Bachelorette Canada: It's finger-sucking bad

Hey, you. It's me. How've you been? Great. Glad to hear it.

Last week while watching the show, our cable server went on the fritz. Most of the channels were all glitchy. Twitter told me we weren't the only ones. But what a world we live in! Through the wonders of modern technology, I finished watching a few days later online. What a time to be alive!

The gang was in Quebec City, or as the locals call it, Quebec. Jasmine had never been there before. She called it beautiful and romantic but stopped short at saying it was the perfect place to fall in love. Duly noted.

This episode was also brought to us from the good folks at Rotten Ronnie's. More blatant product placement with their (admittedly good) coffee. (Ah, who am I kidding? I also love their Egg McMuffins, cheeseburgers, fries, Big Macs, apple pies, smoothies...)

The one-on-one date went to 8-Pack Mike. How shallow is this woman? As soon as she sees his bare tummy, she gets all hot and bothered and takes him on a one-on-one. They take off in a helicopter. She says, "I'm really attracted to him." She means, of course, "to his abs."

Mike has been single for a couple of years, we learn. She tells his abs, "I just feel this building attraction with you." They kiss. Their chemistry is "off the charts." All this is happening on the helicopter and poor Mike has never been in one before. He's missing the tour!

It's rainy in Quebec City. See, it's not just Vancouver. Hey producers, why not shoot in the summer? You're making us look bad.

At dinner, they talk about where they might live. Mike is in Winnipeg, but as comedian Nikki Payne said on the After Show, he's a fireman – houses catch on fire everywhere. Great point. He doesn't need to stick around Winnipeg if he doesn't want to. Jasmine thinks Winnipeg is too cold, but on the other hand likes the idea of living closer to her hometown. So she gives him the rose and then they dance awkwardly alone in front of a chanteuse and guitarist.

The group date was with Nipple Ring, the Inventor, Rob Schneider, and Sexual Tongue (Mikhel, Chris, Kevin P, Thomas, for anyone just stumbling upon this blog for the first time). They're going to do lumberjack stuff wearing red plaid jackets. The Inventor says he doesn't have abs but he does have some hidden strength. Too bad. She only likes guys with abs.

The winner of the 'jack-off gets a mini date with her. She says she's looking for a strong man but not in a physical way, so what better competition than one that highlights brute strength? They will compete by carrying a log, chopping wood, and hammering nails.

Old Sexual Tongue, the International Model, was born and raised on a construction site, so he wins  with an overall time of 4 minutes 18 seconds. Nipple Ring is a close second, at 4:35. Schneider is 4:49 and the Inventor is 5:14. He needs to invent a time machine to go back and redo the challenge.

Oh, is anyone watching this new show I keep seeing commercials for? Ben & Laura? What the hell? I love their catch phrase: We survived The Bachelor; now it's time for real life. But make sure it's all filmed, just like in real life. Ben was one of my favourite Bachelors ever. I thought he had a good head on his shoulders. Turns out he's just a fame whore like all the rest of them.

Jasmine and Thomas ride off in a horse carriage under plaid blankets. She's attracted to his intensity, but she wants to connect with him in a lighter way. Always wanting what she's not getting. They head to a rustic cabin. He brags that he could build it with his eyes closed. He's not just a pretty face.

Jasmine gets to know both Thomas, the international model, and Tom, the wild party guy who dances till the music shuts off. Although there was no dancing and no music, including his bad singing into a wine bottle. He sounds like every boy band you ever heard. I mean, points for trying, and all, but maybe he should have waited until they were on a karaoke date.

She gives Sexual Tongue a rose and they cheers to getting weird and kiss.

The next group date is with Ben Wha?, Captain Canada, and Cocky Drew. Drew says he's not going to fight for Jasmine. He's obviously taking those texts with Chad to heart.

The date is to Siberia Spa, because when you think of relaxing spas to pamper yourself, you think of Siberia.

Jasmine's going to get a mani, a pedi, and a massage. And the fellas are going to give them to her. Only she'll be blindfolded and they are to remain silent.

Cocky Drew draws the massage. He undoes her bikini top and she says to be careful of the side boob. Then he straddles her. Silently.

Anyone can give a massage. But how the hell do you do a mani or pedi without training? Turns out you don't. You just give a hand or foot massage. Ben Wha? gives the hand massage and includes some finger sucking. Gross. She immediately knows it's him. He's still unwatchable.

Captain Canada does the foot massage. Lots of toe porn for the foot fetishists out there. She loves it. She can tell that the person doing it wants her. She feels giddy. I think she can see our the bottom of her blindfold. She nails all three.

Once it's over, Ben Wha? tells her about his family's chalet. She sees his serious side so he wastes no more time and goes in for the slobbery kiss. She laughs and pushes him away. Somewhere, Seth is wondering what he did wrong.

Drew tells her "exactly what she wants to hear." He tells her about a house he recently bought by the beach. Then before he goes in for his first kiss, he says, "I haven't tested these lips out." She just laughs at that because that's just the way he is, always a salesman. Yet somehow she feels attracted to him.

Capt. Canada doesn't ask for one-on-one time. He's a bit jealous so he just sits sulking in the hot tub. So he can't get the rose. And the always mugging Ben Wha? can't possibly get one. So Cocky Drew wins the rose by process of elimination. He gets even cockier.

At the cocktail party, Nipple Ring whispers to Jasmine that he get really shy in front of the cameras. She tells him she knows and that it's annoying so stop it. But he manages to get out that he's coming at her full speed. They kiss.

The Inventor says he's going to lay it all on the line and go in for the kiss. He says he's nervous but confident. He tells the cameras that she's got beautiful lips (do you think they're aided by collagen?) and he can't wait to grab her and start making out.

Guess what? Doesn't happen. After giving her a "gift" of the lyrics he wrote to the song they recorded in Jamaica, he leans in. And she leans out. Shut down! He's experienced this many times before with women. Seriously? Many times? I kinda like Chris, but maybe he's not the best at reading situations if this is happening to him many times.

Jasmine tells him she hasn't had the time to build that kind of connection with him. So that gives him hope that she'll want to have more time to build a connection. Oh poor dear Inventor. Denial ain't just a river in Africa, as they say.

Noah, the host, enters. I don't think I'll ever get used to him as the show's face. It's rose ceremony time. 8-Pack, Sexual Tongue, and Cocky Drew all have roses. There are four more to hand out, with one person going home. They go in order to:

1. Nipple Ring
2. Captain Canada
3. Ben Wha?
4. Rob Schneider

So she chooses old slobbery kiss Ben Wha? over Baby Einstein. Her loss. The Inventor is going home. Noah doesn't quite understand the host's function. He just memorized some stock line and tried to apply it in this situation. With only one guy going home, Noah said, "Gentlemen, if you did not receive a rose, say your goodbyes." Chris Harrison would have known to personalize it to the one person who needs to say goodbye. Noah was on autopilot.

Chris says, "the evasive thing called love continues to evade me... Why is it the nice guys always lose?... At what point does that change?" And he broke down in the limo.

Next week they're going camel riding in Morocco. Cool!

The After Show featured the detestable Ashley I along with the Inventor. He was great. Ashley I (which stands for Eyebrow, apparently) was wearing a v-neck shirt that vee'd down to her naval. She managed to get through the show without crying.

There were two segments with host Jenn gabbing with a Superfan in a spa. Let's not make this a regular thing, huh, producers?

The comedian was Nikki Payne, who was a live wire. But somebody in the control room was asleep. They allowed a tweet that said she sounded like a pirate and needed more wine to display along the bottom.