Bachelorette Desiree: Have some Madeira, m'dear

Late again but whatchagonnado? I'm writing this from Seattle because I just had to come down here to get a better sense of the freak show that is Chris. Does everyone here speak in iambic pentameter? I haven't noticed any rhyming couplets since arriving. Maybe they're more into free verse and he's just a throwback.

Not much to write about this episode. There wasn't that drama promised last week with Drew. That'll come, I guess. Or not. You never know with these upcoming highlights. And that's exactly how they want it.

This week they were on the island of Madeira in Portugal. Another gorgeous locale. Des even got to invite her three besties from last season to come and give her advice. Jackie, Lesley and Catherine got a free trip and didn't have to do a single thing. They didn't even talk to the guys; just admired them from afar and cackled. That was it. Thanks for your help, girlfriends. Nice work if you can get it.

Tell me this isn't Brooks

First date went to Brooks. (Sidenote: my son was watching Home Run Showdown and the lead actor looked so much like Brooks I actually IMDB'd the movie to see if the actor's name was Brooks. It wasn't.)

Des and Brooks stood at the edge of a vertigo-inducing cliff. Not a guard railing to be seen. Later on she and Michael went street tobogganing down narrow city roads at breakneck speeds without a seat belt. Not that a seat belt would have helped any if a car came through an intersection. I guess Portugal isn't the litigious (let alone safety conscious) society North America is. Good Lord. Maybe that's why Europeans seem smarter than us – they let the dumb ones die doing dumb things.

Brooks and Des went even higher after that. They drove up the tallest mountain in all of Madeira, which may not sound like much but it was above the clouds. This afforded them the chance to break out the metaphors. She's "on the road to falling in love with him." They didn't just break through the clouds; she felt she had a real breakthrough with Brooks. And, of course, they were on "Cloud Nine." In case you missed it the first time one of them said it, they drove the point home by repeating it approximately nine times.

On their date, they were trying to come up with words for leading up to the love stage of romance. Des came up with: stepping, skipping, running, and going in for the finish line. (There was one more I've since forgotten, but you get the idea.) When Brooks asks where she is in that process, he's gobsmacked to learn that she's in the running stage. Gah! He's not quite there yet, he admits to the cameras.

Chris got the second date and they hit the high seas on a yacht. There were some softcore porn shots of them sunscreening each other. Or maybe it just seemed that way because I was watching in slo-mo.

Back on shore, Chris said, somewhat enigmatically, "You seem very independent. Which is huge." Huge? I think I know what he means. But huge? I guess it's hard to find a word that rhymes with 'independent.'

Warning: Contents may cause nausea

Here on this Atlantic island, the always creative Chris got a brilliant idea. He and Des would send a message in a bottle. They'd write it together. How romantic! How horribly hokey! But things went from bad to verse (get it?!) when he suggested it be another trademarked Bad Poem. This guy just has no quit in him. I just wish the delightful Des didn't seem so enamoured of his "talent." I could just see Jillian Harris or even Emily Maynard go along with it playfully but knowing how stupid it really is. But damned if Des isn't totally into it.

Yes, it was predictably godawful. I can't imagine the disappointment some future beach bum is going to feel opening up that nautical time capsule.

Chris told Des he came into the show as a skeptic but has totally fallen for her. Does that mean he wasn't there for the right reasons? Did he enter just for a lark? Or for some more nefarious reason, i.e. publicity? Why aren't these tough questions being asked! The point being nobody is there for the right reasons, so it's silly to single out the obvious bad guys when they're no more guilty than the less obvious ones.

Chris decided he was going to tell Desiree over dinner that he had fallen in love with her. Huge, right? Only he's going to add the patented Bad Poetry angle and tell her in verse. How totally natural. It didn't sound forced at all. Especially when he was fidgety and sweaty. I'm sure it was the sentiment that carried Des away. "Chris, that was beautiful." Then, to prove she can be just as enigmatic as he can, she added, "It melted my heart... In a good way!" As in, not literally. Because that would be very bad indeed.

The guy is so serious it's hard to see what she sees in him. But we must not be seeing the real Chris because she loves his boyish qualities. Best I can figure that means the way he writes poetry to the level of a 12-year-old.

The third date went to Michael and his grating voice. They just explored the town, including the aforementioned street tobogganing. The federal prosecutor looked terrified, probably figuring out who to sue should things go awry.

Michael on his date

The robotic lawyer has a side we didn't get to see, apparently, because Des said, "You're the sweetest person I've ever met in my life." And later said he's "one of the greatest guys" she's ever met. Girls will say anything when they're about to dump you, won't they?

Michael, who Des noted hadn't shown much vulnerability to date, was in job interview mode throughout the date but in his defence, it was their first date. So I'll cut him some slack. In an effort to appear human, he spoke of experiencing heartbreak.

The final date was a two-on-one. There was a rose on the line, but nobody was going home. Zak and Drew went go-cart racing. Zak won the head-to-head race, but Drew won rose. In their alone time, Zak whipped out a sketch book in which he recapped his journey so far in drawings. It was the illustrated equivalent of Chris' awful versification. But Drew trumped the amateur hour talent show with an honest declaration of love. In unscripted words yet.

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison sat down with Des. And when talk turned to Brooks, she got emotional and admitted she's hit the finish line with him. Yikes. Harrison must be onto something because he then asked, "How do you think he feels about you?" Okay, maybe that's a leading question, maybe it isn't. But when Des said she's falling in love with him, Harrison says, "Wow! That's complicated." Thanks for the words of support!

So Drew was safe. Three roses would be handed out, with one man going home. And we all knew who that would be. They went in order to:

1. Brooks
2. Chris
3. Zak

The federal prosecutor just lost his case. Michael is heartbroken again. He made it seem like his mother was the one he was really sorry for. All he wanted was for her to meet Des, who she loved from last season. So he gets in the limo and phones home. "You're not going to meet Des because she sent me home tonight," he told her. The mom didn't sound too upset, although maybe she sounded a bit fed up with her son's bad luck in love: "Here we go again," she said.

Bachelorette Desiree: The three amigos accusate

It's Thursday. Where does the time go? This is simply unacceptable. Let me just say it's hard to crank this out during the summer months. It's sunny and hot, days are full, drinking may or may not be involved. But here we are. I don't blame you for not reading.

Anyway, on to Barthelona! Sorry, I mean Barcelona! But you gotta love a place where everyone adorably lisps. Plus, it's gorgeous there, no? Made me want to go. Then again, almost every location does. And I'll probably never go to any of them.

Chris Harrison showed up early (no idea why he needs to be there at all given his limited role in the show) to inform the guys there'd be no cocktail party this week. I guess Desiree doesn't like to party. That's two weeks in a row. And she decided this week before they even did anything. Does she have her mind made up already? Well, judging from the end-of-show upcoming highlights, she might have. She said of Drew that "the only thing that's kept me here is you." But more on that later.

Speaking of Dreamboat Drew, he got the first date. A solo one. He pulled an Alvy Singer and planted a big ole kiss on her just as they headed out to get it out of the way.

When they got time to talk, Drew told her that his father is his hero because he's a recovering alcoholic who has dedicated his life to helping others. Then he told her he has cancer and "not many people know." Including the people in his office. Uh, they might now. This is a man who can clearly keep a secret. He's quick to blame others for saying certain things when the cameras aren't rolling; couldn't he have told her about his dad when they weren't filming? Des said she felt closer to him after hearing his story, but she would have heard it regardless of whether it was captured on tape or not.

Even though they were on a one-on-one, Drew felt the need to "steal her away." Cut him some slack. He's new at this. Maybe he doesn't understand the concept. So he took her away to an alley as the cameras scrambled to follow them. You could see the POV shake as a camera operator was taking it out of the tripod. The crew gave chase and found the couple making out again. Maybe in those moments when they had lost the crew, running hand-in-hand to their hideaway, he could have frantically whispered, "By the way, my dad has cancer!" And his secret would still be safe.

While in the alley, Des happened to have the rose with her. So she quickly offered it up to Drew. Once that was secured, he could start the James nonsense going. He told her he overheard a conversation between James and Mikey where he said if he made it to the final four, he could be the next Bachelor. I know what you're thinking: "So what?" Well, we're sitting back dispassionately and rational and not under the bright lights so it's easy for us to see that the comments, by themselves, meant absolutely nothing of significance. But this is reality TV and emotions are heightened. Des, who has shown herself to be extremely trusting (i.e. gullible), believed every word and the accompanying interpretation. "I'm so disappointed in James," she said. "He can go screw himself." No room for alternative explanations or context. Drew said it, Des believes it, that settles it.

But in the light of day, she said she wanted to give James the benefit of the doubt. It's group date time and James is one of the gang. They get a soccer lesson on a professional pitch. Juan Pablo is in his element. Not only is he a Spanish speaker in Spain, he's a former professional soccer player to boot. But he's irrelevant here. Sure, he scores the first two goals of the game against Des and a team of women, but we know how these things end, right? Goliath always gets beaten by David. Or in this case Davida.

The women go on to win 10-2. You read that right. Can we pin the blame on James? Sure looked like it. Every goal the gals scored, James was a statue in net. That being said, how about a change in keeper? It's 5-2 and the guy's still there? Make a change, coach! He clearly wasn't cut out for the job.

But it just led into all the James drama, which is what the producers wanted. The rest of the show was basically all James against the world. Or at least James against the Three Amigos: Kasey, Chris and Michael. But other than Drew and sometimes Brooks, the others remained quiet on the bogus brouhaha. It also occurred to me that Des was a former contestant who finished in the top four and went on to become the Bachelorette. So it's perhaps a tad hypocritical of her to judge James so harshly. Yes, I get it that she maybe wasn't thinking of that at the time, but I also don't think it's so wrong to imagine the very real possibility that out of a dozen or so others, you might not be the one she chooses.

And now here's the part I really hate

When Des meets Chris on a date

Or any time they're all alone

He reads to her a silly poem.

This time, though, it was her turn

She'd written one, too, we soon learned

I don't know if I was mad or sad

I just know it was really, really bad

But it worked for Des in her process of downsizing

The love scale between them is rapidly rising

And as she lay on the bed in hot pursuit

She made sure to wear her knee-high boots

Was her poem this bad? It could be argued

So ends the Ode to Des and Drew

I hate to be the one who has to rebuke

But one more poem and I'm gonna puke

Next Kasey took a turn attacking James and misrepresenting his statement. He said James said he was in the best position to become the next Bachelor, which, given all other reports, isn't what he said or meant at all. But he and his dos amigos took the opportunity to confront the big fella.

Make that 226 reasons

Type I Michael went full-on prosecution mode. Boy, he gets annoying fast, doesn't he? He didn't hear anything first-hand, but acted like he not only heard it but had transcribed recordings of the conversation. The guy is giving lawyers a bad name… Wait. Scratch that. He's confirming everyone's opinions of lawyers.

James' defence was he said it in jest. That was his first explanation. Throughout the show he had different excuses. Normally that kind of inconsistency would be enough to make me doubt him but for some reason I don't. I think it's just extremely difficult to explain private guy talk. Yes, he was talking to three guys, but he was also talking to the world through the cameras pointed at his face and he knew how it sounded. And even if he was being completely serious with his comment, it's not any slight on Des or his intentions to wonder about all the possibilities which might arise from this experience.

Line of the night went to Kasey, who said James is so out of his mind, he's irrational and willing to "accusate". I've since added it to my personal vocabulary and am petitioning Webster's Dictionary to have it included.

After Kasey went to Des to tell all, she decided there'd be no rose for anyone. They were all to go home… except James, who she wanted to talk to. "Shit's about to hit the fan," she bleeped.

She told James she was okay with his future Bachelor plans (in so many words) but what really irked her was his talk of the women and boats he and Mikey could get in Chicago. Again, it's hard to explain or defend out of context guy talk and James was hooped on this one. For any woman reading this, trust me, men never talk about women. This was clearly the exception that proves the rule. Des said she believes everything because she fully trusts the rat finks who told her.

James cried, which may have kept him around an extra day. He got to go back to the hotel and shock all the guys. I really thought he should have the limo drive stop off at a store on his way home so he could buy a rose. It would have been so funny to see the looks on their faces with him walking in with a rose. Instead, he just walked in and said, "Gentlemen, good night."

The last one-on-one date went to the old guy, Zak. Barthelona brought out the creative side of Des so they went to an art studio to draw a model. Both of their efforts were pretty good, too. Then out came a naked guy. We didn't get to see their artistic renderings. But it did give Old Man Zak an idea: The former priest wannabe who gave up his spiritual quest so as to dedicate his life to his abs, decided it was his turn. He exited then re-entered wearing a robe, took to the stage and dropped it. He didn't do the Full Monty – he was wearing tighty-whities – but he only wanted to show off what he could work on. Some things in life are just what nature intended them to be, nothing more and nothing less.

James decided he needed to talk to Drew, who was the first to squeal. Chris politely left the room. James entered reasonably and I had high hopes Drew would keep things reasonable. But he wouldn't budge from his unreasonable interpretation of events. When James said he was just being realistic, Drew responded, "How can you acknowledge there's any other possible reality?" Hmm, maybe because he's a sentient human being with an imagination.

Chris added that he, himself, is "100% not thinking about becoming the Bachelor. Ever." Oh, how sweet it would be if Chris, Kasey, Michael or Drew became the next Bachelor. Hypocrisy would reign supreme. Not that Michael would ever be picked for anything, but the point remains.

Des woke up knowing she must send James home. And Michael, the federal prosecutor, said of James, "He was found guilty. The People versus James: Case dismissed." I'm not legal expert, but if the case were dismissed, doesn't that mean that there'd be no legal case against James and he would be exonerated? 

But at least he got to the rose ceremony. Old Man Zak and Dreamboat Drew already got their roses. Tonight three guys would go home. Weird when some weeks only one leaves, but it is what it is. The three remaining roses went in order to:

1. Chris
2. Brooks
3. Michael. Yes, that Michael.

That meant James, as we knew, along with Kasey and Juan Pablo were goners. James said, "I got bullied right out the door. I just became the next Ben. How? How did I become a bad person? Why me?"

Now, on to those dastardly upcoming highlights. I know they are always misleading but it sure looked like she doesn't go through with this. I know, I could simply Bing some spoiler and find out what happens but what fun is that? It looked like Drew dropped out, after all that fuss he made over James. She tearfully tells him, "The only thing that's kept me here is you," and he responds, "It's just never going to work." Drew for the next Bachelor!

Bachelorette Desiree: The prosecution never rests

Willkommen! We're in Germany this week. Actually, I'm sitting on my couch at home but wouldn't it be wonderful if The Bachelorette paid me to blog from on location? Hell, wouldn't it be cool if anyone paid me to blog from anywhere? But I digress.

It was a big old sausage party in Munich as Des and her ten dates wandered around the Bavarian capital. She continued to wear her Puss In Boots-style footwear, which aren't the most flattering but her charisma and cutesiness override any fashion miscues.

Her first date was with Cross-Dressing Chris, who managed to stay out of women's heels this week. Des likes him because he's "cute, goofy, funny and himself." They did, though, dress up in traditional German costumes for fun. Because that's what you do on dates, I've learned through years of watching this franchise.

There was some drama on the date, but not with Chris. Rather Broodin' Bryden felt the need to leave Munich soon after getting there. Not only that, it couldn't wait until after her date. He hit the town asking passersby if a) they spoke English, and if yes, then b) had they seen television cameras anywhere in town. They all resisted the temptation to respond, "Yes, look over your shoulder. There's one right behind you."His queries eventually struck gold when a man pointed him in the direction of the town square (I'm guessing), where Desiree and Chris were blissfully dancing alone while the local citizenry looked on aghast.

In classic foreshadowing, Chris said, "I don't think anything could go wrong."

Broodin' Bryden interrupted them. I believe that's a first on a private date, isn't it? Either way, it's extremely rare. You can imagine the surprise and anger that must have caused. Actually, it caused neither. Both seemed happy to see him. Des let out a big, "Yeah!" and Chris gladly handed over his date to the interloper.

Bryden then broke up with her. Poor girl was devastated: "Alright, bye Bryden," she said. Okay, it wasn't that dramatic at all. But she did tear up in the interview. Still, she was fine. And when Chris told her he was there for the long haul, any hurt she might have felt all disappeared.

She told Chris her last boyfriend had been unexpressive. He couldn't say, "I love you" and had a hard time dishing out a compliment. This inspired Chris to read from a prepared script. What's worse, it was a poem. And what's even worser is that it was an original poem, i.e. clunky sentences strung together with a lame rhyme at the end of each. The poem was entitled, "Thoughts So True." I think that tells you enough right there. Des actually teared up listening to it, but that's probably because she was still thinking about Bryden. Or else there was a whiff of onion in the air. It couldn't have been due to that piece of written garbage.

But no, it was! She loved it. It only got worse from there. They got a private concert from some American singer. They're in Munich and they get Matt White? I know Marlene Dietrich is dead but surely there's someone with a bit of Euro-flair they could have used. Or how about an oompah-pah band?

Oh, and of course Chris got the rose.

True love

The group date went to the top of Germany's tallest mountain, where they met the Slim Whitman of Germany who yodelled and doled out marriage advice (a woman should do whatever the man wants). Then they took to mini-toboggans and slid down an icy path. Des lost control and crashed, as did some others. Which prompted Zak (new nickname to follow) to draw another patented Bachelor/ette analogy: Love is like sledding down this hill. I guess it makes sense given the show's success rate. Love is beautiful (the view from the mountain top) and new (tobogganing), and soon after falling in love (heading down the mountain) you crash (break up).

Then they went to an ice hotel. I'm just glad this wasn't in Canada. Americans already think we're a frozen tundra. Now they can think that of Germany for a while.

Brooks got the first private time with Des. He started talking and she shut him right up by grabbing him around his neck and yanking him towards her eager mouth. That's her go-to move, it seems.

Meathead Mikey looked the most freshly shaved I've ever seen him. He felt he deserved the rose because he's had to "sweat out every rose ceremony" so far. If you're keeping track at home, that's his second "sweat" reference in as many weeks.

While he was having his tete-a-tete with Des, we could see Zak in the distance preparing for his unique interruption. Instead of the usual, he cupped his hands to his mouth and yodelled over to her. Mikey smiled but during the interview he was miffed, calling Zak a "jackass." Which leads to the new nickname: Zakass.

Zakass then revealed to Des that in college he had thoughts of becoming a priest. To do some soul-searching, he took a trip to Europe, climbed a mountain and reflected. It was then that he decided instead to devote his life to his abs.

I mentioned a couple of posts ago I thought Zak looks really old. That revelation cemented it for me. No young people are becoming priests anymore. I told you the guy is probably at least 55.

Meanwhile, James became the focus of attention. He supposedly mentioned that if he came in the top four, he'd have a good chance of becoming the next Bachelor. He denies it, but it rankled the guys. Presumably, that has never crossed their single-purpose minds before.

Brooks described James as "cutting, short and vulgar" when he's around the fellas. Imagine that, a man being vulgar around other men! I've never heard tell of such base actions before! He sounds like an absolute scallywag. Pardon my language.

Brooks was the lucky recipient of the group date rose.

The last date was the dreaded 2-on-1, where one person was guaranteed to go home. It was between mortal enemies Type I Michael (whose nickname derives from his medical condition but also applies to his personality trait) and Big Bad Ben, whose smug demeanour rubs everyone the wrong way. Ben said he was going to treat the date as a 1-on-1 with Michael as just an onlooker. Didn't exactly turn out that way.

Michael, a federal prosecutor, went into full-on attack mode. He threw around terms like murder, prosecute, guilty, fraud and Armageddon. That kind of strategy may work well in the courtroom but it really backfired on the date. Don't get me wrong, he still won his case, but he didn't win over any fans. Ben wasn't suckered into Michael's argumentativeness. He sat meekly by as any- and everything was turned into an assault on his character. Michael finds Ben "repulsive" and he couldn't hide his disgust.

The date started on the frosty lake in a hot tub boat, probably the greatest invention I've ever seen, and then moved indoors. Throughout both, Michael wouldn't let up. He called Ben an "absentee father who uses his son" and called into question his professed faith. That last one prompted Ben to excuse himself and go out to catch some fresh air and gather his thoughts. Des was uncomfortable and looked not at all happy with Michael's button-pushing.

When it came time to hand out the rose, I thought neither one would get it, but if someone had to, it would be Ben. To my surprise, the judge ruled in the prosecution's favour. When she made her decision, Ben got up, said, "Continue dinner. It's okay. I'm fine," and walked out. When Des saw him outside, he graciously said goodbye. He seemed like the Christian gentleman he purports to be.

Inside the limo, though, was another story. Were his true colours revealed? His first words were, "Do you want me to sit here and look unhappy? I'm not." He then proceeded to get bleeped a few times, made a reference to Hollywood (no idea what he meant by it), then suggested he makes the most out of his last night in Munich by getting drunk.

All the guys back at the lodging celebrated when they saw Ben's bags being carted away. Kasey, the Hashtag man, didn't like how Ben was there to promote his business. Did you catch the irony? A marketing guy who hashtags his way through life doesn't approve of self-promotion.

The rose ceremony would take place in a beautiful castle. But Des didn't need no stinkin' cocktail party.  What the hell is up with that? She didn't want to put them through such an ordeal. Now, tis true, I've never been a part of one, but is it such an ordeal? Plus they've got the loan of this amazing building and she just wants to hand out roses and go home? Boo to that.

Some of the men didn't like it, either, because they wanted time to warn her of James' perceived deceit. But no such luck. And since she wasn't warned – this time or any time previous to this – we can now conclude once and for all that producers make the final call on the order of roses handed out. James was selected last, leaving us in breathless anticipation. Last is usually reserved for those controversial types. But in Desiree's eyes, anyway, he wasn't controversial in the slightest. She knew nothing. The fix is in, people!

So, as you know, Brooks, Chris and Michael were pre-rosed. Bryden had already removed himself from the competition (what are the odds he comes back, by the way?) and Ben was given the boot. That left five roses to hand out, and one gentleman to be sent packing. They went in order to:

1. Zakass (Father Zak)
2. Hashtag (Kasey)
3. Sexy Soccer man (Juan Pablo)
4. The Jaw (Drew)
5. Big James

That meant the likable Meathead Mikey would not advance. Do you wonder if being a plumbing contractor led to his exit?

Drew was pissed. He said, "James is a cancer and he's put Des in a spell." He characterized the big fella as an "immature, shallow, materialistic, self-serving piece of shit." And those are his good points!

Next week: Barcelona. Methinks Juan Pablo will figure prominently in this one. And the requisite tears.