A play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.
I'll make this quick. And why not? The season has been rocketing through and tonight's Women Tell All episode was squeezed into one hour, which, as many people know, works out to something like 44 minutes after commercials. Then subtract all the filler and you're down to about half an hour. All the drama and pathos is squeezed into soundbites.
I'm Tyler Harcott
Still, though, it wasn't bad, all things considered. Once again, it looked just like a Women Tell All version down south. Same format. It even looked like the same studio.
While we didn't learn a lot, one thing I took home from tonight was the host's name: Tyler Harcott. I know this now because after a season of going practically anonymous, Tyler Harcott announced to us that his name was Tyler Harcott five times in the hour. That's Tyler Harcott, in case you missed it.
I didn't think much of Tyler Harcott early in the series, but I thought he was absolutely fine tonight. How does he compare to Chris Harrison? Not sure. It's hard to see someone new in the role, but Tyler Harcott was like I said: fine. If this northern version of the show has legs, I think he'll grow with the job and on us.
I'm Tyler Harcott
But we're not here to talk about Tyler Harcott. We're here to talk about the women. One thing I couldn't wrap my head around was the timing. We know this episode was filmed before last week's episode aired because we saw highlights of the night immediately following the fantasy dates show, when Kara was sent home. But Kara was sitting in the rows of jilted ladies. And at one point she said it was "tough seeing the last episode." I'm so confused! This is why I could never totally enjoy Back To The Future.
It was funny to hear just how many of the women weren't feeling Brad. Melissa-Marie, the supposed Playboy model (I haven't seen any evidence she's ever posed for them despite endless searching... all for the cause, of course), said she thought they'd have a different Bachelor. Not sure who, but anyone else, I guess is what she was getting at. Then Tia said she didn't feel a connection with Brad, either. And when Kara came out for her turn on the lukewarm seat, looking lost and sad at the video montage of their bromance, she said she loved him as a friend and loved hanging out with him but was not in love with him. When Brad eventually dumped her, she said, "I knew it was right and he knew it was right." Of course, the producers never let us in on that.
Speaking of the producers, it was nice to hear mention of their dastardly reputation. Normally they're an invisible force. But in this episode we heard on a few different occasions how most of the girls figured Gabrielle was paid by the production to stir things up. They thought she was a plant. They didn't make it clear that she wasn't, but it should tell the powers-that-be what people think of the show. If they were in government, they'd be voted down on a non-confidence motion.
When Gabby was up, they showed a video tribute to her trashing ways. She had a negative opinion of just about everyone, even Britany, saying there's "something not quite right about Britany." But face to face, Gabby apologized, saying she loves her. And Britany accepted! She ran up to her to hug! I'm thinking maybe Gabrielle was right – there's something not quite right about that.
I'm Tyler Harcott
The low point was when Tyler Harcott, the host of the show, got the women, by a show of hands, to reveal who has fake boobs. And they did. Of course. Whitney wasn't out there at that point, or both her hands would have been raised. But the others, as far as I could tell, were Ana, Melissa-Marie, Laura F. and, shocker, Laura B. Chantelle has still resisted the urge.
Chantelle was still as sweet and bubbly as virgin champagne. Didn't really learn anything new in her segment except that Tyler Harcott, the host, thinks "we're all richer for having [her] in our lives." Oh, and Brad made a good point: he said she might have received a rose had she not left the show that week, but the following week could have been tough since she hadn't kissed a man in four years. If he kissed her, and then didn't ultimately choose her, it would have been disrespectful to her.
Calgary's Whitney entered to boos, just like the villains in Stampede all-star wrestling. Was it just me or did she look different this episode. It seemed her lower jaw jutted out. Either I never noticed before, or that's her fighting look.
You know that old adage, "Good things come to those who wait"? Well, Whitney said she doesn't believe that. She goes and gets what she wants. Gabrielle said she hoped it was all worth it, since she's here in the end. Whitney replied that everyone approaches her and asks why she didn't knock the yappy Gabby's block off.
Ana didn't applaud when Whitney entered and told her what's what. That got Whit quivering and weepy, saying, "Maybe I was closed off and maybe I said things I shouldn't have said." Yeah, maybe. But maybe not. Never admit anything on national TV, Whitney.
Oh, and did anyone else think the shoes were atrocious? I know I'm no fashion maven, and this is probably the style, but they're too much.
Highlights of the final week made it look like Whitney was going to be the one. We saw Bianka walking and Brad crying unconsolably. We also saw Brad's sister taking matters into her own hands with both finalists. Could be a good/bad one, although I don't really like either one. But I gotta go with Team Bianka.
That's just about all we got. Short and sweet. It's kind of nice not having the whole evening be wasted watching the show, but I also figure, if you're gonna do it, do it right. Let us get invested in the characters and their shenanigans. Let them have time to develop real fake relationships.
I'm not Tyler Harcott
But it kind of reminds me of the old joke that Woody Allen quotes in Annie Hall. There are two elderley women at a Catskill Mountain resort. One of them says, "Boy the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know. And such small portions."
The show is terrible at its core, but we want more of it!