Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Bachelor Sean: Played for a fool

You guys are all ahead of me, no doubt. It's late Tuesday and I just got finished watching Monday's show. I know the next one aired already, but I'll get to that tomorrow. God, I'm glad this 2-fer isn't a regular occurrence. Let's see what I scribbled down during this mess. Sorry for the ancient history.

We learned they would embark on a world-wide journey and were told to pack their bags because they were going to... MONTANA! There were actual oohs and gasps at the very mention of it. Okay, I gotta admit, what they showed was gorgeous but Sean said it was the most beautiful place he'd ever seen. Wasn't he on the season with Emily? So Montana is more beautiful than CuraƧao or London or wherever else they travelled that season? All right, London isn't the most beautiful place in the world but it's got character.

Lindsay got the first – and only – one-on-one date. Who gave her any kind of chance that first episode when she thought it would be funny to wear a wedding gown to meet Sean? Not I. But she's become gradually normal. Their date card read: Let Love Soar. I think that was the spelling anyway. But maybe she did get a 'love sore' on the date and we just didn't see it.

Sean told her he liked her so much because she's not high maintenance and the way he stares into her face with a dumb smile plastered on his mug makes me think she might be the one for him. As he said later in the episode, he can't mask his feelings. It just looks like he's gaga over her.

They drank wine by a roaring fire. If there's any real conversation between the two of them, it's edited out. We get just that flushed face and those lovey-dovey eyes and vacuous comments like, "You're pretty amazing, you know that?" And then they smooch.

No surprise he gave her a rose. He told her he thinks she's going to be such an incredible wife. If she doesn't ultimately get chosen (as appears to be the case from the upcoming season highlights), you could understand why people go home thinking they were led on.

Ring a bell, Lindsay?
But for now, all is groovy. They took a stroll to "downtown" Whitefish, where the entire town was on hand to see a concert by one of the other girls from the house. I mean, it very well could have been. It was just another anonymous country singer trying to get a name by appearing on network TV but I refuse to repeat that name because I'm morally opposed to country music. Anyway, during the performance, Sean and Lindsay mounted a platform in the middle of the crowd and slow-danced. They were digging each other's scene, that's for sure.

Lindsay said, and I quote, Sean is "so good-looking on the eyes." This is why she's still just a substitute teacher and hasn't gotten a full-time gig yet.

Sean said they have a perfect balance of playful and romantic: on one side is his best friend; on the other the love of your life. To borrow a joke from a standup comic (can't think who just now), does this mean if he ever has sex with her, he can then high-five her and tell her who he just nailed?

(If I find out who did that joke – and did it better than I just tried – I'll come back here and edit in his name, giving full credit.)

Next up was the group date. Eight gals on a lumberjack competition. Looks like they stole the idea from Bachelor Canada. Only in Canada, the ladies were all real lumberjacks. As we all are.

As they were walking to it, they see goats. One of them says, "Oh my goodness, are those dogs?" Unfortunately, it was just a voice-over so I don't know who it was. Just as well because if it was one of the girls I like, I think that would ruin it for me.

The Red Team consisted of Selma, Desiree, Sarah, and Robyn.
The Blue Team consisted of AshLee, Lesley, Daniella, and Catherine.

Imagine that: a complete group date with not one crazy person or jerk. That's a solid group right there.

As per usual, the winners would get quality Sean time, while the losers would be bussed immediately back to the hotel... Or would they???

The contest consisted of a canoe race, hay bucking, a literal saw-off, and goat milking. To top it off, the winner would be the first to complete and down a glass of the warm goat milk.

That's when things got a little dirty for network American TV. Lesley said, "I'm gonna chug that goat milk like it's my job." I guess that's what Washington, DC, political consultants do.

Okay, that was perhaps more in my dirty mind than anything she intended. But how about when Selma mimed milking, saying, "Just give it a little..." and Des finished her sentence: "... a little hand--". No, "job" wasn't said, but you could tell by the raucous laughter they all shared what she meant.

And then during the milking, someone said 'nipple'. Again, not a big deal, but America is a place that absolutely lost its shit when Janet Jackson accidentally on purpose gave a brief glimpse of hers and the word was expunged from the language, it seemed. Maybe this marks the first time it's been uttered (uddered??) since.

Lesley's checklist
The Red Team got way behind in the canoes when Robyn and Selma took a circuitous route to the finish. But then the Blue Team fell behind when their bales of hay fell apart. Sabotage? It wasn't mentioned, but I suspect it. Then Red took the lead and held on, right to the end when Desiree poured the warm, white liquid down her gullet for the victory.

Lesley was pissed. And not just because she didn't get to guzzle the fluid: "Weak people piss me off. And losing pisses me off. And not getting more time with Sean pisses me off."

But that wouldn't last. Sean took the winners out and, being a guy who cannot contain his emotions, looked less than pleased with the foursome. So just like he's done all season, he bent the rules and invited the losers to join the party. That didn't sit well with the victors, who didn't get their share of the spoils. Selma thought it was a "crock of shit." She was so mad she invoked the third person. "Not everything is roses in my world," she said, keeping the rose theme to her venom. "I can tell you that right now because when Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry."

When the losers arrived, Sean visibly lit up. "A lumberjack challenge cannot determine who I spend time with," he said. If he were to tell the complete truth, he would have added, "if the team I don't want to win ends up winning." He knew ahead of time what the rules were. I think if the Blue Team had won, he would have abided by the agreed upon rules.

Even though she wasn't invited to the party, Tierrable decided to crash it. Or if not the party, hunt Sean down. She found him talking to the camera, answering questions from a producer. She snuck up behind him and covered his eyes. Surprise! Didn't we call her a stalker from the very first episode?

Earlier, when it was revealed Tierrable and Jackie would go on the dreaded 2-on-1 date, Tierrable smiled cockily and said she loved it. There wasn't a hint of doubt on her face. But she played that card when sneaking out to talk to Sean. She told him she had thought they had something special going and then felt like she got a huge slap in the face with the 2-on-1 selection. "I don't want to be misled. I'm a real person and I have real feelings and I'm very sensitive." And a bit crazy. Oh, and she told us another reason she went to him was because she needed to "see the guy I'm dating." Okay, maybe a lot crazy.

The sweet and lovable Desiree played her displeasure perfectly. She doesn't pout but lets it be known how she's feeling. She keeps her sense of humour throughout. She said, "I'm bummed. I worked my ass off." But she says it with a smile. And not a fake one. A kind of jabbing playful one. She said she thought, "Oh crap, I could have just walked the whole thing and been able to spend time with you." (Although not necessarily, as I pointed out above. He probably would have kept to the rules if Des's team lost.)

But Des got barely a couple minutes with Sean before AshLee interrupted. Sean's been making up rules all season long. How about this one, Sean?:

No interruptions.

Period. You interrupt, you get sent home. Why can't he just tell them ahead of time he's going to spend the same amount of time with each girl? If I were on the show – and is there really any reason why I shouldn't be? – that's the mark I'd leave. I'd be the no-nonsense Bachelor. Well, except for the wee bit of nonsense that I'm not a bachelor.

AshLee said nothing of significance but it didn't matter. Sean got that dopey look on his face again with her. Mark that down: Lindsay and AshLee should go a long way.

With Catherine, the look is almost there, but not quite. Sean says, "All I want to do is snuggle with her." That's neither best friend nor love of your life category, I'm afraid. They walk outside and she sits on his lap. Five simple words, aren't they: she sits on his lap. Not a difficult concept to grasp. You got it on first read, I'm betting. But it was all a little too much for Daniella to comprehend. She walked outside and witnessed this shameful activity and couldn't even process it in her mind. She marched back in to report to Desiree what exactly she saw.
Even Escher could draw people sitting
 on each other's laps

"They're, like, sitting on each other's laps," she said. Picture that, if you can. The best I can do is an M.C. Escher-type painting. It doesn't even make sense.

Okay, maybe she misspoke. It happens to the best of us. Give her a moment to gather herself and rephrase it: "I just felt like, 'Can you get off of her lap?'" Des paused for a second, trying to soak it in, before clarifying that Catherine was, in fact, the one doing the sitting, and Sean was the one providing the lap. That made Daniella cry. I guess not being able to process simple information is overwhelming.

She then got some alone time with Sean, and the tears kept on flowing. She apologized for being so emotional. Sean, a sucker for unstable women, said, "Don't be sorry. You're so sweet. I get where you're coming from." That was enough for Daniella, and she savagely attacked Sean's lips.

And that, in turn, was enough for Sean. He gave the rose to Daniella. Robyn was miffed someone from the losing team got it.

The 2-on-1 was frustrating for us all, I think. Tierrable the Stalker said, "I'm excited to see my husband," and laughed an evil and haunting laugh. They three of them went horseback riding, with Tierrable and Sean riding together while poor Jackie lagged behind. Tierrable said, "Jackie does not know she's on a date with me and my husband."

Jackie felt it best behooved herself to rat out Tierrable to Sean. Yeah, that always works out. Funny thing, though, is Sean would say later how he wants someone to warn him of people. But he felt nobody was being specific enough. Jackie said, "I'd hate for you to fall in love with somebody who's not their true self." Okay, that's pretty vague, granted. Sean asks for specifics and Jackie tells him that Tierrable was flirting with a cute guy at the airport. And Jackie wisely gave caveats, saying she doesn't know if it meant anything or if Tierrable is just a flirty person. Very reasonable and very specific, I think you'll agree.
Sean and Jackie

They kissed after, but it was a craned-neck kiss. Their bodies didn't know about it.

Jackie – who is beautiful, by the way, and seems like a cool person – gave conflicting reviews of the date. Before the commercial break she said, "I feel like it went really well." After the commercial break she said, "Today was an awkward date, I'm not gonna lie."

Jackie's words about Tierrable gave Sean pause. He had lots of questions. So he confronted her. She said she's nervous because "I have the biggest heart. I want to be loved and I can love back." Fairly meaningless words. But Sean read something else in them. He said, "Do you care to elaborate?" I was thinking, elaborate on what? She didn't say anything. But he knew something was up.

Tierrable revealed she was in a relationship with a guy for five years who was in and out of drug and alcohol rehabs. She stuck by his side no matter what because that's the type of person she is (clingy?). But he passed away in 2009 and that's why she's scared. "I attach myself to people I care about."

That was enough for Sean. Desiree nailed it when she said, "I feel he gives roses to the girls who are having a hard time." Because she opened up, she got the rose while Jackie got sent home. What bugged me throughout is that we all knew Tierrable was going to stay because last week's upcoming highlights showed her shivering after being pulled from the frigid waters of Lake Louise... in the next night's episode. Way to take any sense of tension or drama out of the episode, producers. I don't even read spoilers and I knew she got selected so the whole thing was a waste of time.

As Sean walked Jackie to the car, she gave him one more warning about Tierrable for good measure. Then got in the car and cried. She maintained her head, though. She said, "Maybe it's not me but I know it's not Tierra."

In her interview, Tierrable lived up to her nickname, saying about Jackie, "I saw tears form in her eyes" and then let go with her unbridled crazy evil laugh. "My heart melts." And then sang, "I got a rose!" followed by more uncontained laughter.

At the cocktail party, Desiree was her cute self while calling Sean out. He said he felt the group date started out well, and Des answered playfully, "Yeah, until you screwed us over." She called him "unpredictable." Again, using his mind-reading skills, he asked, "What? Keeping Tierra?" Des said, "Um..." and said no more.

Then he got his back up, saying, "If that's the reason, tell me. Don't make me guess." Yeah, because it's worked out so well for everyone else who's told you. She replied that no one knows what he's going to do next or what he really wants. I'd say that's a specific answer, just as Jackie's was about Tierrable's flirting. But Sean hears what he wants to hear. To his ears, no one is saying anything specific.

But why does he even need specifics? If nine other women (plus those who have already been sent home) all have a bad feeling about someone, isn't that enough? Don't we all like or dislike people even though we can't put our fingers on why exactly? If nothing else, Sean should look at the history of the show. Not once has there been a case of group dislike of a good, solid person. And in 100% of the times the herd has shunned someone, that person has always deserved it. Why can't future Bachelors and Bachelorettes remember that?

Feeling the heat, Tierrable got feisty. "I seriously want to punch everybody in that room," she said. It didn't help that, with Tierrable sitting in the group, angelic Desiree said, "Jackie was probably the sweetest person in the entire house. It's hard to watch him send that home." Everyone nodded. Tierrable stormed off to sit by herself by the fireplace.

"I honestly wish I was a fighter because I would beat the shit out of these bitches," she said.

Robyn had enough and told her what's up. She thought Tierrable is a phoney. Lesley, who followed, told T that when someone asks a question, she should respond to them like a normal human being. Tierrable said, "This is ridiculous." She told them that different people handle things differently, then added, "I am not about to get threa'ened. You're insecure, not me!" Spoken like a very secure person.

Then she added something very specific any one of the others could have told Sean about, but no one did: "If I wanna go get engaged, I can easily go get engaged. There are plenty of fucking guys in the world."

Tierrable's checklist
The rage continued. At one point she, herself, threa'ened, saying, "I will bite. I am a Scorpio. I do bite and my stinger does come out when I get pissed." As she was saying this, Sean non-chalantly walked by behind her. Didn't say a word. Didn't acknowledge anyone. Just kept on truckin'.

Des thought Tierrable just needs a Xanax and to be sent home. But she's got a rose. So the producers thought they'd try to make us forget we saw her in an upcoming episode already by suggesting that maybe Sean would send her home anyway. More wasted time given we knew the hypothermia episode has yet to air.

Sean wanted to get to the bottom of it all so he pulled Tierrable aside. Yeah, that'll help. She hasn't fooled you before at all. He asked her why she was so upset. She had a huge smile when she said, "As you walked by you saw me fuming, of course!"

And then she played the victim. Talked about how all the girls are attacking her, how she's not a "drama person", and how frustrating it is for her because "I am such a nice girl." Question: Has any nice girl ever described herself as a nice girl in the history of girlkind? Didn't think so.

Sean didn't want to be naive or played for a fool so he asked the reliable Lesley if she had any specifics that could shed light on the situation. Les said, rightfully, that it's not a simple question to answer. She described Tierrable as "very cold, not engaging." Again, fairly specific.

In his chat with Chris Harrison, Sean lamented that some women want to spend time talking about other women. Can he make up his mind? I thought he wanted them to come forward with specifics, that he wanted to know if he should be warned of anything?

The whole scenario got him thinking maybe he wouldn't find his wife in this group afterall.

Tierrable, Daniella and Lindsay were all safe. Six more roses were handed out, with one going home. In order they went to:

  1. Selma
  2. Catherine
  3. Lesley
  4. AshLee
  5. Sarah
  6. Desiree
That spelled doom for Robyn. She looked at once devastated and defiant. Selma shot a glance at Tierrable and whispered to AshLee, "Be scared." Sean walked Robyn to the awaiting limo. No explanation, just a simple hug and "Best of luck" to send her on her way. On the ride of shame, she said, "What was he thinking? He probably thinks I'm starting drama. I'm not starting crap." She thought she was the perfect woman for Sean. "It hurts," she said.

In upcoming season highlights, it looks like AshLee and Tierra are there at (or near) the end. Again, I don't read spoilers and don't want to know. Which is why, if I'm right, I wish the producers wouldn't aid in the spoiling of their own series. We also saw that Sean got a Dear Sean letter at the altar and said, "I can't believe she did that to me." Who knows what that means?

I can't think that far ahead because I'm already an episode behind. I'll get to that tonight.

1 comment:

Bachelor Betty said...

I'm so glad you did two separate postings. Thanks for the extra effort this week!