Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Bachelor Canada: Finale 1

Good lord, it's Tuesday already. Here's my challenge. It's 7:08 pm. Show starts at 8, I do believe. Can I whip this recap of last week off before the show starts? We'll see. I've always got PVR. Here we go.

This was week one of the dramatic two-part season finale. But keep in mind each episode is only an hour, so it's like a regular finale in America.

Tim and his two lady friends were in Tahiti. He said he knows "without doubt" the woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with is on this island. That would be so cool if he eventually married a Tahitian woman who was there at the time.

He also said he had "incredible fantasy dates planned." I was wondering if the adjective described the fantasy or the date.

First date went to Trish. He showed up leading two horses to her. He knew what he was doing, too. Turns out he grew up horseback riding. Trish's horse was a little wild. Presumably to get her ready for the fantasy suite.

Tim was impressed with Trish's chutzpah. He said "any other girl would spend one minute on the horse and be done." Really? What kind of duds has he been dating?

Trish appreciated Tim's many sides. He's "serious, funny and manly." Trish, on the other hand, is "bubbly, fun and confident."

Sitting in a path in a field, Trish had the guts to tell him that her heart says she loves him, but her head says that's crazy. Now's not the time for rational thinking, Trish!

Tim says he "can see it fitting well." I'm not sure if he was referring to the fantasy suite or what. Ditto when he said it was "nice to see that smile come across her face." I also noted how his romantic look is a bit creepy. No, scratch that: a lot creepy. Then again, I just made two creepy double entendres, so look who's talking.

Oh, did I mention this episode was sponsored by Sunquest Travel? You didn't think there was a budget in Canadian TV, did you? They nickel and dime it all the way, squeezing in sponsors whenever they can.

At dinner, things were quiet. But maybe in a good way. She said she felt like the most special girl in the world. And that makes her so happy. It seemed like there was a pregnant "but" waiting to happen, but they went right to the cheers. Fantastic editing, guys!

They got an envelope. I was wondering if it would be signed from Tyler. But since the host is never around, the note wasn't signed. It would have been cool if it was signed "Chris Harrison."

We all know what the note said. And there was no hesitation on Trish's part to spend the night with him.

I guess they do. We didn't see much of it, just them wandering over to the suite. Then, 15 minutes into the show, we're at the "epic date" he's planned for April. They're going swimming off a yacht. I know he just wanted to see her in her bathing suit.

April's mind was racing. She wasn't sure she felt completely ready to be proposed to, but hopes the date throws any doubt out the window.

As things turned out, we're not sure, either. We'll find out tonight (in 29 minutes! Gah!). But one thing it did was cure her of her fear of heights. She managed to finally throw herself in the water from the top of the yacht.

At dinner she said, "What are we cheersing to?" A simple yet endearing question. Cheersing. I like it. Tim made a toast "to trust and leaps of faith."

More insecurity from young, sweet April. She said she's more into Tim than at any point but doesn't know if he feels the same. Oh sure, put it back on him.

Tim asks her point blank if she's ready for a possible proposal. And this is not the answer you want to hear when you're considering asking someone to marry them: "I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure that out." It all felt so quick to her (mainly because it was) and was questioning if it was real (it's not).

Tim told her to quit thinking so much, in so many words. He said no one can know all the facts. "At a certain point, you just have to jump."

He gave her the card. Her response: "Oy yoi yoi." She deflects back to him. They then both agree that they need to spend more time with each other. Yeah, that's the ticket. This time, we see them enter the bedroom, unlike with Trish.

Trish then met Tim's parents. She said she wanted to feel them out first before she went "in there with jazz hands." But she was extremely comfortable, greeting them with a hug. She and Tim's dad got along like a house on fire. But the mom was quiet. Finally, the mom takes her aside and whips out a list of questions. She told her "basically it's an interview for a lifetime job."

Trish told the mom she always wanted a little girl. And a boy. They got along well and the mom was happy. So was Trish. So happy she wanted to dance in her chair. And she knew she did well. She felt the positive reinforcement. "I nailed it!" she said.

Next was April's turn to meet the parents. She was feeling overwhelmed. "He needs things faster from me than I can give him," she said. She didn't feel prepared to answer their questions. She steps in their room and greets them with a handshake. She needs to go to First Impressions School.

And she was right about answering their questions. She wasn't prepared at all. She struggled to give any kind of answer. She said so many things were going through her mind, she couldn't even focus. She was not making the impression she wanted to make. Tim's dad told her she should feel relaxed with them. And then his mom took her outside.

Mom asked her what she liked most about Tim. She said she liked that he was patient and understanding. Hint, hint! Take note, parents. She needs time. She felt like she was being grilled. She also felt like she was rambling. She was right on both counts.

Outside, there was no big kiss like there was with Trish. Instead, Tim said, "See you soon, okay?" April replied, "Okay, bye," then turned and walked away.

In the debriefing session with his parents, the dad said Trish was more gregarious and comfortable in her skin. The mom added that Trish was more at ease with herself. As for April, his mom liked that she was "totally honest and upfront." To their credit, when Tim pushed for an opinion on who was a better fit, they didn't pick a favourite, saying it was up to him.

We then saw April at the beach. She talked about feeling pressure and knew that his parents saw her at her worst. "And that makes me want to pull away." That quote was used three times in the episode. I don't believe for a second she said it three times, as they wanted us to think; rather, they just ran the same clip three times.

Tim got a message saying April wasn't doing okay and needed to talk with him. That's not something you want to hear any time, but least of all on The Bachelor! So he rushed to her. She said she couldn't articulate what she was thinking. "I'm so tired of analyzing everything." Tim asked what that meant for them as a couple. She put her face in her hands and whispered, "I want to go home." Later, she said clearly and lucidly, "I could be giving up on love. I want to go home."

So is there any chance she stays? I suppose there are two chances: slim and none. But I guess we'll find out soon. As in nine minutes! I hope this suffices. I'll do better on the next one. (No promises, though!)

Okay, bye.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Bachelor Canada: The Women Tell as Much as the Editors Will Let Them

I just couldn't do it. Despite my good intentions of getting this one in on time, I find myself here on game day scrambling to finish last week's recap. And start it, for that matter.

That was, without doubt, the worst ever Women Tell All episode in the history of the franchise. Not just the Canadian version, either. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it was the worst ever hour of television, period. Not because of the women, either. It just looked as if they farmed the editing, writing and lighting out to a community college first year television production course. It truly was embarrassing. I doubt there were two sentences in a row that actually were spoken together. Then there were the cringeworthy words like, "A look back at the journey, the emotional highs and the excrutiating lows." Of all the excrutiating lows, this was the excrutiatingest. And didn't you just love the shots of the silhouettes in the audience?

Anyway, let's get to the programming, such as it was. We were greeted with a tall guy who presumably is the host of the show. I mean, he looked vaguely familiar. I think I remember him from episode 1. He's just here to bookend the season, it looks like.

Tyler (the host) got right to business focussing on what we all wanted to hear about: Sonia. Remember her? The 42-year-old who lasted a couple of episodes? Coming back to you? The show was crammed into one hour. Clearly they edited out tons. Why not just edit out this whole segment and concentrate on people who lasted a little longer and provided some drama?

Then they flipped over to the youngest pup, Rileigh, 23. Tyler mentioned that she seemed jealous. Honestly, that's something I never picked up. I mean, certainly no more than many of the others. But with each episode being only one hour, there was so much they didn't show us. The one saving grace of this episode was that we got to see footage that didn't make it to air the first time through. But nothing, other than Tyler's words, that showed Rileigh to be particularly jealous. But she admitted it, in a delightfully Canadian-sounding way (even though I've never heard anyone else say it that way here): "Oh, that's fair to say. Yeah, I was right jealous. Yeah, I was pissed." Right jealous. Got that?

Kaylynn revealed that her emotions took her by surprise because in real life, "I'm not like that. Like, I don't cry." Uh-huh. Rileigh, the delight, snarled her lip and made a growling sound, saying, "I don't know how to put that into words but that's how I felt about it." Kaylynn laughed and said, "That's her own opinion." And, it should be added, everyone else's.

Tyler read some more of that award-winning writing when introducing Kaylynn, with, "...bringing her dreams to a heart-wrenching end." Kaylynn said the whole thing was "quite embarrassing." But she cautioned us to not "judge someone when you don't really know them." Fair enough. Point taken.

She and Martha talked about their run-in when Kaylynn called her a bully. But they also revealed they "hugged it out." Of course, we never got to see that part.

Then we got a montage on April Burlesque. For no reason at all! Why? The show was too short for her Jennifer Tilly shtick. But I guess they needed some comic relief. We saw a clip of her that didn't make it in originally. She said, "I do want a family. If I don't have my own children, I'll just do as I did with my boobs – buy 'em!"

Then we got the Natalie montage. Sitting with Tyler, she said she returned just to "stir the pot a bit, cause a little bit of drama. I knew for sure Tim was not into me but I came back to stir the pot." This was met with gasps and laughter. All the women were against her. At least, that was the impression from the wonky editing. She said she was "always 100 percent myself, but I wanted to be my best self. So I didn't want to swear, I didn't want to do anything that could jeopardize my profession." Good for her. Lisa thought (maybe correctly) that it wasn't really her, then. But we all don't go around swearing and bashing people in all situations. All the women thought Natalie was selfish for returning and infringing on the others' very real relationships with Tim. No, they really said that!

Next was the Lisa montage. Again, we got to see some footage we hadn't seen before. Of note was when she said of Seashell, "She just doesn't have a lot going on in her brain." When asked to respond, Seashell said, "Actually, I probably don't have anything to say because I have nothing up here, right?" Boom! Oh, yes she did!

Seashell called Lisa out on her two-facedness, noting that Lisa says she hates fake people yet showed hate for Natalie when she wasn't around but was the first to hug her and say nice things to her face. Natalie, too, wanted to know why she said everything behind her back and not to her face. Lisa made a face and said, "Oof, that would have been really awful saying that to your face!"

Then she pled drunk. "You know, I don't want to blame that one on the liquor, but I'm going to go ahead and blame that one on the liquor." She may or may not have been drunk right then. Seashell was having none of it, noting that they all were drinking but no one else treated anyone else that way. Lisa then pled human: "I'm human. Yeah, I can be nasty. Yeah, I can say some really mean things. And you know what? Seeing it is the best way to change it so I'm sorry--" And then there was a quick fade in the middle of her sentence to give the appearance she was finished. Did I mention the brutal and comical editing?

As for her kissing experience in a bar in Italy, it was the liquor again. She didn't know exactly what happened. But when Tyler asked if she regretted it, there were no pithy answers. She replied straight up: "Yes, I do regret it." Tyler asked everyone if that sufficed. They all shook their heads no. Then Tylyer said, "Lisa, thank you so much for being here." Um, what? Hang on! This calls for more discussion. And we went to commercial. They could have scrapped the segments on Sonia, Rileigh and April Burlesque.

Next was Seashell's turn. Nothing to see here. Move along. She's okay and she's happy. Tim joined her and told her she's going to make someone happy. The edited in the audience clapping and an ecstatic-looking Seashell.

While Tim was out there, Lisa apologized for "disrespecting him" in Italy and said she was sorry. Tim said he didn't say goodbye to her "because she kissed someone; I said goodbye because those events led me to not being able to trust her." What events? That kissing event? So the kissing was fine? I don't get it. If she had told him she was going to go out and make out with a waiter, he would have been okay with that?

He had interactions with Dom and Kaylynn but nothing to speak of. I did notice they edited in more applause for Kaylynn.

The blooper reel was meh. We saw Kaylynn crying on the auto-flush toilet, heard Tim say "enormous" a bunch of times, smelled Trish farting, and witnessed Seashell's independent eyeballs.

Then we were told about the "epic two-part finale." What's that now??? Two parts? Will it be the "fun-loving Trish or the mysterious April?" Judging from the upcoming highlights, it might be Trish because it seemed as if April was having a meltdown and wanted to go home. But we'll see.

I'll be back here... soon? Soonish? When I get around to it? Yeah, that's more like it.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Bachelor Canada: Get your ya-yas out

I just thought of the biggest downside to me posting these recaps six days post facto: It might give some the impression that I've been crafting this all week. Not so at all. It's still the same poorly constructed, typo-filled mess. I watched the episode last night, scribbled some notes, and now I'll pump this out before I have to go out before noon. So let's not waste any more time.

It was hometown visits week. Tim called last week "one of the most intense weeks of my life." He's either lived a very charmed life or lots gets lost in the editing.

The first visit was to Edmonton, where Trish was waiting for Tim in an Oilers jersey outside a hockey arena. She had a Leafs jersey to give to him when he arrived. Trish thought maybe they could play a little one-on-one with the winner getting a kiss. I love how she thinks of kisses as something one performs on another, rather than a mutually beneficial experience.

Turns out Tim is quite the skater. He looks pro level to me. Then again, I can't skate. But anytime I see someone skating backwards, I just assume they're professional. He even went further with it by kissing her while skating backwards.

Trish admitted to us that's she's in love with him. She's just nervous to tell him, but just "a hairline away" from telling him. She hemmed and hawed at the arena: "Since I've been on this... I don't even know what to call it. I guess like a journey." Wow, did she just coin that analogy? A journey? Let me jot that one down. (Obviously she's never seen the show before. Or read the handbook of acceptable Bachelor words and phrases.)

Trish's family's approval is important to her so she hopes he likes oddballs. She introduced Tim to her parents, grandparents, and some others I forgot to note. See how I used "wow" in the previous paragraph? That was to get you warmed up to the word. The producers put together a nice little wow-montage. It seemed to be her family's favourite word. Tim said, "They might be quirky or whatnot" but they make him feel like one of the family. Wow.

Trish talked to her mom in the kitchen, who was a good foot shorter than Trish. Does that count as one of the quirks? Don't think so. Just an observation.

Outside the house, Trish waggled her tongue in thought then managed to say, "I am falling for you." Usually in these situations, the Bachelor stays mum and smiles and kisses the person who just opened their heart for him. In this case, Time replied, "I fell for you a long time ago." Telling? Then they grab each other's heads and engage in tongue-to-tongue combat. No one peeked out the window.

Next was Seashell's turn. We saw her standing outside an airport in Toronto. The fog precluded her from going to her hometown of Sudbury. Or maybe it was just the smog from Sudbury. She broke the news to Tim, saying they might be able to make it for dinner. "The whole date is ruined now," she moped. Not quite. Tim promised to show her Tim's Toronto.

So off they went. He told her all about the city on their drive in. As a westerner who's never been there, I always assumed every place in Ontario was basically Toronto. And if you're not actually from the place, you'd certainly been many times.

They went for coffee and sat watching children toddle by. Seashell said she wanted a boy first. If she doesn't get her wish, I'm sure her firstborn daughter will appreciate watching this footage of her mom. Tim told her he wanted two kids at least. She thinks he's "full husband material."

After one coffee, they had a flight to catch. Couldn't they have had their coffee at the airport? I'm sure more happened to fill the time. Could it have been more boring than watching them drink coffee? Why didn't we see it?

They arrive in Sudbury. Thank God the show wasn't filmed in Smell-o-vision! (Actually, I hear the sulphur dioxide emissions in this mining town have reduced considerably over the years, but I still like to think of it as smelly.)

She brings Tim home to meet her family, including her intense brother, who informs Tim that he watched an interview with him "about ten times." Oh, and he typically doesn't like the guys Seashell dates. He tells Tim that Seashell is "the grounded one" in the family, and "the angel." Tim can feel the bro staring at him.

Her dad rescues Tim but not for long. Bro shows up to play "bad cop" to dad's "good cop." Then there was a weird edit. He talked about her past boyfriends saying he's "been tempted to maybe drop one into a couple of them." Meaning hit them. But then they edited him to maybe suggest he was talking about dropping one (?) into Tim. (Is that a Sudbury phrase, by the way?) The guy looked like he was in the witness protection program with a wig and fake beard. He talked about "sizing him up" and realizing he could take him and "holding a punch back" but wanting to hear what the guy had to say first. I'm pretty certain he was talking about his past experience with one of Seashell's suitors, but it wasn't presented as such.

He told Tim that an engagement means marriage and to let Seashell go if he's not 100% sure instead of dragging her through heartbreak. Ending with this pseudo-threat: "Don't hurt my sis, you know? That's my girl." Then he told the cameras, with a smile indicating to me he was fooling around or giving the producers what they asked for, "I do feel like he really likes her so I decided not to hit him."

Outside, Tim gave Seashell a hug. A hug! That was telling. I think he was afraid to kiss her in case the brother was looking on. But that hug eventually turned into a kiss. A little subdued kiss, but still a kiss. He described her as "that forever kind of girl."

Next up was April's hometown, a place I'd never heard of: Wasaga Beach, Ontario. And the beach looked beautiful. And empty. Google tells me it's the longest beach in the world. I guess the name Longbeach was already taken.

April said she could see herself marrying Tim but she's struggling with opening up to him. Tim said April's "still kind of a mystery." He needs to know if she trusts him.

They sit down at the beach and she gives Tim a history lesson to show him where the wall around her stems from. She tells him her parents were "partiers" and that her father died of partying, i.e. drug overdose, when she was 8. She has no relationship with her mother. She was raised by her grandparents.

Tim said he understands her now and that wall is "not so daunting." He feels closer than ever before.

They go to a restaurant her grandparents used to own where Tim meets the whole family. Which brings me to a personal pet peeve. Indulge me. I know I may be completely wrong. She said Tim was going to meet "my Ya-ya and my Opa." I get calling one's grandparents weird names. I'm too embarrassed to even mention what we called our grandparents. The point is, though, that it's correct to say, "This is my grandmother" but not "This is my Ya-ya." She calls her "Yaya" so it's like a name. Just like you would say, "This is my brother" but not "This is my Dean."

There. Glad I could finally get that off my chest.

The grandmother spoke with an indeterminate accent. I'm guessing Greek. The grandfather didn't speak. As we saw in upcoming highlights last week, the grandmother was a tough nut. The 89-year-old told Tim over the dinner table, "You are very muscular. You like to do gym and outdoors. I can see through you."

Dum-dum-DUM! Tim mopped the sweat from his brow and we went to commercial.

My first thought was it was a language issue. Or maybe confusion. But they really wanted us to believe she was going to give Tim a piece of her mind. Not the case at all, as we saw immediately when we got back from the break. She continued, "I'm very impressed. You are a very wonderful young man and you have lots of qualities inside you. You have quality things in your heart." What a hard-ass!

She told the cameras, "Somehow I think I know him for a long time. I have a connection with his heart and my heart."

Then she flirted with him, asking if his mother ever said, "Ich liebe dich" to him. Is Tim German? I guess so. And I guess Opa is, too, because Ya-Ya said he told her what it meant. I knew what it meant, but Tim didn't. It means I love you. April, standing next to them, said playfully, "You love him before I said it!"

Seeing her family warm up to Tim made her feel more connected to him, too. And it showed outside. She told him she's falling for him. And she really took control in the kissing department. Tim told us his heart is melting and added, "In that moment, I'm falling for her so hard." Ah, those three little words. No, not "falling for her." What was up with "in that moment"? Is that telling, too?

Finally, Calgary, where Lisa awaited with too much make-up and bad girl leather pants on. Maybe she figured it worked for Olivia Newton-John in Grease, so it might work for her.

Tim said he was having "serious reservations" about her and was losing sleep over it. They took a walk in the park and he sat her down and said, "Will you tell me what happened last week?" I replayed her reply several times but couldn't figure out what she said. It sounded like she repeated the question to him. But maybe she said she did tell him already.

He told her he could totally see himself falling for her. "We could travel, I could maybe convince you to move to Toronto." Lisa looked at hopeful but as soon as she said, "And?" I think she realized what was coming. Or maybe she heard the sad music they were playing in the background.

He continued: "I could totally see myself doing that with you. I just don't know if I'd feel right taking it any farther. I don't think I could meet your parents in good faith."

So to recap: Tim chose Lisa last week over Kaylynn, got her to get her family together in anticipation of meeting him, then ended it almost as soon as he saw her. Nice.

Lisa wasn't totally shocked. She's cool as a cuke. She said, "I don't know what to say," with a trace of a smile. Some might call it a smirk. Tim said sorry and she chuckled. As he walked away in the park, she turned to the camera and said with faux something (I can't quite put my finger on it), "I knew it!"

In the limo, she said he "listened too much to the other girls, who are my competitors at this point." She said they were just waiting for something to come at her with. It's a good thing Lisa gave them that very thing. It's a good thing she kissed that waiter.

Tim said he didn't trust her. Her exit interview was short and to the point: "I'm done." With her trademark smile/smirk.

In Vancouver for the rose ceremony, would all three move on since Lisa was gone? One would assume. But Tim said there were two women he could see himself spending the rest of his life with. Two! I had no clue which two it would be at first, but I nailed it before he started handing out roses.

April showed up with a wowza dress cut down to here showing off her ya-yas. Trish showed up wearing Elton John's shoes. Seashell showed up.

Not only didn't she stand out, I also figured her brother scared Tim off. And when we heard her say she'd be "devastated" if she wasn't picked, that sealed it.

The three noticed the two roses. Then they noticed Lisa wasn't there. Tim told them there were only two roses because he "learned a lot in hometowns." He said there were some connections that are stronger than others and said he didn't want to lead anyone on (i.e. didn't want to get whacked by someone's brother). In truth, it was probably because the show's budget didn't allow for an extra rose. And the network wanted this off the air as soon as possible.

The roses went in order to:
  1. April
  2. Trish
And, as predicted, Seashell would be going back to Sudbury. She put on a brave face in the lineup. Tim told her he meant everything he said, calling her "so caring" and "so beautiful." She melted in his chest and cried. I hope she got snot on his tie.

She said, "I did not expect that." She was beginning to imagine her life with him. "Now I'm back at square one. That's the hardest part." If only there were such a thing as Bachelorette Canada, I'd be rooting for her to be the star.

Next week Tim, Trish and April are off to Tahiti. No, scratch that. Next week is the Women Tell All episode. Finally the host returns to earn his money. Scratch that again: next week is tomorrow!

Don't expect this to be late every week. I mean, it very well may be. But I may surprise you all and get this up the next day. Don't hold your breath, but it's a possibility.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Bachelor Canada: A real she-said/she-said

I think I've stumbled upon a new tradition: Posting recaps six days after an episode airs. Look, if I post immediately that night or the following morning, it's too fresh in your minds. You know what happened. If I wait until the night before the next episode airs, it's like a little refresher that'll get you ready for the following night's entertainment... That's what I'm telling myself anyway as I find myself super late again. But I think there's merit to it.

Oh, and thanks for the comments last week. Glad to know I'm not alone here.

Tim, Seashell, Lisa the Red, Trish, Kaylynn, and April were in Tuscany this week. Pretty exotic locale. I was wondering how the low budget Canadian offshoot could afford such extravagance until I saw the Buitoni brand splashed about in every segment. They were staying at "the amazing Casa Buitoni where master chefs come to create food," they made Buitoni pizza wearing Buitoni aprons and Buitoni chef hats under awnings announcing Buitoni and we saw ads for Buitoni frozen pizza in between segments. Oh Canada! Oh brother.

Seashell starts out telling us she's falling in love with Tim. Which led to the date card that went, predictably, to Not Seashell. She was upset with a sunken heart when she found out Trish would get the sparkly date. Trish was like, "Are you--? What? No. Huh? Me? Yeah!"

But Seashell didn't have bad words for Trish. She saved those for Lisa. And for some strange reason, after weeks of the Canadian censors letting the word "shit" fly out of their mouths, this week the word was bleeped. Seashell said, "Lisa's not one of the genuine catches for Tim. She's two-faced, she's not taking this seriously, and she has talked [bleep] about every single one of the women."

Out on the patio, naive April asked, "Does anyone question anyone else's connection with Tim at this point?" It wasn't a pointed question, either. She's that sweet and innocent.

But Seashell raised her hand like she was in school, not amongst four friends. She offered that some people are not here for the right reasons. Hey, someone has to say it every season so it might as well be her. Lisa knew who she was referring to.

"I really don't care what they think," Lisa the Red said. "These girls mean nothing to me."

On the date, Trish commented positively on the graffiti. Yes, they were in Italy walking through gorgeous streets and she liked the graffiti.

While the Canadian censors were busy bleeping the word "shit," they missed out on pixilating Tim's nether regions. He was wearing the tightest pants imaginable. We know now which way he dresses (to the right). Those with a hi-def TV might even know if he's circumsized. Good lord!

They sit at a corner table on a piazza. Tim said it was the "perfect place to fall in love." I thought that was perhaps telling. I could see Trish saying that but for Tim to have said it means something more, I'd imagine.

He likes how silly he can be with Trish, a side of him not a lot of people bring out. They kiss and laugh and have a good time. But the whole thing seemed backwards. I mean, first Tim telling us, instead of Trish, that it's the perfect place to fall in love, and then Trish told Tim, instead of the other way around, that she felt he's "holding back a little." What's happening here? Who holds the cards?

Tim explained that he's concerned of "letting go and then being rejected." It's a topsy-turvy world! Trish was surprised (pleasantly) at his lack of confidence.

He then gave Trish a little present because she makes him feel special. It was a box from Michael Hill jewelry (free advertising for product because it makes the company feel special). That's right, Tim gave Trish a diamond necklace and diamond earrings. She's not even in the final two! But I guess the sponsor wanted its name out there sooner rather than later.

Trish imagined in her "imaginary mind" a perfect date would include diamonds ("totally"), Italy ("boom"), champagne ("totes"), and a hot guy (Tim "nailed it"). I think she's being hard on herself. I believe she really has a mind. Not a particularly sharp one, apparently, but a real one.

She whispers, "Best date ever" and they slow dance to an accordion player in a plaza. Trish said, "We fit perfectly." Well, I suppose she'll find out for sure in the fantasy suite. But that's for another episode.

The next date card was for Kaylynn, April and Lisa. You can imagine in your imaginary minds how thrilled Kaylynn was. "Gargh! That sucks!" she enthused.

Seashell added that Lisa's "a nasty [bleep]". What is happening with the censors this week? Since when is "bitch" bleeped out anywhere, let alone on Canadian airwaves?

Lisa called the others, "catty" and "unsure of themselves." Then the Calgary hairstylist said, "They're the epitome of why I don't like females. Simple." I'm sure her clientele will appreciate that.

Before the group date could happen, Seashell informed us that "something happened" the previous night. "The girls and I went out to a bar and..." Hang on. Wait a minute. Is this usual? They went out to a bar? How much down time do they have? I guess the producers said go for it since the show only gets an hour of airtime a week. There's no time to shoot fun stuff around the residence because it wouldn't get shown anyway. So off they went to a local watering hole. I'll let Seashell continue: "... and Lisa did something that was completely unacceptable." Sounded like a set-up to me.

The next night there was silence amongst the womenfolk as they sipped on wine. Kaylynn said, "Nobody knows what to ask or how to address the situation." What happened to her go-to move of crying and running to the bathroom? That's one way.

Trish gave us the dirt: "Lisa made out with a guy at a pub." Now we're cooking with gasoline! The show just got good.

Kaylynn was upset. With her usual tears, she said, "I feel disrespected but I'm more angry than anything." Um, what? I was like, are you--? What? No. Huh? Her? I suppose.

Lisa was an open book. She told the gals that, "You can talk about it if you want. Go for it." Then Seashell said how most of them wanted to tell Tim but wouldn't, to which Lisa chuckled, which riled Seashell. "Don't laugh because I actually wasn't going to tell him." Lisa said, "Even if you were, I want to get to it first." Seashell was curious to see if Lisa would own up to it, adding, "If she doesn't tell him, one of us will."

But first the group date with Lisa, Kaylynn and April (Seashell declared that April was the "only normal one on that date"). It was a painting challenge. The three women would paint a betowelled Tim, then he would declare a winner. And that winner would get to spend the rest of the date with Tim while the others would go home. All three paintings were horrendous. Not an ounce of talent among the three of the women. Kaylynn felt, as she always does, that if she doesn't get alone time this time, she could seriously go home. "And that's scary."

But Tim selected Lisa's offering. Which was good, right, since she had to make her confession. Seems the others forgot about that.

The two went to a rooftop table which led to this classic exchange:
Lisa: I fidget when I'm nervous.
Tim: Why are you nervous?
Lisa: I'm not even that nervous. I just like to fidget.
But Lisa was "sick about it." At the same time, it "secured the way [she] feels for Tim." So she tells him, "As wild as I am and as much of a free spirit as I am, at the end of the day, it's important to me that I have that one person that I love to death and care about and can build a world with." But just at the end of the day. At the end of the night she likes to fool around with waiters.

We saw a side of Lisa we hadn't seen before. And not just when she was confessing to Tim. It was there when she was doing her private talks to the camera, too. "I didn't come into this thinking I'd find love because what are the chances?" Good take. "But it turned very quickly – quicker than I thought it would." She said, "I really care about this guy. I think he needs to know what happened. I can't go on unless he knows." And she actually cried. She's human!

So they're walking along after their dinner and she gets him to sit himself down on a nearby bench so she can break the news to him. According to her, she exchanged the Euro-two-cheek kiss with the server who then grabbed her and kissed her. "I'm really sorry," she told him. "I'm totally crazy about you. I needed to get that out."

If that was the extent of it, I don't see the need for tears or grand apologies. The server grabbed her and kissed her. Doesn't sound consensual. So Tim was empathetic. "It's just a shock," he said. And he hugged her for support. We didn't hear but thankfully closed captioning provided in part by Buitoni Pizza let us know she said, "I'm sorry" in their embrace.

Doesn't quite add up, but I wasn't there.

Then Tim said the next day that as much as he wanted to talk about it with Lisa, he had a date with Seashell to get ready for. What about last night? Why didn't he talk about it then?

His date was the pizza-making one I alluded to above. Did I mention it was Buitoni pizza? I think I did. Seashell wasn't fully in the moment. It looked like the Lisa sitchy-ation was weighing heavily on her. She said, "I think he thinks he knows everything, but I know that he doesn't know everything."

She told him that things were getting weird and the women, or some of them, are no longer amicable. She gave dire, vague warnings about someone he doesn't completely know. And she said this with a straight face: "I didn't want to bring it up today." Are you kidding?! That's all she wanted to do.

Tim looked annoyed, saying, "Who are you talking about?" Seashell remained coy, saying, "Well, Tim, you know who I'm talking about."

According to Seashell, Lisa grabbed "some guy" and made out with him while Seashell pulled her away. Then Seashell turned around for two seconds and there was Lisa making out with him again. Tim, after hearing Lisa's side the night before, looked skeptical, not alarmed. He said he doesn't like gossip or rumours but at the same time, he didn't want to avoid the truth. "I've never felt so conflicted about someone," he said. "This is really tough." But I didn't know if he was talking about Lisa or Seashell, the one spreading the gossip. It was a real she-said/she-said.

It seemed to knock his concentration because for the first time since the first episode, I noticed a string of 'aboots': "I'm aboot to make decisions aboot whose family to go and meet and instead of feeling excited aboot meeting them, I'm feeling distraught. I'm aboot to walk into a rose ceremony and I have no idea what I'm going to do."

At the ceremony, he told them he wants to go with his guy because he's looking for the one and nothing else. Kaylynn looked ready to cry. But that's just her default look. The roses went in order to:

  1. Trish the Bejewelled
  2. Seashell the Rat
  3. April the Naive, who said, "Me?!" when he announced her name
He picked up the fourth and final rose, then placed it back down again. Not sure if he was confused because there was no host there to instruct him what to do. But he called Lisa away to for a little talk. Kaylynn looked around for a bathroom to run to. She was crying.

Tim said, "Can you just say something to me right now?" Lisa told him, "I am sick about what happened. I am absolutely crazy about you. I understand if this is it for us but I don't want this to be the end. I think we actually have something special." Then she whispered, "I'm sorry." All this was done with her hands behind her back. I couldn't tell if her fingers were crossed or not.

They walked back out and Tim picked up the last rose:

      4. Lisa the Red Flag

Kaylynn surprisingly held up pretty well. And without being told to take a moment to say her goodbyes, they did it instinctively. They're smart, those ones. April told Kaylynn, "You have a path and it's not here. Don't worry." Was that a nice thing to say? I think that was the intention, anyway.

Kaylynn gave Tim a big hug and walked away. He didn't even walk her to wherever it was she was going. She said she feels anger, sadness, and cheated. Then she brought up bullies again: "One thing he said his biggest turnoff is bullies, unnecessary meanness and that right there is Lisa. I feel broken by this."

We'll see how the Lisa situation plays out on the hometown visits next week. Er, I mean tomorrow night. Looking forward to it. We saw someone's grandma telling Tim she can see right through him. That means she could probably see the hideous tattoo on his back. Grandmas hate tattoos.

Monday, October 20, 2014

Bachelor Canada: Easy come, easy go

This is just getting ridiculouser and ridiculouser. I'm talking about my tardiness, not the show, although that, too. In my defence: Who knew the show changed days? Not I. I mean, I have it set to record on my PVR so that's no problem, but it says something about a show's success (or lack thereof) when the network just ups and moves it to another night. And says something even more when nobody notices.

To be fair, I didn't watch until Sunday night so this would have been late no matter what. Not that it matters. We haven't received a comment on here in weeks. Not sure anyone is watching. Or reading. This blog is the proverbial tree falling in the forest with no one around. Timber!

The gang was in Toronto this week, Tim's home town. In keeping with the cheap sponsorship-driven narrative, we learned right off the top from Kaylynn that they were staying at the Grand Hotel. What happened to a nice, subtle (and quick) shot of the name?

At least there were no slogans on the date cards this time (that I noticed, anyway). The first one went to April, who proclaimed, "Shut up!" When Tim arrived and took her out to his motorbike, she yelped, "Shut up!" I was hoping for an episode full of shut ups but it was not to be.

Trish didn't appreciate April's glee, saying, "What's that about? Quit being so happy." And Dominique pouted that she's "never once been alone with Tim away from the girls. Ever." I distinctly remember an R-rated kiss the two shared, presumably in private. But, yes, she had never been on a date with him. But that kiss was more intimate than anything he's done with anyone else. That's gotta count for something.

Tim drives April off through the streets of Toronto to a spot by the lake overlooking the highrises of the city. It's a spot, he tells her, where he actively chose to be happy and his life changed drastically. I think he's got a thing for April and she may be the frontrunner. This message to her spoke volumes. That being said, I'm usually wrong.

He asked April if she'd ever been in love and she revealed she had been in a 7-year relationship. But the dude betrayed her trust and it ended. She said trust is very important but more than that, she wants unconditional love. Tim is so smitten he took that for her opening up.

But there's more she hasn't told him. Is it the passing of her father that we learned about in the first episode or is there more? She's mysterious. She said she doesn't know if she can trust him. Hey, why bother? If he mistakes vague platitudes of unconditional love as baring your soul, that's all he needs to know.

At night they went to an establishment with a pool table. April tells us she learned to shoot pool with her father and by the looks of things, she's pretty damn good. But so's Tim. She suggests a wager: if she wins, she gets to drive his motorbike; if he wins, he gets a kiss. They've already kissed, and would probably do so again anyway, but it was worth it to him just so he wouldn't have to lend out his precious motorcycle.

Tim won. Barely. He said it was "the highest intensity game I've ever played." And he got his kiss. It was no Dominique-style kiss, but, as I said, his chopper was safe.

April liked it, too. "What if I say I lost on purpose?" she teased. "Ha, ha, win-win for me." He gave her a rose.

The next date was a group affair with Kaylynn, Lisa the Red, Seashell, and Trish. Dom was the odd woman out. They went to Canada's Wonderland, a big amusement park, and had the run of the place. Tim called himself an adrenaline junkie so they hit all the rides. And that was some roller coaster. It went way up there. Then he had the gals race each other in go-karts, the winner getting some one-on-one time with him.

Lisa's dad is a car guy and she was in her element. Kaylynn, on the other hand, doesn't drive and doesn't even have her license. But she does have desperation on her side. Trish took it sloooow. We saw individual clips of them all but there was no sense of the race. We heard Lisa saying Kaylynn was on her tail, but the video evidence saw her out there with no one behind her. Then we heard that at the end, with Lisa in front, Kaylynn nudged her from behind and overtaking her for the win. But then we heard that Lisa finished last. With the shots of Trish moving at the speed of a grandmother tortoise, how is that possible? More importantly, why do these details bug me so much?!

Lisa said she will never underestimate Kaylynn again.

So Kaylynn gets to hop in a stationary jalopy outside a '50s diner with the man of her dreams. The problem was the other three girls were sitting in a booth inside at the nearest window. I wonder if the producers thought that through... Of course they did!

Kaylynn mesmerized Tim with her kiss stare. Poor Tim was helpless. It worked and Lisa gagged on her food, stopping short at vomiting in her mouth as she's always threatening. (Side note: Where else can one vomit? Am I doing it wrong?)

Nobody witnessing the smooch was impressed with Kaylynn's lack of couth. You might be wondering why Tim got off scot-free but it was because he was helpless. Nobody can withstand Kaylynn's kiss stare.

Kaylynn and Tim enter the restaurant to icy stares. Tim gets uncomfortable and takes Seashell out for a walk, where she tells Tim that they all know he has connections with different girls but "it just sucks seeing it." Tim responds that he has to take any opportunity he can get to see if there's a connection.

Back inside, Lisa says she just has to ask Kaylynn if she felt what she did was appropriate. Kaylynn looks down shamefully and says "everyone knows what they signed up for." This is true. Point to Kaylynn. Then Lisa replies in agreement but suggests that if the roles were reversed and it were Lisa out in the car kissing, Kaylynn would be in the bathroom bawling her eyes out. This is true, too. Game, set and match to Lisa. Kaylynn begins to cry. Lisa tells her she's got nothing to say to her. Kaylynn gets up and goes to the bathroom to bawl her eyes out. Woah! How did Lisa do that?

Kaylynn, the eternal victim, said, "Others would have done the same thing but because it's me, I'm getting attacked. I just can't handle it." And for the umpteenth time she hints at leaving: "I'm questioning if it's worth staying." Trish thinks Kaylynn is cracking.

Knock-knock. Who's there? Somebody returning to the fold. But it doesn't matter. Nobody doing this has ever moved past that particular episode... Except Ed. Didn't Ed do that in Jillian's season? Maybe. Okay, nobody else making a return visit has ever made it past that episode.

It was no surprise to learn who it was. I called it last week, not that it was much of a call. And while they tried to build the suspense this week, we saw the black Camaro driving down the street. It was Natalie. She came back with dyed black hair, although I thought she had black hair anyway. Goes to show how observant I am. Trish thought the new hair made her look like a witch.

Natalie said she was there "to give Tim that time to get to know me." The one-on-one date she had last week wasn't enough, I guess. Lisa said, "What the hell?" And, of course, talked of vomit in her mouth again. Somebody mentioned it was "unfair" she returned. But they're thinking of this like a game, not life. If the goal is for Tim to find the woman of his dreams (and that's a mighty big 'if', I grant you), then fairness shouldn't enter into the equation.

Natalie leaves to find Tim. She knocks on his door and he looks stunned to see her. She asks if they can chat in the hall. Tim invited her in. He was gobsmacked. She was there to get one more rose ceremony, the one she walked away from. She regretted leaving in haste. She exuded the confidence she never showed last week and Tim admired that. So long, Nervous Nat; hello Nervy Nat.

Tim didn't give her an answer right away. He needed time to process. She thanks him and leaves. Then there's another knock on the door. This time it's Dominique. She told Tim she felt a connection to him but she just felt he's closer to others than he is to her so she thought it was time to go home. Okay, see ya!

It wasn't quite like that, but Tim didn't exactly try to persuade her to stay. He said later he realized he didn't make enough time for Dominique, the model-slash-receptionist. In her farewell talk to him, she told him, "There are some amazing women down there. And I just hope you get to know them. Be careful. Seriously." Bum-bum-buuum! Ominous.

She told us who she was talking about, but not Tim. He'd have to find out on his own about the "bully and evil Lisa." I have mixed feelings about Lisa because I find her attractive and funny. But there must be something more that I can't put my finger on because I've hated previous "evil" women who were beautiful. But I will admit she certainly isn't showing her best side. Canada's a small country, population-wise, and she'll eventually get around to meeting most of us. Then again, it's doubtful more than a few hundred people have seen this season.

Tim processed and informed the remaining five that Natalie will be joining them at the rose ceremony. Nasty Lisa said she hates Nat's "fake hair, fake smile, and fake essence." Nervy Nat said she's "enjoying throwing a wrench in their plans." She said she "can definitely see" Tim giving her a rose.

Lisa said something very deep that requires levels of thought mere mortals can't even reach: "If Natalie were to stay and I were to go home, I would know that I am not the girl for Tim. Straight up." It seems so obvious on the surface, doesn't it? There must be more to it than what appears to be something like, "If I got dumped, I'd know he doesn't like me," but for the life of me, I can't figure it out.

At the rose ceremony, we were still left rudderless, without nominal host Tyler Harcott. He's been MIA for weeks now. I don't know how the show continues without the ladies being told there's one rose left and if they don't get one, to say their goodbyes. But somehow it does.

April had her rose. One person would be going home. The roses went in order to:

  1. Trish, who hopped over to Tim and giggled with glee
  2. Seashell
  3. Kaylynn, who let out a big sigh
  4. Lisa the Red Flag
Natalie didn't get one. You can imagine how devastated she was: "Oh, well," she said with a smile. Easy come, easy go, I suppose. She didn't cry. Said she got the closure she wanted. Then she was driven home. I guess she had to come back the next day to get her Camaro.

Next week the gals and Tim are off to Tuscany. Looks like lots of Lisa drama ahead. I'll try to remember to watch on Tuesday night. Oh, God, that's tomorrow!

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Bachelor Canada: Your Ad Here

The good part about being so late last week is that now when I'm only three days overdue, I look like a keener. I think it's fitting, though, that I post this on the Canadian Thanksgiving. It's like American Thanksgiving but not as in-your-face. Just like Bachelor Canada compared to The Bachelor. But enough chit-chat. Let's get on with the show.

The gang was in Nassau in the Bahamas this week. This gave Tim licence to don his off-white pants and roll them up calf-high. Add to this already fantastic look: dress shoes sans socks.

Bachelor Canada has nowhere near the budget or support of the original American version. If you didn't cotton on to that fact earlier, you certainly would have this episode when the limo pulled up with advertising on its door for a website with a .ca extension. Whatever works, I guess. Even if it doesn't.

They even got the contestants to read ad copy for them and mask it as normal speech. Tell me if this sounds natural. Trish said, "I'm so excited to be here at Sandals Royal Bahamian Resort with Tim!"

And to top it off, the date card has that same Canadian website advertiser on it. It's all so low-rent it's embarrassing. No wonder Tyler Harcott hasn't shown up in the past couple of episodes, including tonight. Maybe he needs sponsorship badges all over his suits like race car drivers.

Speaking of the date card, it was a one-on-one and it went to Prim & Proper Natalie. Lisa the Red spent the episode bad-mouthing sweet Nat. She said, "She wants this bad. It feels like this is her last kick at the can at love." Yes, at 27, Natalie better get on it. The clock's ticking. Lisa, at the sprightly age of 25, has years and years left in the love tank.

Tim said he was waiting for that spark with Natalie because the last time they spoke, it felt more like an interview. I think that's just how she talks. Not an interview so much as a teacher talking to her very young pupils. So Tim thought he'd go the old alcohol route. They ambled over to the Daiquiri Shack and got drinks to go. That'll loosen her up.

She felt they had a deep connection. But their conversation was stilted. Drinks in hand, he asked her, "How's the room?" She replied "I'm trying to mix it." Tim was trying to process her answer when she ran it back in her head and realized he didn't ask how the rum was. He was clearly asking about the whole situation, the relationship with all the other women, etc. But she answered, "Oh, my room is great." With that electric connection, talk turned to the weather.

Tim said, "She just won't relax." Lisa the Red was back at the Sandals Royal Bahamian Resort (sorry, couldn't resist) talking shit. That's right, she used her favourite expression again, saying Natalie was "fucking bat-shit cray." She said if Natalie came back with a rose, she'd walk off the show. Not only that, "I may actually vomit in my mouth."

The others, all supportive and polite Canadians, were getting tired of Lisa's shtick. And Trish admitted she was "a bit scared of Lisa."

Meanwhile, Natalie said, "My vibe from Tim is that he's quite interested." Actually, Tim couldn't look less interested if he tried. Her vibe-o-metre is wonky.

They walked along the beach and Tim wasn't feeling com-fort-a-ble. Yes, he uses four syllables for the word, like someone just learning the language. Or maybe he just wanted to talk to Natalie on her level. I'm sure that's how she'd over-pronounce the word, too. He told her that he wouldn't be giving her the rose, that he needs more time. Got that? No rose, but she wouldn't be going home. But Natalie was upset. She said she'd rather go home now than at a rose ceremony. She wasn't thinking clearly. It's possible someone else might implode (hello Kaylynn!) or otherwise take themselves out of the running and Natalie might end up getting a rose. But Tim wasn't going to pressure her to stay. So off she went.

In her exit interview, she said she was tired of being vulnerable. And you knew she was really upset because the Prim & Proper one said, "I need to open up my effing eyes and realize what the hell is going on." She actually said "effing" just like that. To her credit, she didn't say "H-E-double-hockey-sticks" but I wish she did.

Back at the Sandals Royal Bahamian Resort, Lisa was on a roll with her trash-talking. April didn't like it. "Lisa's being a bully and it's hard to deal with," she said. Lisa was saying things like, "Her voice annoys the shit outta me. She's completely socially awkward," when who should walk in the door crying but Natalie. She came to say goodbye. As she told them the news, Lisa gasped, put her hand to her mouth, then was the first to get up and rush over to Natalie to hug her. As she was hugging Natalie, Lisa said, "You're one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met." She graciously left out the part about her voice annoying the shit outta her.

The others couldn't believe what they were witnessing. Trish called Lisa a Jeckyll and Hyde. "She's a wiry, fiery devil and I don't trust her at all."

The group date was Kaylynn, April, Lisa, Dominique and Seashell. Trish and Rileigh were shut out. They went on a snorkelling adventure. You know, to look at turtles. Kaylynn, who likes to keep close tabs on her mood swings, announced, "I'm so happy right now!" But that was before she found out they'd be going shark diving. With no cage.

I didn't know that was a thing. You certainly don't hear about it on Shark Week, unless something goes terribly wrong. There were about twenty of the creatures swimming around looking all shark-like.

Kaylynn's mood shifted quickly, as it does. "I'm extremely terrified of sharks!" she said. Uh, who isn't? Seashell said, "Kaylynn is a bit of a drama queen and attention seeker. No one likes that." Nailed it. But her fear wouldn't draw any attention from Tim because when she got out of the water after a close brush with the big fish, all the other girls were already on the boat.

Except April. She and Tim swam alone romantically amongst their potential killers.

Then he took them to a private island to unwind. Dominique finally got some air time. She could use it, too, because she didn't have much time for air with that hot and steamy kiss she shared with Tim. She led with her tongue and his probed back for an uncomfortably long time.

Kaylynn came along and interrupted. Dominique got what she came for and gladly got up and went back to the others to report on her passionate lip-lock. April wasn't impressed. Apparently Dominique was with Tim for all of ten minutes. And Trish was shocked, too.

Kaylynn said, "I had my breakdown. It's out of my system." Because that's usually how those things go. You have one, then you're all good for the rest of your life. She told Tim she wanted to kiss him. His lips were probably still numb from Dominique and he hadn't moved an inch, but he told her he wouldn't stop her. That must be his lucky kiss chair. So off they went, moments after Dom was there, on another kissing adventure. Kaylynn must have tasted Dominique but didn't know it. Holding Tim's head post-kiss, she said, "I feel so happy."

April then came to interrupt and dragged Tim from his lucky kiss chair to go sit on swings. We didn't see that because it's only an hour show and we needed to see Kaylynn find out that her kiss came on the heels of Dominique's. To her credit, she didn't break down and she didn't report on how she was feeling at that moment. But she did say, "Shit, this just got real."

The last two women went on a two-on-one date. And as per custom, only one would stick around. My prediction pre-date was that Rileigh would be the one to go.

They took off on a yacht. Tim stole Rileigh away first. The Foul-Mouthed Philosopher hasn't been so foul-mouthed in recent episodes but she's still a philosopher. She told Tim she got into more advanced philosophy and "it'll blow your mind." Then she said, without a trace of irony, "I'm actually super smart." I was getting more and more confident with my prediction.

Trish told Tim she had been engaged to a guy she'd gone out with for eight years, but she just wasn't ready and called it off. Tim appreciated the connection.

They took a smaller boat to a table on a beach complete with a butler holding a champagne bottle. But it was a table for two, meaning it was decision time for Tim. He addressed Trish first and she looked horrified and broken up. Rileigh, the super smart one, was lit up.

But Tim gave the rose to Trish. Rileigh stayed smiling and it seemed genuine. She was definitely philosophical about it. She hopped back on the boat and wished them well. Trish and Tim peeled off their clothes and ran into the water and kissed. I guess his chair was underwater.

So with Natalie and Rileigh gone, there were six at the rose ceremony. Trish already had a rose. Dominique, despite the series' most passionate kiss, felt confident she was going home because out of every other girl, she's the one who spent the least amount of time with Tim. Hey, girl, it's quality, not quantity that counts.

Tim called it a "daunting" decision. The roses went in order to:

  1. Seashell
  2. Lisa the Red
  3. April
At this point, Kaylynn looked down and shook her head. She knew there was only one rose to go and it was between her and Dominique. No doubt, she was also thinking that Dominique got in her kiss before she did.

Tim said he needed a minute then walked back purposefully to the producers. Not Tyler, because Tyler has been MIA for a few episodes now. Kaylynn said, "What the fuck's he doing?"

But not to worry, dear worrier, he came back with an extra rose. You got it: everyone would be getting one. "I'm not willing to let you guys go. Not yet," he told them. So the ceremony continued:

     4. Dominique
     5. Kaylynn

I thought it was telling that Dominique went first, but then when we saw Kaylynn getting hers, Dominique looked dejected and wasn't holding one. So who knows what fancy editing tricks were going on.

Tim then informed everyone they were going to... Toronto! Enough of the world nonsense. They all feigned excitement.

In the upcoming highlights, it looks like Natalie returns. Can't say for sure but that's my best guess. Should be good. I'll try to be even earlier next week. No promises, though.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Bachelor Canada: The lowest of the highs

I've been late with this thing before but never this late, I don't think. I had to go out on Thursday night when the show aired but I figured it wasn't a big deal. Bachelor Canada is only an hour long. I could get home, watch it on PVR, and get the blog up fairly early the next day. At least my intentions were good. Too bad my memory isn't. It wasn't until last night that I suddenly remembered I hadn't watched the show yet. I submit it's not a particularly good sign when you almost completely forget about a show.

But I was able to watch it in its entirety this morning. Here are my notes.

It was another Tyler Harcott-free episode. Maybe they couldn't afford to fly him and his skinny pants all the way to Mexico.

We started the episode with a dozen ladies and were told two would be going home at the end of their five-day stay in Los Cabos (condensed down to the 44 minutes or whatever the hour-long show is minus the commercials). But Tim plays by his own rules, as we'll find out later.

The one-on-one date went to Lisa the Red, described as "edgy" and "sassy" by the others. Tim said there was "an amazing coolness to her."

They went to a canyon where a hut was sitting on (or hanging from) cables across the abyss. Lisa thought they'd be bungee jumping, which she was totally cool with. But it was actually a 100-foot fall followed by a "death swing." She was less cool with that but to me it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. I don't see a big difference between a bungee jump and a death swing.

Tim likes Lisa the Red because of her confidence. He said, "You don't care if someone doesn't like you because you like who you are." Yeah, that's always a good sign on these shows. Pick the girl who doesn't mind not getting along with others. Always a recipe for success.

He gave her the rose. "I really like this girl. But I don't know, I wonder if there's another layer there, something that gets peeled away and she just gives her all to you," he said. Nah, probably not. Usually people are 100 percent exactly like they are on a first date. And make that 200 percent when a camera crew is involved. So what you see is what you get, Timmy.

But she did reveal some wacky ink work. She has tattoos located on the underside of her upper arm, like her armpits are leaking.

Back at the hotel, Kaylynn was regretting her cocktail party meltdown. She tried to talk to Martha about it, since she directed her accusations at the Mexican last week. Martha wasn't really as understanding as Kaylynn had hoped. "Martha's making me feel segregated. It just takes me back to my childhood and being picked on," she said. She sure gets picked on a lot. I don't want to be victim-blaming but it makes me wonder why she's always on the victim side of things.

She cried (again) saying last week was so embarrassing. Then she said, "I've never had that kind of emotional break before." At first, I didn't believe her. Then I just figured she has so many emotional breaks (she's had one every single episode so far) that she actually classifies them very specifically so she was telling the truth – last week's emotional break was different than all the others.

A four-on-one group date included Mexican Martha, Seashell, Jenny the fake Brit, and April Burlesque. They watched a Mexican dance then were informed that they'd be learning how to do it themselves and performing it in the streets. And one of the four would get a dinner out with Tim.

Martha thought she had the advantage because of her Mexican heritage. Seashell was anxious because she thought she sucked. Jenny's dancing is limited to the sprinkler. And despite being a burlesque performer, April can't really dance.

But they look fantastic. Not their moves; their traditional Mexican costumes. They get out there and a crowd gathers. They do their thing. It wasn't good but at the same time, there's not much movement involved so they can't screw up too badly. I'm sure the crowd was tipped off that these were rank amateurs because they got a nice round of ironic applause.

Seashell got the dinner date because, according to Tim anyway, she was most out of her element but had fun with it. In reality, it's because he was going to take her no matter what. He just had to come up with a reason for the others.

There was a range of discontentedness amongst the others. Jenny was "bummed," while April Burlesque was "bummed."

Tim called Seashell a "sweet, girl-next-door type." They talked about past relationships. She revealed she's had two long-term relationships. The first one cheated on her, while the second one cheated on her. Then she asked Tim if he'd even been cheated on. I thought the more pointed question would have been if he's ever cheated on anyone. Anyway, turns out he has been cheated on, too.

They shared a long, slo-mo kiss at the dinner table then rested their chins on each others' shoulders.

The next date card was for Prim & Proper Natalie, the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher Rileigh, April Beauty, someone I didn't catch, Miss Trish the pageant queen, and Christine. It wasn't until the rose ceremony that I figured out the one I didn't catch. It was Dominique who I don't think has said a word in three episodes. I forgot all about her.

Their date was to be a beach volleyball game. Finally! That's something they couldn't do in rainy and cold Vancouver.

If you're keeping track at home, that left weepy Kaylynn as the only one of the twelve without any Tim-time. She had been hoping she'd get to go on a date to show him she's not really like she was at the last ceremony. Even though she's exactly like that.

Being shut out of the dates, she went from "the highest high to the lowest low in a matter of days." Not sure of her definition of "highest high" is because we haven't seen it. But I get the impression she goes from high highs to low lows several times through the course of a single day.

She went off to Tim's room to talk. Tim has tons of patience. In the understatement of the season, he told her he knows she's an emotional person. She took full responsibility for last week's meltdown, which impressed Tim no end. It also got him thinking. He suddenly realized how rushed everything is. He was stricken with a sense of urgency. So he made a decision that he thinks will get him more time with the women, but one that might not make everyone happy. He thinks it's the right thing to do.

The chosen six were decked out in their beach volleyball bikinis when Tim arrived to break the news that he doesn't think watching anyone play beach volleyball will help him decide anything. He's now seen them in their very revealing beach volleyball bikinis and his decision has been made. He cancels the date and tells them he's just going to hang out with everyone all day.

April Beauty said, "Now it's a frickin' 12-on-1." She said it's hard for her to step on toes and fight for his attention. "It just sucks." But she clearly devised a plan to get his attention. She'd sulk.

Trish said it was "totally not fair." She was annoyed. "It's not how I want to spend my day."

But Prim & Proper Natalie would make the best of it. She said, in perfect diction, "I know that I'm into him because of these feelings I'm getting inside." That doesn't read as funny as it sounded coming out of her mouth.

Her goal was to impress upon Tim that she wasn't as proper as she appears to be. She wanted him to know that she drives a Camaro. "I think it's kind of bad-ass. I like it," she said. She has an adventurous side. "Don't judge a book by its cover," she told him.

Lisa the Red thinks Natalie is insecure. "There's a lot of issues going on with that girl," she said. "I can see it."

The sulking April Beauty put her plan in motion, running away from the group to go stand by the water, reflecting on her situation (but really waiting for Tim). She didn't have to wait long. Tim dusted off his David Hasselhoff impersonation and ran after her.

She said she wanted to collect her thoughts and hadn't done that yet and didn't want him there at that time. That's a good one!

Lisa the Red didn't empathize: "These girls' initial reaction is to cry when something's not going their way," she said. "I just don't get it." This girl is tough. She probably didn't even cry when she was getting her armpit tattoos.

April Beauty told Tim at the water that she just wanted to have fun and get tipsy and swim in the ocean. So Tim picked her up and headed into the water. Beauty said, "I feel like he's a Greek god and if I look I turn to stone." Not sure that's a compliment as Medusa was a Greek monster with a hideous female face that turned onlookers into stone. But I'm sure the sentiment was more positive than that.

Trish said she'd have rather played volleyball than watch Tim frolic in the ocean with April. When Tim stopped frolicking, he was hit with "incredible tension." Time for a new idea. Sure, since his last one was such a winner. "This is not how I wanted this date to go," he said. "It's obvious that what I'm doing isn't working. I need to make some drastic changes if I want that to turn around."

His brainstorm was to send an extra two bodies home, for a total of four. Trisha bawled at the news. But Tim said he needs to focus on women he has the strongest connection with.

We didn't get to see the cocktail party for their last-ditch efforts to stick around so we cut right to the rose ceremony. Remember, Lisa the Red already possessed a flower, leaving seven more to hand out. They went in order to:

  1. Kaylynn. I'm not even joking about that! No doubt she was back to her highest high.
  2. Trish, the bawler. Um, okay.
  3. Seashell
  4. April the Beautiful Sulker
  5. Prim & Proper Natalie
  6. Dominique. This is when I went, "What?" Had no idea she was still on the show.
  7. The Foul-Mouthed Five-Foot Philosopher Rileigh.
In other words, all (or mostly) the white ones left. Kaylynn being the lone exception (I think). That meant all (or mostly) the non-white ones were going home: Mexican Martha, April Burlesque, Fake Brit Jenny, and Christine. April being the lone exception. 1-2-3 Bam!

That's it. The final eight and Tim will be off to the Bahamas next week. I wonder if Tyler Harcott will get to go, too.

Oh, and hey, follow me on Twitter already, would ya? @BachelorBlogger

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Bachelor Canada: The Whirlwind

I can't believe I'm two days late with this one. Just because the episode was only one hour. Take away all the commercials I fast-forwarded through and it was probably more like 44 minutes. It all seems so much more pointless than it already is at such a length but I've gotta say I'm liking it. So much less of a commitment. Just like there's so much less of a commitment between the various couples (except for Kaylynn, who fell madly in love when she stepped out of the limo).

Every season, whether it's The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor Pad, Bachelor in Paradise, or Bachelor Canada, has some enduring word or phrase that pops up over and over again, from DeAnna's "hort" to Ali's "impor'ant" to Andi's "y'all". I thought Tim's thing was going to be "aboot" but that's moved to the background now. I do believe his thing is the automatic giggle. I tried to count the number of times his machine-gun laugh popped up but I couldn't keep up.

The first date card went to Kaylynn the ballerina. She was so excited, she was shaking. And that's even before she saw the helicopter. She's terrified of heights, you see. But she got on the thing like a trooper. I don't mean in a military sense. Like a regular trooper who goes with the flow.

They took a scenic view of Vancouver, flying over Lion's Gate Bridge and Stanley Park before making their way to Grouse Mountain. I thought Tim should have chosen one of the women not from the city but I guess even a local can appreciate the sights.

I was recently on Grouse Mountain. My son and I watched a helicopter taking off. So there is a landing pad there. So it was curious when Tim and Kaylynn had to take the gondola up the mountain. Especially since there's no landing pad on the bottom of the mountain. Ah, television. What tricks you play!

First question we heard Tim ask the Ballerina was, "Do you cook at all?" Good to get your priorities out of the way, buddy. Kaylynn is no Julia Childs but she can follow a recipe. I'd hate to be around if the recipe didn't turn out. Can you imagine the meltdown she'd have?

She told Tim she was raised "over the phone" by her parents, since they sent her off to a boarding school. It wasn't easy for her and she may have felt bullied. I'm not clear on that but that was the impression Tim gave later on, which we'll get to. What he gave at this moment was a rose. To her. He felt very comfortable with her.

And after this first date, Kaylynn downplayed it, saying it was "the most unbelievable connection I've had in my life!" Actually, that doesn't surprise me since she spent most of her life in a boarding school.

Before the first set of commercials we got the second date card. Told you this episode just flew by. This was a group date with ten lucky ladies. Prim & Proper Miss Natalie and the Cougar were not in the group and they were getting worried.

The group went to False Creek in downtown Vancouver. And this is where Vancouver showed its Vancouveredness: it was pouring rain. Seriously, producers, what were you thinking? One reason people watch this franchise is for babes in bikinis and you're filming in the winter? For four months of the year, it's nothing but blue skies and hot weather, yet you want to subject these delicate flowers to the elements? And deprive us of scenery?

They divided the women into two teams and they had a dragonboat race. In the pouring rain. I guess it was good for the requisite "I'm wet" comments. The team of April Burlesque, Jenny, Mexican Martha, the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher Rileigh, and Pageant Trisha beat the team of Alison, Dominique, Lisa the Red, Dr. Renee, and Seashell. Quite handily, too.

The losers went back to the mansion while the winners got more time with Tim.

But first we got the third date card of the show – 15 minutes into the episode! It was another date card, this time for Christine, Proper Miss Natalie, Cougar Sonia, and April Beauty. And Kaylynn (of the only one-on-one date fame) called it her "worst nightmare – all this time to sit back and watch fourteen other women go on a date with him." Boo-hoo.

Meanwhile, the dragonboat winners went with Tim to the Sun Yat-Sen Gardens. They wore traditional Chinese garments. April Burlesque told Tim her stage name is Suicide Stacy. I guess guys find suicide sexy. Tim found her "very, very interesting." But he wondered if she was like that all the time.

Outside the room, the others were wondering if Tim was like that all the time, too. Or at least the Foul-Mouthed Philosopher was. They heard his rat-a-tat laugh and Rileigh thought he might be "putting on Show Tim." She wanted him to "cut the shit and connect." You know, usually on the American show, they'll say something like that but bleep it out, and if I can tell what they were saying, I'll just write it without the bleep. On this show, they don't bleep "shit." And Rileigh took full advantage. She said it several times. And "what the fuck?" which they did bleep.

But Rileigh wasn't talking behind Tim's back. When she got some alone-time with him, she said the exact same thing. She said she "can't stop being analytical." Tim told her it wasn't always useful and she should just shut it off. That made her think. "You're appealing to my smart side," she said. I tend to think brains are like beauty and sense of humour: if you have to say you're smart (good-looking, funny, etc.), you're probably not.

He gave the rose, though, to Pageant Trisha for reasons only known to Tim.

For the four-on-one date, Tim arrived at the mansion bright and early to surprise everyone. They were all milling about in the kitchen in their PJs. Sonia was probably not appreciating that, although there was no evidence. I'm just thinking any twentysomething can roll out of bed and look no worse for wear. But once you get up over 40, life begins to show a bit. Again, there was no evidence of that with Sonia. It's just an educated guess. And perhaps it was a reason Tim felt no chemistry with her.

The four would do a photoshoot for Flair magazine. Sonia, a lingerie model, should have been in her element here. Tim said she was "particularly interesting to me." He also described her as "more mature" than the others. And he didn't mean the others were running around shooting spitballs at each other.

He described the shoot with Christine as "terrible." But he still liked it. I thought it was terrible because it showed his godawful shoulder tattoo.

He nailed Natalie. No, not in that way. He said she "has a little veneer of properness to her." But she loosened up a bit on the shoot when they went in for a long, steamy kiss. Or as steamy as a kiss can be with lips pressed tightly closed. She called it a "most amazing sexual moment."

He called Sonia a bombshell. As in devoid of all firepower and explosiveness? Just the outer shell? Must be because he said there was "no spark between us." But we know that's just code for "I found out her real age." Because surely he doesn't have sparks with every other girl there. Yet he felt the need to send Sonia packing. He told her, "Sometimes you have to respect the chemistry that's there or not there. It's almost disrespectful to force it." Uh-huh.

But she's been around the block once or twice. So she took it well, saying, "No point trying to kick a dead horse." Or a really old horse, I suppose. She was happy she tried at all and left in the downpour.

After the photoshoot, Tim and April Beauty went somewhere alone but I forget how she was chosen. There was no rose involved. I guess he just told them. I remember Proper Miss Natalie was very happy for April. Such a polite Canadian!

Wherever they went, there was the requisite anonymous singer-songwriter to greet them in song. April knew the words to the ditty. She called it a "cute" song. She used the word a lot. In fact, if Bachelor Canada ever spins off to Bachelorette Canada (and is there any reason why it shouldn't?!), and April Beauty is selected, no doubt "cute" would be her word. The song was cute, Tim was cute, his kiss was cute. Yes, they kissed. She had a blanket and he pulled it up to cover her face and gave her a peck behind it. She said, "Oh my God, how frickin' cute was that?! He would not have gotten a kiss if he didn't do it that way."

At the cocktail party, Tim showed up wearing Tyler Harcott's dress pants. They had to be because they seemed about four sizes too tight. And Harcott didn't make an appearance at all, I guess because he didn't have any pants. Just putting two and two together.

Kaylynn, who'd been fretting ever since she got the rose on her one-on-one date, said she was going to "play it cool" and not be "the overbearing girlfriend." Good call. And good luck with that.

She said it's sometimes easy for her to "go in a crazy emotional whirlwind, and nothing good can come from that."

Tim revealed that his horrendous tattoo is actually a cover-up. That's an example of making a bad thing even worse. Kids, let that be a lesson to you.

For the first time in history, the Bachelor shunned someone wanting to "interrupt". Mexican Martha walked up to Tim and Christine and he totally shunned poor Martha. I've never seen that before.

Remember what Kaylynn said two paragraphs ago? So when she was talking to one of the Aprils and Tim walked up to them and took April away, how do you think Kaylynn handled that? a) with a shrug and a laugh? b) with a tinge of disappointment, or c) with a crazy emotional whirlwind?

Martha supplied some tough love, reminding Kaylynn she already has a rose and she has nothing to worry about. Kaylynn wasn't listening. She said, "I should just go home." At which point Mexican Martha very correctly said, "I can't talk to you" and got up and walked away.

Kaylynn didn't go home, though. She sucked it up and made it through the rose ceremony. Both she and Pageant Trisha had roses. Ten more roses went to:

  1. Suicide Stacy
  2. Christine
  3. Seashell
  4. Mexican Martha
  5. Dominiquetress
  6. Jenny
  7. Lisa the Red
  8. April Beauty
  9. The Foul-Mouthed Philosopher
  10. A relieved Prim & Proper Miss Natalie, who told Tim, "Don't do that ever again!"
The doctor and nurse were sent home, Dr. Renee and Nurse Alison.

But the drama wasn't over. Kaylynn still needed to officially break down. Trisha said, "Enough is enough. If you can't fucking handle it, go home." But Kaylynn was upset with Martha, for some inexplicable reason. In her mind, she turned Martha's support into bullying. She said she felt bullied by her for telling her how she should be feeling. She sobbed, "I can't stand bullying!" Oh this can only get better.

She told Tim, "I don't want you to think differently of me." He said, "I don't." Presumably because he already thought she was a nut last week, too.