Thursday, August 25, 2016

Bachelor in Paradise: The tears of a clown

Here ye, here ye, court is now in session. We sit here in judgment of the lost souls on Bachelor in Paradise.

This week's two episodes focussed a lot on Ashley and her run-free mascara. The woman who said she'd try to limit her crying to thrice in total surpassed that unattainably low number on the first day. Or are the cries so long in duration that she's still on her first one?

She started out pathetic and quickly turned conniving. Her wailing to Jared about how she'll never find anyone as perfect as him backfired. He just said he can't keep having this conversation. Throughout the show, he talked to her, though and said what good friends they are. Why, though? Who needs friends like that?

It was bad enough when she was just coo-coo for Cocopuffs over him, but then she got nasty. What was she thinking? She tried several times to sabotage his relationship with wonderful Caila. Like, she admitted to us, the viewers, explicitly that. She outright lied to him and about them on numerous occasions. Let's say her plan worked and he and Caila split up and he came running into Ashley's arms. As soon as the season aired, he'd know what's up and there's no way he could stick around. Even now, she's probably ruined their friendship. Or she would have with any non-sap friend.

Ashley said she had hoped to meet someone new. But since that didn't happen within the first 15 seconds of her time in Paradise, she just knew Jared was the only one for her.

When Jared goes to Caila, they kiss. In the background, we hear Ashley bawling. But keep in mind this is like Josh's moans, i.e. an editing trick. They have the audio of her crying. She probably was crying at the same time (because she always is). So they just dubbed it in. There's no way Caila and Jared wouldn't have at least given a look her way or said something if they heard it.

I wonder what a reality TV show would be like if they did it documentary style. I mean, even documentaries are edited for interest's sake but they're not (usually) completely contrived. Maybe such a venture would die a miserable death but I'd like to see one that tried. Don't insult the viewers' intelligence.

Another storyline was the burgeoning relationship between Evan and Carly. He's really grown on her. That would be great if they came out of this a real-life couple if for nothing else than to show the non-reality-TV-watching world that not all contestants are gorgeous young and vapid models.

Carly and Evan actually kissed. For realsies this time! More than once!

Then there was Daniel. When he was on The Bachelorette, I wasn't a fan. But he's sure gotten the better edit this time around. The guy is funny. He made a horrible choice, though. The men were in control so he had to choose between Sarah, Ashley or the twins. Sarah baked him a half-birthday cake and seemed to really dig him. She asked him if he'd lick the frosting off her. Yes, Sarah said this! She's really loosening up. Daniel coldly, but humorously, says, "We'll see." Sarah asked, "What's there to think about?" Daniel says it depends if she had a shower or not.

Why are the twins still a 2-for-1 rose? And why is nobody complaining about this? Not that I (or anyone else) can tell them apart.

The twins say they can't compete with a cake. This is true. But what they have on their side is 1.5 brains. So Emily tells Haley she has to kiss Daniel. No way. Haley couldn't possibly. Emily keeps at her and Haley relents, saying he's not the ugliest person she's ever kissed. She'll do it for a rose. Emily says Haley will love it and swallow it.

So she sits down at the throne of Papa Bear and stiffly talks to him. You know, Carly says Evan has now swag. I say the twins have zero swag. Anyway, at the end of her awkward talk with Daniel, Haley goes in for a very brief kiss on the lips, saying, "I'll leave you with that." Then tells the cameras that, "I think my sister and I are safe because of these magical lips."

As crazy as it seems, Daniel fell for it. But you could understand his dilemma. He had three fetishes to choose from: twins, a virgin, and someone with one hand. He went with the twins.

Before the rose ceremony, Ashley was fretting about going home. "What is there I could do to not go home tonight?" she asked. Oh, I dunno. Maybe be normal for half an hour? Too much to ask? Yeah, I thought so.

Ash talks to Daniel and he's even harsher than Nick. Jared says Jared is ugly. "You don't want to settle for ugly guys." Then he suggests she "slut it up" a little bit. You know, sleep around. Have some fun. "Better to learn at this age than when you're 40," he says.

At the rose ceremony, it went thusly:
  • Grant gave his rose to Lace
  • Josh groaned his rose to Amanda
  • Nick handed his to Jen
  • Vinny naturally gave his to the love of his life, Izzy
  • Evan bequeathed his to Carly
  • Jared made the best choice with Caila
  • Daniel split his with the twins
So Sarah and Ashley were sent home. Sarah thought she got played the fool. But she leaves. That's more than we can say about Ashley. Ash got in the car and blubbered for a bit then told the driver to stop. She got out and returned to the celebrating couples and asked if she could return. She's turned over a new leaf, she informs them. And they agree to let her back in the fold. And the producers had absolutely nothing to do with this! Repeat: The producers had absolutely nothing to do with this! Repeat: The producers had absolutely nothing to do with this!

How unfair is it for poor Sarah. This show, and all its iterations, keeps saying there are no rules even when there are. Obviously not everyone can just refuse to go. If they did, it would be chaos. But you know, Emily is there, too, and she got no rose, so maybe it's cool.

In the morning, Nick tells Ashley to be her best self the rest of the time. And from that point on, she was a deceitful witch.

Time for some new blood. A tattooed yob named Carl entered. Totally Emily's type. She gets to go on a date with him.

Then Brett and a lamp enter. Apparently the guy brought a lamp with him when he met Andi. I don't remember that. Izzy loves what Brett is bringing. Not the lamp. She's overwhelmed at how attracted she is to him. But Brett was hoping for Caila. And there she is! Phase 1 of Operation Ashley goes into effect. She tells Brett he should ask Caila on the date. Anyone's an option. "Ask whoever you want to ask out," she says.

So he does. Jared's shoulders physically sank when Brett asked Caila on a date. Caila says she can't not give Brett a chance. He's fun and charismatic. But she has to ask Jared first. Jared goes into full passive aggressive mode, saying it's up to her.

Okay, that worked. She's not going! Phew! Jared really dodged a bullet there! He kisses her a ton, even though her mouth is tight like she doesn't want kisses from him. Then she says she's unsure of how she feels so she decides to go on the date after all.

Poor Jared!

She goes back to Brett and tells her she's not going. Phew! Jared dodged a second bullet! She came to her senses!

She and Brett go for a little stroll during which time she decides, what the hay, she'll go on the date.

But they keep walking and she flip-flops again. She'll stay back with Jared. Lucky Jared! A third bullet dodged!

They keep walking and Caila decides maybe she'd like to go on the date, after all.

Poor Jared!

And that's her final answer. Off they go on their double-date with Emily and Clark... No, Kevin... No, it's Carl. That's it. (Nobody can remember his name, not even his date, Emily.)

Jared thinks karma is kicking him in the ass since he went on lots of dates with women and ended all the relationships. Ashley, needless to say, is loving it.

The double-dating tandem are on a booze cruise with a bunch of people they don't know. It's not even that big a boat. But they're dancing and grinding. Emily has her legs wrapped around Carl's midsection. "She's riding him like Seabiscuit," said Brett. I love a good 60-year-old pop culture reference.

So everyone is whooping it up except the graceful (if indecisive) Caila. More power to her. She says not a single person who knows her would predict she'd party it up on a booze cruise. She becomes more lovable by the second.

Ashley "comforts" Jared telling him he can cry if he wants to. Why is he even talking to her? He even tells her he's glad she came back to Paradise. And she repeats that Caila is a "backstabbing whore."

But Jared doesn't know Caila's not having a blast. She regrets going on the date. When she returns to what passes for civilization, she tells Jared she went on the date because she felt she should. Huge relief. Meanwhile, Ashley is lurking, eavesdropping on her worst nightmare. Cue the bawling.

Haley, who received Daniel's rose, thinks Daniel is strange. She's not connected to him at all. A new guy shows up. Ryan, dubbed The Silver Fox by Daniel, says he's best remembered on The Bachelorette for not being remembered. Ah, he's that one! He's a self-described normal guy with bad jokes, bad dancing, and no game. This is what Haley likes. She and Emily, alike in so many ways, couldn't be more different in their tastes for men.

After talking with Ashley, Ryan immediately realizes he should not ask this possessed woman out so he asks Haley. Despite promises to the contrary, Papa Bear can't stop the Silver Fox from stealing the Pigeon. Brett and Haley go horseback riding.

Meanwhile, back in Paradise, Grant has prepared a romantic surprise for Lace. It's his and hers massages. Then they hit the hot tub where he professes his love for her. He wants a future with her. He tells her a few times, "I love you." Flat out. To Lace. Uh huh. Tears stream down her face. Lace being Lace responds with, "More champagne, please!"

The other big storyline was Vinny and Izzy, an item since day one. Inseparable. But now she's got the hots for Brett. He's her "perfect man." She says she has "certain doubts" about Vinny so why can't she explore something else? She doesn't want to live with regrets. She tells Vinny she's at 75 percent. She tells him when Brett walked in she flipped because he's very attractive. Ouch. That's gotta hurt.

Vinny is heartbroken. Wants to leave. Even Carly can't understand it. "How did the lamp guy break up the strongest couple in the house?" she says. Then again, Carly is with Evan, so, you know.

Vinny, in a rare move, actually leaves after saying he wants to leave. The man has integrity. Izzy says she feels like a shitty person. But only because she is. It'd be so sweet if things don't work out between Izzy and Brett.

Jade and Tanner, who got engaged in Paradise last year, show up to give everyone a glimpse into Relationships Future. They have a date card to hand out but want to talk to every couple first so the most deserving gets it.

Grant and Lace didn't do well. Lace is building her wall. Afterwards, they talk. Grant says, "I've told you how I feel about you." Lace says warmly, "I'm aware. You repeat yourself a lot, Grant." Yeah. One "I love you" should last a lifetime.

Josh and Amanda are next. Josh says Amanda's a great mother. "All she does is talk about her kids," he says. I assume he means when he takes his tongue out of her mouth long enough for her to say something.

Caila and Jared look the best together in front of the judging couple. Caila snuggles into Jared's side nicely, not in an overbearing or "look at us" kind of way. Naturally. They don't try too hard.

Ashley, for some reason, gets an audience with Jade and Tanner, too, even though she's on her own. She called herself the "least desirable woman in the kingdom." But then she slyly (she thinks) makes little digs at Caila in hopes that the date card won't be awarded to them. She tells Jade and Tanner that Caila is a faker and isn't as into Jared as he is into her.

Guess who gets the date card? Caila and Jared. Nothing works for Ashley. Love it. Ashley, though, is a God-fearing woman through and through. She clasps her hands together and speaks to her Lord and creator: "Dear God. Please hope [sic] that Jared realizes that Caila sucks and that I'm a lot more fun and she's a piece of shit." Such a pious young lady.

They go on a date to the same place Jade and Tanner fell in love. Ash is beside herself. She even has nice-ish things to say about Caila: "Caila has the sex appeal that I don't. She is the flirty sexy girl and I am like... not sexy." Yeah, if you had to describe Caila, you'd say she's a "flirty sexy girl." Ashley also says if they got a fantasy suite, it would "literally murder" her.

But she's still got tricks up her sleeve. She knows Jared better than Caila, she says, so knows how to get a reaction out of him. "I can make out with his mind," she says. "I can dig deep in him. It's fun to threaten her."

She tells Jared that Caila isn't that into him, says she just likes being on TV, and finally, is "not awesome." Old Botox Head accusing someone else of just liking to be on TV... That's rich!

Jared goes back to dear sweet Caila with this nonsense. He even has the temerity to say that Ashley doesn't say bad things about Caila. I guess Jared thinks being a backstabbing whore is a compliment.

Caila then talks to Ashley, who says she wants to scratch Caila's eyes out when Caila refers to her and Jared as "we." That's quite some leaf she turned over!

Carly and Evan went on a date to a sweat lodge, let's not forget about that. He's never felt this way about a girl before. Carly asked him if he had lots of girlfriends in high school. He said he had a "few long-term ones." How freaking long was this guy in high school?!

In the sweat lodge, Evan says, "I really want to pursue you." Odd phrasing, but he was hot and sweating and probably wasn't thinking clearly. Carly says she's fallen more and more for Evan every single day. They have a long steamy kiss. Another real one. Her lady boner is finally back, she says.

I also watched After Paradise starring Glib and Dull but there was nothing to report. Vinny and Izzy were both on it but I don't know where they stand. The most interesting thing was when Nick said he has a terrible diet. Glib asked him what he eats, then promptly interrupted him so we'll never know.

And that's that.