Monday, February 29, 2016

Bachelor Ben: Don't cry for the next Bachelorette – Celebrate!

Welcome to beautiful Jamaica. Ben says to take a deep breath. Now hold. Now exhale slowly. Isn't that how they do it in Jamaica? Ganja, man.

We're watching Caila highlights. I don't remember her hula dancing. I think I'd remember that. And I don't remember her halfcourt mini-hoop shot. That girl is perfect.

Then there is Lauren. Ben looks at her with "googly eyes." But there are questions, he says.

And finally JoJo. He feels very confident around her. Except when her brothers are nearby. Then he's confused.

Three beauties. He says he's in love with two of them. Which two, I wonder? I gotta believe JoJo is on the outs just because of her family, but it could be Caila. I think Lauren is a lock. And I've never been wrong, except when it counts.

We see a person walking, the camera panning in from the feet up. At first I thought it was Caila. Turns out it was Ben. He's got some lovely gams. But here comes Caila, looking even more gorgeously cute. She's in a MaryAnn number and they go rafting down the river. Hope it's not a 3-hour cruise.

Cue the eerie music. There's no talking. Caila is feeling anxious. Doesn't matter now. If she isn't chosen, she's in a great position to be chosen the next Bachelorette, and I'd like to see that even more. A whole season of Caila-centric television? That's must-see TV. It would make me not dread the next season like I usually do.

Ben describes her as quiet, reserved and melancholy. He thinks she has something on her mind. They stop at a Jerk Centre. Make up your own joke.

Ben wants a woman who will talk about her emotions. Be careful what you wish for, my man.

She's digging her own date grave. But maybe this is her plan. She knows she'd be a great Bachelorette. Maybe she's sabotaging her chances on purpose.

Oh right, it's also Fantasy Suite night. Ben says "there could be" a fantasy suite. Come on. Caila decides not to be reserved tonight. Now is the moment for her to tell him she loves him. And thereby get her chance to prove it in the FS.

She's back to being bubbly and open. She says "part of me has wanted to tell you something for a long time." Ben looks sick to his stomach. But she says she's in love with him and they kiss. Heavy tongue action. He says nothing. She can tell he feels the same from his... breath? Yeah, that's what she said.

Who was that adorable contestant on a couple seasons? The one I couldn't stop writing about? She was a baton twirler. Can't think of her name, but Caila is on that level of adorableness. I know one of my regular readers will remind me of her name. I keep thinking Emily but that feels wrong. Hang on, I've got to Google it... Kacie! ... Yes, sweet Kacie! How quick we forget. I see she's married now. She could do much better.

Anyway, Caila accepts (or rather "takes advantage of" the fantasy suite). I don't want to think about that. She wakes up looking beautiful as always, Ben says. But he looks fresh, too. These two are two perfect together. They sit on the balcony holding hands and Caila says, "I love you." She feels giddy and confident. Hope she doesn't start thinking about the other two overnights.

Lauren is next. She, too, hasn't told Ben she loves him. She's wearing short shorts, jean cutoffs and a halter... sweater? They take off on a small motorboat. Ben feels she has a genuine joy and authenticity. They're greeted at Gibraltar Beach by a white man on Jamaica. Right on the heels of the Oscars, yet. Good Lord.

He leads them to a bucket of baby sea turtles that were birthed in the sand. It's Lauren's dream. Lauren mentions that they can live hundreds of years and she says she hopes her relationship with Ben can last that long. I think she was being hyperbolic.

They sit on the beach and Ben says she's too good for him. She feels the same way, only in reverse. They seal it with a kiss. But she's scared because she needs to tell him she loves him. They hug and kiss in the ocean. I'm glad Ben's horrid side midsection tattoo hasn't gotten much screen time or else I'd probably hate him. Just caught a glimpse of it and I threw up a little.

At night, Ben and Lauren head to Miss T's for a little live reggae music. But only a bit. Nobody should be subjected to reggae for too long.

They find a secluded table and sit down to talk. Lauren seems stilted. She says she's freaking out; doesn't know if she can tell him. She's not one to make herself vulnerable. I think she'll come through. Oh look, here's the invitation from Chris Harrison. She accepts, but still stilted. Hopefully their pillow talk is a little more relaxed. It's all or nothing for her, she says.

With the cameras still there, she screws up the courage to tell him she's completely in love with him. He's the man of her dreams. Why didn't she wait until they were alone? I wonder if the producers pressured her. Then they kiss and giggle and she says, "Ben, I love you." And he says, "I love you, too." There you go. Told you she was a lock. Then we hear him tell her again. Is this unprecedented? I thought they weren't supposed to reveal their feelings.

I can't see anyone else being the next Bachelorette out of these three except Caila. So it's good he's so in love with Lauren.

Ben even brings her breakfast in bed. They agree on no holding back going forward. SWAK. She doesn't look as fresh and beautiful in the morning, but Ben tells her YET AGAIN that he loves her, and that last night just cemented it. Man, I think they've also cemented the record for the word "love" in one segment. Enough already.

Ben says his heart is with Lauren but here comes JoJo. He says if he doesn't know at the end of the date that he loves JoJo, he's going to send her packing.

It's a chopper date. They land near a spectacular waterfall. They go swimming. Holy cow, that's some bikini on JoJo. He might just find the love he's looking for. At least enough for the Fantasy Suite. Unfortunately, it means more screen time for Ben's despicable mid-torso side tattoo.

She tells Ben she loves him, but not in a heartfelt way. What the... Ben tells JoJo he loves her, too! You know what that means? It means Caila is the new Bachelorette! Hurray!!! I mean, lucky JoJo. I guess.

Poor Caila, but it's for the best. The other two substandard ones can fight over that ridiculous tattoo.

Anyway, this is why the Bachelor doesn't usually reveal his emotions until he gets to the final one. Why bother telling two women you love them when it's only going to cause way more heartbreak with one of them.

Ben just took a fake sip of wine on a cheers. Is that like crossing your fingers behind your back?

Ben tells JoJo it doesn't scare him to tell her that he loves her. He should also add that what does scare him is that he also told someone else the same thing. Maybe the rule should be that the Bachelor has to say he loves all three final women.

They rehash the hometown visit. She says she looks up to her brothers more than anyone. That might make the decision between her and Lauren much easier for Ben. I can't help but think he's told her he loves her just to prove to her brothers that his feelings were sincere.

Not surprisingly, JoJo says she would love nothing more than to spend the night with Ben. So she does. He has the same morning routine with JoJo as he had with the others. JoJo also doesn't look as fresh and beautiful in the morning as Caila. But Ben says she's so cute. Meh. He must really love her.

He says his night with JoJo was one of the best nights of his life. Go figure. All his talk is of Lauren and JoJo. He says he just couldn't say he loved Caila. He can't "get there" with Caila. He thinks something is missing. His loss is America's gain.

Caila unsuspectingly goes to see Ben. All hopeful life. She can tell by the way he looked at her that he feels the same. Poor girl. She arrives all smiles and giddiness, finds him out back and rushes up to him. Ben sits there pretending to be unsuspecting with the camera on him. She leans over him and kisses him.

She wants to remind him that a relationship with her is going to exciting and fun and full of surprises. Funny you should mention that, Caila. Ben's got a big surprise for you.

Ben has to be honest with her. It's goodbye time. They sit down on some stairs and Ben starts in. Caila knows something is wrong. He's being coy. Says he's in love with two women but couldn't say it back to her. But she's picking up what he's saying. He says, "I'm going to miss you, Caila." She says, "You don't have to say that." She says she's just going to go, there's no reason to stay, but she accepts Ben's offer to walk her out. They hug at the vehicle and she says, "I really did love you." She gets in, sits for a moment, then hops back out to ask if he knew this week. She's not sure his answer will make him feel better, but she wants to take advantage of her time there to get some answers. He says he wouldn't have gone through this week if he knew. He tells her the others shared the same feelings with him.

She handles it like a champ. Like a future Bachelorette, in fact. Upset, to be sure, but saves the breakdown for the car. She says she was ready to be his wife, ready for it all. She feels like her purpose in life was to love other people and doesn't know why it hasn't happened yet. Hey kid, you're 24. You've got a full season ahead of you with 25 wonderful guys.

Ben says Caila's incredible and he hopes he didn't make a mistake. He did.

Rose ceremony time. A bit anticlimactic. JoJo and Lauren stand there waiting for a Caila that will never arrive. Ben arrives. He gives them the bad – they're not going to be the next Bachelorette.

The roses go in order to:
  1. JoJo
  2. Lauren
Here's hoping it was alphabetical. Out of these two, my money's on Lauren. When the three of them toast to love, Ben looks at Lauren, if that's any indication.

Ben says he's in a deep trouble. Yup. I'd say.

Next week is the Women Tell All episode. Thank God Caila got out in time so she can be included.

In two weeks, the finale. We see Ben taking out his phone and speaker calling someone. Did he send JoJo home and then regret it? Did he send Lauren home and then regret it? Or did he finally get some sense and regret sending Caila home? Hmm?! Or maybe he's calling Kacie!