Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Bachelorette JoJo: Two, two, two 2s-on-1

Howdy. I think that's how they greet people in Argentina. I know there are cowboys there, anyway. The gang is in beautiful Buenos Aires and they've all been coached in the correct pronunciation of that capital city. Who pronounces it the way it's supposed to be pronounced? Only Spanish speakers and news announcers. But you should have heard JoJo say Buenos Eye-rays. Bueno, indeed!

We are more than halfway through this season, thank God. It's okay and JoJo is better than I thought she'd be, but I've got no real rooting interest in anyone.

Chris Harrison makes a guest appearance this week. I guess he always wanted to go to Argentina because he served no purpose. He sat down on a bench with JoJo but nothing of import was said. Then he gathered the fellas together to tell them that his week, for the first time in franchise history, there'd be a second 2-on-1 date in a season. Good thing he was there. How else could they have found out? He earned his paycheque this week.

Deejay Wells gets the 1-on-1 date. The date card reads, "Besame, besame muchacho." Which translates roughly to, "Kiss me, kiss me, dude." Apparently Wells is the only one left to not shared spit with JoJo. All the guys are in shock at his oral chastity instead of getting the sudden realization that they're not so special. She's tonguing everyone. And that's why she chose Wells for this date: for the sole reason of kissing him.

But that card has got him on edge. Even after dressing for his date, he says he's not ready at all. When JoJo arrives, Luke asks her, "Are you guys gonna kiss today?" She responds, "Hmm, that's funny, isn't it?" But yes, that's the plan.

They walk through Buenos Eye-rays and Wells buys JoJo a bracelet from a street vendor. Ka-ching! JoJo takes a mental note: No body, no game, no money.

They attend a performance (kind of) of a show that translates to Brute Force. It involves watching people frolic in an elevated pool from underneath. Now you can see why it's called Brute Force. They do something on a treadmill and Wells, desperately trying to find the right moment to go in for his big moment, goes for a high-5 instead. They miss. JoJo offers him her cheek, which he pecks. Fail.

When Wells and JoJo get in the pool, there's lots of rolling around together. It brings out the confident, romantic side of him. So long neurotic, terrified Wells.

He's so confident that at dinner he tells her they're "pretty different" people. She readily agrees. Whoops. That didn't go so well. Then he tries a new tack. He tells her he had a revelation: all the "perfect" people he dated in the past turned out to be not so perfect. So now he's not looking for perfect. Basically, I like you JoJo because you're not perfect. Just what every woman wants to hear – especially ones who've gone to the trouble of paying for perfection through surgery.

He tells her about his past relationship, one that lasted four years "collectively." Not sure what that meant. But they lived together before realizing they were more friends than lovers. Pretty sure that meant his ex felt that way.

JoJo tells him she's looking for her "unicorn." Wells, understandably, looks skeptical. Unicorns aren't real. She says she thinks relationships never have to fade away. Wells looks at her like she's a unicorn.

Ultimately, Wells doesn't get the rose. JoJo feigns sorrow. She cries minus the tears. It's the polite thing to do. When the driver comes to take Wells' bag away, the guys are all in shock. "No!" says one. "You gotta be kidding me!" says another. It's a complete 180 of moments ago when they were predicting Wells would be sent home.

A group date consisting of Jordan, Luke, Not James Taylor, Robby, and Wee Alex explore the city. Walking in a line really drives home just how vertically challenged Wee Alex is. Nothing wrong with that, understand. Just sayin'.

But it's Not James Taylor who feels like an imposter with these "cool dudes." He says he's not the sexy guy. Say what you will about him, but he's firmly planted in reality. But enough with the self-deprecation. He went a little overboard, never missing a chance to set our expectations low with him.

While out for a stroll, the gang comes across a pickup soccer game. Game on. It's the gringos vs the caballeros. Not sure how it went but at the end the locals come up with the idea that the tourists should do a kick-off/shoot-out (not sure the right lingo) against their best goalie with the winner getting a kiss. And here you know the producers played a huge part in the outcome. With all of Not James Taylor's woe-is-me attitude, they had to give it to him. Everyone else lined up for a kick and whacked it at the goalie but he made every save. Until it was Not James Taylor's turn NJT gave a weak little shot and the goalie didn't even try to stop it. Gooooaaaaallll!!!! and Kiiiiiissssss!!!!

But it was nothing like the kiss she gave later to Luke. She said she's running out of words to describe the level of passion between them. The spark, she says, is "crazy." Why can't someone interrupt them? It happens all the time but never in such moments of crazy passion.

Not James Taylor gets a moment with JoJo and decides to expose Jordan for what he is: a male. Turns out they were playing poker and had a disagreement about the rules and Jordan didn't bend over. The nerve! The word "entitled" gets bandied about. Then NJT asks JoJo if he can kiss her and proceeds to devour her face as she leaned back defensively.

Then JoJo asked to speak to Jordan. Why does she do this? If someone comes to you in confidence to rat out another player, don't compound the issue by essentially ratting out the rat. Wait a bit, then slyly allude to a problem. Although I'm sure the producers put a bug in her ear to suggest she stir the pot.

Anyway, Jordan tells her that James is one of his best friends in the house (even though they're actually in a hotel). He tells JoJo he's the farthest thing from entitled, although he admits he doesn't quite know what the word means. He doesn't think he's better than anybody, he says. Integrity is huge for him. Then he goes back and calls James "pathetic" so I'm guessing he now thinks he's better than at least one other person.

Not James Taylor thinks Jordan is just in this for fame. Says the guy who whips out his guitar at every opportunity.

The group date rose goes to neither of them. Instead she gives it to a guy who continues to make her feel good and special and excited about the future: Bouffant Luke. Then she looks around at the other guys with a "and-what-are-you-gonna-do-about-it?" look.

Next up is the dreaded 2-on-1 date. Well, Chase is dreading it. Derek is pretty chill. And confident. Way too confident for a bank teller, that's for sure. And because we keep hearing him tell us how he's going to get the rose, we know this means the exact opposite.

The three of them go off to tango. And as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. See, this is why they had to do a second 2-on-1 date. The writers insisted. That line was just too good to pass up. Throughout the practice, Derek's voice-over tells us what a lock he is to get the rose while Chase seems to agree with him. He's pulling a Not James Taylor with the underdog crap.

When she gets alone with Derek, he tells her he's falling for her. "I appreciate that," she tells him curtly. They kiss but a bit reservedly. Then he calls her back for more and this time their tongues get to know each other.

With Chase, she tells him she has strong feelings for him but isn't getting anything back from him. He's shocked to learn this. He tells her he wants his future to be with her as soft music chimes in. They kiss, but this time she goes to him. She wipes the taste of Derek off in Chase's mouth.

Then it's rose time. The only one surprised is Derek. Doesn't even seem like a close decision. She walks Derek out to the waiting car. It's back to the bank for him. "I didn't think this was going to happen," he said. Duh. "I'm Derek. And Derek is imperfect." Derek then tells Derek not to cry while crying.

Chase and JoJo walk into a room with a string quartet and keyboard. From a balcony overhead, a singer sings the only Argentinian song anyone's ever heard (written by Brit Andrew Lloyd Webber), Don't Cry For Me Argentina. And as luck would have it, Derek cried a lot in the vehicle which the editors interspersed with the happy couple and singer. That's cold.

At the cocktail party, Jordan tells her he wants to be in love and engaged at the end of this and he thinks they can get there. He says he wants to "do life" with her. She's smitten. He's definitely getting a rose.

The too-well-groomed Robby isn't wearing socks. That should be enough to send him home.

Wee Alex attacks JoJo's face. Bouffant Luke continues to look creepy. Not James Taylor says the other guys make more money, are better looking, and smarter. He feels like chopped meat. But who doesn't love chopped meat?

It's rose time. We were teased that JoJo might be sending two men home because we saw her saying she couldn't give the last rose out. Of course that means nothing of the sort. Anyway, pre-rosed were Chase and Luke. The other roses went in order to:
  1. Sockless Robby
  2. Chickenlegs Jordan
That left Wee Alex and Not James Taylor to sweat it out as she consulted with Chris Harrison. She tells him she feels sick to her stomach. I hope she's not pregnant! She gave CH the rose then went back to tell the guys she couldn't give it out. But wait! Here comes Chris Harrison! Off the canvas! He has two roses on a tray to save the day! Psyche!

      3. Wee Alex
      4. Not James Taylor

 I guess because she unexpectedly sent home Wells there was room at the hotel for one more. The underdog Not James Taylor gets a supportive shoulder rub from the guy who called him "pathetic."

Wee Alex, who was the jerk last week, got back to his jerky ways just in time at the end. He said he considered his and NJT's roses as "pity roses." He needn't be too concerned. I'm sure it's the last one he'll get.