Monday, July 6, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: It's sexy time! (again)

Hi all. Are we losing readers/viewers as the dog days of summer hit? Or is the show losing viewers because of Kaitlyn or the changes made every episode? Or is everyone still out there? Regardless, I'm still here sweating it out.

Previously on The Bachelorette: Nick makes Kaitlyn feel like a desired woman. Shawn questions everything whenever he sees her with another guy (and especially "that other guy"). The order changed, with Fantasy Suites coming before Hometowns now. Two are leaving this week. That's about it.

It's been draining for Kaitlyn. Hell, it's been draining for all of us.

Aitch gets the first date. This guy's a lock, I would think. Then again, she thought JJ was good-looking and funny, so what do I know?

On the dates this week, she's really looking at whether the guys are husband material. So she wants to show them all her many sides. She's not just bubbly Kaitlyn, she says.

She and Aitch take a row boat out on a lake. Aitch does all the rowing. He rows to a private island and they play hide and seek in some ancient stone structure. See, she's more than just a bubbly chick. She also likes children's games.

She tells him right off the bat he seems like husband material to her. They kiss lots. Tastes like husband material, too.

At night they head to a cozy place with a fireplace and whiskey. Aitch tells us he's falling in love with her, but he needs to tell her about his biggest fear. And that is that he loved his last girlfriend but since that ended, he feels he's unlovable. Makes as much sense as her fear of birds.

He's just fishing for reassurance is what he's doing. It works. They kiss some more.

This guy could play the next Superman, I'm thinking.

She asks Aitch his opinion on overnights. He tells her it doesn't have to be just physical. Or even physical at all. He said he'd like to talk all night. Then she wonders if he might be a virgin so she flat-out asks him. His answer: "Um..." Then he smiles and says, "No!" He says he's glad he comes off innocent, though. Then mentions talking all night again. They kiss some more, then she asks him to tell her about when he lost his virginity. Thankfully we don't get the answer. He kisses her to shut her up. This girl has one thing on her mind, doesn't she?

No rose on the line for the one-on-one.

Nick's confidence couldn't be higher, he tells us. He's going on a group date with his arch-rival Old Man Shawn and Moonshine Joe. One person will get a rose on this date, which guarantees some good old-fashioned fornicatin' in the Fantasy Suite!

Shawn gets the first alone time. She told him last week they needed to take a step back. Now he's ready to step forward. They sit on the grass and talk about their last encounter, which was the first time they didn't kiss. So they rectify that. He gets lip gloss on his moustache.

Kaitlyn, though, wants to tell him about the Nick sextuation. Just as she's about to reveal her deep, dark secret, Nick steps in. So off they go, leaving Shawn to show his lip gloss off to Joe.

Nick and Kaitlyn have a tender moment where he mumbles into his hand that he's falling for her.

Moonshine Joe tells Kaitlyn he's ready to get married. She's not buying it. So he shows her with his lips. She just sits there. She doesn't make eye contact, either. He tells her he's in love with her. She's flattered but clearly uncomfortable. She sits there looking down with an awkward smile on her face.

Back from the break and she's not looking as happy. They're on the same bench, but here comes the brutal honesty. She tells him they're not on the same page right now. Turns out, she's not even reading the same book. In fact, it's possible ol' Moonshine Joe doesn't even know how to read. He says, "What are you trying to say, Kaitlyn?" Good question. She can't imagine saying goodbye to him, she tells him. He keeps a stiff upper lip. Staring off into the distance, he says he's not upset with her at all. She asks if he can give her a hug and he says, "I guess." Love it!

He asks what to do now. She says he should do whatever he wants. He doesn't know. She says, "I just wanted to hug you and say goodbye." Then he mumbled something I couldn't catch on three or four rewinds. But I don't think it was pleasant.

Now it's just Shawn and Nick, making the rose option even more fun. But she tells them she doesn't feel like handing it out. She tells Nick she'll see him at the rose ceremony. She tells Shawn she needs more time with him tonight. They both take this as a notch in Shawn's belt, but really it's just so she can tell him she boned Nick.

Shawn's feeling great about this one-on-one time. Kaitlyn's feeling sick about having to open up to him. He looks hopefully in her eyes. Here goes! "I want to be honest with you and I know your biggest thing is trust. I haven't talked to anybody else about this... I don't want you to find out later." She brings up the one-on-one date with Nick. She says, euphemistically, it went too far. What? Second base? Nope, she goes one further and says, "We had sex." No mincing words there. Shawn turns red and sweats. He's silent. "Do you regret it?" he asks? "I felt guilt," she answered. He says he doesn't know what to think. He says, "I'm trying to figure out why you're telling me this right now." Another good question. He says he needs to take a minute to regroup and go to the bathroom. Presumably to barf.

He returns. He thanks her for telling him, but admits he's upset about it, especially because it involves a guy he has no respect for. But he's going to man-up and deal with it. He can't be mad because he wants her. He thinks she's worth it. But deep down, he feels sick to his stomach. Thus the barfing.

Shawn arrives back at the house. He doesn't talk to Nick and Patchy about what was said. It's between him and Kaitlyn. He just says he feels confident he'll get a rose.

Looks like Patchy is the odd man out this week. He isn't getting a date. I wonder if it had to do with his sudden outbreak of acne. They're going straight to the cocktail party. I guess I was confused because a) there's still an hour left in the show, and b) Patchy hadn't been on a date yet. But there are no rules or consistency this season. My internal clock is screwed up.

Shawn is saying he may not even accept the rose if offered.

Chris Harrison enters to tell the four fellas that Kaitlyn's mind is made up so there will be no cocktail party. Oh geez, can't we have some semblance of structure?! So off the handsome men go via hansom carriage to the rose ceremony.

And away we go! The roses go in order to:

  1. Shawn.
But wait! She asks if he'll accept this rose and he says, "I need to talk to you." They walk off hand in hand. He says he did a lot of thinking last night. "I understand there are other connections and other relationships" but he doesn't understand why she asked him his opinion on Nick and told him (i.e. Shawn) he was the one. He doesn't get why she'd jeopardize their relationship. She says it was a mistake to tell him he was the one halfway through the process. She's here to explore other relationships. And by that she means lots and lots of sex. With one other guy. She loves Shawn's honesty and loves that he cares, but he needs to let her figure out things herself. She asks if she might be someone he can't trust. He says, "Uh." She says, "You have to trust me but I don't think you do."

So back to the roses. Will he accept? "Absolutely." Doesn't sound convincing, though.

  1. Shawn (again)
  2. Aitch
  3. Nick
Sorry, Patchy, you're going home but enjoy these parting gifts: a year's supply of razors and Clearasil. He tells her she's a wonderful person and he's really glad he met her. He handles it like a gentleman.
She blubbers in his arms. He smiles and gets in the van. Sounds like it's got no muffler and it sputters away. His eyes are watery in the car. Okay, more than watery. He says he's going to miss her a lot.

So here we are at the overnights. But only half an hour left in the episode. Argh! My world is upside-down!

Nick gets the first Fantasy Suite date. Or first and second, if you want to be technical about it. And third total, if you're counting Andi, too.

They're in Dublin (or maybe Cork) and walk into a cathedral. They light some candles and he explains to her about the confessional. Good thing for him the priest wasn't on duty. He'd have a lot of esplainin' to do.

At a bar, they talk about her first kiss in grade 8 and him touching privates also in grade 8. It's an activity he hasn't given up. Some locals sit and talk with them and Kaitlyn can't understand them. Yet she could understand Moonshine Joe? They give the young couple some advice and it centres around trust. And something about craic, which is pronounced 'crack' but doesn't involve narcotics (necessarily) or butt cleavage.

Shawn is still brewing over "that other guy." He won't mention him by name.

That other guy tells Kaitlyn there's one guy he has no respect for. He alludes to the guy bragging about being "Eskimo brothers" with a famous country singer because they banged the same girl on the same night. Or something like that. Kaitlyn says, "Eww!" I immediately Googled the phrase:

n. A male who has had sex with, and ejaculated inside of the same woman as a good friend. (not necessarily simultaneously)
I knew me and Jack were brothers for life, but when I found out he slept with Stacy we became Eskimo Brothers

I was confused as to the etymology of this phrase. How does that term find its way to that definition? Then I found this image, which explained it all:

Kaitlyn asks who he's talking about. Turns out it's Shawn, naturally. Not naturally because we expect that from Shawn; but naturally because Shawn is Nick's main competition. He adds he's worried about her. Nick's in full weasel mode.

Then lightning strikes. What does it mean?! It means that warm air met cold air and formed a thundercloud, then negative and positive charges grew.

Kaitlyn doesn't really care about the jabs each of them throws at the other. That's good. But since she lives in a glass house, she's careful with stones.

She gives Nick the Fantasy Suite card. It's the second one he's experienced. He tells her he wants to wake up to her. The suite is in a jail. Two futons on the floor. He's game. But turns out that was just a prank because the bubbly Kaitlyn's a prankster even when sex is on the line.

Now they're in their real suite. They drink and kiss then walk to the bedroom holding hands. They lie down and kiss some more. He squeezes her upper thigh. Then he gets up and closes the door. "Let's just get to it," he says.

In the light of day, they sit and eat bacon. Or ham. His problem with Ireland is with the bacon, he says, and that's because it's actually ham. Kaitlyn likes it but that's because she's Canadian, Nick says. Let's clear this up for our American readers. In the US, there's a thing called "Canadian bacon" that looks like ham. Let it be stated for the record that in Canada there is no such thing. At least, it's not called Canadian bacon. Our bacon is just like their bacon – long, thin strips of peeled pig. If it's ever ham-like, we call it ham. Or maybe back bacon. I'm not sure. I just know there's nothing called Canadian bacon.

He's shirtless. They're glowing. This is the first post-fantasy suite date we've seen. He gets dressed, kisses her, and takes the walk of shame back to his hotel.

Meanwhile, Shawn calls the front desk to find out Nick's room number. No hotel I've ever visted gives that kind of information out, but they apparently did. So he trudges over to Nick's place to get some things off his chest.

He sits down at Nick's and tells him he doesn't understand his reasons why he's here. He calls Nick manipulative, arrogant and cocky. He tells him he's an "asshole." They go on and on, but we're going to have to wait until next week to find out what happens because the producers like ending shows in the middle now.

Oh good lord, here's more on Britt and Brady. He's saying goodbye because he lives in Nashville and she lives in LA. Can we all just say goodbye to these little needless segments?