Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Bachelorette Andi: The nice villain

And then there were four... But first there were six, which is where we found ourselves at the start of this episode, with Andi and the fellas in Belgium. Josh the Jock, Farmer Chris, Coach Brian, Nick the Prick, Marcuszzz, and Samurai Dylan had one last chance to advance to the hometown dates. Two wouldn't make it.

Half the guys sported big pouffy scarves this week, most hilariously sported by Farmer Chris. I dare him to wear it back home in Iowa. He'd be laughed off the farm in record time. The other two with the neckwear were Marcuszzz and Nick the Prick. I thought the other three should have been given immunity to the next week but since Andi also was apparently sponsored by the scarf company, two of the bare shouldered ones would, indeed, be left out in the cold.

In this episode, we finally got to see a bit of what the other guys hate about Nick the Prick. Only a bit, though. Out of all the Bachelorette villains over the years, he's got to be the nicest. He's just overly confident, verging on cocky. Or "persistent," as he spins it. But he's also measured and can see the other side of the argument, which we get to see when the other fellas confront him but in the private room where he's talking to the camera, I'm guessing his nice-guy comments are edited out. So instead we get these gems: "The rest of the guys are wasting their time. I 100% feel Andi and I will end up together." And "There's me and no one else. No second, no third..."

Marcuszzz got the first one-on-one date. Didn't phase Nick one bit: "It's hard to imagine Marcus ending up with Andi if she's going to end up with me."

On their date, Andi and Marcuszzz ordered mussels in Brussels. Just what you want in a country that is almost completely landlocked. Andi said the most anglicized bonjour and merci I've ever heard. She speaks French with the √©lan and flair of the most English person you can imagine. Marcuszzz tells her – yet again – that he loves her. She does her best not to nod off in her mussels.

There was no rose on the date, so no pressure. Not immediate, anyway. They had dinner at the very fancy Academy Palace. Andi wanted to know about who she'd meet if she decides to go to his hometown next week. This is where I was convinced Marcuszzz had lost it. They'd go to his sister's house where Andi would meet his mother, brother, and sister. His dad doesn't play a role in his life. He left the family and apparently blamed the mother and Marcuszzz. "It's not your fault," Andi consoled him. But how did she know? He could have been a little shit.

Okay, nothing bad so far. Then he said his mom used to beat him and that she'd admit to not being the best mom. He described their relationship as "dysfunctional," although it's good now. "He's a goner," is what I wrote down. But Andi said, "He's an amazing guy" and called him "resilient." "He's everything I've been looking for in a man. No doubt in my mind he's going to be an amazing husband and father." If he doesn't beat his kids or leave (those things tend to repeat). "This is a man, a total package man, in front of me."

It's still kind of funny how former pro baseball player Josh got the jock edit while there's no mention of Marcuszzz being a former pro soccer player. Andi is so worried about the jock aspects of Josh but it's not like soccer players don't have women throwing themselves at them.

Dylan's barber
I mentioned Samurai Dylan above. After weeks, I finally came up with a nickname for him based on his appearance. Did you notice that tiny little unecessary pony tail at the top of his head that hung down all the way to about a centimetre below the top of his head?

The persistent Nick decided to make an unscripted move. Or was it? He just had to see Andi but didn't know what room she was in. So at this hoity-toity place that's hosting this big prime-time American television crew, he tells the front desk he lost his key, can't remember his room number, and says it's in his wife's name, Andi Dorfman. And the soon-to-be-fired front desk person gladly reveals her room number. Reeks of a set-up, doesn't it?

So up he goes and knocks on her door. But first he tells us, "I don't know how she'll take it." Did they stop him on the way up and bring him to the interview room? After all that, he finally gets to her room and she's still wearing the outfit and jewelry she had on for Marcuszzz's date. She makes a quick change and they go for a walk.

Andi recognized that Nick was breaking the rules but said that all the guys should want to sneak over to see her. I'm sure the others are thinking why there are rules if there are no consequences for breaking them. It's a funny position for a district attorney to take. Later Nick mentioned that Andi wasn't allowed to say certain things to him, but why can't she break the rules, too? Where's the consistency?! They make out and Andi said, "When he kisses me it's like I can feel what he's thinking."

And they make fun of the French!
The next (real) date was with Josh. In Ghent, they saw a goose parade. Yes, a goose parade. Belgians hadn't seen that much goose-stepping since 1940.

Andi wanted Josh to open up on this date. And he finally admitted something. Kinda. He said, "I have feelings for you." Andi, all hopeful, asked, "You have feelings?!" "Maybe just a little bit," he smirked, and Andi gave a pouty look.

Later she said his parents will ask him how he feels about her. She asks what he'll tell them in reply. He thinks about it for a moment and says, "I'll tell them how I'm feeling." No wonder this guy wasn't thrilled about the lie detector test last week!

They had dinner in a castle, as you do in Belgium. Andi thinks Nick and Marcuszzz are ready to get married but she doesn't feel Josh is. But Josh admitted that he's falling in love and she lights up at the news. They engage in some silhouette kissing in the shadows and then "dance" in front of another American group playing a ballad, while the soulless locals more appropriately stood and just appreciated the music.

There was a rose on the line on the group date. Nick, who was on this one, said group dates are "the worst thing in the world" but decided to give it his all this time. They went to the countryside and rode a rail bike to a monastery. Apparently it was sacred ground and no kissing was permitted within the walls. So Andi took Farmer Chris to a pottery barn just outside the walls where they got dirty and kissed. I don't know why but it always gives me the creeps seeing Farmer Chris kiss.

Coach Brian the Humble said, "Nick thinks he's smarter than everyone else. He may be right. He's smarter than me." Um, not to rub salt in your wounds or anything, Brian, but that should be "smarter than I."

Brian decides to put all his eggs in one basket and tell Andi he is falling in love "100%." He'd never said those words to anyone before. That's a fine how-do-you-do considering how things turned out.

Nick stuttered around Andi, trying as best as he could to hide his cockiness. "I never felt someone... whatever... fall... you know... I don't want to put words in your mouth but I feel it. When I say I'm going to marry you, it's not like some shot in the dark." And she eats this up!

To his credit, as Andi almost desecrated the sacred ground by wanting to get as close to him as possible, face-wise, he backed off, saying, "I shouldn't." The villain with the sense of honour.

Nick got the group date rose, sending the other three back to the hotel even though they each only had one 1-on-1 throughout this whole process. "I truly feel she just told me she loves me," he said. His famous confidence was at its peak.

Everyone else was pissed at Nick. Coach Brian the Humble had to give it up to the villain, saying, "Nick is playing the game well." A good coach respects his opponent, I guess. But he did call Nick "a snake," so there was that.

Marcuszzz guarantees that Nick will play the game right down to the final two and then walk away from it all, calling Nick a "douchebag."

Decisions, decisions
You know Andi is smitten because when Nick suggested they play the "This or That" game, she got enthused at the always controversial waffles or pancakes. Fun game, right?!

She had a surprise for him – and every human within a 100-mile radius: Fireworks! "No way!" said Nick. Oh, way, my man. Way.

Back to Coach Brian the Humble. Now he called Nick "a damn smart guy." Farmer Chris had another word for him: "salesman." As this banter was going on, Nick slinked home and sat on the couch with the guys. No one said a word until Brian spoke up saying he wasn't going to beat around the bush. His big criticism was that Nick "acted certain." See? Nicest villain ever! Marcuszzz charged that Nick liked "to get into our heads and prey on people who are insecure at times." Another charge was that Nick had watched past seasons of the show. What a bastard, right?!

Nick, through Brian's eyes
Nick remained calm and listened to his detractors. He said Andi was his priority. Chris said to him, "Is she the priority or the game? You walk way more about strategy than you do about Andi." Nick asked (calmly) for examples, but none was coming. Brian, though, hammered him with, "You're smart." Boom!

Andi felt this was the best week to date. She slyly mentioned that she was falling in love, too. Who could it be?! We know she has a thing for Nick. She also mentioned Josh and Marcuszzz. Apparently everyone knew it. Dylan nailed it, saying the elimination was going to be between him, Chris and Brian. How did they know?

Chris didn't do himself any favours telling her if she went to his hometown in northeast Iowa. "It's in the middle of nowhere" and is populated by a whopping 758 people. But he told her he was falling in love with her and she's a sucker for that kind of thing. The full reality of that info won't sink in until next week.

Dylan also doomed his chances when he told her if he's selected it means she can see him proposing to her in three weeks. She gave him the "oh dear" face. I think in our culture you usually have to have kissed someone before you propose to them.

Even though he was the only one with a rose, Nick the Genius felt the need to interrupt a conversation she was having with Coach Brian the Humble. After all these seasons, I still don't understand why someone can't object to being interrupted. Nick just waltzed in there and said, "Can I steal her away?" Brian the Humble said, "Sure!" Sure! Why "sure"? Gah!

Andi didn't care, though. She briefly mentioned the target on Nick's back but that's it. She's charmed by his shameless audacity.

Chris needed to tell her one more thing. They walked outside ominously then the Farmer went to work. As gross as it was, Andi appreciated the chutzpah. "He just plants one on me. Like, you go, Farmer!" she said.

With Nick already rosed, there were three more to hand out and they went in order to:

  1. Josh the Jock
  2. Marcuszzz
  3. Farmer Chris
Sad to see Coach Brian go. I expected Dylan since I don't think they ever even kissed. Dylan wished he had opened up earlier, while Brian said he poured his heart out to that girl. "If she doesn't get the guy she deserves, I will be furious." He's a good guy but I don't see him as the next Bachelor. Still holding out for Marquel.

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