Week 10: Piling on

I don’t know what I’m more excited about: Tonight’s tell-all from the also-rans or the fact there are only two more weeks left. (One problem: the grand finale comes on a night I’ll be flying home from the birthplace of The Bachelor/ette. Should I just get my wife to blog in my place? Or should I do it the next night? Decisions...)

Reader Heidi made a great point in the comments last week. She wrote,

“There have been some AMAZING episodes this season: The Wrassler's Undoing, Frank's Revelation, Kasey and the Batshit Tattoo... and the reunion show? Should be epic.

I can't imagine that the finale will be nearly as interesting as everything that came before. But I'm still watching.”

So true. When you think about it, there really were some great episodes this season. As for the final, here’s one scenario I never thought of (I’m not that deep a thinker): Chris Harrison said it would be “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history.” When I heard that last week, I couldn’t think what it would be. She either chooses Chris, the likable, albeit slightly boring homebody, or Roberto, the suave and dreamy ex-pro athlete (well, baseball is considered a sport by many). Nothing dramatic there. Then there’s the chance the one she chooses turns her down. I guess that’s never happened before, but judging from the looks on the finalists’ faces, that’s not going to happen. So what then? She chooses neither? That’s possible, but is it all that dramatic? It’s happened on the Bachelor side of the franchise. But what if... what if... Frank comes back begging for forgiveness and she chooses him? That would certainly rank up there and be worthy of Harrison’s “most dramatic ever” description. Anything less than that would be a letdown after the build-up by Harrison.

Here’s the show... Well, I guess we don’t need to watch. We got all we need from the upcoming highlights. I know, I know, I harp on this every week, but it’s really got to stop. There needs to be a paradigm shift in network television.

Ali talks to Chris about the guys: The Wrassler (it’s sad he treats women that way), Batty Kasey (the singing was “so awkward”), Mouldy Kirk (nothing to report here), Crazy Eyes Frank (nor here).

***

Unseen moments: Roberto shoots a champagne cork at Ali’s head, narrowly missing; Frank’s dad gives a toast in double-speak and the whole family is in on it; Ali puts on fake astronaut helmet and is laughing hysterically at the recollection, but why? Loud peacocks interrupt her and Roberto and again, it’s like those out-takes after bad movies where all the actors are in stitches and the audience is like, huh? I can see why these never made it into the show.

We find out Chris N.’s nickname on the show was the Phantom. That would have been good to know since I could never come up with one for him.

***

They introduce the guys and half of them I have zero memory of. Is it me or is it them? Probably a combination of both.

Hey, where’s the Sarnia Sleaze? Not with us tonight? And no Wrassler? But I like that the guys are ganging up on the Weather Man. Here’s an ambiguously gay guy who is totally, one hundred percent on the show to further his career. Absolutely and without question. And what’s with his eyebrows? They look like he was bequeathed them from the estate of Joan Crawford.

I like Big Ears Ty. He sits next to Batty Kasey and absolutely trashes him, but with his good ole southern charm, it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

Harrison says the Wrassler was top of the list for guys not there for the right reason. Why does Crazy Eyes Frank get a free ride here? Why does the Weather Man? Hardly anyone is there for the right reason. I'm definitely watching for all the wrong reasons, too.

***

Frank montage. Frank says, “I’m here to the end.” And yet the Wrassler is the villain! Bah! Did we talk about the time she said, “I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy”? If Frank was the guy all along, where does that leave Chris and Roberto? The winner is second best. It’s hard enough finding love in two months but now she’s got to find it in a matter of days with Chris or Roberto if she really was wanting Frank all along.

Ugly Craig sure is full of himself, isn’t he? He sounds like the lawyer he is. He starts the defense of Frank and most of the guys join in. I’d say they’re letting their personal feelings for the guy (and the Wrassler in reverse) get in the way of their opinion. Frank deserves no breaks just because it was hard on him. You can’t go on national TV and hope for a rebound relationship if you’re not over the girl you dumped just so you could go on national TV in the first place.

***

Kasey at the bat now. Every time I see him sing it just gets better and better. That’s probably the best series of moments in Bachelor/ette history. Again, the Wrassler gets crapped on for being there to promote his career, but this nutbar decides on a catch phrase (“guard and protect your heart”) and auditions by singing at every opportunity, then guarantees more air time by getting a tattoo. If anyone was there for the wrong reasons, it was Batty Kasey. He says he wants to be a good memory in everyone’s heart and Ugly Craig applauds him. Am I so far out of the loop here? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I go along with these guys?

***

The ladies in the crowd seem to like Mouldy Kirk. Yup, it’s official: I’m out of the loop. I just don’t get it. He reminds me of the Professor in Gilligan’s Island. Sure, Russell Johnson wasn’t an ugly man, but he wasn’t a leading man type, either. Did you ever see him with Mary Ann or Ginger? I rest my case. But he’s breaking the hearts of the women in the studio with his tale of woe so I could see him being the next Bachelor. That is, if the network all of a sudden decided ratings don’t mean anything.

***

Now it’s the Wrassler’s turn. He chose not to be there but here comes the piling on. Big Ears Ty asks how can 25 guys be wrong? Yeah, that is puzzling. But when I see them supporting Frank and Bat-Shit Krazy Kasey, I know that they can be wrong. And are.
Ugly Know-It-All Craig says the Wrassler is “evil”. But Harrison corrects him: “No, he’s a bad person.” Oh, is that all? Glad we cleared that up. He says the guy’s intention for going on the show was to gain publicity for himself – unlike the vast majority of guys and gals who all altruistically go on the show to find true love. What a load of hooey. Then Ugly Craig says the Wrassler’s other intention was to hurt an incredible girl. Yeah, I’m sure that’s what his goal was. And the vapid Harrison says, “Yeah.” Part one of the argument is right, but it’s right for almost every contestant in this series. Everyone wants to be famous, therefore they’re all technically there for the wrong reasons. Only a few rare really ugly contestants who have no hope of finding love in the real world, like Ugly Craig, go on the show to find a mate. Part two of the argument is just ridiculous on its face. Picture the Wrassler at home: “I want to get on this series to put Ali – that’s her name, right? – in her place. I cannot stand that girl, whoever she is.”

I’m getting my back up I think just because it’s Ugly Craig who’s the mouthpiece here. I have a bias against people who sound supremely confident. He has way too much confidence for someone of his limited looks. When Big Ears Ty speaks about the negative impressions he has of the Wrassler, I’m okay with it, though. Maybe it’s the charming accent.

Why do they keep going back to Ugly Craig? Let someone else speak. I don’t read outside sources, so when I hear Ugly Craig saying that the Wrassler has been telling people that Harrison and the production staff had a hand in it, it’s the first time. But how can they deny it? How did they get cameras in the girlfriend’s house back in Canada when Ali called them from Iceland? Surely they knew something was up. Now, you may argue that once they knew about the girlfriends, they quickly arranged a camera crew to be there to record the phone conversation. But my question is how long did that take? An hour? A day? A couple days? Isn’t their responsibility to look out for Ali. If they have information on someone cheating and they decide they’re going to tell her, they should tell her immediately before any more of the “game” is played. So I think the show probably did have a hand in it. At least it sure appeared that way.
Ugly Craig chalks it up to “an asshole being an asshole” and Harrison, who wants to deflect all foreknowledge on his part as quickly as possible, says, “I don’t think we can sum it up any better than that.”

***

There’s a special guest tonight. It’s Jesse, from Jake’s season. Remember her? No, neither did I. She didn’t get much airtime when she was a contestant so this must be gratifying for her. But I’m sure she’s there for the right reasons. She also bears a passing resemblance to Mary Ann. You hear that Mouldy Kirk? Now's your chance!

It’s all very pat. Apparently there were text messages from the Wrassler to his (ex-)girlfriend saying, “Don’t worry, I’m just doing this for my career.” Could they spell it out any clearer, people?! Don’t you get it yet? Hey, Ali leaves Jake for her career and everyone applauds her. Double standard?!

They open the floor up to hear what the people think about the Wrassler: He’s a liar and a coward. That’s about it. Glad we cleared that up.

***

Ali comes out to a standing O from the fellas and talks about... nothing really. Mouldy Kirk takes the high road and says... nothing really. Then Batty Kasey gets up and... serenades Ali. Yup, he’s not there to promote himself, is he? Just trying to find love. If I ever see him sing on another show, I will boycott that show forever. You cannot reward behaviour like that, you just can’t.

Blooper reel. Oh, they had fun. Us? Not so much. Next.

***

Oh good, a new Bachelor show, Bachelor Pad. A house full of cast-offs sleeping together in one room. A shallow, decadent meat market, if you will. Even our old pal Wes has kissed and made up with the producers, who he did nothing but bad-mouth after his ignominious exit on Jillian’s season. And there’s Sarnia Sleaze. What’s not to love about this series? I have no idea what it’s about other than there’s a winner who gets $250,000 (and probably an STD). Don’t expect this blogger to follow it, but I’m pretty sure I’ll watch. Chris Harrison says it’s “spectacular” so it must be.

I’m out of words. Good night.