Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Juan Pablo 3: Gooooaaaal!

Hello there, boys and girls. Welcome back to Week 3 of Juan Pablo. And thank you for not calling me out on writing "Juan Paolo" last week. It was a mental blip. I've since gone back into the last post and edited my mistake so no one will be the wiser. I think that's poor blog etiquette. So sue me.

We were down to 15 this week from the original 27. So far, nobody seems too crazy. I like that. Oh, sure, there are still tears and hurt feelings, but nothing too far over-the-top.

We started the episode with JP and his daughter on a picnic. His parents are looking after her while he's on this noble quest for a step-mom. When it's time to go, he gives both mom and dad a peck on the cheek, as per Latin custom. But then he gives his daughter a kiss on the lips. I know some people do this and I'm not suggesting anything creepy. But at what point does it become inappropriate to kiss one's child square on the lips? His mom just gets cheek so it's got to stop sometime.
LITERALLY count: "My mom literally puts me in a castle with the perfect guy." I can't remember who said it but she was the blonde whose deceased mom is looking over her. Literally. VERDICT: Incorrect usage.
He never cooked for Cassandra
The first one-on-one date went to Cassandra, the former NBA dancer with a two-year-old son who hasn't had a date in three years. Cassandra is 21 years old. Let's stop and think about that for a second. Why is her career over at the young age of 21? Why hasn't she had a date since she was 18? Sherlock to the rescue! While she was showing photos of her kid to JP, I thought the child looked like he might be half-black. I put two and two together and surmised that perhaps the father of the child was an NBA player, accounting for her being a "former" NBA dancer (relationships with the players are frowned upon). A quick Bing search and... ta-da! Nailed it. The boy's father is Detroit Pistons guard Rodney Stuckey. Here's the hyperlinked evidence.

Juan Pablo took Cassandra to an awaiting car. Cassandra said the car "kinda reminded me of a jeep." You know, in the same way jeeps remind one of jeeps. (Weird. Typing "jeep" three – now four – times and I start questioning if it's the word I'm looking for. It seems like a fake word to me now.) Anyway, yes, it was, in fact, a jeep. Only this jeep is also a -slash-motorboat. He drove right into a lake and zoomed around, just like they do in the future.

Then back at his place, JP showed her his kid's fridge art. I know whoever he picks has to love his daughter, but fridge art? That requires a lot of acting chops I just don't think these women can sustain.

Poor Cassandra. And shame on Rodney Stuckey. She said, "The last time a guy cooked for me was... never." No wonder she dumped that millionaire athlete. Although I guess maybe he just hired people to cook for him.

There was a bit of slow dancing in the house. Salsa, I think, but I can't be sure. It was sultry, though. They also tried to one-up each other with photos of their respective offspring. Blech. That's what Facebook is for. JP taunted her a bit for being "over-protective" because she didn't want to send her two-year-old to school. Man, they're hard-core in Venezuela.

Despite her over-protective tendencies, JP offered her the rose and she accepted. She's feeling better about being apart from her son now. "The last time I felt this way about a guy was three years ago," she said. Yes, when she was 18. So you know this is pretty freakin' serious.

JP said of Cassandra, "She's beautiful, she's funny, she dances." Keep in mind, English is his second language.

The group date saw the girls playing soccer at the home field of the LA Galaxy. JP, as you know, is pretty good at the sport. In fact, the narrative on the show is that he quit his professional soccer career when he had his daughter, the implication being that it wasn't just a concurrent event but a decision on his part to choose one over the other, as if they couldn't possibly co-exist. He still loves the game, though. He said, "I have Camila, but this is my other half." There's got to be a bigger story there, but this Sherlock has done his sleuthing for the week. Maybe one of my regulars can look into it for me. Comments are always welcome.
LITERALLY count: "The limo literally drives out onto the soccer field." – Renee. VERDICT: Correct. But really unnecessary. 
The women entered the stadium wearing the cliché black football stripe under the eyes. Do soccer players wear that, too? These ones did, anyway. Alli has played soccer her whole life so she had a bit of an advantage (not that I noticed how she played at all). Kelly, the lipstick-loving dog lover, never played before and didn't give much of an effort. Our gal Sharleen, however, was a real trouper. She had never played before, either. Never even worn cleats before. Remember, she's a classical musician and they're generally shunned in PE class. But she went all out, taking balls in her face and all over her body. That sentence has the potential to be taken out of context to everyone's delight but it is what it is. You know what I'm talking about.

Andi the DA scored a hat-trick, if that's what it's called in soccer when a player nets three goals. That's pretty impressive (unless you consider the level of the competition, in which case it's pathetic). Almost rose-worthy. Almost. All I could think watching these newbies run around the turf was they're going to be extremely sore the next day or two. If they were, they hid it well.

I don't know what this is
They had a little post-game bash at the stadium. Nurse Nikki was told by JP that she has a certain 'no sé que.' I don't know what that is. But boy, JP really goes all out with this Spanish thing, doesn't he? Why can't he just speak English and call it what it is: a je ne sais quoi. 

Andi necked with JP in the kitchen, hoping to further cement her rose status. Three goals and tongue? That's gotta be worth something.
LITERALLY count: "I literally had a dream last night that it was my [Elise's] date with Juan Pablo." – Elise. VERDICT: Well, if she really had a dream, then I guess it's correct, though highly unnecessary. But truth be told, I'd kill to hear the Martin Luther King, Jr. speech begin, "I literally have a dream!"
Sharleen took a stroll out to centrefield with Juan Pablo, admitting she was a little nervous. Why, you might ask? "I'm always a little nervous," she said. Fair enough. Her nervous tick is being overly polite. She's Canadian, after all. JP told her she has class. "That's a compliment," she responded. He said something else nice and she answered the same way: "That's a compliment." To her credit, she didn't call him sir this time.

He went in for a kiss and her back stiffened. But when he pulled away, as one does when your kissee is *literally* backing away, she then went in for a retake. Some of the gals witnessed the shenanigans even though they were well hidden in the middle of a soccer field. Andi was a tad grossed out since she had just made out with him moments earlier. She had felt the rose was hers up to that point. Because as we all know after 20 seasons, Bachelors usually only kiss one girl per episode.

I don't ever want to criticize my favourite Sharleen, but if JP is making future decisions based on kissing ability, she better brush up. Get the mirror ready.

So who would get the rose? The one with the no sé que: Nikki. Sharleen was rattled. "Are you serious?" she said. "I don't feel secure in my connection with him. I actually have not that much confidence in where I stand. It both surprises and bothers me that I care as much as I do."

Who was the last one-on-one date going to go to, Chelsie or Elise? Boy, they really wanted us to think about it, even though the description of the show on the TV guide told us it was going to be Chelsie. Who needs spoilers when the producers do all the work for them?

Elise was quite confident she was going to be chosen. Which brings us to...
No, really: Literally
LITERALLY count: "She literally seems like a baby." – 27-year-old Elise talking about 24-year-old Chelsie. VERDICT: I literally can't decide. But it's safe to say Elise literally talks like a child.
JP takes Chelsie to downtown Pasadena and cranks up the Venezuelan pop music in the car. I get wanting a strong connection with your culture and all but isn't he overdoing it? Then they go to a Venezuelan restaurant. I'm surprised he even consider dating a non-Venezuelan. Or maybe he's working for the Venezuelan Chamber of Commerce.

JP then leads Chelsie to a bridge. There's a small platform jutting out from the side of it. "What are we doing?" asks Chelsie. Not much of an imagination, that girl. Yes, they're going to jump off the bridge in a tandem bungee dive. Or are they???

Of course they are. We saw the upcoming highlights. There are no surprises on this show, remember. Chelsie stood on the platform and cowered, as any rational person would. "I don't know if I can," she trembled as they cut to commercial. Yawn.

When we returned from the break, old smoothy JP was working his magic. "Just do it for me," he growled sexily. Chelsie, the science educator, was worried she'd smash her head in the ground. I guess her love of science is only during working hours.

But they jump, as we've known they would for at least a week. And as they hang upside down bouncing, they enjoy their first kiss.

And of course we got the usual drivel about trust and relationships. "If you don't trust someone, you can't do all these things in life like have kids and be each other's best friends." Yes, true. But it's a completely different kind of unnecessary trust that gets you to jump off a bridge for a person. I trust my wife completely, and we have a kid, yet I would never bungee or skydive with her. I wonder if a generation of younger people who've grown up watching The Bachelor/ette will assume that the two go hand in hand?

They eat dinner at Pasadena City Hall and JP gives Chelsie the rose because "she's fun, she smiles, she cares about people." Cue the lights and music, another no-name band is gonna get their 15 minutes of fame. No idea who it was but Chelsie was stoked. She sang along to the awful song that she hears on a radio station I would not want to ever listen to. Whatever it was, it was the complete opposite of Venezuelan music. But Chelsie was white dancing like nobody's business, having the time of her life. JP loved her fun, easy-going nature – "This is what I need and what I want." He called her "a keeper." I don't think he meant housekeeper but who knows what his true intentions are?

We get it already.
The next morning, JP snuck into the mansion to prepare breakfast for everyone. Check that – it was a Venezuelan breakfast, natch. He wanted to see them as they are, not all dolled up. Kelly and her dog were the first ones down. Didn't look like any Kelly we've seen so far. The woman in question was wearing glasses and had no lips! At least not huge overly glossy ones. Although JP never saw her because she walked by with her hand over her face. Her grandmother always told her "never let a man see you without your face on" and she apparently lives by this ridiculous credo. You'd think she'd maybe want to gain an upper hand, if that's what she believes, and let the others come down looking disheveled. But no, she went upstairs to warn everyone so they could pretty themselves first.

Renee, the 32-year-old den mother, didn't care. And her radiant beauty shone through. That's what JP wants. In fact, he eschewed the pre-ceremony cocktail party for a casual pool party. Smart move. Bikinis. Nuff said.

In breaking news, Lucy the dirty hippy kept her top on. Don't know how she did it, but she did.

Kat thrust herself all over Juan Pablo. Kelly thought she looked "like a whore." Sharleen fretted that she could be going home that night. She was told not to over-analyze things and responded, "It is me to over-analyze." It is also her to talk like an automaton... A beautiful, classy automaton.

When she sat down with JP, her neuroses shone through. She was very formal, nervously repeating "I'm okay, how are you?" She talked about how strange it was to be natural with "cameras zooming into your face." She broke down and cried in his arms. It's unclear whether her tears rusted her cheeks. JP was in his element, fathering her with calming words. Then they kissed and she called him a tease.

Meanwhile, Clare was having a crisis in confidence on her own. She went up to her room alone. Thankfully the Den Mother saw her and talked her through it. Clare is also 32, it surprised me to learn. You know you've been watching The Bachelor/ette too long when you see a 32-year-old and marvel at how young they look for their age. I had to give my head a shake on that one.

She eventually got to talk to JP, as they all do (so why the fretting?) and came away more relaxed and reassured that he hadn't forgotten about her.

Cassandra the Kid, Nurse Nikki and Test Tube Chelsie all had their roses so they could relax at the ceremony. Ten more would get roses. Two wouldn't. They went in order to:

  1. Hat-trick Andi
  2. Den Mother Renee
  3. Smelly Kelly (because of her dog)
  4. Classy Automaton Sharleen (who always wears the sexiest dresses)
  5. Ms. Elise
  6. Shoulder-Ride Kat
  7. Alli(son) the soccer-playing nanny
  8. Fake pregnant Clare
  9. Piano-pushing Lauren (who was invisible this episode)
  10. Danielle (who's been invisible the whole season)
That meant the last of Christy, who we never got to know anyway. She said this result was her "worst nightmare." She was not selected because others are way more open than she is, which isn't fair. It's hard for her to open up. "This sucks," she said.

It was also the end for the dirty hippy Lucy, who cried fake tears and carried her shoes out the door. She should have taken off her top after all.

Hey, anyone going to watch the big Sean and Catherine nuptials? Me, neither. I hear Catherine can't wait to have sex! That I'd watch.

Next week the gang is off to South Korea. Unfortunately, judging from the upcoming highlights, Sharleen sings. I say unfortunately because I think she's fantastic. I just don't want it to appear as if she's there only to further her career (not that anyone in the highfalutin world of opera who could offer her work would ever stoop to watching The Bachelor). But we'll see how it all shakes down on Monday.


Anonymous said...

Love your updates. You always say everything that I am thinking about an episode - literally ;-).

Anonymous said...

Literally loving the literally count

grammy said...

The first show of the season had me choosing Cassandra as the final "winner." I have to stick with that choice to really impress my family and friends, should she win. However, I have a new favorite and she would be Renee. Does Juan Pablo see how caring and kind she is to everyone? Does he see how she prevents her beautiful competitors from leaving?? Has he had any onscreen time alone with her and I missed it?? All things to be mulled over and answered in the future...after the wedding. Of course I will be watching the wedding!