Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Bachelor: On a Wing and a Prayer

Well, well, well. Here we are again. I didn’t think I’d be here. And I probably shouldn’t even bother considering I’m a day late. But on Sunday night my wife says, “Are you going to blog about the Bachelor again?” I didn’t even know it was starting. I said no, I probably wouldn’t, but she begged... Okay, maybe not begged, but that’s how I took it.

I had next to no interest in this season because Jake is so dull. So perfectly dull. But what the hell. I play basketball on Monday nights and I can’t sleep right after so I may as well fire up the PVR and settle in for some unintentional comedy.

I probably won’t go on and on as in seasons past. Not sure how I’ll work it. Maybe a few random thoughts per segment (defined here as the show portion between commercials). I can’t spend too much time on this. But knowing me, I will go on and on. I guess we’ll just have to find out.

Alrighty, let’s get this show going. It’s called On the Wings of Love. Get it? Because he’s a pilot, you see. We probably won’t hear too many pilot references so enjoy it while it lasts.

SEGMENT 1: We get to know Jake a little bit. Very little. We know he likes to go shirtless a lot and when he does put a shirt on, it usually has wings on it. We get it. He’s a pilot. A nice guy pilot. His mantra is “Nice guys don’t finish last; nice guys just have to wait a little bit longer.” And nice guys settle, most likely, too. He says he didn’t think he’d be 31 and single, but thinks this is it for real. He’s sure he’ll end up with a fiancée: “I can just feel it!” Oh, poor stiff Jake. Guaranteed, though, he’ll spend more quality time with more women than he’s probably ever even talked to in his entire life this season. (I’m not counting over the P.A. on his plane.)

SEGMENT 2: Chris starts this segment telling us that America was shocked when Jillian sent Jake home. And he managed to keep a straight face. Maybe Bizarro America was shocked but no one in real life was surely.

We get to know a few select women ahead of their entries into Jake’s life. It’s always hard for me (and I assume you) to keep track of these strangers so I need to constantly refer to the characteristics I pick up along the way by assigning them a nickname: On a side note, would it be too much to ask of the producers to not have people with the same name in the same season? It's confusing and entirely unnecessary.
Ali: Cute, 25. Spunky. My front runner. She will herewith be called Front Runner Ali. You know who else was cute and spunky for two seasons running, don’t you? My all-time fave, Jillian.
Alexa, 25, mentions orgasms. Nice looking. She’ll be called Orgasmic Alexa, but not for long because she’s toast.
Tenley, dancer, 25, dancing on the beach. Sounds dumb. Divorced. Stayed a virgin until married. Perfect! Dumb Divorced Tenley it is!
Elizabeth, 29, air force captain. Nice looking. Smart. No fashion sense. I like her! Greatest loves in her life have all been pilots. Air Force Elizabeth, unfortunately, won’t stick around. (No need to write spoiler alert because you all know how it ended up already.)
Rozlyn, 28, model. Beautiful, of course, but my bet to be the one in it for the wrong reasons. She will be Wrong Reason Rozlyn.
Christina, a guy’s girl, and admits to being a little bitchy. Bitchy Christina it is.
Vienna, 23, shapely. Biggest personality, she says, and very intelligent. Loves herself. Currently unemployed. Points for honesty. Spoiled daddy’s girl. He bought her five cars. Tiny dog. What’s with chicks named for European capitals? Vienna is very Paris (Hilton)-like. What to call her... How about Spoiled Vienna? Done.
Ashley, 29, teacher. Not all that good looking but for a teacher she’s got to be considered hot. We’ll call her Professor Ashley.
Elizabeth, 29, nanny. Not to be confused with Air Force Elizabeth. Va-va-va-voom. She’s got the weirdest looking cleavage, though. Does that mean fake tits? Not sure. She says she’s not okay with Jake kissing other girls. So naturally this is the show for her. She's a nanny. And that shall be her name: The Nanny.)
Ella, 29, a southern belle. Looks older than 29. Has a son who she likes to chase around trees. She also boxes. “He is coming home with me,” she announces. And says she’ll knock someone out. Didn’t knock me out. We’ll call her Ella Belle.
Gia, 26, a swimsuit model from NY. Also has been a ballet dancer and done beauty pageants. Still, though, not lucky meeting guys. Yeah, it’s tough being a model. Claims to have had only three boyfriends her whole life. Maybe it’s the freaky facelift she had that scared them off. She’ll be Gia Pet, just because I like the way that sounds.
Kimberly, 24. She never thought in a million years this would happen. And guess what? It didn’t. She didn’t get a rose. Still, we’ll call her... I guess Kimberly. That’s not hard to remember.
Emily, 23, is a fit model, whatever that is. My guess is it doesn’t involve the face. Fit Emily is gone after this episode, too.
Tianna, 31, from Vancouver! Gotta like that. But not too much, because Tianncouver goes home tonight, too.
Caitlyn is a spokesmodel. She says that the experience she has from pageants will allow her to dominate this competition. Uh, not so much. She’s a goner, too.
Kirsten spoke too fast. Doesn’t matter. She’s outta here, too.
Michelle, 25, is cute and natural. Says she’s ready to be a wife. And why not? She’s 25 already. We’ll call her Unbalanced Michelle.

SEGMENT 3: Now here’s something I always wonder about. We start with a scene of Jake showering. How does this play out in real life? Is he naked? Of course not. And if not, it’s all for show. Do the producers ask if he'd mind hopping in the shower? Why would he agree to it?

Jake tells us he’s risking it all for love. What’s the risk? This is a guy who stalls airplane engines for the thrill of it. There’s risk in meeting and making out with a bunch of women and becoming a minor celebrity? Not when the alternative is crying in your pillow on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Jake isn’t a nerd, though, okay? He rides a motorbike. And he’s got abs. My guess is he was the kid who had sand kicked in his face as a kid and vowed revenge. He admits he’s had a lot of first dates. And somewhere in Bizarro America people are shaking their heads in disbelief.

Chris defines non sequitur in a question to Jake, asking if the girl he loves is terrified of flying, would he give it up? Uh... what? Is there a bring-your-wife-to-work day in the airline industry? What possible difference does it make whether she’s terrified or not? But Jake lies and says love is more important. So I guess he’ll just find a new job in that scenario.

SEGMENT 3: Nervous Jake meets the girls. The first car is full of drunken screaming girls. And here we go. We meet them all now:
Wrong Reason Rozlyn, the model, is first out of the limo. Her name means rose, she informs him. He should fasten his seatbelt because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Hey, another flying reference. That’s gotta be the last one, right?
Fit Emily, the fit model. She’s the Mary Ann of this island. But not as cute.
Front Runner Ali lost her voice. Gives a peacock feather. Maybe she said why but I missed it.
Jessie, 25, another Canadian, from Oakville, Ont. She grabs Jake’s biceps and says, “Do you have a registry for these guns?” then gives a flirty little over-the-shoulder look as she walks away. She’ll be Crazy Canuck Jessie. Inexplicably, she sticks around.
Dumb Divorced Tenley looks better but still sounds dumb.

The second car pulls up. Jake waves awkwardly:
Ella Belle, hair stylist, 29, from Tennessee. He loves her accent. She pulls the old “There’s something on your tie” routine and he falls for it. She thought he needed a laugh. Yeah, that always kills. Then she says, “How does it feel to talk to the woman you’re going to marry?” And he gave this woman a rose! Seriously!
Kathryn, 25, is a corporate flight attendant. She’s wearing a hideous purple dress, and sounds hideous, too. She’ll be Kathryn the Faker.
Caitlyn. Nothing to say here but nice back. Plus, she doesn’t last so I don’t need to get to know her.
Air Force Elizabeth. She asks if he prefers to be called Jake or Jacob. Apparently she didn’t watch last season because a grand total of zero people referred to him as Jacob. Then she pulls out a two-headed coin and flips it, telling him heads she stays, tails she goes. Maybe these gals are told to have something witty to say but it all sounds so prepared.
Orgasmic Alexa enters wearing black gloves. She drives a Harley, you see. She’s also dressed like a harlot.
Next out is Spoiled Vienna. She wants a touch of those famous abs so she cops a feel.
Classy Corrie, 23, is a breath of fresh air until she makes a lame joke about Kissimmee, Florida.
Kimberly, from Oklahoma, talks about college football. Not too rehearsed. And by that I mean completely rehearsed.
Valishia, 32, is a homemaker. Wait a second. Run that by me again? A homemaker? A single homemaker? I guess it sounds better than unemployed. She rubs a bit of soil from Texas into his hand. I’ll call her Dirty Valishia.
Gia Pet, the swimsuit model, arrives and poses as she steps out of the limo. Not only is she a swimsuit model/former ballerina/beauty pageant contestant, but apparently she owns a hair salon, too. The modeling’s going well, I guess. When she talks, she doesn’t move her lips. Could be the collagen.

SEGMENT 4: The last ten arrive:
The Nanny (Elizabeth) and her fake boobs greet Jake. She asks him to close his eyes and picture his best place. Thinking on his feet, he says right here. She looks displeased and says hers is snowboarding. Warning: She’s probably the type of girl who gets what she wants. Then again, she’s a nanny, so maybe not.
Channy, 29, needs no nickname. Not just because she’s gone after this episode, but for several reasons: Her name is nicknamey enough, she’s got a set of chompers Mr. Ed would envy, she wore a godawful miniskirt, she’s the only person of colour on this season (there’s always one), she’s the first ever Cambodian contestant, and, as we’ll find out later, she’s into personal grooming, South American style.
Professor Ashley, the teacher, is next. She says she’s a lousy picker of men. That oughta give Jake a extra jolt of confidence.
Tianncouver, 31, is tall. Taller than Jake, I think. No wonder she got the boot. Jake’s a man’s man and doesn’t need no woman standing over him.
Bitchy Christina brings some jelly beans along with her inner bitch. They’re little parting gifts for the girls since she says she’s going to win.
Another Ashleigh joins the group, only spelled differently. Her skirt is slit up to there and she trips into his arms. Oldest trick in the book. She looks like Cameron Diaz after too many drinks. So we’ll call her Ashleigh Diaz.
Next is Kirsten. She tells Jake that Jillian was so stupid for letting him go. She kinda looks like a man.
Stephanie, wearing a mini skirt, walks funny, self-consciously. But she’s a dance teacher. And kinda homely. No matter, she’s gone after tonight, too.
Sheila, a commercial pilot, exits the limo wearing sunglasses. I don’t want to fly with her. She says they’re a pair of aviators and he doesn’t bite. Doesn’t react a bit. No sense of excitement that here’s someone else who also is a commercial pilot. He sends her home, too, along with Air Force Elizabeth, yet keeps Kathryn, a flight attendant. What does that tell you? Jake likes to be the man and be recognized for his unique, manly abilities. He doesn’t need a woman who can do what he can do. He needs to impress the little ladies.
Unbalanced Michelle, flies in acting like a plane. I like her looks. She’s cute and a natural beauty. We’ll also find out she’s mentally unbalanced. Ah, The Bachelor, I knew you could draw me in somehow!

SEGMENT 5: Jake addresses the women inside. It’s a stilted little speech. As
Asheigh Diaz wants some one-on-one time so Jake and her can get a direct flight to romance. Get it? Because he’s a pilot! It’s funny because it’s true!
I knew I liked Front Runner Ali. On the way outside with Jake, she trips over her dress and rips it. She’s also got no voice. She confides she was scared of flying to the point of missing vacations. (Did I ever mention the time I took the bus back from Disneyland rather than getting on the plane?) She’s very refreshing. He likes that she’s different. What’s so different about her, though?
Classy Corrie asks Jake what his top 3 priorities are. He answers God, family, friends, in that order. So his own family and his close friends take a backseat to a mythical man in the sky. Nice.
Channy says he needs a bit of Cambodian fever. Sits him down and utters some beautiful Cambodian phrase, which translates to, “Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip any time.” Which further translates to, “Me love you long time.”
Professor Ashley is willing to do just about anything. So she changes into a saucy stewardess outfit. And damned if she doesn’t look cute, too. She claims to be working on her PhD. Two more classes and she’ll be a professor.
Elizabeth, the fake boobed Nanny, is athletic. She starts tossing a football around with Jake and soon the whole gang joins in. Blondes vs brunettes. I didn’t catch who won but it was the hottest game of football I’ve ever seen.

SEGMENT 6: Unbalanced Michelle lives up to the nickname. Says it’ll kill her if she doesn’t get the first impression rose. "I deserve Jake," she says. Not much make-up.
Spoiled Vienna grabs Jake’s hand and smothers her boob with it so he can feel her, um, racing heart. Outside of softball, that’s probably the first time he’s been to second base. She also gets him to feel her shin and kiss it. If he were wearing jeans, he would have creamed them.
Kathryn the Faker gets her nickname because she wears a wedding ring. She has a pretend fiancée. At least that’s her story and she’s sticking with it. Yeah, not weird at all.
Unbalanced Michelle is already emotional this early into the game. She says she’s put everything on hold to be there. You know, it’s a burden being on national TV.

SEGMENT 7: Jillian and Ed show up still pretending to be a couple. They grill the girls and keep notes. They ask such hard-hitting questions as, “What kind of animal would you be in the bedroom?"
Dumb Divorced Tenley reads off a checklist from a note. Her man must have a big heart, values, be honest, a cuddlebug, very passionate, ready to start a new adventure. She then says she’s a pretty good kisser and desperately asks for one. He thanks her for being vulnerable. Hmm. That didn't look too vulnerable. But maybe it was lost in the editing because later she says she’s only been with one man and teared up because it’s been a while.
Ed really liked Elizabeth, saying she was great looking, a great personality, and was very down to earth and relaxed. Not sure which Elizabeth but I think it must have been The Nanny.
Jill liked Ella Belle, the single mom.
They said to send Unbalanced Michelle home. She’s too emotional. So of course the producers tell Jake he has to keep her. That's the only explanation.
Jake gives the first impression rose to Dumb Divorced Tenley. She got the first kiss and the first rose.

SEGMENT 8: Jake says he likes Unbalanced Michelle but that she’s almost over-sincere. Man, what a humourless couple they would make. Let’s make it happen, people! But he’s gonna let his heart lead. He knows his future wife is in that room.

SEGMENT 9: The final rose ceremony. Dumb Divorced Tenley is already in. Fourteen others to follow, in this order:

1. Dumb Divorced Tenley
2. Ella Belle
3. Elizabeth the Nanny and her fake boobs
4. Front Runner Ali, who looks surprised. God love her.
5. Spoiled Vienna
6. Bitchy Christina
7. Gia Pet and her fake face
8. Professor Ashley
9. Wrong Reason Rozlyn
10. Crazy Canuck Jessie
11. Classy Corrie
12. Dirty Valishia, looking homely
13. Ashleigh Diaz
14. Kathryn the Faker
15. Unbalanced Michelle. It’s the first time she’s smiled all night. Future stalker.

Who’s gone? This is the part the show could improve upon. They always feature a few of them as they leave, but I’m always unclear who didn’t make it. Thank God I took notes. Tianncouver got the hook. There goes cheering for the home team. Fit Emily feels incomplete, just like her run on this series. She cries. Because that’s what you do. And Kimberly was shocked. The others not invited back next week to this locality were Caitlyn, Orgasmic Alexa, Air Force Elizabeth, Channy's landing strip, Kirsten, Stephanie, and Sheila the Aviatrix.

That’s it. Upcoming highlights reveal that someone has kids, someone’s a virgin, someone’s been having a sexual affair, and someone’s going to cry. And Jake bends over a railing and cries, as per Bachelor protocol. He goes to hell and back. And I believe that’s a direct flight. We’ll be with him the whole way.