Bachelorette Desiree: Rush to judgment(s)

This third episode of Desiree's season was like a microcosm of all past episodes (minus the helicopters): We saw hanging off buildings, dress-up, bad acting, horses, ambulances, and cheating. And for me, anyway, it was, perhaps, the worst episode of all time. I can't put my finger on it directly but I hated it.

The group date saw 10 guys learn the fine art of dodgeball from a group of professional dodgeballers... No, that can't be right. They were from a group called the National Dodgeball League, but surely there can't be any money in it. I guess coming on this series is a way to grow their profile, although it hasn't worked for any of the bands, product placement or former contestants beyond the proverbial 15 minutes.

The fellas were then split up into teams and faced each other in an epic battle to determine... absolutely nothing. They came out scowling in tight, bright uniforms featuring shorts like they used to wear as recently as the early 1990s.

Sidenote: I know fashions change, but that trend from shorter shorts to gaucho-lenght shorts came fast and to the point where women, and men, think it looks ridiculous for dudes to show off their legs. In an era where they show off everything else, what's the big deal with exposing upper thighs? We love women in short-shorts. Double standard! Forget the shorts, the real fashion faux-pas was Brooks' samurai pony tail on the top of his head.

Granted, I don't know the intricacies of dodgeball, but I thought if you're hit with the ball, you're out. Judging from the action montage, it all seemed quite arbitrary. Guys were being hit and would stay on. Knowing this show, I guess the producers would just choose who would have to sit down in order to make it a "thrilling" 3-set match. You knew it was going the distance, right? They always do.

The tension mounted when Brooks broke his finger. Whew, boy, that was close! I thought for sure he was a goner. People don't often make it back from such an injury. Thankfully, the emergency room doctors drew the right amount of blood and gave him all the oxygen he needed and he was able to make a miraculous return to the after-party.

And despite this being for all the marbles, the egalitarian Desiree opened it up to every participant. Everyone gets a ribbon! I wonder if she just wanted someone from the losing team to be there, and if his team had won, she wouldn't have been so inclusive.

Des was worried about Brooks before he stumbled up to the door near death. I don't know why he needed to go to all that effort because staying away would have been a sure-fire rose. Always leave them wanting more, kid. First rule of show biz.

Brad, who I just had to look up – turns out he was the chicken wishbone guy from the first episode, and that's all I know about him! – needed to get some time with Desiree to tell her his haunting tale. I was braced for a doozy. He opened saying he had a 3-year-old son. I thought that wasn't very nice to describe his son with the word 'haunting', but I was premature. There was more.

He has full custody of his kid because the mother had drinking problems that culminated with the fuzz arresting him for domestic violence! Now, to hear him describe it, it was all a misunderstanding. The charges were thrown out, after all. But there are two sides to every story. As we found out later, Des doesn't really grasp that concept. She hears one side and sticks to it. No need to hear further evidence. Our lady's mind is made up! It helps if you can sell it a little bit with tears or histrionics to really sell your side of the story.

Oh, and did you catch the potential time problem with his story? He has a 3-year-old but the arrest kerfuffle happened three-and-a-half years ago. Yes, it's only a potential problem. I realize it could still add up. I just thought it was interesting and would want to learn more before arriving at my opinion.

Another fashion faux-pas was seeing the natural beauty clomping around in stiletto-heeled boots. Not her best look.

Chris, who I called nebbishy last week, took her to the roof where she told him, "Honestly, it's the smallest things that mean the most to me." A look of relief hit him as he glanced furtively down at his own trousers. He's still in the game!

She made out with a sweaty and disheveled, not to mention near-death, Brooks, but it is to her great credit that she didn't offer the rose to him. Instead she offered it to nebbishy Chris and he gladly accepted. They were then given a private concert by someone called Kate Earl and for the second week in a row the music wasn't horrible. Or maybe I'm just becoming inured to it.

Next up was the drama the producers love. They love it so much they create it themselves! The scene started out with Des sitting on her sofa writing in the antique journal Zak gave her last week:

Dear Diary,
I experimented with lipstick today in preparation for the phoney phone call I'm about to get from Chris Harrison. I hope I remember my lines!
Des

She was interrupted by the phone ringing. Who could it be?! It was none other than TV's Chris Harrison explaining to her that he had some bad news about one of the guys. Turns out Shiny Headed Brian had a girlfriend back home. Not only that, but she's here with us today! Give her a hand!

Enter Stephanie, hysterical. Remember what I said earlier about emoting to get Des to buy your side of the story? Worked like a charm here. I have no idea who's right and who's lying in this case of he said/she said, but there's no way Des could know either from what we saw. Brian was level-headed and sounded plausible when he said the relationship was over a long time ago. But Stephanie claimed they were together right before he left for California. Hmm, how could we ever know the truth? I mean besides calling a couple impartial witnesses who could shed some light on the affair. But that would take maybe 15 valuable minutes and time is money! Best to just besmirch the guy's reputation for two hours on prime time national television.

But there's something else to consider: Stephanie said on a few occasions that she had tried to break up with him and he wouldn't accept. So... she wanted to break up with him? Then what's the problem? Also, while it does, indeed, take two to tango in the love department, breaking up can be a solo dance. You don't need approval from the other person to walk away.

Chris Harrison, doing his best to fake impartiality, let Des make the final decision on Brian, in no way influencing her judgment by saying, "Is there any chance this guy is staying here?" Yeah, "this guy." The answer: "No, not a chance."

And just how did Stephanie not only find out Brian's deceit (the show hadn't begun airing when this was filmed), but know who to contact to get on the show? And was she told to spew out words like, "lying, cheating, deceitful pig"? Maybe not, but her final query hurled at him was laughably written: "What am I supposed to tell Donovan, my son, who looked up to you?" Does that sound natural to you? I can just imagine the takes on this one.

Stephanie: What am I supposed to tell Donovan?
Director: Cut! Wait, honey, who's Donovan?
Stephanie: He's my son.
Director: Well, the people at home don't know that. C'mon, honey, use your noggin!... Action!
Stephanie: What am I supposed to tell Donovan, my son?
Director: Cut! Wait, he's your son, not Brian's? What does he have to do with this then?
Stephanie: Well, he really looks up to Brian.
Director: Okay, then, use that! Our audience is stupid. You need to spell it out for them. And keep the tears flowing, please... And action!
Stephanie: What am I supposed to tell Donovan, my son, who looked up to you?!
Director: And print it! Great work, babe. Now scram. Time's wasting!

But she raises an interesting question, doesn't she? What, indeed, should she tell young Donovan? Oh, I know! How about mentioning that she tried to break up with him so it was going to happen either way. I guess now, though, she gets some sort of performance fee that'll see her through the next month or so.

Cynical? Just a tad.

Oh, and didn't you love how the henchman wouldn't let the guy talk to the others before he left? "No, straight up to your room." Brian dutifully obeyed. But what would (could) they have done if he hadn't listened? He's off the show. There are no more rules to follow.

And then, to make matters worse, Brandon, the adrenaline junkie from the broken home, broke down over the whole thing. He had flashbacks to when he was a young kid and his mom would bring men home. He'd grow attached and then they'd leave. Rinse and repeat. It was too much for him to bear. Okay, fair enough. I don't want to bag on the guy. I can't know what he went through as a kid (although my mom had boyfriends, too; I guess I just never grew attached to them). But it is fair to say that he probably has too much baggage.

The one-on-one date went to Kasey, who thankfully hasn't uttered a single hashtag comment since the opening night. Speaking of hashtags, though, the disruptive and annoying tweets were still part of the show. My sense was there were fewer of them, though. Hopefully that's because the army of Alexa, our heroine from last week, flooded them with protest tweets they couldn't use.

The date started with some building dancing. That is, hanging off the side of a building and pushing off it, twirling around, and landing back on the window without shattering it and crashing through. Mission accomplished.

Then they went to the top of the building for the evening portion of the date. They timed it perfectly for the windstorm that hit. The set was blowing over so they decided to hop into the pool. Bad move. It was freezing. Kasey managed to force Des into a kiss but she didn't seem into it. She called the date "disastrous" but still gave him the rose.

The final date was with five fellas. They were picked up from the mansion by a stagecoach and four horses and they travelled all the way to... the end of the driveway, I'm sure. Even though we saw the stagecoach pull up at a ranch, there's no way that thing took to the Los Angeles freeways.

Product placement

The stunt team from a new western (I refuse to give them what they want – publicity) was there to teach the fledgling cowboys how to fake fight. They each put on a little scene and Des picked the best one. Or, more accurately, she picked who she was going to pick regardless. The producers just helped Juan Pablo's cause by putting sound effects for his fake punches to make them look that much better. Did you catch that? None of the others got SFX.

But the South American caballero had charisma, I'll grant him that. He and Des got to take off to a barn, eat popcorn, make out a bit, and get a private screening of the new film.

It occurred to me during this segment that the formerly shirtless Zak, with the six-pack stomach, looks to be about 55 from the neck up. No wonder he likes to draw attention to his midsection.

I thought for sure Big James was going to be sent packing. He just seems like an odd fit. He even leaned in for a kiss, and she quickly let it land on her cheek. But he got a pity rose and will stick around for one more week at least.

The cocktail party was replaced by a "relaxed, chill" pool party in the afternoon. The dastardly Ben intercepted first and took Des for a 15-minute car ride. Whatever, right? But the guys were all getting impatient, wondering where she was. They'd been waiting for a long time, they complained. And I'm thinking, "Uh, she's 15 minutes late." It's L.A. traffic. She could have been stuck behind a stagecoach.

Ooh, Mikey, the Fat Tom Selleck, was steaming. That Ben needed a good old punch in the face. Ben didn't care. It's called The Bachelorette for a reason, he reasoned, not Let's Be Friends. Zing! Right back atcha, Mikey.

That Mikey is a built dude, did you notice? And so are most of them. I was heartened to see nebbishy Chris's sunken chest. Not only can normal guys get selected for the show, but they can last a few episodes. There's hope.

Brandon, who had to walk around without without pants last week, dropped them again this week. Metaphorically, anyway. He told Des that he's falling in love with her and he thinks about her all day long. Too soon, young man, too soon. Then he says, "Let me tell you a secret." She leans in. The secret was that he didn't have a secret. But he did have two lips and knew how to use them. That took Des a bit by surprise. Brandon was on Cloud Nine. He marvelled at "how perfect and meant to be we really are."

At the rose ceremony, he said he's never felt so confident. You know that's the kiss of death. With James, Kasey and Chris all rosed up, ten more would be added. They went in order to:

1. Bryden, the Iraq war vet
2. Juan Pablo, the former soccer pro
3. Zak W, the old abs guy
4. Brooks, the 9-fingered wonder
5. Drew and his jaw
6. Zack, the increasingly invisible book publisher
7. Brad, with the haunting story
8. Michael, the Type I prosecutor
9. Mikey, Fat Tom Selleck
10. Ben, the dastardly single dad

That left Brandon, poor Brandon, and some guy named Dan out in the cold. Dan was "bummed." No doubt he'll be more bummed seeing how he was edited out of every episode. Brandon was "blown away." Des knew it would be hard on him. She told him, "You're an incredible person; just not for me." He walked out and she could have left it at that but she felt the pangs of guilt and chased after him. She told him she didn't think they had chemistry and she just couldn't explain it. He maintained his love for her and gave one of the all-time great woe-is-me exit quotes:

Once again someone left me. Once again. Yeah, way to go, Brandon. I can't even cry. I'm just out of tears.

I think Wes needs to turn that into a country song.

Bachelorette Desiree: To B or not to B

These guys would be a better fit for Des

My wife's work has a Bachelorette pool going. Yesterday afternoon she asked me who she should pick. I responded I didn't even know who was in it. Do people actually remember these bozos after one viewing? Hell, it takes me half a season to figure out who's who. I swear I didn't know who at least half the guys were at the final rose ceremony last night.

Last week I said it was a really uninspiring group of guys – perhaps the worst group ever. After week 2, I stand by my opinion. I realize things can change but they didn't last night. Desiree begs to disagree. She said, "I couldn't have asked for a better group of guys!" Maybe that statement was borne out of desperation. She certainly looked desperate the way she was aggressively attacking their tonsils with her tongue at every given opportunity.

Brooks got the first date. He looked marginally better, perhaps because he was more relaxed. And he seemed like a decent enough dude on their date. Des reminded us that she has a "desire and a passion to design wedding dresses." So what better activity than to go out and try on wedding dresses made by other people? Brooks got in on the act, too, and when they were suitably suited, they took to the town.

[cough] Hollywood! [cough]

In "her" baby blue Bentley, they drove to the hills and sat on the Hollywood sign. Looking over Los Angeles, Brooks marvelled that it was "like you're floating on clouds." Uh, that's smog, Country Mouse.

He told her about his last relationship, which didn't end well. Des, proving that when you like someone you see connections that aren't really there, said that what Brooks went through in his last relationship was just like her experience. And any other human being's experience, save for the statistically insignificant proportion of the population who marry their first love and live happily ever after.

At night, Des, who did all the driving, took a wrong turn into a seedy part of the city. There were sirens, graffiti and razor blade wiring. Oh, and a camera crew. Still, Brooks played along like they were at risk. Des saw a road blocked off and decided to move the signs and head on down that lonesome road. I was on the edge of my seat... on the way to turn off the TV for insulting my intelligence like that. Is anyone under the illusion that anything on this show is done in the spur of the moment without months of planning? Didn't think so.

Sure enough, in the middle of a bridge, a fancy table and meal were set up, complete with accompanying chandelier. They sat and got to know each other better. Brooks wanted to know more about her family. Just spit it out, man: "What the hell is up with your brother?!" But no, he left it at a more generic level and Des just talked about her parents. She then turned the tables on him and asked about how his coming from a broken home might affect his family aspirations. He stumbled slightly before figuring out an out: He'd choke up over the time he didn't get to spend with his dad and say he wants to have time with his own family that he didn't get as a kid.

Guaranteed Rose Just Ahead

Brooks got the rose for being "so open and vulnerable." Which is a lesson to future contestants: fake vulnerability. It's a sure-fire guarantee of a rose.

Further down the deserted bridge was a stage and a guy named Andy Grammer, who I'd never heard of but it looked like Des knew because she was singing along. And of all the lousy, gawdawful bands they get to serenade couples with on this show, this guy might be the best. Which isn't to say I'd ever buy his stuff, but he looked great in comparison.

Desiree's dance teacher

As someone who doesn't dance, I may not be in the best position to judge others, but did anyone else think Desiree had the same spasmodic dancing qualities as Elaine Benes?

The funniest line of the episode came from the nebbishy Chris. "I came here to spend time with Des and I've yet to get a date card," he whined precisely one week and one date card into the proceedings. I realize he may very well have said that much later on and this is the fault of the producers/editors, but I'm just going by what they're showing us.

The group date saw 14 guys make a rap video with an artist named Soulja Boi. First they auditioned for the lead roles by doing some freestyling. One guy, I forget who, started his off with "Roses are red, violets are blue" so you know he's got hella street cred. One might assume that Will, the only African-American in the group, might have the upper hand but he performed more like the banker that he is. He said, "I did absolutely terrible."

The guys played caricatures of former Bachelorette contestants, such as Wes, the Wrassler, and Mesnick. Brandon had to do his sans pants. No idea what guy he was supposed to be.

Throughout the show, we were subject to those very distracting Tweets. Look, I like Twitter as much as the next person but I can go there to read if I want. Anything that pulls focus from what's on screen can't help in the long run. If our brains are processing the words we're reading, we may hear what's being said but it's not registering in the same way. Or if my eyes are diverted to the bottom of the screen, I may miss a subtle look or kiss or whatever. I've said from the beginning, if you insist on showing Tweets, do it during the montages of scenery.

But one came through that was an instant classic:

I wish the tweets at the bottom of the screen would go away on the bachelorette. #noonecares
— Alexa Stout (@AlexaStout) June 4, 2013

How about we all agree to Tweet variations on that theme for the next show? Inundate them with messages of protest. We can win this battle! Alexa Stout can be the Susan B. Anthony of the anti-Tweet movement!

At the after-rap wrap party, the formerly shirtless Zak W. presented Des with an "antique" journal. I use quotation marks because the inscription, from father to daughter, read fairly modern, as did the penmanship. But I'm nitpicking. The gesture was still hollow.

Everyone had it out for Ben. Now, don't get me wrong, Ben looks smug but it puzzles me how everyone can be so against the guy yet the cameras haven't given us any solid evidence.

Mikey, the Fat Tom Selleck, took Ben outside to raise his concerns about him. He said, "You're nice to us when the cameras are rolling." So that explains some of it. But when everyone's talking about one guy, couldn't the producers go about trying to get some film of him to corroborate the story? Anyway, Ben disarmed Mikey by complimenting him on his shoes. Yeah, that happened.

There was a rose on the line and some said they should just all forget about it and go about having a fun evening. Ben, however, told us he was old-fashioned so he needs to pursue the girl. Not so old-fashioned that he won't have a child out of wedlock, but old-fashioned in the same way the journal was "antique."

Just once...

Ben talked to Des about his son, and Des said all the right things. She's open to all that and a guy with a kid doesn't scare her at all. Just once I'd like to see a Bachelor/ette say that kids are a deal breaker.

Michael G, a federal prosecutor, sat down with her and began with a pet peeve of mine. He talked about "my mother, my sister, my nana." Excuse me? Your what? Nana is a name you call your grandmother. If you're going to use the actual term, i.e. mother, sister, etc., the correct continuation would be "my grandmother" – even if you call your grandmother Nana, Grannie, or Dave. It would be like calling your sister Jane, "my Jane." Got it? Good.

Brandon, who was parading around pantsless a few hours earlier, was stiff and humourless that night... You know what I mean... He needed to talk to Des so he could give her the hard sell: "I'm not an Ivy Leaguer, I don't have a billion dollar business, blah, blah, blah." There had to be a good "but" in there, right? What would it be? But I am the most loyal and loving man you'll ever meet? But I have a huge penis? What? Here's what he said: "But I was born." Actually, it's not as dumb as it sounds because I would have sworn he was a robot the way he was talking.

He went on to talk about his broken home, his mom being a drug addict, and how he had to raise his siblings even though he was only 11. He ended it by saying, "I wanna come home to you and love you." Too soon, buddy. It's only week 2.

It's no wonder she gave the group date rose to Ben. He was the Andy Grammer to the other guys' former bands on the show: only good in comparison.

From left: Brooks, Ben, Bryden

The final date went to Bryden. She clearly likes her B-boys: Brooks, Ben and Bryden. Out came the Bentley and they went on a road trip culminating at a spa in Ojai, California. We saw them briefly on a beach along the way, and driving around. At dinner, she said she "hasn't laughed that hard in so long." I guess the cameras were reloading at that point. They miss a lot, don't they? No Ben misdeeds, no gut-busting laughs.

Bryden, an Iraq war vet, told Des about a horrible car accident he had in his early 20s. Not only that, he showed her photos. Yes, over dinner. But it worked. She gave him a rose for "opening up." See, I told you it works.

At the swimming pool, Bryden kept talking as she stared love daggers at him. There'd be a break in conversation and I said – twice, yet – "Just kiss her already." The third time, Desiree said, "Just kiss me already!" Good on her for taking the bull by the horns instead of doing nothing and then complaining that he didn't act. But I still can't help but think of her brother watching this. I'd watch a whole other season of him watching this series. 

At the cocktail party, Des's hair, kinda puffy and parted in the middle, made her look remarkably like that other cutie, Kacie B. God, I miss her. Can I just take a moment to reflect on how cute she was?...

Ahh, that's better

Thank you.

Michael, the federal prosecutor, had some big news he had to get off his chest. He sat down with Des and said, "There's something I want to tell you." The news was he has had Type I Diabetes since he was 16. How about just bringing it up in conversation so it doesn't sound like such a big deal? I mean, I know it's kind of a big deal, but why play it up?

In the middle of his heartfelt talk, Ben, with his rose clipped to his lapel, interrupts and whisks Des away for a private chat outside. That's the dick move we've been waiting to see to prove he's a scumbag! Finally. Okay, I'm starting to get it. But my question is why would she go with him? How about this, Des?: "Oh, Ben, I'm just talking to Michael right now. And since you have a rose, we'll have lots of time to talk but I just want to make sure everyone else gets a fair chance, too. Thanks."

The other fellas were steaming on behalf of Michael. Several of them give him a stern talking to outside, where he stands with a silly grin and red cheeks. Michael later said he was shocked he didn't have his son go in and interrupt them. Objection, your Honour! Low blow!

Of course, there was other interrupting going on, as there always will be. Shiny Forehead Brian interrupted Sacrificial Will but we didn't see any of the original conversation because the producers didn't want us to get attached to the high-fiving banker.

With Brooks, Ben and Bryden already safe, that left 13 other roses to hand out, while three would be sent home. Moving on are:

1. Wide James, the intense big guy who wants to grow old and fat (selected 8th last week)
2. Kasey, the annoying hashtag guy who thankfully was shut out of the final edit this week (selected 7th last week)
3. Dan. I have no idea who this guy is (selected 11th last week)
4. Juan Pablo, the soccer pro (selected 5th last week)
5. Brad, the chicken wishbone guy – that's all I know about him (selected 6th last week)
6. Nebbishy Chris, who got down on one knee to tie his shoelace (selected 12th last week)
7. Shiny Forehead Brian, who wears a suit and tie to work every day (selected 10th last week)
8. Zak W., the formerly shirtless one (pre-selected last week)
9. Drew, with the manly jaw, alcoholic father and mentally handicapped sister (pre-selected last week)
10. Mikey, Fat Tom Selleck (selected 13th last week)
11. Zack K, the book publisher in sneakers (selected 2nd last week)
12. Michael, the Type I federal prosecutor (pre-selected last week)
13. Brandon, the adrenaline junkie with the former-junkie mom (selected 1st last week)

If you're keeping score at home, two other B boys went through to next week. That meant good-bye to Sacrificial Will, who got "too far in the friend zone" instead of the end zone, if you know what I'm talking about (selected 3rd last week), Robert, the sign-spinning entrepreneur , who said, "I didn't see it coming" even though we all did (selected 9th last week), and Nick, the horrible poet (pre-selected last week). Neither of the three have names starting with B. Coincidence? Something to watch for, I'd say.

And that's all she wrote. And by "she" I mean "I". I don't often refer to myself in the feminine third person but watch enough of this series and one starts to feel girlish.

Bachelorette Desiree: Not a lot to choose from

What, you thought I'd forsake you? You thought I'd skip one of the cutest Bachelorettes of all time? You thought I'd miss the joy of watching multiple dudes meeting her brother? Absolutely not! I'm back.

First episodes of any season are always a bit of a mess. We don't know who anybody is and future weirdos look normal at this stage and vice versa, so what's the point of writing about them?

This season's bachelors

I will say that this group of guys is the weakest group I've ever seen. There isn't one who looks like a favourite, let alone one that I could see living happily ever after with Des. I saw on their the show's  endless and disruptive Twitter feed that some people think these guys are the hottest hunks ever. Maybe so, but personality-wise, they're duds. So far, anyway.

So I don't have much to write about. Of the 25 contestants, I only sort of liked a few of them: Will, the high-fiving black yoga enthusiast, Drew, with the alcoholic dad and severely mentally handicapped sibling (so they have that in common anyway); Brooks, whose looks won't keep him around until the end but seems like a decent and normal guy; Dan, who I've completely forgotten about; and Ben, who used his son as a prop to stick around.

#soright

Of the others, I couldn't stand Kasey, a social media guru, who hasn't figured out that hashtags are last year's news. Every time he opened his mouth, he uttered another stupid slogan preceded by a verbal hashtag. Hashtags are bad enough on Twitter. They're pointless on Facebook. And uttering them is utterly moronic. #makehimstop

Jonathan, a lawyer, thought it would be funny to invite Des to his own special fantasy suite, but Des let him know in no uncertain terms she's not that kind of girl.

Jonathan has so much to give

Presumably that means a girl with a sense of humour. What did she think he was going to do with a cameraman and producer standing in there with them? Okay, granted he did say his goal was to "kiss her on the mouth." And said that his "love tank has not been depleted for years." How could she refuse such a romantic wordsmith? He pushed it so far even after being rebuffed, leading her to the door of his lair that she gave him the old heave-ho right then and there, his love tank spilling over as he slunk off.

Mikey the plumber doesn't have a moustache and is stockier, but he reminds me of Tom Selleck. Just me?

Zak wore no shirt coming out of the limo, nor throughout the whole night, because he's in love with his own abs, which serve to distract Des from noticing he's got nothing else to offer. Inexplicably she rewards him with a rose for taking off his pants and jumping in the pool. Which may go to prove my point that there's not a lot to choose from this season.

Diogo, who apparently was told it was Halloween, exited the limo wearing a knight costume. If the guy were a cocky blowhard, it would be so much easier to ridicule him. But he was a sweet, shy man who was obviously given some very bad advice.

This one was better than Nick's

Nick M. drew the short straw from the producers and had to quickly scrawl down a horrible rhyming verse to read to her upon introduction. Luckily for him, Des said, "Thank you! I love poetry!" Which loosely translates to, "Please go away now."

I don't like the precedent Sean set by handing out roses willy-nilly instead of waiting for the ceremony. But Chris Harrison gave her that option so the snipped flowers were sitting there on a tray for all to see and fret over. I was hoping Desiree wouldn't exercise her right. What's to gain by handing out the roses early? If the person stays normal all night, they'll get one in due course. But handing one out early could lead to a disastrous results if the person goes on to get his freak on... Oh, wait, not I get why the producers like this option. I'm slow but I eventually clue in.

Brandon, the adrenaline junkie who arrived on a motorbike, gave Desiree a coin his mother gave him when she got sober seven years ago. But not to keep. Des had to promise to return it at the hometown visit, putting his wish cart before the reality horse.

Dr. Larry in 20 years

Oh, I forgot about the creepy doctor, Larry, who was obsessively taking off and putting back on his spectacles. And when he was wearing them, he'd peer over the top of his them like John Houseman in Paper Chase. The guy actually seemed to possess a self-deprecating sense of humour when he was with the others, but once alone with Des he came off as quietly disturbing. If I didn't know he was an ER doctor, I would have guessed gynaecology or podiatry.

One other problem with handing out premature roses is it becomes next to impossible to keep track of who's staying and who's going, since they don't show all of them. I know that Ben, Zak, Bryden, and Drew each got one prior to the ceremony. That's four. And at the ceremony, she handed out 13 more, for a total of 17. We saw three exit interviews, bringing our total to 20. Add fantasy suite Jonathan and we're up to 21. But we started with 25 guys so I don't know everyone who's left and I don't care enough to go Bing it. We'll just catch up next week. Meanwhile, here are the 13 winners:

1. Brandon, the adrenaline junkie
2. Zack K, the book publisher in sneakers
3. Will, the high-fiving black dude
4. Brooks
5. Juan Pablo, the South American former soccer pro
6. Brad, who carries around a chicken wishbone
7. Kasey, #baddecision
8. James, the intense big guy who wants to grow old and fat
9. Robert, the sign spinning entrepreneur
10. Brian, who wore a blue velvet jacket and jeans because he wears a suit and tie every day for work
11. Dan
12. Chris, the Seattleite who got down on one knee and asked Des for permission to tie up his shoelace
13. Mikey, the dimpled plumber

We saw Dr. Larry, Nick the magical suit maker, and Diogo the knight in dull armor leaving the mansion with their proverbial tails between their actual legs.

As for Michael, who searched for a penny in the fountain, Mike R, in the white lab coat, Micah, who designed his own patchwork clothing, and the horrible poet Nick M, I'll have to wait until next week to see which are still around. Or you could always tell me in the comments section! There's an idea.