Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Miss Emily infects everyone

"What is a hoe?"
I'm a little late this week. Sorry about that. Hope it didn't ruin your day not being able to read my rosy prose first thing in the morning. So let's not waste any time and go with The Bachelorette for 500, please, Alex.

Miss Emily had a bad cold, apparently, but it wasn't mentioned until halfway through the show. For the longest time, I thought they had dubbed Jillian Harris's voice in. In fact, I tweeted as much during the show and the lovely Jillian (aka the greatest Bachelorette in the history of The Bachelorette) tweeted back the following:
The raspy Ms. Harris
hahha y is my voice so raspy!? Big energy small vocal chords I guess
 Yes, that's right, Jillian obviously has a thing for me. She won't leave me alone!

Anyway, back to Miss Emily, who is beautiful in her own right. Although I gotta say maybe a little less beautiful than before. Not because of her cold but because of her attitude. But we'll get to that. I always like to tackle the show in order.

This episode took place in London. England, that is. (This fall will mark the debut of Bachelor Canada and I heard that all the "exotic locales" will take place in the country. Sure, we're the second largest country in the world, but I daresay London, Ontario, ain't quite the world class city that its British counterpart is.)

Little Ricki made her requisite appearance off the top, strolling the streets with her mom, but she was never far from the action on this night.

Safe smooching
The first one-on-one date went to Selective Sean. I got a couple of comments about him last week about him implying he's looking to be the boss of a family. Is that the gist of it? I missed that. Anyway, I don't doubt it. But Miss Emily thinks he's just about perfect. He's the "whole package" and "marriage material." And he's into her so much that he willingly accepted her contaminated saliva into his own mouth, ensuring we're going to hear raspy-voiced Sean in a week or so. But he's not alone. Miss Emily infected many of the others with her virus. All I could think of was Howie Mandel and how I'd love to see a germophobe on that show. See how long he'd last politely declining a kiss for fear of catching something.

In continuing Bachelor/ette custom, where the date must act totally gobsmacked at whatever wonderful adventure lies in wait, Selective Sean could not believe his eyes when an actual double-decker bus pulled up to whisk them away on their sightseeing escapade. "No way!" he beamed, unaware that practically every city in the world has a topless double-decker sightseeing bus option. Good thing there was no helicopter or he might have fainted.

My favourite part of their date was listening to Miss Emily tell Selective Sean all about this city she'd never been to before and had spent as much time in as Sean. "This is Buckingham Palace. This is where Queen Elizabeth lives. This is where Kate and William kissed on the balcony... This is the Tower of London. This is where Henry VIII used to lock up all of his wives..." What a fountain of knowledge that girl is! Her mind is a sponge for information.

Sean reiterated his selective nature, saying his last date was four or five months ago, and it was only one date. No reason given other than he's selective. And maybe the woman was spooked by him saying he wants some followers. And prior to that disastrous date, it was a year before he had another date. Alright, so maybe it really is that he's picky. But he's not hideous. He seems likable. Has a decent sense of humour. What gives? Shy? Maybe. But if so, why would he subject himself to national television? Rather, methinks there might be some good ole red flags here. Or maybe I'm just being cynical.

The blond couple past Speaker's Corner in Hyde Park so Sean hopped up and started madly telling everyone about eternal love. He left out the part about demanding followers who must heed his every word, for fear of spooking away the lovely Miss Emily. She stood there vacantly smiling as he pontificated to the masses.

Needless to say, Selective Sean got a rose.

Next up was the group date of destiny. This one had so much import it got a whopping four segments. Of course, in a continuing effort to eliminate any sense of surprise to the proceedings, we've known for a week that someone would be graciously asked to leave (or "Get the fuck out," as the genteel and ladylike Miss Emily ever-so-delicately put it) and it didn't take us long to figure out who. So in segment one, we heard every one of Kondescending Kalon's eye-rolling comments. They started out small and built from there. First he was doing a riff on Shakespeare's (and the date card's) "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet" with "to me it smells like shit." Then he told us he's taking the Romeo & Juliet scene everyone would perform very seriously right before Miss Emily said she wants a guy who doesn't take himself too seriously.

Then it built some more: When he and Ryan were "rehearsing", Miss Emily paid them a visit and Sleazy Ryan went to work on her. Feeling a bit left out and jealous, Kondescending Kalon took out his frustrations on the defenseless single mother, saying, "We need to get back to rehearsals. You can run along."

Continuing on, he sloughed off spending quality time with her by referring to Miss Emily as "an exhausted, sick mother."

Not Little Ricki
Alright, so it was no surprise who the subject of her scorn was. I thought maybe we'd actually witness firsthand his grievous slight but apparently it wasn't caught on film. Creepy Chris just started telling everyone that Kondescending Kalon had referred to Little Ricki as "baggage." When he told Daddy Dougie, the single father immediately confronted the entitled spoiled manchild. Stubbornly, Kalon said he wasn't going to apologize for what he said, but tried to explain what he meant, saying that Little Ricki is a "responsibility." Fair enough. I get what he's saying. I think he's a bit of a dolt for not knowing the connotation "baggage" has, but I don't think it was as bad as everyone was making it out to be.

Daddy Dougie wouldn't listen to any explanation. He just rushed to Miss Emily to tell her. He doesn't tell her Kalon's rationalization or explanation for his usage, either. Miss Emily is livid. Not sure why. I have a kid who I adore and if someone called him baggage, I'd just think they were jerks, maybe, but it wouldn't shake me to my core. Judging from the date, Kalon wouldn't have been picked regardless. Anyway, Miss Emily felt the need to march in and challenge him. And then... they cut to commercial! What was going to happen, I wonder?! We'd have to wait two minutes!

No, check that. We already knew. We knew for a week what would happen. There was no wondering. No sense of drama or mystery. The show still hasn't grasped the concept of spoiler alerts.

Yes, she tosses Kalon out. She wouldn't even listen to his explanation because she knew there was no conceivable explanation that could turn her huge blessing into baggage.

Alright, fair enough. But then Miss Emily took that same anger that should have been directed 75% at Kalon and 25% at the producers for continually casting for drama over real love, and she directed it at the rest of the guys on the date. You see, they had known about this for a full day yet nobody said a word to her. She wants someone to have her back (unlike, say, Ben, who wanted his ladies to focus on themselves and not others). So now we can look forward to weeks of guys parading to her to rat out the others over perceived slights and miscommunications. Yay us!

Miss Emily was so ticked, she didn't hand out a rose. Instead, she went off and pouted. Over-react much?

This? Really?
The final one-on-one date went to young One-F Jef. At least he left his walking shorts and knee socks at home (although he brought his jacket elbow pads). They had tea and biscuits under the watchful eye of an etiquette teacher until they had enough of being under a microscope and escaped to a pub where Jef miraculously wasn't ID'd. While there, One-F Jef proved to be a quick thinker, and surprisingly deep given his youthful appearance. He said, "If Ricki's baggage," – and the pause here was uncomfortable. Would he be able to save himself having already accepted the possibility that she is, indeed, baggage? – "then she's a Chloe handbag I want to have forever." Nice save, dude! Miss Emily loved it. Now she just wanted him to "show me rather than tell me he's into me."

They went for dessert in some contraption called the London Eye, which is a huge, futuristic kind of Ferris Wheel. Perhaps not getting the joke, Jef said, "I want to take our relationship to the next level." Or maybe he did and was being completely literal.

It was here that my wife pointed out to me Miss Emily's vocal go-to move. I'm really bad at picking these things up, but sure enough she said it a few more times after: "I know, right?" Maybe next week we can put the counter on all the "I know, right?"s she utters.

Early in the show, Chris Harrison told the ten remaining guys that one of them will become Emily's husband. Someone should let Emily know. When Jef asked her where she saw herself in a year, her first response was that she'd hope to have a boyfriend. Hmm, and who exactly isn't taking this seriously?

But young Jef proved to be impressive and level-headed. Who knew! Keep this up and he might just get to be valedictorian at his high school graduation.

He does like to talk, though. In fact, he almost talked himself out of a kiss, while talking about wanting to kiss her. But he eventually went in for the kill. Miss Emily backed away but obliged, all the while arching her back away from him. It looked like a real kiss, though, until it ended and she gave him a "nice try" pat on the shoulder.

Yes, One-F Jef got a rose.

With Kalon gone, and two roses already handed out, six more would advance, leaving one lonesome loser to make the limo drive of shame. Who would it be? Wolfman John was wearing bright red pants to match his navy blue blazer. Would that do it? Ryan was flamboyantly sporting a scarf. So there's another possibility. But it was neither. The roses went in order to:
  1. Daddy Dougie, for being King Rat
  2. Sleazy Ryan, for relentlessly working his sleaze until she caved
  3. Creepy Chris, for spreading the right rumour
  4. Wolfman John, despite his wardrobe
  5. Travis, for being appropriately anonymous (was he the Egg Man?)
  6. Speed Racer Arie, for being Arie
That means the mushroom farmer Alejandro/Alessandro was the odd man out. I'm sure it was just that he was the last visible minority left and had to go. He took it like the Latin lover he is. Onward and upward.

The upcoming highlights again leave little to our imaginations. We're led to believe that next week the sharks are out for Creepy Chris. He looks evil and untrustworthy. But then they go and show highlights from later this season and there's Chris. So we know he's sticking around next week. As are Ryan, Arie, Jef and Sean. I guess that means game over for Travis and the Wolfman.