Sunday, October 12, 2014

Bachelor Canada: Your Ad Here

The good part about being so late last week is that now when I'm only three days overdue, I look like a keener. I think it's fitting, though, that I post this on the Canadian Thanksgiving. It's like American Thanksgiving but not as in-your-face. Just like Bachelor Canada compared to The Bachelor. But enough chit-chat. Let's get on with the show.

The gang was in Nassau in the Bahamas this week. This gave Tim licence to don his off-white pants and roll them up calf-high. Add to this already fantastic look: dress shoes sans socks.

Bachelor Canada has nowhere near the budget or support of the original American version. If you didn't cotton on to that fact earlier, you certainly would have this episode when the limo pulled up with advertising on its door for a website with a .ca extension. Whatever works, I guess. Even if it doesn't.

They even got the contestants to read ad copy for them and mask it as normal speech. Tell me if this sounds natural. Trish said, "I'm so excited to be here at Sandals Royal Bahamian Resort with Tim!"

And to top it off, the date card has that same Canadian website advertiser on it. It's all so low-rent it's embarrassing. No wonder Tyler Harcott hasn't shown up in the past couple of episodes, including tonight. Maybe he needs sponsorship badges all over his suits like race car drivers.

Speaking of the date card, it was a one-on-one and it went to Prim & Proper Natalie. Lisa the Red spent the episode bad-mouthing sweet Nat. She said, "She wants this bad. It feels like this is her last kick at the can at love." Yes, at 27, Natalie better get on it. The clock's ticking. Lisa, at the sprightly age of 25, has years and years left in the love tank.

Tim said he was waiting for that spark with Natalie because the last time they spoke, it felt more like an interview. I think that's just how she talks. Not an interview so much as a teacher talking to her very young pupils. So Tim thought he'd go the old alcohol route. They ambled over to the Daiquiri Shack and got drinks to go. That'll loosen her up.

She felt they had a deep connection. But their conversation was stilted. Drinks in hand, he asked her, "How's the room?" She replied "I'm trying to mix it." Tim was trying to process her answer when she ran it back in her head and realized he didn't ask how the rum was. He was clearly asking about the whole situation, the relationship with all the other women, etc. But she answered, "Oh, my room is great." With that electric connection, talk turned to the weather.

Tim said, "She just won't relax." Lisa the Red was back at the Sandals Royal Bahamian Resort (sorry, couldn't resist) talking shit. That's right, she used her favourite expression again, saying Natalie was "fucking bat-shit cray." She said if Natalie came back with a rose, she'd walk off the show. Not only that, "I may actually vomit in my mouth."

The others, all supportive and polite Canadians, were getting tired of Lisa's shtick. And Trish admitted she was "a bit scared of Lisa."

Meanwhile, Natalie said, "My vibe from Tim is that he's quite interested." Actually, Tim couldn't look less interested if he tried. Her vibe-o-metre is wonky.

They walked along the beach and Tim wasn't feeling com-fort-a-ble. Yes, he uses four syllables for the word, like someone just learning the language. Or maybe he just wanted to talk to Natalie on her level. I'm sure that's how she'd over-pronounce the word, too. He told her that he wouldn't be giving her the rose, that he needs more time. Got that? No rose, but she wouldn't be going home. But Natalie was upset. She said she'd rather go home now than at a rose ceremony. She wasn't thinking clearly. It's possible someone else might implode (hello Kaylynn!) or otherwise take themselves out of the running and Natalie might end up getting a rose. But Tim wasn't going to pressure her to stay. So off she went.

In her exit interview, she said she was tired of being vulnerable. And you knew she was really upset because the Prim & Proper one said, "I need to open up my effing eyes and realize what the hell is going on." She actually said "effing" just like that. To her credit, she didn't say "H-E-double-hockey-sticks" but I wish she did.

Back at the Sandals Royal Bahamian Resort, Lisa was on a roll with her trash-talking. April didn't like it. "Lisa's being a bully and it's hard to deal with," she said. Lisa was saying things like, "Her voice annoys the shit outta me. She's completely socially awkward," when who should walk in the door crying but Natalie. She came to say goodbye. As she told them the news, Lisa gasped, put her hand to her mouth, then was the first to get up and rush over to Natalie to hug her. As she was hugging Natalie, Lisa said, "You're one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever met." She graciously left out the part about her voice annoying the shit outta her.

The others couldn't believe what they were witnessing. Trish called Lisa a Jeckyll and Hyde. "She's a wiry, fiery devil and I don't trust her at all."

The group date was Kaylynn, April, Lisa, Dominique and Seashell. Trish and Rileigh were shut out. They went on a snorkelling adventure. You know, to look at turtles. Kaylynn, who likes to keep close tabs on her mood swings, announced, "I'm so happy right now!" But that was before she found out they'd be going shark diving. With no cage.

I didn't know that was a thing. You certainly don't hear about it on Shark Week, unless something goes terribly wrong. There were about twenty of the creatures swimming around looking all shark-like.

Kaylynn's mood shifted quickly, as it does. "I'm extremely terrified of sharks!" she said. Uh, who isn't? Seashell said, "Kaylynn is a bit of a drama queen and attention seeker. No one likes that." Nailed it. But her fear wouldn't draw any attention from Tim because when she got out of the water after a close brush with the big fish, all the other girls were already on the boat.

Except April. She and Tim swam alone romantically amongst their potential killers.

Then he took them to a private island to unwind. Dominique finally got some air time. She could use it, too, because she didn't have much time for air with that hot and steamy kiss she shared with Tim. She led with her tongue and his probed back for an uncomfortably long time.

Kaylynn came along and interrupted. Dominique got what she came for and gladly got up and went back to the others to report on her passionate lip-lock. April wasn't impressed. Apparently Dominique was with Tim for all of ten minutes. And Trish was shocked, too.

Kaylynn said, "I had my breakdown. It's out of my system." Because that's usually how those things go. You have one, then you're all good for the rest of your life. She told Tim she wanted to kiss him. His lips were probably still numb from Dominique and he hadn't moved an inch, but he told her he wouldn't stop her. That must be his lucky kiss chair. So off they went, moments after Dom was there, on another kissing adventure. Kaylynn must have tasted Dominique but didn't know it. Holding Tim's head post-kiss, she said, "I feel so happy."

April then came to interrupt and dragged Tim from his lucky kiss chair to go sit on swings. We didn't see that because it's only an hour show and we needed to see Kaylynn find out that her kiss came on the heels of Dominique's. To her credit, she didn't break down and she didn't report on how she was feeling at that moment. But she did say, "Shit, this just got real."

The last two women went on a two-on-one date. And as per custom, only one would stick around. My prediction pre-date was that Rileigh would be the one to go.

They took off on a yacht. Tim stole Rileigh away first. The Foul-Mouthed Philosopher hasn't been so foul-mouthed in recent episodes but she's still a philosopher. She told Tim she got into more advanced philosophy and "it'll blow your mind." Then she said, without a trace of irony, "I'm actually super smart." I was getting more and more confident with my prediction.

Trish told Tim she had been engaged to a guy she'd gone out with for eight years, but she just wasn't ready and called it off. Tim appreciated the connection.

They took a smaller boat to a table on a beach complete with a butler holding a champagne bottle. But it was a table for two, meaning it was decision time for Tim. He addressed Trish first and she looked horrified and broken up. Rileigh, the super smart one, was lit up.

But Tim gave the rose to Trish. Rileigh stayed smiling and it seemed genuine. She was definitely philosophical about it. She hopped back on the boat and wished them well. Trish and Tim peeled off their clothes and ran into the water and kissed. I guess his chair was underwater.

So with Natalie and Rileigh gone, there were six at the rose ceremony. Trish already had a rose. Dominique, despite the series' most passionate kiss, felt confident she was going home because out of every other girl, she's the one who spent the least amount of time with Tim. Hey, girl, it's quality, not quantity that counts.

Tim called it a "daunting" decision. The roses went in order to:

  1. Seashell
  2. Lisa the Red
  3. April
At this point, Kaylynn looked down and shook her head. She knew there was only one rose to go and it was between her and Dominique. No doubt, she was also thinking that Dominique got in her kiss before she did.

Tim said he needed a minute then walked back purposefully to the producers. Not Tyler, because Tyler has been MIA for a few episodes now. Kaylynn said, "What the fuck's he doing?"

But not to worry, dear worrier, he came back with an extra rose. You got it: everyone would be getting one. "I'm not willing to let you guys go. Not yet," he told them. So the ceremony continued:

     4. Dominique
     5. Kaylynn

I thought it was telling that Dominique went first, but then when we saw Kaylynn getting hers, Dominique looked dejected and wasn't holding one. So who knows what fancy editing tricks were going on.

Tim then informed everyone they were going to... Toronto! Enough of the world nonsense. They all feigned excitement.

In the upcoming highlights, it looks like Natalie returns. Can't say for sure but that's my best guess. Should be good. I'll try to be even earlier next week. No promises, though.