Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Jillian is still with Dead Ed. They seem happy. Say they’re going to get married within the year. I’m so happy for them. But let’s go through the After the Final Rose episode.
At the mere mention that Jillian accepted Ed’s proposal, the live studio audience goes wild... Sorry. Typo. I meant ‘goes mild.’ That was the kind of response you give to your best friend when they tell you they’re marrying a dullard. Feigned joy. It’s hard to do. Well done, studio audience.
First out is the ever-adorable Melissa. God, she’s cute. She talked of being embarrassed at how last season played out. Chris admitted stalking her on the set of Dancing with the Stars where he met some dude named Todd, who has since gone on to become her best friend. Or something like that. But she’s happy and that’s all that matters. The process was one of the best things that ever happened to her in her entire life, she says. Jason Mesnick made the right choice. Meow!
Next up is Kiptyn, who still looks like a broken man. No embarrassed smiles from him. Just a heavy sigh after watching what transpired at the final rose ceremony. The wind is still knocked out of him, he admits. He says he clearly fell in love and was real all the way through. He meant what he said. And he’s still got love for Jillian. And... sorry, I dozed off there.
They meet again for the first time since that fateful day. Jillian tells him he didn’t do anything wrong. He says no hard feelings. He’ll never stop appreciating the woman she is. He’s all class, that guy. Boring but classy.
That was a short segment. Reid stole Kiptyn’s thunder. Clearly Reid is a fan favourite. He’d make a most entertaining Bachelor, unlike Kiptyn.
Chris announces, “America was shocked by Reid’s unexpected return.” Only brain-injured Americans with short-term memory problems who didn’t watch the previews the previous week. Who was shocked? We all knew it was happening.
Reid enters with a big smile. He is Mr. Popularity. But I was surprised that during the clips of his embarrassing return, he didn’t give any wiseguy smiles while watching. He sat there and bit his lip. He told Chris that he was experiencing the same emotions that he felt at the time. We can only assume those were emotions of love followed by heartbreak.
Lots of people in cyberspace say Reid looks like Chandler on Friends. Not at all. He reminds me so much of Michael Keaton, as I wrote at the beginning of this season. His mannerisms, everything. Seriously. And Michael Keaton will always be way cooler (and funnier) than Greg Brady (Ed).
He says he didn’t think he had too much competition. I’m with him. I hope Jillian was listening backstage.
When she enters, they embrace and he’s all flirty. Every time she looks at him, he gives her a knowing smile with a twinkle in his eye. I think he still thinks he could get her.
He asks her if she was really confused that day he returned to profess his love. Jill started talking, but didn’t answer the question. She eventually got to the same line she told Kiptyn about wanting him to be happy.
That was about it as far as questions for her. Reid says, “You made your decision. That’s how it works. I’ve got to accept that. There are no questions that are going to change anything.” Yes, there are, Reid! Jillian is speechless. She’s still looking like she just needs to be asked. Ask her, Reid! Ask her now! Ask her to leave Ed! Do it for us!
Not gonna happen. He admits that he still loves her and her look seems to say she realizes she made a mistake. Ah, sweet regret. But she says she feels like she’s with the person she’s meant to be with now. She will not pull a Mesnick on poor, simple Ed.
Reid won’t ask any more questions (“it’s not right”), but one of them would have been about the fantasy suite. The crowd laughs. He got in a good dig while maintaining some dignity. Well played, good sir.
He says, “You seem happy.” Key word “seem”. “There’s no need to poke and prod and try to figure out what happened when you chose Ed and I shouldn’t even have...” There’s the classic Reid neuroses. He downplays himself constantly. He even said the ring he bought wasn’t very good, which elicited sympathetic ahs from the ladies. They were in love with the guy. One of them even asked him if he’d go out with her. She looked to be about 14. That was the only question they showed. Are the setting him up to be the new Bachelor? Let’s hope.
Finally Ed and Jillian are together on stage. They kiss. They kiss some more. Are they told to, I wonder? Because didn’t they just see each other back stage? Even if they didn’t, couldn’t it wait? Whenever I see overly affectionate couples in public, I always think that’s a sign of a troubled relationship. Like, “Look how deliriously happy we are! We can’t keep our hands off each other! No problems here! None whatsoever!”
We learn that Jill will be moving in with Ed on September 1. They plan on marrying within the next twelve months. “Why take it slow?” Jillian said. “We haven’t taken it slow from the start. We’re gonna have fun with this.” i.e. more drinking. Lots more.
One of the questions was about Ed’s “mankini” green swimtrunks. This may be a sign of my age, but they looked perfectly normal to me. Sure, most of my shorts now hang down by my knees, but those things are hard to swim in. Why is it all of a sudden verboten that any guy show off his thighs? Jill, to her credit, said she liked the shorts. Chris was aghast. He can’t believe it. Then again, Chris is a bit of a fop.
The last question had to do with Ed’s abilities in the bedroom. Jillian assures us that there are definitely no bedroom problems. The only problem, she says, is that they can’t get enough of the bedroom. Okay, okay, geez, did you need to go there? But that’s our Jill. Always classing up the proceedings.
Gotta love her. If only she’d get rid of that dud.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The show is set on the big island of Hawaii. Doesn’t it have a name? (That was honestly my thought at the time. Later in the show, the graphics said, “Big Island, Hawaii”, so the joke’s on me. And they say Americans don’t know geography!)
We all know how it ended by this point, so what’s the point in keeping up the suspense. But I’ll still go through as I saw it because the producers were once again toying with us. Judging by what we saw in the episode, I think everyone would have guessed that Kiptyn would have been the one. Let’s look at the evidence.
Jillian has one last date with each of the two remaining bachelors, Ed and Kiptyn, and they meet her family. She tells us that her fantasy suite date with Ed “messed with both of our heads.”
Ed arrives in a pink shirt. It looks good, actually. Is that so wrong to say? He’s wearing long shorts, though. I’d have loved to seen the pink shirt with the short green swim trunks he favours.
Grandma, the darling of last season, is a bit player this time around. She opines that Ed is terrifically good looking. And he is, I’ll grant you. But he’s as dull as a board. Glenn, the dad, says, “Obviously there’s been a little bit of magic happening here.” Uh, not so much, dad. But dad doesn’t need to find out about the fantasy suite misfire just yet.
Ed tells the family that he was married to his jahb, tells them how he left Jillian and that he could naht stahp thinking about this woman. They sat and nodded, pretending to understand his midwestern dialect.
Then Ma Peggy rattles off a bunch of written out questions. Jillian certainly comes by her job interview style of dating honestly. We learn that Ed wants to have three kids, he sees themselves retired in Hawaii in 30 or 40 years, and that if you have honesty and love between two people, nothing can go wrong in a relationship. I guess we can take from this that Ed doesn’t really have a girlfriend back in Chi-town. I guess we’ll eventually find out. Regardless, Peg is pleased with Ed’s dull, rehearsed answers.
Yes, we get hints that Ed might be the one when Jillian says she’s not scared of engagement with him or a proposal. In fact, she’s excited about it. Go figure. Still, there's way more excitement with Kiptyn.
Ed then sucks up to Glenn by asking him how he’d feel if he (Ed) asked him to marry his daughter. Glenn says he’d be so happy he’d be doing somersaults. My stomach is doing somersaults at the thought of Jillian picking this ho-hum hunk.
Then the family invites Ed for a faux-hula dance. They all dress up in grass skirts and coconut shell boobies. Oh what fun. Ed says he’d love to be part of that family. But remember his parents? The Harris clan must seem exotic compared to the Swiderskis. You heard me. Swiderski. Jillian Swiderski. Rolls right off the tongue, don’t it?
Next up is Kiptyn, whom Jillian can’t wait to hug and kiss. Way, way more chemistry (i.e. tonsil hockey a-plenty). They didn’t show this kind of action with Ed which led us to believe it wasn’t there. But it must have been. There must have been something there besides what we saw with Ed. For their sake, I hope there was.
I loved Peggy’s line: “There’s excitement today knowing that Jill is bringing home another guy.” What a liberal family.
Jillian says Kip is a guy she can picture spending the rest of her life with... if he aces this day. And he does. With flying colours.
Peggy nabs Kiptyn for the same questions. We learn that Kiptyn wants at least two kids, that communication is if not number one, then really close to it, and that he visualizes his and Jill’s relationship in 30 or 40 years as best friends. Peg thinks Kiptyn is more like Jillian. They have a similar energy. She thinks he seems like a free spirit. That right there tells you just how dull Ed is. Only Ed could make a tight ass like Kiptyn seem like a free spirit.
Grandma weighs in: Kiptyn is “very, very, very, very nice.” Okay, someone put grandma away. She’s done for the episode.
Glenn asks Kiptyn if he’s in love. Kiptyn starts talking as a way to avoid the question. “I’m getting there a lot quicker than I thought I would,” he says. “I can see myself with Jill. She’s incredible. I can see myself marrying her.” He says he’d never propose without being sure. Dad says that if you can win over his daughter, you’ve got a partner for life. I believe that. I think the world of Jillian. All along, though, I’ve questioned her taste in men (and music). And tonight only confirmed that. Still, she’d make a great partner.
Then we get more scenes of them making out. She says, “When we’re together, I just never want him to leave.” Man, I thought at the time, if she picks Ed he is not going to like seeing this. No wonder these relationships rarely work out. The couple has to stay apart until the airing of the series and by that time they see their future wife shacking up with all the other guys.
Now Jillian gets some alone time with her family to pick their brains about the two guys. Peggy is drawn to Kiptyn’s energy. She thought Ed seemed quite in control and reserved. Boring is the word you’re looking for, mum. Glenn says they’re both gentlemen. Jill’s cousin seemed to like Kiptyn a lot better. Glenn thought Ed was deeper. Yeah, insipid people can often appear to be deep.
Then Jill takes her cousin out back to fill her in on the overnight dates. The cousin listens silently, either completely shocked at her loose cousin or just shocked that she’d be admitting it all to the world. Jillian says there was passion with Kiptyn and she wanted to rip his clothes off. She says it wasn’t there with Ed. And so, once again, we’re led to believe Ed is toast. But apparently Jillian likes dry whitebread toast.
Ed is back, this time with a different pink shirt. Okay, Ed, we get it, you’re comfortable with your sexuality. Bully for you. He piles it on with Jillian. She remarks on the beautiful scenery and he’s in her face telling her she’s beautiful. What a suck.
Hey look! A helicopter! Did not see that coming. The couple fly over a volcano which is spewing more than Ed did the other night.
On the ground, Ed tells Jillian that she looks really haht in the rain. Well, she is from Vancouver. She’s had lots of practice.
Ed gives her the it’s-tough-for-me-to-open-up speech. Uh, Ed, you were the only guy to utter those three little words to Jillian in the personal video. Nice try. This guy is all about rehearsed speeches. Jejune ones at that.
They kiss but it really looks to me like he’s feeling them more than she is. Maybe I just don’t want to see it. He tells her, “I will never leave you again.” God, he’s like a junior high Casanova.
He then invites Jillian back to “his” place. “I want tonight to be the perfect night. I’m ready to take this to the next level.” I hope he remembered the Cialis.
Again, he tells her, “I would like to be with you forever.” God, he’s cloying. As they lie on the bed, her body language is not suggesting that this is the guy. She just lies there placid. She’s not even wrapping her legs around him. You know it’s a bad sign when the patented Harris leg-wrap isn’t there.
We never find out how this evening to remember went. Did she rip his clothes off? Was there passion? Could Ed get it up? Instead, we’re on to Kiptyn.
More intense kisses for Kiptyn. And what’s more, she tells us she’s in love with Kiptyn. Remember that later when she tells him at the altar that she’s fallen in love with somebody else.
They paddle a surfboard to a private beach for a picnic. Kiptyn’s got more of a ripped body than Ed, that’s for sure. Ed, at 29, is starting to show a little pudge. And you only need to look at his dad to peer into his future. That Chicago diet doesn’t do wonders for a boy’s figure.
Jillian is doing all the moves with Kiptyn that aren’t there with Ed. She even straddles him on the surfboard. That’s what I’m talking about!
Now it’s Kiptyn’s turn for the lame speech, in his case the I-move-slower-than-other-people- in-this-process talk. He says he’d be really hurt if he lost her, and Jillian’s eyes light up. All this time she was worried that Kiptyn never had his heart broken. He was always the dumper, not the dumpee. This was the beginning of the end for Kiptyn. He tells her he’s falling in love with her, he’s ready to commit, he wants her to move down to San Diego and meet all his friends. But Jillian has other thoughts. She must do this for all women.
On the morning of the final rose ceremony, a camera is there to greet Jillian as she arises from her bed. That’s a little creepy, no? Is someone in there watching her sleep?
Her thoughts on the two gentlemen are that Kiptyn is the perfect package for her, yet she loves Ed’s aura and energy. She obviously mixed up the message her mom gave her. Peggy loved Kiptyn’s energy.
Jillian also says here that she “definitely love[s] both guys, 100 percent.” So what’s this nonsense about her falling in love with another guy (Ed)? She loves them both.
We see and hear the bachelors. Kiptyn jogs pigeon-toed along the beach, saying he wants to be the last man standing with Jillian by his side. Ed sees them being husband and wife. Kiptyn and Ed both shop for rings at the same shop. What a coincky-dink!
Ed says he would be devastated if Jillian didn’t pick him and he’s never been this in love in his life. His girlfriends back home in Chicago won’t be too thrilled with that.
Jillian walks the plank to her spot. We know ahead of time that the first guy is a goner because she’s telling us that she’s got to tell him he’s incredible but not the one. Kiptyn steps from the limo and I'm flummoxed. Damn you, producers! Why do you trifle with our emotions like that?
But Kiptyn is oblivious. They greet. She smiles. He tells her how nervous and excited he is. Stop talking, Kiptyn. Please. C’mon, Jillian, interrupt him for once. This is the equivalent of DeAnna letting Jason get down on one knee. It’s painful. He keeps talking. Shut up, already! “I don’t know what to say... I love you and I want to spend this life with you.” You idiot!
Finally Jillian speaks. She tells him how incredible he is, he’s all the things she’s always dreamed of. Now the tears start and Kiptyn gets a clue something’s not right. “I’ve fallen in love with somebody else.” Liar!
Okay, that’s technically true, but that shouldn’t discount the love she said she felt for Kiptyn. She should just tell him the truth, that she needs a karaoke-singing hunky nerd with no personality to offset her magnetism and larger-than-life personality. And Kiptyn was just too much free spirit for her.
Kiptyn says it hurts a lot, but “I’m a man and I’ll have to get through this.” He wants her to be happy. They embrace. “You’re incredible and Ed’s a lucky man.” Is he ever.
Jill sees him to the limo. Kiptyn says – and this is key – “I’ve never had my heart broken before.” She got you! She got you good! Now you’re finally perfect, Kiptyn. Ironically, she can’t have you. This is a real O. Henry story.
As Jill is focussing all her energy on Ed, a cab rolls up. Who could it be? Someone in sneakers has crashed the party. Why, look, it’s Reid! Here he comes to save the day! Oh, please, Lord, let him save the day.
Chris Harrison tells Reid that he doesn’t have much time because Ed is on his way. So out he goes to see Jillian. “Oh... my... God,” says Jillian. She looks happy. And surprised. As they hug, she looks extremely worried, like she’s thinking ahead to what she must do.
“I had to come back,” he tells her. Reid pulls an Ed on Ed! Priceless. “I was an idiot this entire time. I know you felt how I felt. I came back to tell you that, and to tell you that I love you and hopefully you feel the same way,” he says with rising intonation on the last word, like it’s a question.
“Oh, my God,” says Jillian. “I don’t know what to think right now. Letting you go was the hardest thing I had to do.” Uh, remember Kiptyn? Hello? That was about, what, 15 minutes ago?
“I had a pit in my stomach the last few days,” he tells her. “The last time I had a feeling like that was when I was in love. I told you I like you this much; I love you this much.”
He also tells her that he doesn’t see her with either Ed or Kiptyn. “I only see you with me.” So do I, Reid, so do I. Unfortunately, Chris Harrison doesn’t want it to be.
Reid gets down on one knee and kind of proposes. “I love you and you’re somebody I could spend the rest of my life with.” She smiles. Then heaves a sigh with a furrowed brow. She gets him up. “I don’t know,” she says. “I have missed you so much, but I need to think about this.”
“What is there to think about?” Reid asks.
“I don’t know. I don’t know.” She’s tormented. “Let me think about this. And wait for me, okay?” She smiles.
While she was back in the house thinking, I was hoping Ed would show up and the two boys would duke it out. Instead Chris Harrison plants seeds in her head, leading her to choose the dull one over funny Reid.
Jillian: “How am I supposed to make a decision?”
Chris: “It’s still up to you. If you are in love with Ed, you can stand by your convictions. But are you in love with Reid?”
Jillian: “How is somebody supposed to make a decision like this?”
Chris: “Because you know, right? Are you excited about the prospect of Ed proposing?”
Chris: “Then there’s no question what you need to do.”
No, no, no! There’s plenty of question, Chris! Of course she was excited about Ed proposing. She had made her decision between the two dull guys and the duller one won out. That feeling doesn’t just disappear in a matter of minutes. That’s no reason to send her out there to give Reid the boot.
Jillian says, “I know my heart is with Ed.” Dumb girl. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
I think Jillian felt more a sense of responsibility to Ed than anything. “I still don’t know what to think,” she tells Reid. “You’re not crazy. We do have that connection. It’s fun and it’s what I was looking for. And it was hard to let you go. I guess I just... I don’t know. I love the situation I’m in. I really, truly have fallen in love with somebody since. I can’t let him go now.” And there you have it. She is loyal, that girl.
Reid says, “It just doesn’t make sense.”
“This is not easy. At all. That’s why I was trying to get you to open up.”
Okay, but now he has. Don’t let Ed ruin this season for me, you selfish little harlot!
“Some people are better [at it] than others,” Reid explains about his reluctance to open up. “I was trying but my fears got in my way.”
She then talks into his shoulder, thanking him for what he did. I needed subtitles to catch all she said. None were forthcoming.
He gets in the cab and completes his drive of shame. Reid says he has no regrets about going back and professing his love.
Jillian says, “I know for sure now, 110 percent, that Ed is the person I want to be with.” Whatever. Then, on the altar (or whatever that platform is), “Ed better not fucking disappoint me.” Why not? He disappointed me long ago.
With all this drama unfolding, and Kiptyn completely out of the picture, it made me think of Farrah Fawcett, who would never know that Michael Jackson would die just hours after her. Kiptyn in the role of Farrah, while Reid played Jacko.
“Ed is the person I’m meant to be with. I can see him in my life long term. Forever. Fifty years down the road. We are best friends. We have that laughter. We have that spark and that chemistry.” Uh, need I remind you of the fantasy suite? I think Ed won her over the night he got drunk and was a loveable lush. No doubt he’d be more forgiving of her drunken episodes than uptight Kiptyn.
Ed arrives and starts in on another rehearsed speech. Blah, blah, blah. I’m not even paying attention. Dullsville, daddy-o. What a huge disappointment. “I love you so much,” he says. Blech.
He gets down on one knee. “I wanna be with you forever. I want you to give me a hard time when we’re 80 years old. Jillian, will you marry me?”
“Absolutely!” she squeals, and does the patented Harris leg-wrap.
A musical montage plays over video of Jillian and Ed: “They say, they say that love don’t come easy...”
Nah, that would have been too perfect.
Take a look at last week's poll, over there on the left: Who will get the final rose? I asked. Sixty-one percent of you said Reid. Thirty percent said Kiptyn. Only seven percent said Ed. Sure, only 13 people voted, but I think that's representative. At least, I choose to believe it.
I have come full circle on this season. Jillian remains one of my all-time favourites, but I started out thinking this was the worst season ever. Then it grew on me. I liked enough of the players and things got going. Guys came and went (and didn’t come). We had David the psycho, Wes the cad, Jake the hero, Tanner the foot freak. Good stuff. Sure, she got rid of Reid in the penultimate episode, but we all knew he was coming back. With two dullards left, he was a cinch to sweep Jillian off her beautiful feet. And then... and then... she chooses Ed, who fits his name like nobody else. What can I say?
Worst. Season. Ever.
I can only hope that with the passage of time to real time tomorrow night Jillian pulls her own version of a Mesnick and professes her love for Reid. I'm not holding my breath.
And to make matters even worse, Kiptyn will most likely be the next Bachelor. Snore.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I could have sworn last week they advertised pretty much the same thing. Thankfully, we got the first honest-to-goodness Men Tell All episode in series history. This was a good one. Even without Wes, who unfortunately “couldn’t make it here tonight” and Reid, who “wasn’t able to make it due to a prior engagement.” ABC, in their never-ending quest to give away every possible surprise, showed in the very last scene of the night an upcoming clip from the Final Rose episode next week where we see Reid fondling an engagement ring. Get it? Get it? Chris said he had a “prior engagement”. Do we have to spell it out for you people?!
But yes, this was a good one tonight. The guys let it all hang out. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
The show starts with Chris throwing to a recorded interview with Jillian, even though Jillian will come out later and answer more questions. It was basically rehashing everything we already know about how she feels about everyone. She said that she didn’t care about Tanner P’s foot fetish. “If the worst thing that I had to deal with is that somebody wanted to suck on my toes, I don’t care.” Okay. But what if there’s more? Maybe toe sucking is a gateway fetish. What then, huh? Jillian doesn’t get red flags very well.
But she did admit to becoming somewhat fixated on her own feet since meeting Tanner. She’s grown uncomfortable about her second toe being longer than her big toe and wouldn’t mind some toe surgery. But no plastic surgery on her schnozz, thank you very much. She likes her proboscis. And so do I. I read a lot of armchair Romeos putting Jillian down, but she’s a fine specimen of a woman and they should be so lucky to be with such a gal.
About her rope date with Kiptyn, Jill laughed so hard she said, holding her fingers together, “I was thisclose to peeing my pants.” What, was there dribble? How does she know?
She talked about her initial attraction with the villain of the evening, Wes. She said he was that country singer with tattoos that wants to sit by the fire and drink beer and that’s what she had been looking for. She always thought she’d marry that kind of honky-tonk cowboy. Thank God she got that fairy tale out of her system.
Part of what made this episode so good was the previously unseen footage. Usually it’s all recap we’ve seen all season. There was some of that, but a good chunk of new stuff that should give you a hint at how we’re all manipulated in our emotions.
We saw Special K of the Harlem Globetrotters giving her relationship advice. He didn’t like Kiptyn because he cheated in basketball. Basketball is like life, you see, so if he'd cheat in hoops, ipso facto he'd cheat in life. Now, I'm a big fan of the Globies so I know full well they cheat like hell! You can't pull down your opponents' shorts. I know that for a fact. And they do that all the time. He did, however, give the thumbs up to psycho David. Which goes to prove one thing: you can take the advice of a Globetrotter, but you can' t use it. Unless you live in Bizarro world. Still, had we seen this clip at the time, we might have different opinions of the two men.
We saw Ed hammered in Vancouver. Plastered, you might say. Shit-faced, if you will. Jillian, who’s probably been inebriated once or twice in her life, thought it was endearing. He was a happy, funny drunk. If they end up together, I’m sure they’ll have lots of nights fighting over who gets to vomit in the toilet and who has to use the sink. Maybe we’ll even see them on a future episode of Cops!
We saw Reid try hula dancing in Hawaii. I had two thoughts: 1. I like Reid even more knowing that he doesn’t like to dance at all, and 2. those poor hula dancers probably all huddled around the TV to see themselves when the Hawaii episode aired only to be disappointed. Finally they got a glimpse.
We saw Saint Kiptyn woking with his charity, Stand Up For Kids, which I guess pits troubled children with stand up comedians, or something like that. Had we seen that, who wouldn’t be cheering for Kiptyn? Why would they edit that out? They show us what they want us to see. Remember that, people.
Next came Jason and Molly. Was all that heartache worthwhile, Chris asks them? Do we even care? Now out of the spotlight, and with her man, she was able to let the blonde dye job fade. She just used it to collar her man. Molly’s actually a brunette, just like Melissa. “And ugly,” says the wife. Meow!
Jason dubs them M&M. Get it, Molly and Mesnick? Of course, it would have been that with Melissa, too, which makes me think the simpleton bachelor chose his finalists based on their initials.
Molly, it turns out, lives in Milwaukee while Jason is still in Seattle. But they vow to get married, making them only the second successful Bachelor couple, I do believe. Well, so far.
Jason is a big believer in kismet. Because Melissa is now happy and engaged, just like he and Molly, everything’s jake. The Simpleton had the line of the night: “You can’t mess with fate... If people have to point the finger at me, and it caused happiness, I’ll take the blame.”
Finally, it’s some quality time with the jilted lovers. We see a drama reel and get to hear some good comments on Jake that never aired. All the guys seem to resent Jake's perfectness. One of the fellas said, “I don’t think Jake’s even stepped on an ant.” We also learn that Robby the bartender drinks a lot. Why didn’t we know that? And we learn that David is “a ticking time bomb, an awful human.” No, wait, we already knew that.
Chris Harrison, who’s getting really good at this and showing his personality after years of being an automoton, says it’s like a buffet for a host. “Where do I start?”
They start in on Jake, who takes the “perfect” slags as a compliment. I was a little surprised at the vitriol aimed Jake’s way. Jesse the wine guy wanted Jake to be like the rest of them. Another guy, Mark, let Jake know that not one person in America thinks Mr. Perfect is the black sheep of his family just because he’s a pilot while his siblings are doctors. Tanner F said Jake “pulled a Mesnick”, which he defines as “when a grown man leans over a hotel railing and cries.” For future reference, when somebody gets national TV exposure and you still don't know who he is or anything about him, we can call that "pulling a Tanner F".
When Sasha piles on, Jake turns around and says, “Sasha, fuck you. How perfect is that?” Well, I gotta admit, it was the perfect squelch. That guy is just too perfect, it’s true.
Next up it’s David’s turn to have it out with Juan yet again. Because that never gets old. I remember after David was eliminated he was interviewed in the press and said how embarrassed he was at the way he acted on the show and that’s not how he is. I believed him. Fast-forward to tonight. His credibility is completely shot. He did himself no favours on this night. He looked as angry as ever. And crazier, thanks to the beard he was growing so women wouldn't recognize him from the show and flee in terror when they met him. A real ticking time bomb. Yowza.
Chris challenged David on his ridiculous Man-Code. David explained that it’s an unspoken set of rules. “I didn’t understand there were so many guys that didn’t understand that,” he said. Chris asked Juan, who you’ll recall is a foreigner, if he was aware of this Man-Code. The suave Argentinian said his definition of it meant being a gentleman, being a man, being an adult. “Getting drunk and beligerent and threatening people is not being a man.” Well said, I thought, but Tanner F. thought Juan was just trying to stir things up. If so, it was working because David was turning red and developing a facial tick. Seriously.
David wasn’t the only one pissed at Juan for not drinking and being one of the guys. They wondered why Juan didn’t explain himself. Drunk Robby sided with psychotic David. Why this was an issue was beyond me. And thankfully Chris spoke for many of us when he chimed in with, “Why would he have to explain it? Who gives a crap?!”
David really didn’t help himself out any. Trying to show the world that he’s not a menace 2 society, he said, “When I say I’m going to beat Juan’s ass, that just means I don’t like him.” Uh-huh. And then he says, “Everybody has a girl back home.” Keep talking, pal. David is a ass. [sic]
You see, when he says that, he means an ex-girlfriend. Part of Man-Code is knowing what he means when he speaks. And if you don’t, that’s because you just don’t get Man-Code. The first rule of Man-Code is understanding Man-Code. If you don’t understand it, that’s your problem, not ours.
After all this, we’re still not done with David! I told you this episode was a good one. He takes the hot seat across from Chris to answer some questions. Finally, his chance to show everyone he’s a decent, normal guy.
Chris suggests that maybe David made Jillian feel a tad uncomfy on their date. David: “I wouldn’t say uncomfortable.” Chris reminds him of how he kept talking to Jillian about her “ass”. Even after weeks of reflection, and time to think about how he wants to present himself on this episode, David persists. “Complimenting a girl’s ass after a month? That’s a compliment.” He was absolutely flabbergasted that the women in the audience said they wouldn’t like to be told they have a great ass by a pyschotic madman.
When Chris suggested that maybe, just maybe, he read the signals wrong when he went in for a kiss, David would have none of it. “She put the signals out there and retracted it,” he said. It’s not on him.
Chris rightfully asks where in the Man-Code is the respect for women and looking out for them? “It’s hard to explain,” David starts. “We’re in a house with guys. It’s not a normal situation...” Juan makes an excellent point, saying they were all on the same boat and it didn’t seem to bother the rest of them. Of course Juan would say that. He doesn’t understand Man-Code.
Next up is Jake on the hot seat. The women there love him. He’s their knight in shining armour. Jake said he has had no second thoughts about revealing to Jillian that Wes had a girlfriend back home. David, showing a healthy respect for the fairer sex, says “You cried like a little girl.”
He takes a couple questions from the crowd and admits he will always have feelings for Jillian. And someone asked if he would accept if asked to be the next Bachelor. “As flattering as that is, that’s a decision I’d have to make when the time is right. It would truly be an honour, though.” What a perfect answer.
Then the Wes segment, even though he wasn’t there to defend himself. Just as well. Who needs him? It would have just been more vacant stares. Wes apparently told Tanner F. at some point, “Man, I got a girl back home. I wrote all these songs for her.” David defends Wes (surprise, surprise), saying Wes told him that while he did come on the show to promote his record, after a couple of days or weeks, it “got real”. Leave it to Juan, that Man-Code breaker, to bring up another great point. Wes certainly never let on that his feelings were “real” and seemed to not care a bit when he was let go.
Chris wanted somebody in the audience to speak on Wes’s behalf but there wasn’t one supporter in the place. Then, to close the segment, they run one last Wes montage, no doubt to show some supporters (hello Reality Steve!) that it wasn’t all a bad edit. In the montage, we hear Wes saying, “I got records to sell. I’m the hidden agenda guy... My manager joked to go in and get at least three roses... I’ll always have Jillian wrapped around my little finger, y’all.” And more. Even the clip in the limo where he said he was the only bachelor in history to make it to the final four with a girlfriend wasn’t clipped at the end the way it was when it first aired. It looked as if his comment really did end there. If he did, as he now says, add more at the end saying that notion was ridiculous, it was after a significant pause.
Wes is a jerk. Case closed.
Jillian finally arrived in studio to a standing ovation from her exes, although Robby was a little slow to stand. Could have been the alcohol. Jillian talked about watching the show along with us and finally learning of some of the backstory she never knew at the time. She said was proud of the way Juan dealt with the drama with David. David just shook his head in disbelief. Priceless.
Jake started to talk about the great date they had and wondered how things went so wrong, and Jillian just shut him down. She spoke directly and without any warmth saying that she didn’t want to string him along. Methinks Jake’s neverending feelings for Jillian just screeched to a halt. A perfect halt.
As for Wes, she said that sometimes your heart doesn’t lead you in the right direction, but she made the right decision in the end. “I needed to figure that out for myself,” she said. The thing is, dear Jill, you didn’t! It was figured out for you. Lord help you if Jake hadn’t given you some information to work with.
We end on a fart reel. Pthffffpt.
Whatever’s happened since the last day of filming, Jillian is extremely happy. Will it be Kiptyn? Will it be Ed? Or will it be Reid? I think we need a new poll!
Until next week.
Friday, July 17, 2009
For the record, Mrs. Sports Guy, aka The Sports Gal, blogged about The Bachelor for two seasons. It was hilarious. Wish she'd make a comeback.
Q: My girlfriend has been making me watch "The Bachelorette" and I'm not even ashamed. Isn't it easily as good as any other Monday night comedy? Plus, there's Jillian and the unending internal debate in my head as to whether she's hot or not. Literally every shot of her evokes a different reaction from me. I'm amazed at how intriguing the show is.
-- Mike B. Brighton, Mass.[+] EnlargeKevin Winter/Getty ImagesHere's Bill's scouting report on "Bachelorette" Jillian Harris: A definite tweener.
SG: And you left out Wes, the two-timing country singer who wasn't there for the right reasons, as well as the appropriately named Ed, who couldn't rise to the occasion with Jillian in a sleepover date and now is headed for a double-bathtub ad with her for Cialis. But I had to follow up on your Jillian comment. Never, not ever, not in the history of mankind, has a TV or movie star vacillated back and forth between "not attractive" to "super attractive" this frequently. If you charted it, it would be like an EKG exam gone haywire. She's cute. She's not cute. She's hot. She's smoking! Yikes, I wish her face didn't just do that. She's cute. She's not cute. She's super cute. A genius selection by the show's producer. No wonder Ed couldn't come through on the sleepover date; even his organs were confused by Jillian's looks.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
This episode starts off very, very promising. After witnessing Kiptyn’s moose knuckle last week, we see a hot Jillian and her pet camel’s toes walking down the beach in an itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie yellow and white bikini. That’s as close to a vagina as you’ll see on American network television. They’re in Hawaii so there will be lots of opportunity for more.
The final event of the course was called The Leap of Faith. The symbolism was laid on thick tonight. Each had to climb an 18-foot pole. Jillian called it a totem pole, but I didn’t see any carvings. They then had to stand on top of it, without the aid of any hand supports. Jill was terrified, but Kiptyn talked her through it. Good on both of them because there’s no way I could stand on top of that thing if they were three feet off the ground, let alone swinging way above ground. The next step was to leap off and grab a bar, set way too far away for the petite Jillian to have a hope in hell. Jill made Kiptyn promise she’d get a kiss at the bottom. She went for it, the trouper, falling to her death. It was a short episode.
We’ll talk again next week.
No wait. Don’t go. She had a rope attached to her and just dangled for a few moments. Kiptyn, though, made it to the bar.
All along the way, there was lots of squealing and laughing from our heroine. She laughed so hard from the pit of her stomach that she knew she was falling in love. I’ll admit that Kiptyn showed a bit of humour throughout the whole thing, but I submit the laughs were more adrenaline-based than anything. i.e. false.
What worries her about Kiptyn is that he’s always been the dumper, not the dumpee, and Jillian just doesn’t want to get her heart broken... again. She opens up that she tries to be too strong sometimes when she’s not all that strong. There was no need for her to say that because she said the exact same thing to Jason last season. She could have just referred Kiptyn to that particular episode.
Kip felt that the trip to Spain was the turning point for him. He now realizes that she’s the kind of woman he could spend a lifetime with. That doesn’t mean it’s her; just someone like her.
She tried to get him to open up by admitting his flaws, but he skirted the issue by joking about flamenco dancing. But she persists, so he gives his best job interview answer by saying he’s impatient and needs to deal better with bumps in the road. She tells him she trusts him the most of anybody that’s left but still feels she might get hurt with him.
The fantasy suite card arrives again. Two days after Spain, Jill is now ready to get it on with each of the bachelors. After all, she says, “we need this time." Looks like Aunt Flo went home.
In voice-over mode she tells us she can’t articulate her feelings for the real Kiptyn. She says she’s falling in love with that guy. We see them make out on the bed. Fully clothed. But then Kiptyn closes the door. Somewhere, the Rocky Mountaineer is heading through a tunnel.
Reid is the best one there for her but she just can’t see it. She lights up around him like no others. It’s obvious to me what his feelings are, but maybe that’s because we speak the same non-verbal inner language. Reid has no problem telling the camera when Jill isn’t around, though. He says she’s everything he could imagine in a wife.
Running out of ideas, the producers send along a helicopter for the date. It may be old hat to regular viewers, but it’s the first helicopter ride for Reid. He says it’s one of the best experiences he’s had (the first of two times he’ll say such a thing tonight). “It was like being in heaven,” he said. And then the copter crashed and they all died and went to heaven.
I’ll talk to you next week.
No wait. It didn’t crash. They lived happily ever after. Or at least almost did. Turns out the pilot was also an ordained minister. When Jill finds out, she says, “Let’s get this shit done!” But Reid, bless his heart, isn’t a spur-of-the-moment type guy. It’s not how he rolls.
Instead they have a picnic and they talk about important matters. She asks what he’s afraid of. He says it’s the time frame. Did he just use pig-latin? It sounded like he said “it’s all very ast-fray.” And Jill didn’t even flinch. She must be bilingual, too.
He admits he’s not the best at voicing his emotion. He’s like a four-year-old that way, he says. And they make out. She wanted to give him lots of time to think about his emotions, but is worried time may run out.
He gets his first chance at expressing his emotions when they meet for the evening portion of the date. Jillian greets him and says, “Ready for a nice romantic dinner on the beach?” To which Reid says, “I’m starving!” Okay, he needs to work on that.
Yes, he has a hard time expressing his emotions, but I’d say he shows them just fine. We know how he feels so why doesn’t she?
She pushes him harder on their relationship. Is he ready to propose at the end of this? He says maybe. In print, that sounds cold, but he said it with a big positive grin and a nod of the head. You gotta be able to read between the lines, Jilly-Bean. At least she has the good sense to say that even though she’s not getting the answers she needs, she can see it in his eyes.
The fantasy suite card comes. He doesn’t open himself up again and say he’d like to go because he got denied once. There’s a long pause and Jillian says she thinks they should take Chris’s offer. Like Chris had anything to do with this. Reid says they can cover the things they need to cover tonight. And probably uncover a lot of other things, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.
“It’s going to get really real now,” Reid tells us. He’s excited but scared.
”I can’t say the L-Word.” Lesbian? I’ve seen that show. What does that have to do with anything?
We see them bathe in bubbles. Are they naked? Probably. The white wine goggles probably obscure the cameras.
Jill is looking tired from all that sex with Kiptyn and Reid, but Ed is happy with sloppy thirds. He says she looks “amazing, nice and tanned, and hat.” Hat? Oh yeah, he’s from Chicago. That means “hot”.
He tells her he thinks of her every day. She asks if he’s not thinking about work. He’s not, he says unconvincingly. She also asks what the weirdest thing about him is. He says it’s that his parents call him Richie so as not to confuse him with his dad. Which isn’t all that weird when you consider his dad’s name is Rick. Because Rick and Ed are way too close sounding. Rick and Richie are much easier to differentiate.
Their date is on a yacht. They take the plunge (there’s that imagery again) by jumping in the ocean together. Ed holds her by the bum and off they go. Underwater, she straddles him. That’s her go-to water move. She even admits, “I couldn’t wait to wrap my legs around him,” proving my point.
Because he flaked out during the early going and went home, he missed out on the hometown dates so he took the opportunity to fly his parents out to Hawaii. Jill is so excited when he tells her the news that she wraps her legs around him even though they’re out of the water.
The dad looks like the prototypical Chicagoan. He’s right out of the SNL sketch. I want to hear him talk about Da Bears. But he doesn’t get much in. Jill starts talking to the parents and can’t stop. They bond over their love of card games. When Judy, the mom, takes Jillian outside for a talk, Rick says to Ed, “What the hell are we doing here? What is going on?” I love it. Ed, the only child, assuages any doubts his father might have and says he’d get engaged if she picked him. Dad warms up. He even tears up a little when talking to Jill about his son. “What you see is what you get with Ed,” he says. I guess that means he really is dull.
And, of course, the fantasy suite is used. “I could not pass up the opportunity to spend more time with you,” she says. She wants some “intimate, cozy, sexy time.” And boy is he going to get it. She wants to focus on the romance as much as possible. She thinks Ed is so sexy... tall... olive skin... great smile... looks like Greg Brady.
Ed reveals his inner nerd by saying, "She's smoking hot. Why would she want me?" That doesn't bode well for their future relationship. If she can do better than him, she will.
He either got too much sun, is hammered, or is about to have a stroke. His face is bright red. And he doesn’t quite make sense. After all this talk about his career, he tells Jillian, “I just would love for you to be the reason for me to not work.” Huh?
He tells her he’s absolutely falling in love with her and has never felt this way before. She’s speechless. But not kissless.
He carries her to the rose-petalled bed and after briefly making out fully clothed, Jillian goes off and returns wearing some diaphanous shirt thing where we can almost see her titties. I’m sure the cameraman could.
To keep up his olive complexion, she undresses Ed and starts rubbing olive oil all over his body. He reciprocates. This is soft porn. It’s her hot tub scene, version 2.0. We knew she’d be good for another one. Atta girl, Jilly!
And then... and then? What happened? She says the feeling just wasn’t there. Were they just too tired? Did he pass out? Could he not get aroused? They were vague on precisely what happened. But suffice it to say Jillian finally got a good night's sleep.
Chris is back. Maybe he had an outstanding warrant in Spain. At any rate, he’s here to grill Jill on the guys. She says she’s falling in love with more than one guy and isn’t surprised at the notion that she can love more than one person.
Kiptyn, she says, is gorgeous, but wonders if he’s just another pretty face. She had fun on their date. There was chemistry. But... he’s the leaver. He hasn’t shown a lot of his vulnerabilities. There’s a wall up.
Reid, she says, makes her laugh. They’re like two teenagers. Then a bunch of negative stuff I couldn’t keep up. The usual blather about him not opening up. Yada yada yada.
The overnight with Ed, she says, was not exactly as she expected it. Either the chemistry isn’t there or there was too much on his mind taking precedence over his other, uh, instincts. Well said. I think I got the gist of it now.
The fellas all left her a “very private video message” that the show is now going to share with its millions of viewers all over the world.
Kiptyn talked about this “amazing ride”. It feels like it could be the beginning of an amazing relationship. “I can see myself falling in love with you,” he said. i.e. he’s not in love with her. Why is that better than what Reid is saying? Then he ends it with, “Let’s light this world on fire! I’m ready when you are.” Jill smiles.
Reid said that spending the night with her was one of the best nights of his life. Right after the helicopter ride. He admitted avoided answering her tough questions but said his feelings have grown so fast it’s a bit scary and exciting. And then he said, “I really hope you keep your honeybear around.” Honeybear?
Ed really laid it on thick. He said she helped him change his perspective on life and made him a better man. God, he’s dull, have I mentioned that? He tells her she’s beautiful, intelligent, funny, sometimes inappropriate, and he loves all of that. He ends with, “I love you.” The look on her face was priceless. It wasn’t one of relief and warmth. It was an oh-shit face if I’ve ever seen one.
Indeed, Chris tells us it will be the most emotional rose ceremony ever! I knew we’d get at least one superlative this season.
At the actual ceremony, she takes Ed aside. And we all know what that means, right? In the history of the program, whoever has been called aside prior to the roses has always gotten a rose. It doesn’t look that way at first, though. Jillian was giving him the pre-breakup speech. She said, “Our last date was incredible but it didn’t feel the way I thought it was going to feel.” [Insert sexy double-entendre here]
Ed’s response is “Just trust me.” She doesn’t need to worry about anything she’s worry about, he says. He promises. He swears. That’s it. He said what she needed to hear. Or she just felt sorry for him and couldn’t break his heart after that puppydog speech.
Back to the roses. She takes the first one in her hand a full 15 minutes before the end of the show. The first rose goes to Kiptyn. Number two goes to dull Ed.
Brutal. Two dullards left. But somehow I bet that’s not the last we hear of Reid. With all the promised drama of the last episode, maybe he’ll be the Molly of this season. I hope so.
On his way out, he says to her, “I hope you made the right move.” Smiling throughout.
She tells him, “You defined everything to me of what I’m looking for. You’re goofy and fun and funny. And there was a connection.” Which explains why she let him go, of course.
She throws out the standard “I just worry we’re at different places” line. Whatever, girlfriend. She also doesn’t know if he’s willing to make sacrifices. He nods.
He tells her, “I should have opened up sooner. I didn’t give you all the signs that you needed to have. It’s a shame because I should have. I don’t know if that would have changed anything.” They bury their heads in each others’ shoulder. Then they lean their heads against each other. She cries. As she should because she’s letting the wrong guy go.
He says, “I don’t know what to say.” And she says something I can’t catch even after watching it three times. I think it was, “I say goodbye.”
He gives a great limo speech:
“I wish I could have opened to her the way I should have. It’s definitely a tough moment. A surprising moment. I dunno. Maybe I screwed myself. I definitely could have seen myself with her. And I can definitely say that I was falling in love with her. I don’t think she even knows that. I saw her with my family. She was perfect. Her and I got along. The whole thing was my fault. It’s tough. Really tough. When we were saying goodbye on that bench, looking at me and we were staring at each other, it’s surreal to know we had that connection but not be there. And then seeing her with the other two guys is tough. I don’t see her being happy with the other two guys. I just don’t. It would have been a lot easier if I had told her that I loved her. I think I fucked up. And if I could reverse things I would.”
Jillian sits on a bench and cries. Ed shows up to console her, saying, “I just want to thank you and I appreciate it.” Zzzzzzzzz....
Back with Ed and Kiptyn, she says she feels amazing. Methinks she doth protest too much. She knows she let the wrong one go.
In two weeks it’s the big finale. We’re told that an unexpected confession makes Jill question everything. Bring back the Honeybear!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The four remaining bachelors joined Jill in Spain for individual exotic dates. We’ll look at each one individually. There was so much at stake, she says: love, marriage, a potential proposal. Maybe not in that order.
“I am here in Madrid, Spain,” Jillian informs us in case, you know, we thought maybe they were in Madrid, Alabama (yes, there is one). Yes, I know there are Madrids elsewhere in the world, but all the other ones are the ones you need qualifiers for. Madrid is the Bono of the atlas. If you’re talking about Sonny Bono, you have to say Sonny Bono. Otherwise it’s the lead singer of U2.
Jillian says she has adored Kiptyn from the start. He’s kind-hearted... genuine... has more abs than regular guys with six-packs. Jill thinks he may have nine or twelve. And, apparently, she sees the perfect package for her. I thought Tanner had the perfect package?
Speaking of the foot freak, we get lots of shots of Jillian’s toes on these afternoon dates. He must be killing himself wherever he is now.
She wonders, though, if Kip is out of her league. There’s that Canadian confidence for you! On their date, Kiptyn says his sister asked him if he’s ready to propose and he tells her everything has been better than expected but a proposal “seems far off.” Points for honesty. Jillian looks a bit shocked, but she’s the one who keeps telling Chris Harrison to hold off on using the h-word.
Their date takes them to a flamenco lesson with Maria, Ricardo and Paco. Dancing with the Reality Stars? She’d lose to Melissa in that one, too. Kip doesn’t look comfortable: “Flamenco and me should never hang out again,” he quips. But Jillian has fun. She’s up for anything, that girl. She had a blast but hopes that “tonight we can get to a whole new level.” I did an “ahem” there, but it was not to be. Jillian turns out to be way more proper than I’d given her credit for.
They dine on slugs and snails, then Jillian tells Kiptyn he reminds her of her dad. At least she acknowledges that it sounds a bit creepy. She explains that her dad’s a bit of a pussy and lets her mom do whatever she wants, but she’d want Kiptyn to tell her when she’s offside. She doesn’t want to wear the pants in the family all the time.
Then the fantsy suite card arrives. Kiptyn acts like he has no idea what it’s going to say. Is it possible he’s never seen an episode of the show? Surely he knows this is his chance to make sweet love to the Bachelorette. Or is it? Jillian stunningly rejects the suite! A first in Bachelor/ette history, I do believe. Where was Chris Harrison to mark this first like they do for every other first? But Harrison is conspicuously absent this week. He doesn’t even show up to the rose ceremony. So it doesn’t seem like such a shocking development that Hot Tub Harrison turns down the chance for some nooky. I’d like to believe that Jillian is a faithful reader of this blog and read my prediction that she’d have sex with more guys than any other Bachelorette, and is doing this just to spite me. Nicely played, Harrison. You win this round.
The excuse she gives poor Kiptyn is that she can’t spend the night with someone unless they’re heading in the right direction. So what does that say? That if it weren’t for Wes, he’d be toast? Are they going in the wrong direction? Okay, my prediction for next week is that he’s gone. You read it here first. Or, judging by the shere volume of blogs about this show, probably not.
Anyway, Jillian says they can just cuddle and hang out. She probably has her period. (Before you women get on me for that, I have to say that’s what my wife said when watching.)
They lie on her bed making out, legs interlocked. Jill says, “There’s a small part of me that wishes I would have accepted the overnight card.” Uh, yeah. It’s called your clitoris. (Again, ladies, that was my wife’s line. Seriously.)
She meets Reid in Sevilla. That’s in Spain, too, in case you didn’t know. Never in her entire life has she been anywhere as beautiful as this. The couple picnic in a park with wine (natch) and cheeses. In the interview, she’s all red-faced, clearly from the, er, Spanish sun. Certainly not the wine because Jillian is all Miss Proper this week, remember? The big red flower stuck to the side of her head proves it.
The relationship with Reid, she says, has moved very, very slow. But there’s something to be said for opposites attracting. She says she always gets giggly around Reid. That’s because he’s actually funny. She’s not used to a funny guy who doesn’t oversell every line with physicality so she doesn’t even recognize it as humour and can’t understand why she’s giggly.
Even when he’s not being funny, he’s funny. In a shop, he tries to speak the native tongue, so he says, “Soy grande.” Now, I’ve forgotten most of my Spanish 11, but isn’t that a coffee?
And an example of him intentionally being funny was when he talked about how much his family liked her. He says to her, “I was surprised. ‘Really? You like Jillian?’” He’s so confident he can jokingly put her down. Either that or he doesn’t care if he advances or not. But don’t you always get the job and the girl when you give off the take-it-or-leave-it vibe? Put your money on Reid.
More Reid humour. As he opens his heart and tells her why they’re a good match, he lists off that they’re very similar, he’s attracted to her, and every time they hang out it just gets better. Jill melts and they kiss. Then he pulls back and says, “But...” There’s nothing else coming, and Jill immediately recognizes the joke. I like their fun antagonistic relationship.
I thought for sure Reid would get an overnight invitation. I mean, everyone gets the invitation, but it’s not the same coming from the producers. When the card comes, Jillian plays him to gauge a reaction. He plays it perfectly, saying he’ll let her decide because “it’s the gentleman thing to do.” And she turns him down, too! Oh. My. God. Jillian is a virgin! Or a huge Jonas Brothers fan. Actually, given her musical tastes, that wouldn’t surprise me.
Reid speaks a bit about his jealousy, but he’s not in any way psychotic. Just a tad neurotic. He says, “Let’s sabotage the other dates!” Jillian tells him to “just trust me”, which could come back to bite her in the butt later on if she ever lets him go. “I trusted you!” he could wail. Not that Reid would ever wail over anyone, but that basic idea.
But you never know because he says, “As neurotic as I am and as much as I second-guess things, I’m confident about my relationship with Jillian.”
I never realized until tonight that Ed is a dud. The king of the v-neck sweater is as boring as his job with Microsoft. He’s just a hipper-looking version of the nerd in the Mac-PC commercials. Going immediately after Reid really accentuates his lack of funny. All he could say, over and over ad infinitum, was how he couldn’t stop thinking about her when he left earlier in the show, which is why he came back. Yes, Ed, we know. We get it. What I want to know is how he got time off from his boss this time. Does he still have a job? Why was it so important he return to Chicago last time and now he’s expendable enough to be permitted to jet off to Spain?
The two, also in Sevilla (aka Seville, as in the Barber of), talk about what might have happened on a hometown visit had Jill gone to Chicago. To prove he’s not a dud, he tells her he’d have taken her out to sing karaoke. See? Not a dud at all.
We got a taste of the crafty editing to come. We see Jillian walking along in wet shorts with no explanation. Only later on did we find out that she didn’t pee her pants. Earlier on, even though they showed it later, we saw them making out in a fountain. So they’re mixing up the timeline. No big deal, but it just proves you have to always keep in mind they are most likely playing with reality.
Ed says it takes a lot for him to open up and show emotion. So he’s just like Reid minus the sense of humour.
The overnight card arrives. Jill fondles her hair. Ed hesitatingly, and unconvincingly, says he’d... love... to. Then she breaks the news to him that it’s not going to happen, giving a different reason. She says she doesn’t want to get hurt if he should leave again. But he persists, in his meek computer nerd way, and she caves. They need the time to get caught up. So off they go, but they sleep in their clothes. Colour his balls blue.
They’ve been hinting that Wes is a goner all episode. We’ll see about that. Jillian says she’s been attracted to him from the very beginning. He’s totally her type, she says, to which I say, “Good God.” She also says Wes and her have shared some pretty intimate moments. Which reminds me, a few episodes back, they hinted at an overnight that went terribly wrong, but we never saw what that was. Anybody have any guesses? Did I miss it? Since she’s not going on any overnights this time, maybe it was an intimate moment with Wes.
This time they’re in Barcelona (Spain). Wes says he doesn’t know much about the music scene in Barcelona but he had a song on his second album that was number one in Chihuahua, Mexico, so he’s home around Spanish people... Huh? I guess because Mexicans also speak Spanish. Isn’t that like saying, “I had a record go number one in Chicoutimi (Quebec) so I feel comfortable around Parisians”? He’s a sharp one, that Wesley.
She adores Wes, she insists, so she wants to give him a chance. They hop on bikes. “You look cute on a bike,” she tells him. “Yeah, I know,” he responds.
When they sit down to eat and talk, he tells her how perfect she is (shades of Jake?) and that she’s what he’s looking for. But Jillian notes that he sat as far away from her as possible. She didn’t feel the love. Add to this the anxiety she feels about analysing every single thing he says trying to figure out if he’s lying or not. Sounds like Mr. Right!
She says, “Let’s just say, hypothetically speaking, that we decide the best thing for you to do is to move to Vancouver for a couple of years.” Uh, yeah, I could see that happening. That hypothetical doesn’t even make sense because in that world where “they” both decide he should move to Vancouver, he’d have agreed to it. So he’d be on board. But in reality, he’d never agree. And he says as much. “That would be... crazy,” is how he puts it. Thank God. This town ain’t big enough for the two of us.
But it gets better! She asks if they could meet somewhere in the middle. He says, “Uh...” Then she says, “If I said, ‘Wes, you’re the one and I want to make this work,’ how are we gonna do it?” Here’s Wes’s response, verbatum (at least as far as what we saw): “That bird has no foot.” Then he spills his beer and lets her clean it up without even trying to help.
At dinner, she shows up in a beautiful red gown (she’s looked fantastic on all her Spanish dates). Wes arrives in a ratty C&W denim shirt and ripped jeans with his just-woke-up ‘do. She tells him he looks good. What a saint that woman is.
He admits that his manager thought going on the Bachelor would be good for his career. I hope that manager never works again. Wes, too, thought it would be good for him. But he tells her he’s already played her a song, done the full-band thing, showed her what he does. “If I wanted to go home, my mission would have been accomplished.” Good lord, never trust a Texan when he says “Mission Accomplished”.
He says if he had a girlfriend, he’d be gone already. So Jill wonders why he hasn’t kissed her. He should be showing affection. But Wes wants her to believe he’s just been second-guessing himself. He says he’s worried that she might turn away if he goes in for a kiss. Jill thinks he should risk that. You hear that, fellas? Take the risk.
Wes says, “I’m not here to hurt you. I’m gonna be true to myself because numero uno is the most important here.” They’re in Spain, remember? The guy can speak a little Spanglish. She gives him a dirty look. Then brings up Laurel. That’s when he slips up and says “my girlfriend... I mean, ex-girlfriend”. The music stops. Nothing left to say.
The card arrives. Timing is everything. Do it, Jillian! Fuck him hard! (Pardon my Spanish.) That would have vaulted this season to best-ever status. It’s still pretty good, because Wes looks at her and says he thinks they should spend the night together in the fantasy suite! Ah, too funny. As if their previous conversation never happened. I’m sure it works at last-call in Austen bars.
This time Jillian doesn’t even offer any reasons. Just, “I’m gonna skip it.” Perfecto. You go, girl. If this were a one-on-one rose date, guess who’d be going home? As it is, we have to wait for the “dramatic” rose ceremony.
Dramatic? Not so much. Comedic? A little bit. Jillian says it’s a hard rose ceremony for her. Uh, why? Not sure. But she also says she’s never been more sure of who she has to send home. So no surprises.
While the four guys line up waiting for Jillian, Wes says that if it’s him who gets sent home, he’ll be back home having lots of sex. Then he laughs like an insane man. The others stare back at him.
Oh God how I wished she would keep Wes around for another week at this point! How about Wes for the new Bachelor?! Who wouldn’t watch that? Do it!
The roses go out, in order, to Ed, Reid... and at this point Wes whispers, “Congratulations, bro” to Kiptyn, who responds, “It may be you.” Wes replies, “It ain’t me, dude. It ain’t me.” And with that, Kiptyn gets the final rose. Goodbye and good luck, Wes. Have fun making hit records in Chihuahua.
It was here that I noticed Chris wasn’t around. Nobody informed that guys that there was only one rose left, and if they didn’t get one to say their goodbyes then get the hell out. So after Kiptyn got the final rose, they stood around awkwardly before Jill says to Wes, “Can I walk you out?”
Out they go and they hold hands! Jill now knows in her heart that Wes has a girlfriend, came on the show to promote himself, and lied to her throughout, yet she still holds his hand on the way out.
She actually makes a decent point about why she kept him around. If she had let him go after the hometown visit, she’d always be thinking, “What if?” But now she knows. Sorry Jesse and Michael, she apparently isn’t thinking “What if?” about you guys.
What she doesn’t explain is how she ever liked Wes to begin with.
Now here’s an interesting part. It’s Wes’s classy limo speech as he’s swigging whiskey. We all know he’s been a victim of bad editing to some extent. But we also know he’s been a victim of himself. We know he said he’d be going home and having lots of sex right before the roses were handed out. So the guy’s a jerk. But what he said in the limo doesn’t fit. On the one hand he says, “The first guy ever in The Bachelorette to make it in the top four with a girlfriend.” And that sounds damning. But it was chopped off right at the end. It’s possible he said something like, “She thinks I’m the first guy ever in The Bachelorett to make it in the top four with a girlfriend, but it’s not true.” Or “As if I could be the first guy in The Bachelorette to make it in the top four with a girlfriend. That’s crazy.”
The only reason I say this is because he also said, “She shot me down. I’m going down in flames... You know, I think it’s going to take me a long time to be able to get back on my feet... This is just kinda another bump in the road. I’ll go back home. I’ve got my dog waiting and my band... Let me tell you what, tonight I’m in Spain and it’s about to go down. I’m going out. I’m cutting off the chains. I’m a free man.”
Why would it take him a long time to get back on his feet if this was all just a lark? Why would it be a bump in the road? He’s got a dog waiting and his band, but no mention of the girlfriend. Why would he need to cut off the chains?
Then again, he also said, “My acting days are over. I’ve definitely gone as far as I could go with Jillian. I’ve already done everything I’ve needed to do... We’re pushing a brand new single right now. I got a big radio tour I gotta do a.s.a.p.” And then he knocks the other fine, upstanding bachelors: “How could I lose to Reid? You gotta be kidding me! I was born at night, but not last night... And Ed! That boy couldn’t so much as get a nibble back in Texas... I’m in Spain/Everybody’s gonna know my name.”
So that’s that. Three good guys are left, which makes me proud of my Jillian. She’s proud of herself, her parents are proud, as are her friends. I feel like I’m a friend now.
Next week it’s off to Hawaii. And in three weeks, in the season finale, more drama! More tears! We hear Ed saying, “I didn’t want to hurt her but I have to do this.” For a dull guy, he sure knows how to break hearts.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
So we’re in a cramped hotel room. No PVR to replay what was missed. Having to tell my 4-year-old son I’ll deal with him on commercials doesn’t quite fly. But he was pretty good about it, actually. Still, I might have missed a bit. Feel free to correct anything in the comments section.
Speaking of comments, thanks for the ones I’ve been getting. It’s good to know there are a few readers out there. Lord knows there’s competition. Blogging about the show has become quite the cottage industry. I might have to give it up since so many others do it so well. Problem is, there’s no other show I watch religiously that I could blog about so it would leave a void in my life the size of Wes’s balls.
Tonight Jillian went on the hometown visits to meet five families. This episode in every season is always a treat because there’s always some embarrassing family member. This season is no exception.
First off was a visit to Filthydelphia. The Canadian ingénue says she had no idea that the City of Brotherly Love was so beautiful and she could easily see herself living there. She admits to some nerves worrying about whether Reid’s parents will like her and approve of her. First off: who cares? What is this obsession on this series with families? Yeah, it’s a bonus if you mesh with your spouses family, but if you don’t you’ve got lots of company. I can’t count the number of friends who barely tolerate their in-laws. Thankfully, my in-laws are all peachy. And I’m not just saying that. I’m also typing it. Second off: Who's not going to fall immediately in love with adorable Jillian?
Reid’s parents, Rhonda and Larry, seem like good people, but I was a little concerned with the dollar signs in Rhonda’s eyes. She saw Jillian not as a person but as a designer. She said they would love a designer in their family because then the condos they hawk would sell faster. So welcome to the family, dear designer person. What was your name again?
The family doesn’t exactly give Reid a ringing endorsement. His brothers say Reid has commitment problems and the sister-in-law says they don’t usually see him being affectionate with people. Rhonda agrees that it’s a little shocking to see him that cuddly. Thanks for the support, family! At least Rhonda had the good sense to tell Jill that Reid has been hurt once. She must have been tipped off that that’s a turn-on for Jillian.
And she was indeed turned on, judging by the extend-o-smooch on the porch.
Next she visited Michael’s family in Valencia, California. Michael, as we all know, is a breakdance teacher in New York and his hometown is Tacoma, Washington. But Tacoma’s a hole so he rented out a family in California, including an “identical” twin that looks only marginally like himself. But he made sure to slip everyone uppers so Jill would be fooled into thinking they were related.
In a classic move, Michael and his “twin” decide to switch clothes. Michael shaves, too, to really pull the whole thing off. He’s going to find out what Jillian really thinks. So he enters the kitchen and asks to speak to her. Without skipping a beat, Jill asks, “So what did you do with the scruff?” Damn, foiled again! Maybe his parents just told the boys they were twins and they grew to believe it.
Jillian tells the family that on her list of non-negotiables is someone who makes her laugh. You know, like that card Wes. Golly, that good ol’ boy is hysterical! But obviously she loves that about Michael, too. For weeks I’ve been saying I have yet to see any evidence that Michael is funny. Tonight, Jillian explained it to my satisfaction. She said she has the ability to laugh at just about anything. I get it now. Kinda makes that non-negotiable list item superfluous, doesn’t it?
During dinner, Michael’s sister Jenna surprises him by returning from Australia. The opportunity for even the briefest bit of national TV exposure was worth the 20-hour flight. Then his parents cut a rug followed by everyone else getting in on the act. “Am I nuts or does that girl just fit right in?” marvelled Michael. The post-visit kiss was postively Jake-esque in its awkwardness.
While in California, she zips down to San Diego for a visit with Kiptyn’s family. I thought for sure we’d get an explanation for his ridiculous name, but no such luck. Pre-visit, Kiptyn told her that he has two dads and was so lucky. Knowing how homophobic Jillian was over the gay cowboy scene, I was kinda hoping Kiptyn had two dads in that sense. Again, no such luck.
His mom and step-dad’s house, though, was “beautiful and breathtaking”, according to Jillian. Indeed, it could sub for the series mansion any time they need a fill-in. Kiptyn obviously comes from money. Judging from his step-dad’s ‘stache, my guess is the money comes from the porn industry.
Frankly, I didn’t see Kiptyn’s parents coming. He seems so normal. His mom, who has the kind of face money can buy, seems like a real ballbreaker. In her heart-to-heart with Jillian, she speaks her mind. With every empty platitude Jill offered about love, Eve called her on it. Jillian believes in unconditional love. Not old Eve. Well, I guess having the second husband pretty much says that anyway. Jillian says she wants to work for her happiness. Uh-uh, says Eve. That’s a contradiction in terms. “How do you deal with an overbearing mother-in-law?” asks the potential mother-in-law. Run, Jill, run!
On the plus side, Eve does look drunk and says they love to drink fine wine. So I think Jill will fit in just fine.
On to wine country, where Jill meets up with Jesse the winemaker. Hmm, all this time we thought Wes wasn’t here for the right reasons, just to further his fledgling career as an godawful country warbler. Well, the first thing Jesse does is get in a plug for his family’s winery. I missed the name, though. No doubt Eve took note of it back in San Diego, though.
We meet Jesse’s mountain man of a brother, Jacob. Jill asks if he’s dating anyone and he says no. His mother jumps in, trying to protect her child on national television, saying, “Not at the moment anyway.” Jacob has nothing to hide, however. He says, “Not at the last moment and not in the moment from now.” He says women are expensive. Yeah, that’s the reason he’s not dating. I love that line. Why doesn’t he just say there are no womenfolk on the mountain he lives on?
Jacob tells Jillian that Jesse is like an “emotional ice cube” sometimes. He hasn’t seen anyone who’s been able to crack him. Thanks for my back, big brother! Then he says Jill’s a lot better than any other girl he’s brought around. Quit while you’re behind.
I don’t know if the show’s producers recommend that families put on a talent show for every hometown visit, but this one ends with the brothers rockin’ it out with Jacob on electric axe and Jesse banging on the skins. On one flourish, a drumstick slips out of Jesse’s hands and impales itself in Jacob’s hair. At least that’s the story he’d tell the cops if his plan had worked to stab Jacob in the head for ruining his chance with Jillian.
Last but certainly least is Wes’s family visit in Austin, Texas. But first, Wes would like us all... er, he’d like Jillian, that is, to meet his band. Ladies and gentlemen, Wes and the Weasels! I think that’s the name of his band, anyway. Did you know they have a new CD coming out? Everyone’s talking about it!... No wait, just Wes is talking about it.
Jillian, sporting her slutty red cowboy boots, is loving it. She feels he’s singing just for her, not the millions of potential customers at home. Her heart, she says, is going a mile a minute. She says she can’t help but feel she could be a real happy girl spending her life with Wes. I'm not making that up.
Thankfully, Gentleman Jake comes to her rescue. He says he’s not there to get a rose back, but I’m sure he would have liked one. Rather, he’s there to warn Jillian about the snake oil salesman that is Wes, who’s a deceiver, according to Jake... and just about everyone else. “It’s not fair,” says the all-American reject. “Wes has been playing with Jillian’s heart. I’m going to put a stop to it today.”
Meanwhile Jill is saying things like Wes is the most incredible, most talented guy she’s ever dated. Seriously. She said that.
But Jake struggles to tell her what no one else had the guts to say. That Wes has a girlfriend. I thought that would be it, but he actually names names. He says Wes told him more than three times that he has a girlfriend and her name is Laurel. Jillian tears up, bravely saying that’s okay. But she also says she wonders if she should call it quits now. Oh, that would have been divine, wouldn't it? Just walk away from it all, leaving ABC in the lurch.
All this happened before the family visit. Jillian says Wes has been talking about his family since the moment she met him, which only gives ammunition to those who think that Wes is getting the bad-guy edit from the show’s producers. Why haven’t we seen this? Why haven’t we seen one of his more than three admissions to Jake that he has a girlfriend? Surely the guy must have some redeeming qualities. Jillian can't be that gullible.
Then again, when she confronts him, Wes hardly is convincing in assuaging any fears. At least for the viewers. Jillian seems to buy the bullshit. When she asks him point blank about having a girlfriend, he literally hems and haws and says, “Um... that’s... crazy.” Then this telling sentence: “I’m being as honest with you as I possibly can.” Perfect! Jillian gets to hear what she wants to hear, and he can go on continuing to technically not lie. What does that even mean? As honest as he possibly can? Guys everywhere are going to be using this line for generations to come.
Jillian places a call to Jake, who conveniently happens to have a cameraman in his hotel room with him, and Jake hurries over to confront Wes. Wes sarcastically calls Jake a “man of character” and talks about Jake’s “shit-eating grin.” Everyone knows the best defense is a good offense, right?
Jake asks Wes to look him in the eye and tell him he didn’t say on multiple occasions that he has a girlfriend. Even though Wes didn’t, I thought it was a tactical error on Jake's part since I’m sure Wes could easily look anyone in the eye and tell them whatever they wanted to hear.
Jillian, stuck in the middle, has to figure out what she’s going to do and then just follow her gut. And I think we all know where that will lead. Does she trust the all-American perfect guy or the all-Texas bad-boy, she wondered? Wes practically admits all when he says he doesn’t want to drag something out if it’s not going to come to something, and he doesn’t want to put her through something, either. That’s as best as he can do without screaming, “Yes, I have a girlfriend! Get rid of me!”
Meanwhile, Jake bends over the railing in the hotel and cries, as per Bachelor etiquette.
So off to Wes’s family Jillian goes. She meets his step-mom, mother and three sisters. They all gush over him like he’s the only boy in the family... Oh yeah, he is. His step-mom says Wes is so straight-up and will always tell you the truth. Parents are so naive, aren’t they?
And then this: Jillian tells them, “You guys should be very proud of this one here. He’s a very special person.” You can’t write this stuff! What are we missing here?! C'mon, producers, 'fess up. Give us at least a glimpse into the Wes that Jillian sees. I'll hate him anyway, I promise.
Then this very special person ends the segment saying, “Jake is who Jake is – a backstabbing piece of shit.”
Back at the hotel, Jillian tells us she can’t handle any more surprises... Knock-knock-knock... Greg Brady walks into the room. He was just in the neighbourhood. Ed tells her he made a bad choice and wants back in. He says a couple guys would be compatible with her, but nobody would be more compatible and he wants another shot. So Jillian invites him to the rose ceremony. I guess that means he’s getting a rose... unless she has a wicked sense of humour and just wants to dispose of him properly this time around. I can dream, can’t I?
So now she has to get rid of two fellas instead of just the one. There are only four roses with now six bachelors. Going into the “borderline excrutiating” rose ceremony, I thought maybe Michael and Wes would be sent home. Then I remembered Kiptyn’s domineering mother, Jesse’s mountain-man brother, and Ed’s non-existant family. The only sure thing, I thought, was Reid.
With the five guys lined up, Chris reintroduces Ed into the mix. I’m sure Wes thought it would be Jake, but you can never tell what’s going on behind Wes’s vacant eyes. Michael, on the other hand, is an open book. He can't hide any emotion that courses through his veins. I’d love to play poker with that guy.
The roses are handed out. First one goes to Reid, who I thought had the best hometown date. Next up, somewhat surprisingly, is Kiptyn. But maybe not surprisingly, afterall. What girl wouldn’t want to marry into that kind of money, even if it does come from porn? Third rose goes to Ed. I would have thought they would save him till last. And the final rose goes to... Wes. Nothing to say here. I'm numb.
I’m really, really hoping that was the producer’s pick. If not, I’m pulling for a Wes-Jillian trainwreck of a final rose because she deserves what she gets. Maybe, though, she’s now just stringing him along so she can reel him in and then cut him loose. Trouble is, he’s unreelable.
On his way out, Jesse hugs Jillian without saying a word. Just leaves. He says, “I feel like shit right now. It sucks. It’s a tough pill to swallow.” He also says Wes is here for the wrong reasons. True, but Wes didn’t wear a dorky vest to the final rose ceremony at least.
Michael whispers that she’s got good guys “back there.” Then tells us, “For a girl that just dumped me, that just broke my heart, I could not say a bad thing about her.” The three things he wishes he could tell her: she’s beautiful, he’s going to miss her, and be happy. It was touching. I think that was his audition tape for the next Bachelor.
Next week they go to Spain. Looks like Ed came back just in time. Got to skip most of the stupid shenanigans and goes directly to Europe. He's a bright one, that Ed.
In the upcoming highlights package, Wes mentions his “girlfriend... I mean ex-girlfriend.” You see why the producers keep bringing him back? That is gold!
See you next week. Or, as Kiptyn's cultured parents would say, "A demain!"
Keep those comments coming.