Week 9: Frank incenses Ali

Are we almost finished this thing yet? I don’t know why I want it to end because I’m enjoying the season. I just don’t think The Bachelor/ette is summer fare. It’s still light out when it comes on and almost as gorgeous as Tahiti, so who needs reality TV?

Ooh, this is the big reveal when we find out Crazy Eyes Frank has a big dark secret. Or not. Whatever. It’s summer. As Annie says, the sun’ll come out tomorrow.

They got into the show tonight with minimal upcoming highlights and no backstory highlights. Gotta like it. I like to think the producers are big fans of this blog.

Three dudes are left. Cape Cod Chris feels like Ali is her girlfriend. Ah, poor sap. He’s probably the best suited for her but he’s running third here by a country mile, I bet. He really needs Crazy Eyes to have a girlfriend and Roberto to have several. Roberto says he would be so lucky to have Ali as his wife. Oh no, Roberto. She’s the one who’d be lucky. Well, until he cheats on her. He’s an athlete, remember. It’s in his DNA.

Here we go. We learn what’s in store right off the bat. Crazy Eyes Frank still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. And they might be growing. Oh, what a hopeless nerd. He says he needs to go to Chicago to see Nicole before he goes off to Tahiti. He needs to find out if he’s still in love with her. You heard me. That either means he has to sleep with her again or find out if she’s still in love with him. Either way, that’s a dick move. Three of you voted Frank as your favourite in the poll last week. Who were you? 'Fess up. What do you think of him now?

***

Now here’s Frank in Chicago. Is he there on the producer’s dime? Did they encourage him to go because it makes for better TV? Oh, most likely. Frank is spinning like crazy. He needs to do this to make the right decision. No, Frank. It’s the wrong decision from the get-go.

Obviously Nicole knows this is happening, or she’s used to a camera crew following her ex-boyfriend around. Why would she open herself up to this? Frank’s blathering on to her and Nicole is just sitting there looking disgusted. He’s telling her about the great relationship he’s had with Ali. She says he’s consumed her mind ever since he left her and it’s sickening to think he’d be off getting close in another relationship. He tells her when he goes to bed at night after a great date with Ali, he lays in bed thinking about Nicole. Well, that about answers Frank’s question, doesn’t it?

Let’s analyze this. If he’s lying in bed after a great date with Ali, and all he can do is think about his ex-girlfriend, then he knows the answer to his question. He knows he’s still in love with Nicole. It’s irrelevant whether Nicole feels the same way or not. Basically what Frank is saying is he’s still in love with Nicole, but if Nicole doesn’t feel the same way, he’ll settle for second best with Ali.

But it looks like Nicole still has room in her heart for the guy. She says without him, her life isn’t complete. She tells him he needs to come home. He smiles and nods.

So Crazy Eyes Frank says today’s what he needed to realize he’s in love with Nicole and she’s the one he wants to be with the rest of his life. Finally, someone finds love on The Bachelorette! I can’t wait until Nicole sits down with Frank and watches the season play out.

But really, this is beyond despicable. He didn’t realize he’s in love with Nicole; he just realized she’s also in love with him. His feelings didn’t change. If he went back to visit Nicole and she said she had moved on, he still should have broken up with Ali because she was second best in his heart all along.

***

I like how they got to this right off the top of this two-hour episode. There must be lots of drama ahead if they didn’t string this mystery out over the whole show.

Poor, unsuspecting Ali is in Tahiti happy as all get out. She’s confident one of these three guys is going to be her husband.

Her first date is with Roberto. I gotta say, Tahiti looks awesome. And I’m almost positive it looks even awesomer from a ... (wait for it)... helicopter! There should be a helicopter drinking game on this show. Everyone would be passed out before the end of each episode.

Roberto is looking totally smitten, like he’s in deeper than even Ali. If that’s the case, and this isn’t just Stockholm Syndrome run amok, then he’s got to be the frontrunner. Because the guy is a stud. And he’s strong enough to carry her over the threshold. But I still maintain he’s too good for her. With Frank out of the picture, though, Roberto’s got to be the one, even if Chris is better suited for her. I think Ali probably has Frank ranked number one, but we can throw that all away... Or can we?

***

Ali and Roberto sit down to dinner. Ali doesn’t seem to be totally into him the way she is into Frank, as crazy as that seems, even before we knew what we know.

Roberto says he thinks he’s been closed off and it’s not easy for him to open up. But he manages to say he’s falling in love with her, which elicits a long kiss from Ali. And it gives Ali the nerve to whip out the note from Chris Harrison. Guess what? No, it’s not a free helicopter ride... Well, it might be, but a different kind. It’s an invitation for them to make sweet love all night long in the fantasy suite. Ali bites her lip as Roberto reads it. She can’t wait to take his wet clothes off him. And she does. Fade to black.

***

Next date is with Cape Cod Chris. They meet on a deck and walk towards each other. Ali is walking funny.

Their date is out on the open water. Ali says things have gone slower with Chris but things started to move when she met his family. So they sit on the boat and talk about his family. Conversation a little stilted but she’s probably still thinking about the Latin lover she had last night.

Chris says he feels like he’s twelve whenever he’s around her. She says they’re “buddies”. Not a good sign. But an easy out for her when it’s time to dump him.

Walking on the beach, they pick up shells and find the pearls the producers have planted in them. Ali buys it hook, line and sinker, and actually comes up with a good metaphor. She says the pearls remind her of her relationship with Chris. It takes a long time but eventually you could come up with something beautiful.

***

Will they use the fantasy suite? If so, I can’t imagine any hanky-panky going on. But let’s find out.

Do you have to walk through water to get to anything in Tahiti? Apparently so. They sit on a secluded tiny island and eat dinner on the ground. As they smooch, Chris tells her he sees himself with her forever. And then she gets turned on enough to whip out the fantasy suite card. We get to hear it again just in case we missed it when Roberto read it, or any one of the hundred or so others in the history of this series (couldn’t they vary it up a little bit?). Chris has never seen the show before: “There’s a fantasy suite?!” He tells us he loves this girl 100 percent. He’s found his soul mate, his perfect girl. This is precisely why the notion of a soul mate is unhealthy. Because if you find your soul mate, presumably there’s just the one. Then what happens if that soul mate rejects you? You have to settle for someone who’s less than that.

After Chris tells her he doesn’t care where they spend the rest of their lives together, whether it’s Cape Cod or San Francisco, Ali says, in the most blatant hint of the season, “I never, ever, ever, ever thought I’d want to go back to Massachussetts...” and doesn’t fully commit to saying she’s completely changed. Chris pretends not to care, saying they’d just have to go back to Cape Cod four times a year. But you can totally see that becoming an issue down the road. As in week four of their real-life relationship.

Anyway, they do appear to go inside the suite and get it on. I guess she needed to kick the tires and take him for a test drive just in case.

***

And here’s Crazy Eyes Frank. He’s dreamed about coming to Tahiti for years. He should be happy, but he’s not. He’s here to tell Ali he’s going home. Of course, we know how she’s going to take it thanks to the evil previews before each set of commercials. There will be tears. And lots of them.

Frank needs to talk to the empty vessel front man Chris Harrison to get advice. Don’t these people know Harrison is just a glorified announcer? He’s got no say, judging from the credits, in anything beyond hosting. But here’s the funny part. Frank tells Chris he’s got bad news. Chris says, “What’s up?” Just proving how far out of the loop he is. How could he not know, since a camera crew followed Frank to Chicago to meet Nicole?

Chris is asking Frank about what happened. Just watch the footage, Chris! Try to follow along, buddy! We already know all this.

Frank says he has no idea how Ali is going to take this. Really, Frank? No idea? Like there’s a small chance she might be okay with it? He really is clueless. Chris asks what he’s going to do. He has a date coming up in an hour. I say Frank should go on the date, stay in the fantasy suite overnight (if you’re picking up what I’m laying down) and then break it to her first thing in the morning. Or better yet, just grab your stuff and get out before she wakes up. Leaving a note, of course. That’s the manly way out, Frank.

But Chris, the old stick in the mud, thinks he should tell her straight up as soon as she gets here. Boo!

***

Here’s Ali telling us she and Frank have an amazing connection. She’s going to take Frank sailing. She really misses him. She’s head over heels for the guy.

They hug and here’s the “we need to talk” line. And he tags it with “can we sit down?”. Ali is already looking a bit haggard from her two previous nights in the fantasy suite. Frank’s eyes have lost their crazy. Now they’re empty. He tells her about the awesome connection they had right from the beginning. Get on with it, man. She’s crying already. He tells her that unresolved feelings for an ex were holding him back.

What we don’t know is just how recent an ex she was. Did he dump her just to go on the show? How long has it been? (Maybe that info is out there in cyberspace but you know now I don’t follow these things. But if you know, please, by all means, leave it in the comments section.)

Ali is silent throughout. He can’t stand the silence: “You’re perfect in every way, blah blah blah.” But he has no answer for Ali’s question about why he never said anything to her before now. She says she was so excited to see him. Now, not so much. Next I think she tells him that all along she was trying to tell him that he was the one. Am I wrong in that interpretation? She said, “Frank, I want to be with you,” and he kept pulling back. Does that mean she had decided it was him but just couldn’t tell him outright? Or am I reading things into it I shouldn’t be?

Ali says it was so selfish of him to have done this. Bingo! Totally and unequivocally. But, really, what’s she yammering on about? She’s got two others. Surely she wasn’t keeping them around the same way Frank was keeping her around, was she? Maybe she’s getting her just deserts. (Sidenote: I just found out two days ago that the spelling for “just deserts” is precisely that, not “just desserts”, which is what I, and many others, always thought. Apparently the root word is “deserve” so it’s kind of an archaic way of say she got just what she deserved --> deserts. Get it?)

She says she needs to deal with this somehow so asks him to go. He gets in one last close hug. I’m not a spiteful guy. I’m really not. But whenever someone gets dumped on this show, they always get a nice hug. I’d love for Ali to have turned on her heel and walked away. But no, she gives him the tender embrace that’ll keep him up at nights after a great date with Nicole. Then she walks away in tears and plops down on the sand.

***

Still half an hour to go and I’m guessing there won’t be a rose ceremony. It’s just an educated guess. I’ve been at this a long time. I’m good. So we’ve got thirty more minutes of tears.

Frank could never have imagined it would be that hard to say goodbye to her, he says. The guy just has absolutely no clue. He says he imagined the worst case scenario, and it was still way worse than that. Remember: this guy writes screenplays (or so he says). He probably should try to develop that imagination a bit more if he wants to be a successful screenwriter.

Chris Harrison strolls onto the beach like Ricardo Montalban to comfort Ali. She says she’s given up her job and her “whole freakin’ life” to be there. We’ve already disproved that notion lots before now, but I won’t harp on it given her state, but suffice it to say she’s given up nothing and got way more than she ever had before. Still, I feel for her a little bit. And vindicated for going hard on Crazy Eyes all season long.

Oh great. The power just went out here. It’s pitch black outside for blocks. Who knows how long it’ll be out for. I’ll hang around a bit longer but I might have to finish this in the morning. But no! It’s back! I was in the dark (literally) for 45 minutes. Let’s get back to the heartbreak.

Ali sobs, “This always happens to me!” and heaves a heavy sigh. But hang on there one second, young lady. You were the one leaving Jake (good move in hindsight, I must admit) because you found yourself having feelings for your old job.

And then this classic line that exemplifies her naivety not only about Frank, not only about men in general, but about the human condition: “I just don’t understand. Like, if there was another girl, why didn’t he just tell me?” Um, because she was another girl! Great literature has been written, timeless movies have been made about just this very scenario. They’re called “the other woman” for a reason. And if it were so simple as just telling one girl about the other, the novels and films would take about five minutes to read and watch.

Now she feels like Frank’s the biggest jerk she’s ever known. And she can’t help but think there’s something wrong with her. No comment.

She sits sobbing in front of the interview camera. Why doesn’t she just get up and walk away? Everyone would understand.

We watch Frank on the little boat taking him back to America.

***

But the show must go on. Ali is all dolled up as she looks at the three photos. She picks up Dorky Frank’s picture, gives it a good long look, then places it face down. Turns out there will be a rose ceremony after all. But it’ll be by acclamation because there are two roses to be given out and two guys left.

Even though we all feel for Ali, aren’t you secretly hoping, just a teensy bit, that one or both of the remaining two doesn’t accept the rose? C’mon, it’d be great television.

Ali tells Chris Harrison it’s scary for her to think she could be this far along in the process she thought that Frank could be right for her, and yet he’s so wrong. It’s so true and a lesson for each of us. You can’t just think with your heart. Your head is there for a reason. If things aren’t adding up, use both your vital organs.

Chris Harrison thinks there should be a rose ceremony. Or at least, that’s what his bosses told him to say. And he thinks Ali should be the one to tell the other two about Frank. Can’t wait to see their reaction.

Ali says, “I really want both guys to accept the rose today.” Apparently, she’s never seen any other season than the two she’s been a part of, either, because I don’t recall there ever being a rose offered and rejected. Correct me if I’m wrong. (But there’s a first time for everything. Fingers crossed!)

***

This is the first time in a long, long time (maybe ever) where the final two have both been good. Or at least both to my liking. Both these guys seem like decent, honourable guys. I think, as I’ve said, she’d have a longer relationship with Cape Cod Chris (if they can work out their geographical differences), but I’d be happy with either choice. I mean as a viewer.

Here comes Cape Cod Chris on his boat ride to the ceremony. Ali says she’s a little nervous because she has to tell Chris and Roberto that Frank left. Why would that give her nerves? Does she get stressed watching white guys high-five each other? I don’t get it.

Ali just said impor’ant for the fourth time this episode. If I had a speech impediment that made it difficult for me to pronounce a word, I’d look for another. Ali, if you’re reading this, try these on for size: paramount, crucial, vital, critical, essential, fundamental.

Roberto arrives and we’re all set. Ali just hopes that this goes well.

She cops out! She makes it sound like Frank’s boss was telling him to get his ass back to work. No mention of Frank being a two-timing jerk or confused. Just that he had matters he had to deal with back home. But Roberto and Cape Cod Chris are grinning ear to ear looking extremely happy and in love. And a bit sheepish at having banged each other’s girlfriend.

And in the least dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor/ette history, Chris accepts his rose. And without Chris Harrison coming back out to say only one rose remains, she offers Roberto the second rose. And he honours her offer. (And all night long he was on ‘er and off ‘er.)

They toast each other with champagne and Ali tells the guys they’re off to Bora Bora, where they’ll meet her family. But we won’t get to see it next week because it’ll be the reunion show we won’t want to miss. Oh yeah, it’ll be a good one. We’ve got the Wrassler, the Sarnia Sleaze, the Midget Weather Man, Ugly Craig, Big Ears Ty and Batty Kasey and his tattoo. Will Crazy Eyes be there? I would hope so, but we’ll see. (Interesting to see in the clip Crazy Eyes saying the Wrassler was the biggest liar.) And in two weeks, Chris Harrison assures us it’ll be “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history.” I’m positive it will be because he’s never said that before.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can commit to two more weeks. Can you?

Week 8: Dangling legs

Welcome back to this little corner of the blogosphere. Great comments last week, people. I’d totally read your blogs on this show if you had them. So keep up with your takes on what we’re watching.

Faith mentioned Tenley, whose name, of course, I remember but my memory being what it is, I couldn’t place her. So I Googled Tenley and found her website. I totally remember her and how sweet she was, but get a load of her new look. After seeing the photos on there, I still didn’t recognize her (that's her on the right). It took me a while. And if you click on the contact tab, you’ll see she’s got a person to write to if you want Tenley for appearances, someone for media and publicity requests, and some for “other business or professional matters”. Who needs Tenley, the dancing queen, for an appearance, you ask? Well, it turns out that “Tenley has had a heartbreaking personal journey and now shares a message of hope and inspiration.” She seemed like she was on the show for the requisite “right reasons” but seeing all this gives me pause. Is she just seizing an opportunity that came out of her appearance on The Bachelor, or was this her plan all along?

What a week. First off, Jake and Vienna absolutely stun, well, nobody, actually, with their on-camera argument post-break-up, then news comes out (thanks Karen for the scoop!) that my wonderful Jillian finally saw the light and ditched dull Ed. Funny, last week I even mentioned them, saying, and I quote (thus the quotation marks), “Jillian has way too much class and humour to ever let her relationship with the half-wit end in such public humiliation.” And sure enough I was right. But do you think they had been trying to figure out a way to break the inevitable break-up to the world and when the Jake and Vienna meltdown was shown, they figured, “Now’s our chance. Nobody will even notice”? Me, too.

What was the name of the Chandler/Michael Keaton look-alike I liked so much in Jillian’s season? The funny realtor from Philly. I think they should totally rekindle their relationship. On national TV, of course.

Okay, but enough about those past failures. Let’s concentrate on this future failure. Ali’s got four fellas left at her disposal. And tonight she meets the parents.

They’re home from Europe (and Asia, if they happened to stroll into that section of Istanbul). Ali jets off from Los Angeles to Tampa, Florida, to meet Roberto and his folks. Her ride pulls up and Ali dashes out as she and Roberto run to each other. But this is telling. He embraces her and lifts her in the air but her legs are lifeless, just hanging from her hips instead of wrapping themselves around Roberto’s midsection. That’s not a good sign.

Roberto takes Ali to the baseball diamond at his old university and gives her a jersey. Then he disappears and runs back out in his Tampa uniform. Good move, because Ali thinks a baseball uniform is just about the sexiest thing a guy can wear. Sorry sumo wrestlers.

After horsing around on the field and taking batting practice, Roberto, recognizing he didn’t get the leg wrap earlier, lifts her up at second base and practically moves her legs so they’ll wrap around his waist. But she doesn’t keep them up for more than a second or two. Then, after they round third and stomp on home plate, he lifts her up a third time and her legs remain limp. I think she likes Roberto but will ultimately give him the “just good friends” line.

Sitting on the field, Roberto whips out his own baseball card from when he played on a team in Ali’s hometown. What are the odds? I think he probably has a baseball card of himself Photoshopped onto whatever team he needs to win over whoever he’s dating.

He tells her his dad is tough and his mom is passive and doesn’t like to argue. It’ll take a few days for that to sink in, but she’ll conclude eventually that if the old chestnut doesn’t fall far from the tree, she might not want to be in that type of scenario down the road. I mean, Roberto doesn’t seem that way at all, but he’s on TV. Granted, that hasn’t stopped so many others from revealing their ugly sides.

***

Roberto says “bringing Ali home today is a sign to them that I’m very serious about this.” Really, Roberto? It’s not a sign that you’re contractually obligated or pressured by the cameras a little bit?

Ali is going to meet Roberto’s dad, Roberto, his mother Olga, and his sister, Olga. Nice egos on the parents. Whenever I see the old Jr./Sr. thing, I always think, what if the kid turned out to be rotten? Or notorious? Like a mass murderer or something. Look what happened to Dick Smothers, of Smothers Brothers fame. His first son was named Dick Smothers, Jr. and what did he do? He became a porn star. I mean, he was given the perfect name for such a thing, but still. According to a CNN story, the senior Smothers said, "My first reaction was, 'What name are you going to use?' ... He says he's going to use his name, and I said, 'Wait a minute. That's my name. I had it first.'" Let that be a lesson to future parents out there.

I can’t figure out who the mom is and who the daughter is. And I can’t figure out whether that’s a compliment to the mom or an insult to the daughter. Probably the former.

The dad is tough but not too tough. In a room filled with athletic trophies his son won, he gets down to business, wanting to know if Ali and her big dreams will accommodate Roberto’s big dreams (code for stay at home and look after her man). He’s looking out for the best interest of his son.

Both mom and pop give Roberto, Jr. their blessings for a future union. No mention if they would also bless a future on-screen break-up like we saw last week or if they’d just prefer a quiet press release.

After all the talk, mom and dad get up and shake their booty, Latin-style. They’re good. Then Ali gets up and shows that she’s the whitest woman on Earth, but gives it the old college try.

***

Next up is Cape Cod Chris, so guess where they are? Chris is excited to match the two things he loves (Cape Cod and his family) to Ali (something he likes?).

They trot to each other on the beach and hug. Ali gets no air. If you’re going to rate greetings, here’s what the order would be, from worst to first, in a handy-dandy reference guide you can print off and consult when the need arises. Ali and Chris's greeting is in bold:

• Handshake
• No touching whatsoever
• Lean-in hug
• Close hug with a tap on the back
• Close long hug
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air
• Run to each other and close hug, no air
• Close long hug followed by kiss on the cheek
• Close long hug followed by a perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air, kiss on the cheek
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Run to each other and close hug, no air, kiss on the cheek
• Run to each other and close hug, no air, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, kiss on the cheek
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, kiss on the cheek
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, kiss on the cheek
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Close long hug followed by a deep kiss
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air, deep kiss
• Run to each other and close hug, no air, deep kiss
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, deep kiss
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, deep kiss
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, deep kiss
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, deep kiss

As you can see, they’ve got a long way to go. She says she hasn’t seen all sides of Chris and she’s hoping he opens up more. I still don’t get what she wants. I don’t see anyone else opening up any more than he has.

Meanwhile, Chris calls her the “perfect girlfriend”. He’d never leave her, I bet. And that means she’ll never pick him. Nice guys finish last. Or, in this case, no worse than 4th, but probably not first.

They enter the house and Ali makes a beeline for the photos of his late mother, which, she says, are all over the house. And she feels closer to Chris than she ever has to this point. They sit on the porch and pretend to be an old couple. Chris tells her she makes him smile and happy. Ali tells us she’s really feeling him today.

***

Chris’s dad walks in. He seems like the perfect patriarch. Then the brothers and their wives arrive, one of whom (Sara) looks like Maria Shriver (left) at a normal weight and without a facelift and normal-sized teeth. They have the same low hairline. Or maybe all Massachussettsians look pretty much the same.

(Aside time: I’ve never met anyone who can’t pronounce the first ‘t’ in important, like Ali, but I’ve seen it on TV. Is it a regionalism? Anyone got any info on that?)

Chris’s dad always told his mom, “Love is the only reality. And if you have love, nothing else matters.” Not sure a homeless person would agree, but it’s a nice sentiment.

***

Chris’s dad kinda reminds me of The Friendly Giant (maybe my American friends won’t get that reference, but that’s him in the photo. He was a hero to Canadian kids of my vintage). The dad says to Ali that he knows she left her job to be with her grandmother... I know she left her job to do The Bachelorette; I didn’t know about the grandmother. Hmm, is this a pattern? Is Ali all talk when it comes to jobs? She comes off all career-oriented, but she’ll quit at the first chance she gets?

The dad thinks Ali’s a keeper. I think Chris is in way too deep. They climb a mini tower somewhere out back of their home and Chris goes in for a kiss. She turns her head so he goes for the neck. Ali says, “I like it when you kiss my neck” but her internal editor doesn’t let slip the rest: “because it grosses me out when you kiss my lips.” Finally, he grabs her by the back of the neck and forces himself on her. She kisses back but it looks to me like she’s not really into it and backs off at the first chance. Oh, poor, poor Chris. Ali’s got a very good thing there and she doesn’t know it.

***

Next up is Mouldy Kirk’s family in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Ali does the slow trot, and Kirk gets her airborn but her legs dangle. There are no kisses until Kirk grabs her by the jawline, saying, “Come here” and plants a wet one on her. She complies but not wholeheartedly.

Kirk comes from a split home, he says, and Ali needs to see both sides. Apparently, his parents don’t even speak to each other. Ali, too, comes from a broken home but her parents speak, as did mine. How bad is it when two middle-aged or old people who have grown kids can’t even sit in the same room together for TV’s sake?

His dad sure looks young. Maybe that’s why. Or maybe he just looks young because my reference points are so old. He and his new wife have an adopted pre-teen daughter, so he can’t be that old. And this is TV, so he can’t be as creepy as the edit they’re giving him, either. He says, “So Ali, would you like to go see my basement?”, with a lecherous grin. We’ve all known for weeks what’s down there, though, so there’s no surprise. All the walls are covered with stuffed animal heads. “This is what I do,” he says. “This is my taxidermy work. I bring animals back to life.” That’s a pleasant spin, isn’t it? He brings them to life and keeps them locked up in his basement. What a humanitarian!

Then he opens up a freezer. Because that’s what you do when you’re showing your son’s girlfriend around, right? She asks what the bags are. He says, “You don’t really want to know what that is, do you?” But it’s not what you think. They’re just frozen dead animals.

Kirk’s dad is great, says Ali, once she got past the initial shock of the animals. The dad says he’d love to have Ali around all the time. I bet he would.

After a successful date at dad’s place, Kirk gets to take her to his mom’s place. Extra TV time. Coming from a broken home finally pays off.

***

Kirk now shows off the women in his life: his mom, grandmother and sister. Seeing Ali with them makes Kirk all warm inside. Now he’s finally ready to give in a relationship. This is what he wants.

I won’t say his mom looks all that young, but she’s wearing braces. The ladies seem great. Nice family. It makes me wonder, though, just how bitter the breakup was between the mom and dad that they couldn’t even sit there all together and meet their son’s potential future ex-fiancée.

***

Crazy Eyes Frank is back in Chicago. I don’t know why but I always thought of him as a Seattle guy. I don’t know what that tells me about him or Seattle.

Ali is really, really into this guy for reasons only the editors know. Just the sight of him walking towards her makes her run straight to him. Frank barely broke into a trot. She gets some air on the embrace but the cameras don’t show us from the waist down. Still, the fact she ran to him tells me she’s into him the most. She can’t contain herself. She keeps going on how funny he is. Still haven’t seen it. I mean, not an ounce of it.

Sitting on a boat, Frank tells Ali he has concerns about the date. The process just sucks, he says because he’s obviously never seen a single episode of this show from all the seasons past. He has these awesome feelings, but then has to be away from her. It’s a very stressful ordeal. He’s just never entirely confident. Wah-wah, what a whiner.

I love the t-shirt he’s wearing. He looks like a French mime. Could that neckline be any lower?

***

Ali is getting to the point where she really needs the stay-at-home retail manager to step up. They arrive home to meet Frank’s mom and dad. I know I’m getting old because they look young, too. They’re really funny, unlike their pedestrian son. Okay, maybe it is all in the editing. He must be somewhat funny with parents like that.

Frank’s pregnant sister had a big butt... No, wait. She had a big ‘but’. She started to say they look so happy together, “but--” and was interrupted by Frank. I wonder what she was going to say. She tells Ali Frank’s an emotional guy who’s guided by his emotions. No kidding. It's all right there in his crazy eyes.

We didn’t get to see Frank’s room. I would have thought Ali would want to see where she’d be sleeping should she choose him. And I wanted to see if he had Spider-Man sheets on his bed.

***

Well, that’s it for the hometown dates. Ali says she’s crazy about all four of these guys and it breaks her heart to let one of them go after meeting their families. She sits down with Chris to rehash the four dates. She was enthusiastic about all of them. The only one she didn’t have a cautious word about was Roberto, which tells me he’s the one to go. Chris asks if her husband is among those guys. She sighs, mentions she’s scared, but says yes. She’s already crying about the prospect of sending one of them home. Can’t wait until the rose ceremony.

***

Roberto is looking a little ragged, with his tie all askew. Ali enters and starts to blubber during her pre-rose speech but pulls herself together in time. We know Frank is in since we know all too well his “we need to talk” line is in a future episode.

• First rose goes to Roberto. Oh good! Glad I was wrong about that.
• Second rose goes to Chris. So we know, thanks to the brutal editors of this stupid show, that Kirk is a goner since we’ve seen Frank in upcoming highlights.
• The last rose goes to... Frank. Chris Harrison should have announced that this would be “the least dramatic last rose in Bachelorette history!”

She mouths “sorry” to Mouldy Kirk. They sit down together and he tells her not to be sorry. She’s bawling. But he tells her it’s okay; it just sucks. As he turns to get in the limo, she whines, “I need a hug.” He complies but should have just slammed the door.

Kirk didn’t see this coming. He’s never had his heart broken before because he’s usually the one to leave in a relationship. Karma’s a bitch, dude.

Back inside, Ali is all smiles, glad she shedded that dead weight. She tells the guys they’re going to Tahiti next. But of course we’ve known for weeks. But at least we'll finally be able to see what, exactly, is up with Crazy Eyes Frank.

Week 7: Lisbon in fast forward

Hey folks. How’s everyone feeling? Enjoying the season? I don’t follow the show anywhere else, but I’m curious what the buzz was with Jason, the Wrassler, after last week’s show. Has he been vilified? Is the blogosphere believing what went down? Feel free to let me know in the comments section. Since he’s off the show now, it won’t be a spoiler.

I was heartened to see that 100 percent of readers here (all twelve of you) thought the upcoming highlights give away way too stinking much. These producers don’t understand what “tease” means. They don’t get that we’re already hooked. And on a bit of a tangent, it doesn’t matter to us if all the fellas are nice guys without an ounce of drama. Human relationships are drama in and of themselves. They don’t need to artificially increase it by putting schmucks in the fold and by showing us ahead of time what’s going to happen. Just let it play out. Put the reality back in reality TV. Have confidence in your product.

Okay, enough of that. It’s show time!

Where are we this week? Ah yes, Lisbon. That’d be Portugal. Gotta like the locations this season. They’re not the obvious places they've visited in years past. They're going in style this time.

Five guys are left, four get roses. But there will be four dates with zero roses. What’s up with that? What's the point?

Roberto gets the first date: “Come be the king of my castle.” Crazy Eyes Frank is already flashing his deranged peepers.

Roberto and Ali take to the streets of Lisbon acting like fools. They stand out like sore thumbs. First they’re taking pictures with unimpressed cops, then they’re slow dancing and smooching in the street. Can you say Ugly American?

They hop on a trolley car and kiss some more. Alright, we get it already.

Back at the hotel, Crazy Eyes Frank is telling the others what they should do this week. It’s not a joke; it’s cards on the table time. I wonder what he’ll lay down. As he’s laying down the law, there’s a knock at the door. Cape Cod Chris picks up the piece of paper, reads it, and says, “Date card, gentlemen.” Are they just not showing us all the other knocks on the door they get throughout a given day? How would he not know it’s a date card before even getting up off the couch?

This date card is for a two-on-one. Who are the unlucky sods? Crazy Eyes Frank and Big Ears Ty: “Let’s find our future in the past.” Frank considers Ty to be his biggest competition. As you might imagine, Crazy Eyes isn’t too thrilled about having to walk around on a date with Ty. He wants her all to himself.

Ali and Roberto share some wine and tapas (I’m guessing) outside at a castle. Ali admits she can’t cook. Points for honesty, I guess. She calls Roberto a mystery and says she needs to figure him out. He seems too good to be true. But is she out of his league? Quite possibly. Although their date was perhaps the kissiest one of the season.

More upcoming highlights that give away almost everything. Brutal.

***

It’s the two-on-one. Oh, thank God! They’re travelling by helicopter! I thought the producers had forgotten about that majestic bird. I never get sick of watching them watching the view. It never ever gets old.

The three sit down to dinner so we’ve obviously missed the whole day’s events. Clearly either it was boring as hell or there’s too much drama at dinner. Ali says she’s in a weird place and gives them the “it’s not you, it’s me” line.

Ali takes Big Ears Ty away for some one-on-one time. There are no kisses to be seen. Nothing much is said. Family, blah, blah, blah.

Back at the hotel, the date card is for Mouldy Kirk: “Once upon a time...” (There are only so many castle references so they had to get oblique on this one.)

Crazy Eyes Frank now takes Ali aside. Here we go! But no, just more family talk. She immediately kisses him. Maybe Big Ears is the odd man out, if kisses are any indication.

Here it comes: Crazy Eyes reveals all to Ali. He quit his job, moved to Europe, moved back home... and that’s where he is. He’s living with his folks. Does this phase Ali? Not in the least. She moves in for an even bigger kiss. But he should have been pushed out of the tree they’re in just because of the way he told it. If he had just mentioned it in passing early on and sloughed it off like it was a temporary thing, no big deal. But he made it seem like a big, dark secret. She should have laughed in his face whether she felt that way or not. Thankfully for Crazy Eyes, Ali is pissed out of her tree and is just horny as all get out. So he's safe.

Hey, look, there’s Jake and Vienna. What a happy couple. I wonder whatever became of them?

***

Mouldy Kirk and Ali are going to a beautiful place today, but Ali admits her mind is a little preoccupied. And Kirk tells her he’s a little nervous. I see no connection between these two. I don’t even think the ridiculously tall glasses of beer will help.

A chariot pulls up and they switch to white wine for the ride through the countryside. They arrive at another castle with an incredible panoramic view. Ali isn’t doing a very good job of hiding her emotions. Mouldy Kirk can sense her unease. But I think Ali told someone a few episodes ago that she wears her emotions on her sleeve so you always know how she's feeling.

***

Ali says she “had” a romantic dinner planned for her and Kirk on the roof of the castle. She’s wearing a white business suit, if that means anything. Kirk is asking her to be honest with him, good or bad, because that’ll make things easier. He’s a wise man. She lies that she might not be good enough one day for him. Really? With Kirk? That guy’d be lucky to have someone like Ali. She should worry about that with Roberto, because she won’t be, guaranteed. But with Kirk? Nah. But whatever he told her worked magic. They kiss. And it looks legit.

Date card time. It's for Chris: “Love gets better with age.” The guys rib him about being the oldest one there.

That was a nothing date with Kirk, wasn’t it?

***

Cape Cod Chris is given a mo-ped to drive Ali around on. He has no idea what he’s doing. She’s slagging him at every mention. He’s going slow on the scooter, just like their relationship, she says. Finally she takes over and guns it. They seem to laugh a lot together. Sure, they're laughing at him, but at least he can laugh at himself. That’s something, isn’t it?

They unfurl a red blanket and have a picnic. Ali immediately gets Chris to start talking about his mom again. No wonder the relationship is going slow. She says she can feel his walls coming down but isn’t sure it isn’t too late. But whose fault is that? Let the guy talk about something else for a second. It’s hard to get hot and steamy right after talk of a deceased parent.

***

They go to a winery. Ah, "love gets better with age". Wine. I get it. Ali wants to “let loose”. But they sit down and start talking about family again. He’s anything but smooth, this guy, but that might be part of his charm. He pulls out a home-made bracelet for her and that’s enough to warrant a big old smooch. Just shower her with gifts and she’s putty in your hands.

Are these short segments or is there just nothing to say? They're zipping through all the dates.

***

It’s a rainy rose ceremony. Who will be sent home this week? There were no kisses for Big Ears Ty. Could it be him? I think she has the least chemistry with Mouldy Kirk. That’s my call.

Hey, we’re only one hour into the show! What’s up? Usually this comes at the end of the show. So will there be an hour of extra drama or is it just the Jake & Vienna dog & pony show?

Here are your rose winners:

• Cape Cod Chris
• Crazy Eyes Frank
• Roberto

Look, Ty and Kirk are left. The final rose goes to:

• Kirk

So Big Ears Ty is a goner. Too bad. He was a solid, upstanding guy, I thought.

Ty smothers Ali with a big ole bear hug. She walks him into the downpour. Ty says he’s okay but he’s just disappointed. He had some unbelievable feelings, he said. He thanked her for everything then got in the limo, sopping wet. Cue SFX: thunder claps. You can’t tell me those are real. It's just so much more dramatic to have rain and thunder instead of just rain.

Ty feels lost, doesn’t know what to think. Everything seemed right but obviously it was wrong. What does he do from here, he wonders? But the fellas inside are excited that Ali is coming back in wearing a wet skirt.

So one hour and 14 minutes into this two-hour show and we’re done. This answers why each segment seemed to cut to the chase pretty quickly. Should I stick around to watch Jake and Vienna have at it? I think so.

***

Chris Harrison tells us that many people have found love on his show. We know. There’s Trista and Ryan. And... well, there’s Ryan and Trista... And, that’s about it. But the point remains. At least two people have found love on the show. But he regrets to inform us that Jake and Vienna have split.

Chris sits down with Jake first. Apparently the three of them had dinner together a few weeks ago. What went wrong? Jake can’t even fathom her doing this to him, he says. I don't know what she supposedly did, but I can fathom it. I think it's fair to say Jake was probably the only person who couldn't fathom it.

Now, together for the first time since breaking up, Jake and Vienna, ladies and gentlemen! How did we get here? Vienna said it started about a month after they started dating. The first month was great, but then it went downhill. Things were great in public, but not at home. Vienna was lonely. She said there was emotional abuse, but in her next sentence says there was no emotion with each other. She said she’d have to ask to be kissed and when he complied, it was a little peck. Jake is giving us the 100 yard stare throughout.

Why did she take it to the tabloids, Chris asks? She just wanted to make sure she had a voice. And she spends the rest of the hour really making sure she has a voice. Because she won't shut up. She wants people to know she did try. She loved him and wanted it to be different.

Jake interrupts: "I’m so mad at you. I’m disgusted at you." And then she flirted with him all weekend. Oh yes, he’s got text messages to prove it. She calls him a fame whore. She expected a normal life of a pilot’s wife, but said he’s pursuing a career in acting. “At least I’m pursuing something.” Oh, snap!

Jake says she’s having flings with other men. She’s getting worked up and he calmly says, “Why are you raising your voice?” Who to believe here? Doth she protest too much? Or is he full of it? Who knows? Who cares! This is awesome, though. Is he a fame whore? Is she? They’re both loving airing their dirty laundry in public. I know it’s great TV, but the franchise isn’t doing itself any favours with this public display of dysfunction. But I have two words for any naysayers out there who will use this to slam the show's ability to matchmake: Trista and Ryan. Nuff said.

***

Chris wonders why she took it so far to tell such intimate stories. Why put yourself through this? Her only answer is that she knew Jake would do it if she didn’t. Take the high road, girlie. If he does it first, then you go to other tabs and spill the beans. But make him do it first. If he doesn’t, then you’re golden, too. I don't buy her excuse at all. Especially since she reportedly received $90,000 for her story.

Chris reminds them he was there in St. Lucia when they were in love. He’s trying to get them to see what they loved in each other at one time. That’s a good strategy, I think. But it doesn’t work here. I’d say this is a classic case of irreconcilable differences.

One bone of contention was that she wanted to move back to Florida and escape the surreal world of Hollywood. When Chris asks if she’ll disappear now, she says yes. She's taken on a regular old job... in L.A. She’s digging a hole now. Now she’s saying she can’t go back to her hometown because they all turned their backs on her when she moved to L.A. I'm guessing that's a recurring theme in her life.

“Baby, keep quiet while I’m talking,” Jake tells her. Chauvinist. We knew he had that in him, didn’t we?

“How do you get sick of someone in a month?” she asks. Uh, keep talking, baby. You're showing us how.

I don’t know what to say. I’m just blown away by the total awesomeness of this. I can’t wait until Jillian and Ed end this way! (That’s a joke. Jillian has way too much class and humour to ever let her relationship with the half-wit end in such public humiliation.)

Jake raises his voice a bit, saying “Don’t interrupt me.” And Vienna breaks down completely, storming off the set after telling him he’s the biggest jerk she’s ever met in her life. I think she should pursue a career in acting.

***

Jake says unfortunately that’s what one of their arguments looks like. He says he’s never been in a relationship where he’s raised his voice. Usually he’s much more passive-aggressive than this.

Whew. That was awkward, wasn't it? But I think we have ourselves a new Bachelorette!

And now more brutally bad upcoming highlights. We see Crazy Eyes hugging a mysterious brunette. And his “we need to talk” line. What’s his relationship with this woman? Is this a misdirection? Is she just a best friend and confidante? A sister? Or is it something more sinister? Considering the cameras were rolling when he greeted her, I’m guessing it’s not what we're led to believe.

Anyway, one thing we learned this episode is that it’s entirely possible to do the show in one hour.