Bachelor in Paradise: The worst human

Late again. Whatcha gonna do? Here's my capsule takeaway from two nights of "entertainment" earlier this week: Grant may be the best human on the planet. Ashley may be the worst human on the planet. I've since read where she's said there was stuff not shown but I don't think there could be anything that could excuse her for her words and actions.

Another takeaway: This show is really schizophrenic (in the non-medical, politically incorrect usage of the word). The opening highlights show us a dramatic confrontation between Josh and Nick while Amanda cries, then it cuts immediately to the over-the-top cheesy '70s opening theme. Then we get upcoming highlights of multiple possible engagements. No! Just no! This is Bachelor in Paradise! Don't make it about real connections and life-long romance. If something happens romantically, it happens. But the main thrust of the show should be like spring break for the regular show's losers. It's hedonistic fun. Leave well enough alone.

Okay, on to the details.

We start with Caila and Ashley having a heart to heart and Caila sticking the shiv in Ashley by saying Jared loves her like a sister. And then Ashley meets up with Jared. No idea why he gives her the time of day. He's such a sap. All she has to do is cry and he melts. And lord knows she can cry on a dime. There should be a new word for how she cries. Bawling doesn't do it justice. Snorfl? Something. It's pathetic. And most likely phoney, like everything else about her.

She talks about losing her best friend, Lucy, a dog. She's scared she's going to completely lose her mind. Too late, I'm afraid.

Then Wells the deejay shows up and everyone steers him to Ashley for his date. He heeds their advice and when he asks Ashley, everyone erupts in cheers. With Ash gone, Jared kisses Caila. And kisses her some more. And some more. Not sure she kissed him back even once.

On their date, Wells and Ashley are having a good time. Wells tells Ash his favourite band is the Talking Heads. Cool, right? Alternative. Ashley's favourite band? Hanson. I told you she might very well be the worst person on earth. Thankfully for her, a stray dog approached their table just in time to distract Wells from her embarrassing revelation.

Wells takes a bite from Ashley's luscious lips, getting a mouthful of collagen. They make a fire wish and float it off through the air. It goes down like the Hindenburg.

Then Lace gave Ashley a run for her money in the worst person contest. She tells Grant, who has done nothing but express his love and devotion, "good luck getting a rose tomorrow." She gets snippy for no known reason. Grant understandably walks away. The girl is still certifiable. And from this point on, she's got it in her head that Grant was the villain for walking away.

He goes to see her. "I don't need your little petty talk," she tells him. He's done with her attitude, he says. "Good. If you're done, I'm done." She can't see she's culpable at all. She cries to the camera. I think if you wear gigantic fake eyelashes, it's your lot in life to cry irrationally and often.

Then Grant tells her he loves her again. Does this soften Lace a teensy bit? Nah. She says she's had enough of that word. He says he knows she says the things she says because she's scared and it doesn't come from a bad place. He's a better man than most. He tells her he overreacted to what she said (he didn't at all, but he knows how to defuse a situation). Does this soften Lace a teensy bit? Nah. "Kinda!" she says sarcastically. He apologizes several more times. She finally softens and says she could use a shot. Ah, her old friend, Al K. Hall.

Amanda tells Nick and Jen they could use the upstairs room she had been using with Josh. She's just tired and wants to sleep. So up Nick and Jen start to go when Josh puts the kibosh on it. He says he and Amanda are going to sleep there. Cut to: Amanda sound asleep in another bed by herself.

Josh wakes her up to ask if she's not sleeping with him that night. "I don't think so," she says, half asleep. "I'm so tired." "All right. Good talk," says Josh. Good talk? Jerk.

At the cocktail party, Daniel knows he's on the chopping block so he tries his best to get someone's rose. He brings a plate of onion rings, chicken nuggets, and fries for one of the twins. It has all her food groups, he says. Then he brings a lamp to Izzy – a Canadian-made lamp, bigger, better and more expensive than the one Brett came with, he says. If she gives him the rose, she can keep the lamp otherwise he takes it back.

The twins are concerned about Josh and they solicit Nick's opinion. Good, solid, unbiased opinion.

Rose time.

• Carly gave hers to Evan, the penis man.
• Ashley called on Wells.
• Jen handed a rose to Nick.
• Izzy didn't go for the lamp; she gave her rose to Brett.
• Caila likes Jared enough to give him the rose.
• Lace sobers up to see Grant's good enough to get a rose.
• Amanda surprises no one and picks Josh.
• Haley picks... Emily?

Yes, it seems as if Haley and Emily have decided to leave together just the way they came. So they don't give their roses to anyone. Then Chris Harrison enters to inform the rest that because they didn't hand out their roses, that means three had to go home instead of just one because, you know, rules are rules. Goodbye to Daniel, Ryan and Carl. Don't understand why there are rules all of a sudden. And why didn't any of them play the Ashley card and just ask to stay? In a show with apparently no rules, this seems rather arbitrary.

I don't mind not having rules. And I don't mind having rules. But pick one and be consistent. And if you have the rules, why not lay them out for everyone (viewer included) to see?

The worst is that we didn't get to say goodbye to Daniel. He gave us so much entertainment this season and he's gone just like that. Not even an exit interview. That's a fine how do you do. He gets lumped in with those two nobodies. Talk about disrespect!

Before they go, the twins take their best friend Amanda aside to warn her about Josh. First of all, since when were the twins and Amanda so close? It's a reminder of just how little reality the reality show gives us. They give us what they want us to see. The tearful warnings but the sisters were comical. One of them said, "Those things in that book might actually be true, and if they are true, they're very scary."

Amanda asks what she should do. It tells you a lot that Amanda is asking advice of the Ditz Sisters. They tell her to ask direct questions about the book. And with that, they were off.

Josh senses Amanda's confusion. But she doesn't want to talk about it. She hints at what's troubling her, though, and Josh ramps up the testosterone. He gathers everyone around demanding to know who the twins' source was. Grant would have been calm and cool. But Josh is verging on a full-on Chad. Then he brings up his dog's cancer treatment as a combo excuse and plea for sympathy.

Nick speaks up, calmly, saying he honestly doesn't know if Josh is genuine. Josh yells back and vaguely threatens Nick if things aren't good with Amanda. Then he packs his bags. Of course he's not going anywhere.

But Amanda, as confused as she said she was (which, granted, might be her default status), is sick of people warning her about Josh. She knows the truth based on the couple of weeks she's known him at a Mexican resort. He showed he has a "bit of a temper" tonight but he had good reason to, says Amanda. Gulp.

Jami from Vancouver arrived early one morning. Maybe this is why they had to send Daniel packing. There's a quota on Canadians. Everyone was asleep except for Wells. Smells like a plant to me. I'm sure the producers arranged it just so they could squeeze some more tears from Ashley. Jami and Wells go on a date.

When Ashley eventually rolls out of bed, Nick breaks the news to her. And she's fine with it. She laughs. Yeah, that'll last.

It lasted until she saw Jared and Caila together again. Mind you, the two were kissing. In public! But remember how she's completely over Jared? So when she says she's Jared's "main chick," she just means it metaphorically, I'm sure.

Ashley asks Caila not to flaunt their relationship in front of her. So let me get this straight: Caila doesn't really like Jared, but it's her fault for kissing him in public? Jared has no responsibility in this?

Dear, sweet Caila asks Ashley if she wants her to go home and asks, "Was I wrong to go on a date with him? Honestly." There's a long pause. Ashley says she can't go back and trust the person who hurt her in the first place, i.e. Caila. She tells Caila, "It's hard for you to stay here." Caila doesn't want to hurt anyone. Why is everyone giving Ashley such credence? I'm as confused as Amanda!

Caila says, "I don't need to be here. I don't need the attention. I don't need any of that." Ashley replies with, "I feel bad for you," then laughs maniacally.

Caila tells Jared it's too hard to be here with Ashley so she's leaving. Yet both of them invited Ashley back when she was already sent home, promising she had changed. If the producers were serious about this being a show where people find love, they should have stepped in and told Ashley it's clear she hasn't changed so she must go home.

Ashley, the very definition of an awful person, tells the cameras that Caila is an awful person. I know it's hard to know what's what on a reality show. All we know is what we're shown and then we rely on our hunches. But there's been zero evidence of Caila being awful or anything remotely close to that.

Jared tells Ashley Caila just left and Ashley feigns surprise. Then she says, "She said that she doesn't like you." Again, maybe she did off-camera, but I doubt it. She just moves slower than the others. She liked him enough to give him the rose and to let him kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. Team Caila all the way!

Jared yells at Ashley so she did what Ashley does: she cries. And Jared did what Jared does: he melts. Feels bad and consoles her with a hug. He sure is a sucker for tears. Then he runs off to find Caila.

Meanwhile, Ashley says, "I stand true to Caila being a piece of shit."

While Jared is quickly talking with Ashley, Caila has time to go pack, call a car, and get in the car to leave. How long was he with Ashley?

Ashley bawls (or snorfls) to the others. Please don't make her a good or sympathetic character. She deserves nothing. But even though the love of her life has left, she gets over it quickly because she's still on TV so she wins. She knows Wells will return soon from his date with Jami so she freshens her make-up in order to look "bomb" on his return. And her make-up tray is a thing to behold.

Wells returns holding hands with Jami. He needs to have a sit-down with Ashley. Ashley takes the bad news well but she's totally faking it for effect. And it works! Wells buys it! She's one conniving person.

Then another baby-voiced woman shows up: Lauren H., the kindergarten teacher. I kinda remember her. And right on her heels comes Shoshanna, the Russian. Ashley, with her big fake eyelashes and botox, calls Shoshanna "Euro-trash." I am so done with the virgin. I don't want to see her anymore. Ever.

The double date is Shoshanna and Wells (his third date in a row), and Lauren and Brett. The four of them go to surfing school. Nothing significant happens.

Evan got a public boner lying face up on his bed after kissing Carly. That was something. No erectile dysfunction there. Carly likes that she did that to him. We don't need to see Evan making out at the best of times; this was too much.

Amanda talks about being confused again about Josh, but she gets a date card and takes him. And there's no sign she's wavering. "Josh isn't perfect but neither am I," she says. "I don't think anybody is. But what I can say is Josh is perfect for me." He's everything she ever wanted. She loves him. Barf.

Ashley knows it's between herself, "a random girl from Canada and a Russian hooker." She's just the worst, I tells ya! Maybe all-time worst. She knows she has to make an impression so she kisses Wells.

There's going to be a two-night finale this week complete with engagement rings, because this was such a serious show about love.

For some reason, Brett takes a lamp down to the water and smashes it against a rock. It's played for fun because broken glass and bare feet is such a hoot!

The After Paradise show with Glib and Dull had Caila, Jared and Ashley on it. All together! And Wells was there, too. Everyone pretty much trashed Ashley before she got out there.

Dull had a couple of pretty good points. He said Jared enabled Ashley's obsession. And he said that throughout Ashley's badmouthing of Caila, nothing ever emerged to show that there might have been a hint of truth to what she was saying. We never saw a dark side of Caila. Even here, Caila responded with, "I'm doing wonderfully, thank you." She's just perfection.

Caila said her defense mechanism is to smile, and Ashley's is to cry. I'll take hers any day. She also revealed that she and Jared are not together anymore. They dated for about six weeks but weren't the "right fit." And there were "other forces" that contributed to the break-up. How cryptic! She probably means Ashley.

And then Jared, who has seen the show, said he's still really good friends with Ashley! How is this possible?! He said she was trying to be the best friend she could be. Uh, right. He said he won't judge her by what she said on camera. Say what? Jealousy brings about ugliness in all of us. Yeah, but not that kind of ugliness. He doesn't deserve Caila!

Ashley accepted no responsibility for what happened between Jared and Caila. She was looking out for him and has gotten over him romantically. Uh-huh.

Oh, and they revealed the new Bachelor! Would it be Luke or Chase? I was going for Chase. Turns out it's neither. It's going to be Nick. You know, I liked Nick. I liked his calm, thoughtful manner. But now I think he's just a fame whore. How many of these shows has he been on? Two Bachelorettes and two Bachelor in Paradises, by my count. And presumably has a life off television. But he can't find anyone. So it must be him. Don't waste a season on the guy.

The show just keeps getting worse and worse. I keep threatening to not write a blog on the next one just like people keep threatening to leave the show when things don't go their way. Maybe I'll do a Caila and really go. She's my inspiration.

But first we Canadians have the Canadian version starting next week. That one I'll do. Nick can go to hell, though.