Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Bachelor Sean: A blogger laments

So long Kacie; we hardly knew ye
Okay, enough procrastinating. I'm over my deep funk brought on by dear sweet lovable Kacie getting the ungracious boot by that loutish Sean. He doesn't know what's good for him, apparently, just like all the rest. Why should I go on caring about this ridiculous show when all that's good in the world is gone? Get this, my wife actually had the audacity to predict Kacie would be sent home and what's more, that she deserved to be! Don't worry, I'm sure it'll blow over. We'll get over it. 

Kacie, if you're out there reading this and you want to get away, we've got a spare futon. You can come and show my wife that you are the real deal and nothing bad ever deserves to happen to you. We can blog about the rest of the season together.

As disrespectful as my wife's comments were, I think the reason why we're still together is because she immediately brought my spirits back up by asking if I thought Kacie would be the next Bachelorette. In my grief, that hadn't crossed my mind. But as soon as she mentioned it, I thought, "HELL YES!!!" Who wouldn't love that? Come on, now! Let's make it happen.

When the loutish Sean made Desiree sweat it out by picking her last in the rose ceremony, I was thisclose to being done with the season. I mean, Kacie and Desiree, the two cutest, sweetest women gone? I'd be catatonic. Thankfully, it never came down to that.

This episode started with 16 gals. There'd be two one-on-one dates and one group date, not in that order.

My other front-runner, Lesley M., the DC politico, got the first one-on-one continued to impress. As the Lout said, she's sexy, smart and funny. He took her to Hollywood's Guinness Book of Records Museum. Turns out his dad set a record for fastest drive through the 48 contiguous states, clocking in at 97 hours and 7 minutes. I have no idea how that was verified, but it was accepted by the record-keeping company. So Sean didn't want his old man to be the only one in the family with a pointless record so he arranged to break a record of his own. He found probably the easiest one to break given his weekly 120 minute allotment of prime time television exposure. It turns out the record for longest on-screen kiss was a measly 3:15. No idea who set it but no doubt it was a smidge steamier than the one he planted on Lesley.

Lesley did her part to sex it up, wrapping her arms around Sean's neck and running her fingers through his hair. I know the rules were that their lips must be in contact for the full time, but surely that didn't mean just pressed up against each other without movement for the duration. Is that kissing or just standing really, really close to someone? But it did the trick. They are the new record-holders.

That night they cranked up the romance factor. First Lesley revealed she was a high school nerd who loved studying and hanging out with her family and that her parents are still madly in love. Then she transformed from nerd to vixen, taking control by showing Sean how to really kiss. I think Sean forgot everything Ari taught him about kissing because he jammed his tongue into her mouth.

Lesley admitted she's falling in love with the lout. "He's perfect," she said. Sean said he has "high hopes for our future." That sounded promising until we heard him tell several others last night essentially the same thing.

Needless to say, Lesley was offered a rose. And she accepted. She's no Kacie, but I like her.

The group date saw Sean and 12 ladies hanging out at the beach. That is, until a long-sleeved and -panted Chris Harrison awkwardly showed up to announce a challenge. They were going to split into teams and play a game of winner-take-all beach volleyball, 6-on-6 style (beach volleyball, unlike the indoor variety, is usually 2-on-2, sometimes 3-on-3 and rarely 4-on-4). The winners would get to hang out with Sean that night; the losers would go back to the mansion and pout.

Team 1 was Kacie (sigh), cute Desiree, wedding dress sub Lindsay, lipsticky Jackie, quirky back-flipping Robyn, and the dark cloud Amanda.

Team 2 was Seattle's Catherine, stalker Tierra, literal Daniella, bragging model Kristy, poker dealing Leslie H., and Taryn, who doesn't watch the show.

Game to 21. Judging from the highlights, a point was scored on one hit each time. If there were any points scored off rallies where the ball went over the net more than once, they weren't shown. Either the server would get it in, resulting in a point, or the server would get it out, resulting in a point for the other team. So it was a barn-burner. The score progressed from 10-10 to 12-12 to 20-19 and game point. I won't keep you in suspense any longer: Team 1 won.

This didn't sit well with the bragging model, Kristy, who went on to become the bawling model. Leslie H. also shed tears over the match. Daniella whined that Sean hadn't yet seen her romantic, serious side. Meanwhile, the terminally cute Des said, and I quote (which explains the quotation marks), "Our team won! Yay!" Even in writing that's just damn cute.

The winners celebrated with some quality time with Sean. Well, except for poor Kacie. Lindsay, in an ongoing effort to shed her wacky drunken bride persona from the first night, told Sean, "You're everything I'm looking for." Sean told her she keeps surprising him. And borrowing from his comments to Lesley M., told Lindsay, "I'm excited about where this possibly could go."

With Desiree, he told her, "I feel like I'll never get tired of hanging out with you." She replied, "Never. I'm fun." And that wasn't a brag. Or didn't come off as one. It was fun. But she revealed that she has a deeper side, too. She thinks differently from most other people, she told him. I'm not sure exactly how, but I believe her. Her cockiness is delivered in such a fresh and adorable way, it's palatable. Sean said he admired her confidence. Implying she's not threatened by anybody else in the house, she said, "What I have may be what you want and I don't have to worry about anybody else."

And further proving his point told us she's confident she'd get the date rose.

Next the dark cloud Amanda, who apparently excelled in the team competition, had a sit-down with Sean, saying she had something "super serious to talk about" and then proceeding to say nothing of consequence. Des could overhear the whole thing and remarked that Amanda was "dark and creepy"yet was remarkably upbeat around Sean. Amanda came back to the pack and informed everyone she'd be getting the rose – "and it has nothing to do with volleyball. Nothing." That right there is the difference between cockiness and confidence.

Kacie then took her turn with Sean and completely miscalculated in her game plan. No question. I'm not making excuses for her. But is that one slip reason to send her home considering all the other detritus back at the mansion? No, I tell you!

She told Sean she felt like she's been punched in the face, like she's caught between a rock and a hard "spot". Between Desiree and Amanda. This was clearly a gambit because there's no way she felt anything. What she was trying to do was alert Sean to the danger that is the dark cloud that is Amanda and along the way take away some of the bright light that is Desiree. "I can't be myself," she fibbed.

"Why are you saying something to me," Sean asked. 

"I'm stuck in the middle. I'm not a 'drama person'. I'm having a hard time being myself because I'm worried about that," she said.

"Why are you involving yourself?" Sean rightfully asked. "I want you to act like Kacie, not like this crazy person I'm seeing."

Fair enough. Point taken. No need to act rashly. Lesson learned. She knew she made a mistake. Not every coach's play works out in the end but it doesn't mean they're a bad coach.

Kacie was inconsolable after that blunder. "I've screwed up. I look like a crazy person." She started crying, told herself she wasn't supposed to cry this early in the proceedings, and walked away. Okay, that did look a little crazy, granted. But I'm sticking with her! Kacie for Bachelorette!

Lindsay, who, I would argue, acted just as crazy early on, got the rose, shocking both the confident Des and the cocky Amanda.

The third one-on-one date went to AshLee. When the date card was read by Tierra, she cruelly added "and Selma" before revealing it was just a hilarious joke. No, Selma would not be going on a date this week. Funny, right?!

All we knew of AshLee was that she was a very serious adoptee. On this date, we'd get to know her a bit more. "Nothing will and can go wrong today," she intoned prophetically. But as she waiting for Sean to pick her up, stalker Tierra took a tumble down the stairs. Well, supposedly. We didn't see it. We just heard a crash and she was lying at the bottom of the stairs. The paramedics arrived because she had apparently hit her head in her fall and wasn't responding to anyone. Sean, "as a guy who's had several concussions" (!?), thought it could be serious. But Tierra wanted nothing to do with medical attention. They loaded her on a stretcher and affixed a neck brace to her. "I don't want to do this," she said. "This is so stupid." So they let her be. She went off on her own.

When Sean arrived to sit with her, she lit up and was laughing with him. Stalkers are crafty, aren't they?

But AshLee did get to go on her date. Sean wanted to see if she had some "kid in her". As I mentioned, she is a pretty serious sort. They arrived at Six Flags park where they'd get the run of the place. There they'd meet two teenagers with chronic illnesses (mitochondria) who had never met but had become best long-distance friends through their illness's organization. One was from Las Vegas; the other from North Carolina. Considering mitochondria gives them pain and fatigue, I thought it was perhaps curious to send them to a theme park. But they had a blast.

Sean said he was looking for someone with a "kind, caring heart." If that's his whole criterion, AshLee stands a good chance. She's also got amazing legs. Not sure where that fits in but it's probably somewhere. 

Continuing with the hilarious tradition of no-name bar bands being passed off as big stars, the date was capped off with Sean's "favourite band" – the Eli Young Band. No disrespect to Eli Young and his bandmates (well, maybe a little) but out of all the amazing musical acts throughout recorded time that Sean could have chosen to be his favourite, this generic country ensemble wins? Maybe they edited out his caveat: "My favourite band that was available, willing and that the producers could afford."

Finally AshLee was given some alone time with Sean so she could open up about her past. She's been through a lot, she said, and didn't want to overwhelm him. She slipped in that she was adopted at the age of 6 after having been abused in a foster home while talking about future children. Sean asked her what she sees her family looking like and she had possibly the quote of the night: "I definitely want as many children as my husband and I decide." She's got a bright future in politics, that one.

When she mentioned she'd also like to adopt an older non-baby child, Sean said that's something he's always wanted to do. It's "in my heart." And this was before he knew she was adopted, leading her to the second best quote of the night in a matter of seconds: "That's unexpected to hear out of your mouth."

She then tells Sean the story of meeting her adoptive dad. Sean teared up and I've got to admit, I very nearly did, too. Sean gave her a rose. I'm not sure she has any "kid" in her, but she's definitely worth keeping around. And he then rehashed his comments he gave to Lesley M., Desiree and Lindsay. This time the variation on a theme went like this: "I've got the highest hopes for you and us." Is this not leading people on? Each one of these women would be right to think she has a special connection to Sean that no one else has. I guess it'll make for some good drama when he sends them home.

A very emotional AshLee was relieved that Sean had no issue with "everything I'm insecure about." I can't pretend to know what she's gone through, but I see no reason for her to feel insecure about it. Would somebody love her less because of any of it? Rationally, no, but I guess that experience before the age of six puts that thought in your head.

When she was done opening up to Sean, that generic band started playing behind them. Were they eavesdropping the whole time?

At the cocktail party, Sean took Sarah, the Valley girl, aside because she hadn't received a date this week. He told her he had a surprise for her and they walked outside to a car pulling up. "Are you sending me home?!" she twanged. "No, you can't do this to me!" But nothing like that. Sean had ever-so-thoughtfully arranged to have Sarah's companion, Leo, brought to her. Not all that big of a hassle considering Sarah is also from Los Angeles, but it's the thought that counts. I wonder if we'll see the dog throughout Sarah's remaining episodes.

Tierra had some killer quotes, such as, "I get what I want. Karma's a bitch." She interrupted Desiree, which ignited a game of interruption all night long. Desiree was pissed off. She sat waiting for Sean to return but he was constantly being pulled in different directions. "This is so stupid," Desiree said. "I'm not playing this game."

Kacie took the time to apologize for her actions of the other night. "The delivery is not what it should have been," she said. Sean coldly agreed, saying he thought they had turned a corner at the photoshoot date, but then took a couple steps back on the volleyball date. They were then interrupted and Kacie knew her fate.

At the rose ceremony, before he handed out the first flower, he asked to speak to Kacie. In this history of this franchise, every single time a contestant has been pulled aside, that contestant sticks around. Not this time. Sean told Kacie he respects her too much to make her stand through another rose ceremony and sent her home. All she said in reply was, "Good luck." True to the Kacie I know, she had a classy exit speech. She was sad but not pathetic. She said on the last show she had no regrets. This time, though, she had regrets.

Back to the ceremony. Lesley M., Lindsay and AshLee were all pre-rosed and safe. The other roses were handed out in the following order:
  1. stalker Tierra
  2. poker dealer Leslie H.
  3. pretty Catherine
  4. literal Daniella
  5. back-flipping Robyn
  6. Selma (I've got nothing on her)
  7. Valley girl Sarah
  8. lipsticked Jackie
  9. dark cloud Amanda
  10. cute Desiree
With Kacie already gone, that meant bragging/bawling model Kristy and lone-wolf Taryn would be going home. Apparently Sean didn't respect them enough so they had to sit through the rose ceremony. Taryn said, "I might not be sweet enough for him." And Kristy, predictably, bawled.

And that was all. See you all back here next week. And Kacie, call me!


Anonymous said...

Woohoo, I've got Lindsay in my work pool ... lets keep it going!

Anonymous said...

I noticed Kacie came back a little too confident this time and that was her downfall. She was so eager to make the other girls leave. If any girl acted like she didn't want to be there, Kacie seemed apatheic but she really just wanted to talk them into leaving. Then she said she wanted to work the Amanda/Dez thing to her advantage. Definitely got what was coming. Kacie was brining up drama way too early. All bachelors hate this and they always send home the girls who snitch.

The best way to make it to the end is to not get jealous, have a great personality, know how to kiss, and be pretty. Nothing else required. I'm not sure who would want to marry a girl who doesn't care that you made out with 15 other girls though.

Anonymous said...

Well Mr Blogger you did find two great pics of Kacie but she had to go. Way too much bronzer. @Anon#2 good one, lol. But don't judge, most people have kissed at least 15 people before they vow not to kiss anyone else. Assuming Sean kisses all 15 that would probably bring his number to 16.