Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Bachelor Canada: The Women Tell as Much as the Editors Will Let Them

I just couldn't do it. Despite my good intentions of getting this one in on time, I find myself here on game day scrambling to finish last week's recap. And start it, for that matter.

That was, without doubt, the worst ever Women Tell All episode in the history of the franchise. Not just the Canadian version, either. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it was the worst ever hour of television, period. Not because of the women, either. It just looked as if they farmed the editing, writing and lighting out to a community college first year television production course. It truly was embarrassing. I doubt there were two sentences in a row that actually were spoken together. Then there were the cringeworthy words like, "A look back at the journey, the emotional highs and the excrutiating lows." Of all the excrutiating lows, this was the excrutiatingest. And didn't you just love the shots of the silhouettes in the audience?

Anyway, let's get to the programming, such as it was. We were greeted with a tall guy who presumably is the host of the show. I mean, he looked vaguely familiar. I think I remember him from episode 1. He's just here to bookend the season, it looks like.

Tyler (the host) got right to business focussing on what we all wanted to hear about: Sonia. Remember her? The 42-year-old who lasted a couple of episodes? Coming back to you? The show was crammed into one hour. Clearly they edited out tons. Why not just edit out this whole segment and concentrate on people who lasted a little longer and provided some drama?

Then they flipped over to the youngest pup, Rileigh, 23. Tyler mentioned that she seemed jealous. Honestly, that's something I never picked up. I mean, certainly no more than many of the others. But with each episode being only one hour, there was so much they didn't show us. The one saving grace of this episode was that we got to see footage that didn't make it to air the first time through. But nothing, other than Tyler's words, that showed Rileigh to be particularly jealous. But she admitted it, in a delightfully Canadian-sounding way (even though I've never heard anyone else say it that way here): "Oh, that's fair to say. Yeah, I was right jealous. Yeah, I was pissed." Right jealous. Got that?

Kaylynn revealed that her emotions took her by surprise because in real life, "I'm not like that. Like, I don't cry." Uh-huh. Rileigh, the delight, snarled her lip and made a growling sound, saying, "I don't know how to put that into words but that's how I felt about it." Kaylynn laughed and said, "That's her own opinion." And, it should be added, everyone else's.

Tyler read some more of that award-winning writing when introducing Kaylynn, with, "...bringing her dreams to a heart-wrenching end." Kaylynn said the whole thing was "quite embarrassing." But she cautioned us to not "judge someone when you don't really know them." Fair enough. Point taken.

She and Martha talked about their run-in when Kaylynn called her a bully. But they also revealed they "hugged it out." Of course, we never got to see that part.

Then we got a montage on April Burlesque. For no reason at all! Why? The show was too short for her Jennifer Tilly shtick. But I guess they needed some comic relief. We saw a clip of her that didn't make it in originally. She said, "I do want a family. If I don't have my own children, I'll just do as I did with my boobs – buy 'em!"

Then we got the Natalie montage. Sitting with Tyler, she said she returned just to "stir the pot a bit, cause a little bit of drama. I knew for sure Tim was not into me but I came back to stir the pot." This was met with gasps and laughter. All the women were against her. At least, that was the impression from the wonky editing. She said she was "always 100 percent myself, but I wanted to be my best self. So I didn't want to swear, I didn't want to do anything that could jeopardize my profession." Good for her. Lisa thought (maybe correctly) that it wasn't really her, then. But we all don't go around swearing and bashing people in all situations. All the women thought Natalie was selfish for returning and infringing on the others' very real relationships with Tim. No, they really said that!

Next was the Lisa montage. Again, we got to see some footage we hadn't seen before. Of note was when she said of Seashell, "She just doesn't have a lot going on in her brain." When asked to respond, Seashell said, "Actually, I probably don't have anything to say because I have nothing up here, right?" Boom! Oh, yes she did!

Seashell called Lisa out on her two-facedness, noting that Lisa says she hates fake people yet showed hate for Natalie when she wasn't around but was the first to hug her and say nice things to her face. Natalie, too, wanted to know why she said everything behind her back and not to her face. Lisa made a face and said, "Oof, that would have been really awful saying that to your face!"

Then she pled drunk. "You know, I don't want to blame that one on the liquor, but I'm going to go ahead and blame that one on the liquor." She may or may not have been drunk right then. Seashell was having none of it, noting that they all were drinking but no one else treated anyone else that way. Lisa then pled human: "I'm human. Yeah, I can be nasty. Yeah, I can say some really mean things. And you know what? Seeing it is the best way to change it so I'm sorry--" And then there was a quick fade in the middle of her sentence to give the appearance she was finished. Did I mention the brutal and comical editing?

As for her kissing experience in a bar in Italy, it was the liquor again. She didn't know exactly what happened. But when Tyler asked if she regretted it, there were no pithy answers. She replied straight up: "Yes, I do regret it." Tyler asked everyone if that sufficed. They all shook their heads no. Then Tylyer said, "Lisa, thank you so much for being here." Um, what? Hang on! This calls for more discussion. And we went to commercial. They could have scrapped the segments on Sonia, Rileigh and April Burlesque.

Next was Seashell's turn. Nothing to see here. Move along. She's okay and she's happy. Tim joined her and told her she's going to make someone happy. The edited in the audience clapping and an ecstatic-looking Seashell.

While Tim was out there, Lisa apologized for "disrespecting him" in Italy and said she was sorry. Tim said he didn't say goodbye to her "because she kissed someone; I said goodbye because those events led me to not being able to trust her." What events? That kissing event? So the kissing was fine? I don't get it. If she had told him she was going to go out and make out with a waiter, he would have been okay with that?

He had interactions with Dom and Kaylynn but nothing to speak of. I did notice they edited in more applause for Kaylynn.

The blooper reel was meh. We saw Kaylynn crying on the auto-flush toilet, heard Tim say "enormous" a bunch of times, smelled Trish farting, and witnessed Seashell's independent eyeballs.

Then we were told about the "epic two-part finale." What's that now??? Two parts? Will it be the "fun-loving Trish or the mysterious April?" Judging from the upcoming highlights, it might be Trish because it seemed as if April was having a meltdown and wanted to go home. But we'll see.

I'll be back here... soon? Soonish? When I get around to it? Yeah, that's more like it.