Bachelor in Paradise: The Final Straw

Thank God it's all over. I told you I was (and am) going to sit out the Nick season of the Bachelor. I will also never blog another Bachelor in Paradise. (I will be here for Bachelorette Canada, though, for any Canadian who's interested. Hell, even if you're from outside Canada and can't even watch it, why not check back here just to get an idea of how it happens in other countries?)

Bachelor in Paradise is the WORST! Sure, there are fun aspects of it, but at its core, the show is a piece of poo. After all the campiness and hedonism, they try to make it all about engagements? Gimme a break. It doesn't even work as a pseudo contest because late arriving contestants will always be at a disadvantage. We saw contestants want to stick around no matter who gave them the rose, whether they had a connection with the person or not, just so they could advance and not be kicked off. How is that about finding true love? On the other hand, if this were just a crass competition for money, then I'd totally get it. It would make sense then. The show is just all over the map. It wants to be all things to all people.

But I started this season, so I better damn well end it. Here we go...

Tiara is this week's sacrificial lamb. Like she's going to find a true connection in one week. No Tiara is not the one who always wore a tiara; she's the won who's obsessed with chickens – both alive and fried.

So this new person arrives and she's sitting off by herself and her date card. What a bunch of jerks. How welcoming they all are! Finally Nick went over and talked to her. What a fine, upstanding young man this Nick is. Then he returns with Tiara's date card only to take Jen on a date. What a jerk! Thanks for coming out, Tiara!

What drama! Nick and Jen go on a date. I wonder if Nick will get engaged to her? I'm on the edge of my seat!

At a carnival, they see a fortune teller. He's all-in with Jen, he says. He's "absolutely falling in love with her." So much so that he rubs her ass when they kiss.

Meanwhile, Brett is digging Lauren more than Izzy so he needs to tell her. He's going to give his rose to Lauren. Don't quite get why he needs to tell Izzy this, but he does. And Izzy takes it fairly well. I mean, she admitted she felt like an idiot because she got "full-on rejected" but she's got a fall-back plan.

She regrets her decision to leave what she had with Vinny to hook up with Brett, who she found hotter. She's going to beg for Vinny's forgiveness. It could be the most romantic thing she could do for someone. So she gives him a dingle. And that cad had the nerve to say, "Who's this?"

Izzy very clearly explained that she made a "huge, huge mistake." Sure, she only realized it when Brett dumped her, but that was just a coincidence, I'm certain! She told him she felt really bad, and everything. She also told him that she chose to leave Paradise in the hopes they could get back together "and things could be like a fairy tale." Sounds great, right? What man could refuse such an offer?!

Vinny was very, very ungrateful. He told her she "threw it all away for some guy with a lamp." He called her "shallow" of all things! When that happened, all feelings he had went out the window, he told her ever-so-coldly. "I just can't be with somebody like that." I knew Vinny wasn't good enough for her.

After hanging up on him, Izzy cried. She genuinely misses Vinny in a way she didn't, say, ten minutes earlier when she still thought Brett liked her. Then she has an anxiety attack and thinks she's going to throw up. "I feel like the shittiest person in the world," she said. For once her feelings were accurate.

The cocktail party is pretty useless. Since everyone but Wells is already hooked up, it's up to him to choose among three suitresses (is that the female equivalent of a suitor?): Jami, Shushanna, and The Worst Human in the World (I won't mention her name again). I thought Wells and Jami made the cutest couple.

Shushanna says she isn't going to hunt or chase Wells. That's not her style. She's an adult. "I don't fight for guys; I don't fight for love," she says. So she tells Wells she's leaving. He doesn't put up any resistance.

Finally, the rose ceremony – the most undramatic rose ceremony in history!

• Josh picked Amanda
• Nick chose Jen
• Grant nabbed Lace
• Evan drooled over Carly
• Brett opted out
• Wells foolishly went with the WHW

Brett's refusal to give Lauren his rose highlighted another problem with the wonky show. The next episode will include shagging suites. Lauren was a relative newcomer so he thought it was too soon in their relationship to hop in the sack together. I mean, maybe, but no one is forcing them to make sweet, sweet love in the fantasy suite. He could have slept on the couch.

When Wells chose the WHW, unlike the others who kiss, she one-armed hugged Wells. She is totally in this just for more TV exposure. Seriously the Worst Human in the World.

(One comment last week suggested that maybe I'm masking a deep attraction to the WHW. Hey, I've always said she was gorgeous. Just less so no with her Botox and collagen and her character flaws that no amount of plastic surgery can fix.)

Lauren, Tiara and Jami all went home.

Five couples remain and "everything changes," Chris Harrison told them ominously. They need to put their relationships to the test. Man, this show is just awful, have I mentioned that? You can't game love. They need to rework it.

The WHW is giddy (once again) at the prospect of having sex for the first time with a guy she's known for a couple of weeks. She was giddy last year, too. You'd think that in the last 12 months she might have done something about that. You think this virginity claim is all just her way of stealing the spotlight? I do.

Thankfully Wells breaks up with the WHW before he can stick it in her. She takes it well. Just looks sad. Then asks for one more kiss. She's not that upset because Wells isn't Jared. I think she's more upset at having to leave TV. So the WHW leaves the show and it may very well be the greatest day in franchise history.

And then there were four couples.

Grant and Lace get matching tattoos on their inner left wrists because that's never a bad decision. Actually, if you're going to inject permanent ink into your skin professing love, GRACE isn't bad. It's not fully committing to Lace. GRACE is a real word that can signify many things. If (ah, let's not kid ourselves – when) they break up, Grant just has to find someone else named Lace. Or maybe a Candace. Or, I guess a Grace. Or he could add "land" to it and get a big tattoo of Elvis' face below it.

Grant says the fact they got tatts speaks volumes about where they are in their relationship. Spoken like a guy with a sleeve and chest full of tattoos. Oh, and Lace's eyelashes are still ridiculous.

Evan and Carly go with paint you can wash off. Full body paint but they opt for doing it clothed because, ew, gross, it's Evan. It's also Carly's one-year anniversary of being dumped by the Professor (Kirk). She says if it happened again with Evan, it would be even worse. Uh, yeah. Because it would be with a guy she's better than. That always hurts more.

But they seem like the real deal. I mean, she was around all these hot male bodies and she stuck with Evan. That's gotta mean something.

Nick and Jen seem more distant but does anyone care about this storyline since they announced last week that he'd be the new Bachelor?

Amanda says that her family is the most important thing to her. Except, of course, for the six weeks every summer when national TV comes calling. She wants to marry Josh.

The last episode opens with the couples waking up in bed together. Carly's new favourite thing is waking up next to Evan. Lace wakes up with her big, fake eyelashes on. Maybe they're real after all!

Lace says she feels that if they don't get engaged, they're probably not going to make it. I hate to break it to her, but they're probably not going to make it anyway. But at least they'll always have those tattoos.

Nick says he could get used to looking at Jen for the rest of his life, but then he wouldn't get any more turns on the show.

I loved it when Amanda told Josh that her kids sleep with her. It didn't register with Josh at all. This could be the last night they sleep together.

You know how in every season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette, the person with kids always makes sure their date meets their children? Does it mean anything that Amanda got engaged without anyone in her family meeting Josh? Come to think of it, no families were harmed in the making of this season. Everyone was a grown up and could get engaged without meeting every aunt and uncle and sibling.

The ubiquitous jeweler asks Nick how many more times he's going to see him. At least one more time.

Evan asked Carly, "Will you freakin' marry me?" And she embraced his weird. And she hasn't met his kids, either.

Nick sniffles to Jen that he's not going to ask her to marry him. He does a full-on WHW impression, sobbing. He tells her, "Something's telling me to say goodbye." Yeah, it's probably the producers offering him the role of a lifetime next season.

I can't wait for Amanda's book on Josh when this is all over.

On the Dull and Glib after-show, Amanda says Josh doesn't moan like they showed him because she would have told him to stop. It grosses her out.

And that's that, folks. Hope you enjoyed it more than I did. See you for Bachelorette Canada later this week.