Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: Blah blah blah

It's the day after tomorrow already
Okay, enough procrastinating. I seem to live by the words of Mark Twain, who said, "Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the day after tomorrow just as well."

It was hometown week on The Bachelorette. Desiree went to visit the families of Zak, Drew, Chris, and Brooks. And there were no disasters.

In Dallas, hometown on Zak, Des sported one of her seemingly endless pairs of knee-high boots. I can't quite put my finger on it, but these boots are not made for walking when Des wears them. Normally I love me a good pair of knee-high boots on a lady. But maybe Des' legs aren't a good match. Or maybe I'm a sexist pig who shouldn't objectify women and comment on their body shapes. Keep in mind, I think Des is adorable. And a great person. With a good head on her shoulders. Am I covered?

Zak was geared up for this date. I mean even more than usual. He pulled up in his family's sno-cone mobile and the two drove around making kids' days. Zak even donned the family penguin costume to entertain the children. Des said, "The penguin's my boyfriend." That statement gave him added confidence that would come back to bite him in the butt at episode's end.

Bypass this line
Zak started out as the freak-show dude with a bad gimmick (to spend the entirety of the first episode shirtless). And first impressions are everything. Which is why I never really warmed to him. Until this episode. I finally saw what she saw in him. He's fun, he's genuine, he's smart. His family is cool, too. Completely normal. Or so I thought until Zak broke out the guitar and got his brother and sister to sing an original song to Des. Clearly it was a favour to them to help them get discovered without having to stand in line on American Idol. They gave it the full delusional karaoke singer treatment. I mean, their voices were good, I guess, but that was one of the most awkward moments on a series filled with awkward moments.

Des, who's proven she loves bad art, sat teary-eyed. It looked like she was really touched. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20 so we can see now she was crying because she knew she'd be breaking his heart very, very soon. It must have been even more painful when the guy who had given up on love finally worked up the nerve, after "weeks and weeks and weeks," to tell her he loves her. And to make matters worse, he popped out a ring to symbolize that moment he'd fallen in love with her. And then those words: "Des, I love you. I do."


But we were still innocently clueless and could dream of a life happily ever after between them at this point.

On to Scottsdale, Arizona, to meet the heart throb Drew's clan. I need to be very delicate here but this was the first week I'd noticed that Drew... um... didn't seem like... well... like he'd be the kind of guy to go on The Bachelorette. If you get my drift. It was just a feeling. It wasn't the pink shirt or the fact he said he doesn't think his family had ever seen him like this before. Maybe he's just too damn handsome for his own sake. He said, though, he'd fallen in love even though he hadn't yet "said those three magical words in order to her" before. That's the key, isn't it: They've got to be in order.

Drew took Des to pick up his sister, who is severely mentally handicapped. That was a nice moment and something I don't remember ever seeing on national television before.

Something else I've never seen on national television, or elsewhere: A man named Malachi. That was Drew's dad, who wasn't informed that his son had told the world all about him so was still on good terms with his son.

"I don't see a rose next week"
Drew finally screwed up the courage to put those three little words in their proper order. Nailed it on the first try! Maybe he and Zak had been practicing together because they said the same thing: "I love you. I do." He also added: "I see a future. I see happiness." He should have added, "I see dead people," but the guy isn't exactly known for a wicked sense of humour. Or any sense of humour, for that matter. He's very serious. I guess you either get looks or a funny bone.

Chris' family was in McMinnville, Oregon. Right off the bat (pun intended) we learn that Chris once played pro baseball. This was mentioned as if we all knew it. Did we? I must have missed it if we did. When Des marvelled at his athletic ability, I always thought she was being sarcastic, because the little Lord Byron wannabe never struck me as athletic in the least.

They played some baseball before heading over to the folks' place. Des could hit and that gave Chris a boner. And Des, always quick on the metaphor uptake, said Chris was "stealing" her heart. Get it? Baseball? Is this mic on?

Oh, she also whipped out a sketch book to show Chris her drawings of their time together. Let's just say it was on par with Chris' poetry, and just a little worse than that song Zak and siblings performed.

At his family's house, she mentioned falling on her back. Again, something I don't remember. I know I'm late with these blog posts every week but I swear I watch each episode from start to finish with the computer and iPhone off. Maybe my memory is just shot. Or my brain knows to expunge any needless information immediately.

Oh, so Chris' dad is a chiropractor, a well-respected arm of the medical community that is completely safe. He jumped right up and offered to take Des down to his basement office to perform some cracking on her. He put on his white doctor's coat, laid her down on the table, and began his manipulation. She laughed that it was "not weird at all" her lying there with her butt in the air, but was fine with it. The man's a professional, after all.

Then Chris came down to get his nose adjusted. Say what? No mention on why his nose needed adjusting but it looked damn painful. I can't even describe it without flinching. So I won't. After the adjustment, Chris sat up and talked to his dad about the girl of his dreams. The dad asked how she eats. He thinks it's very important to find a woman who takes care of herself.

Cut to: Mrs. Quack. Not the warmest of women. But I guess that was just her way. Her face gave no indication she actually liked Des. When Chris told her she was the one, Mrs. Quack heaved a heavy sigh, then said, "Well... I like her a lot." Who knew?

She also revealed that perhaps Chris is a bit of a stalker. She told Des that when she asked Chris what he wanted just prior to him leaving for the show, he responded, "If it's Des, that's what I want." So this guy saw this girl on TV and fell in love, then made it his mission to meet her. When he arrived at the show, he texted his mom excitedly and wrote, "Mom, it's Des!"

But Des doesn't seem to mind. To her, Chris is a blend of all the things she's been looking for. To Chris, they have a unique bond: "No way these feelings are being expressed with anybody else. They're too right and too real." I'd love to watch the series with him on TV.

Finally we go to Salt Lake City, Utah, to meet Brooks' family. And what a family it is. No idea how many there were but they wore name tags, so that'll tell you. They must be Catholic. Yeah, that's it.

There's been no mention of religion from Brooks, and he doesn't give off the religiony vibe so I can't see him being Mormon. Also, they sat in a park drinking wine and that's a Mormon no-no. Not only a Mormon no-no, but a legal one, too:
State law prohibits consuming liquor in a public building, park, stadium, or on a public bus.
Granted, perhaps it was just grape juice in a wine glass to keep up appearances, but still.

Des greeted Brooks with the Jillian Harris-patented running leg wrap. Remember, last week she said she was in love with the guy. She sat and shared with him her Unabomber-like scrawl of memories the two had shared. Oh, and she was wearing yet another pair of knee-high boots.

While Brooks seemed stand-offish, he was beginning to thaw. He said he was feeling closer to seeing them together in the union of marriage. Still not at the finish line stage, but it's a start.

At long last we got to see Des' brother. And he didn't disappoint! He's the same lovable mensch he was last season!

Clearly the producers were responsible for this little tete-a-tete. Turns out Des was quite pissed after he sabotaged her relationship with Sean and she didn't talk to him for a couple of months. She tried her best this time. He asked who was her favourite and wouldn't accept her non-answer. "They're all great, blah, blah, blah," he said mockingly.

She tried to tell him the positive attributes of each one but he wasn't the least bit interested. She said, in all seeming sincerity, "I think you would like all of them." Clearly she knows her brother more than we viewers do, but I think it's safe to say she couldn't be more wrong here.

When Des sat down with Chris Harrison, she said something I had to replay four times and I'm still not sure I heard her correctly. After admitting, "Yes, I love Brooks," she said she was "hopeful for a proposal and with Brooks." Did I hear that right? I'd say that's a rare admission on this show, but I don't think anything of the sort has ever been admitted at this stage of the game before. Something's gotta give. Clearly it was foreshadowing. In other words, it ain't happening. Which would explain the tears and the "I wanna go home" in the upcoming highlights.

She also mentioned that after Chris' hometown visit, she's now a little unsure, which I took to mean that Chris is a dark horse coming up the middle and making it a close race. Which means Drew has got to be the next to go. Although I'm still trying to figure out those highlights we saw a few weeks ago where it looked like Drew was leaving on his own and Des was telling him she only stuck around for him.

The rose ceremony was at the Beverly Hills Hilton and Des' brother was skulking around in the shadows catching glimpses of the guys he's going to torment later on. But there were no confrontations. The roses were handed out, predictably, to:

  1. Brooks
  2. Chris
  3. Drew
Okay, Drew wasn't predictable. I wasn't sure which of him or Zak would be chosen. I was hoping it was Zak because I just started to like him. But it was not to be. He was pretty choked, as you can imagine. "Completely shocked," is how he put it. And "completely numb." As she led him outside to explain herself, I was hoping he'd rip off his shirt and say, "Have you forgotten about these abs?" Maybe end it the way he started.

"I went on The Bachelorette and
all I got was these lousy abs."
He got in the limo, fully clothed, and tried to piece it together: "I tell her I love her and she cries. I don't get it." Again, maybe she was crying because she felt bad for how she was stringing you along. Then, to make matters worse, she gave him the ring back. Ouch. But just know that you were once her penguin boyfriend. They can't take that away from you, buddy.

And in a pity move that may get him named as the next Bachelor, he said, "I don't want to go back to the life I had because it's a lonely life." Then he tossed the promise ring out the window.

With that, we're done for another week.