Thursday, July 4, 2013

Bachelorette Desiree: The three amigos accusate

It's Thursday. Where does the time go? This is simply unacceptable. Let me just say it's hard to crank this out during the summer months. It's sunny and hot, days are full, drinking may or may not be involved. But here we are. I don't blame you for not reading.

Anyway, on to Barthelona! Sorry, I mean Barcelona! But you gotta love a place where everyone adorably lisps. Plus, it's gorgeous there, no? Made me want to go. Then again, almost every location does. And I'll probably never go to any of them.

Chris Harrison showed up early (no idea why he needs to be there at all given his limited role in the show) to inform the guys there'd be no cocktail party this week. I guess Desiree doesn't like to party. That's two weeks in a row. And she decided this week before they even did anything. Does she have her mind made up already? Well, judging from the end-of-show upcoming highlights, she might have. She said of Drew that "the only thing that's kept me here is you." But more on that later.

Speaking of Dreamboat Drew, he got the first date. A solo one. He pulled an Alvy Singer and planted a big ole kiss on her just as they headed out to get it out of the way.

When they got time to talk, Drew told her that his father is his hero because he's a recovering alcoholic who has dedicated his life to helping others. Then he told her he has cancer and "not many people know." Including the people in his office. Uh, they might now. This is a man who can clearly keep a secret. He's quick to blame others for saying certain things when the cameras aren't rolling; couldn't he have told her about his dad when they weren't filming? Des said she felt closer to him after hearing his story, but she would have heard it regardless of whether it was captured on tape or not.

Even though they were on a one-on-one, Drew felt the need to "steal her away." Cut him some slack. He's new at this. Maybe he doesn't understand the concept. So he took her away to an alley as the cameras scrambled to follow them. You could see the POV shake as a camera operator was taking it out of the tripod. The crew gave chase and found the couple making out again. Maybe in those moments when they had lost the crew, running hand-in-hand to their hideaway, he could have frantically whispered, "By the way, my dad has cancer!" And his secret would still be safe.

While in the alley, Des happened to have the rose with her. So she quickly offered it up to Drew. Once that was secured, he could start the James nonsense going. He told her he overheard a conversation between James and Mikey where he said if he made it to the final four, he could be the next Bachelor. I know what you're thinking: "So what?" Well, we're sitting back dispassionately and rational and not under the bright lights so it's easy for us to see that the comments, by themselves, meant absolutely nothing of significance. But this is reality TV and emotions are heightened. Des, who has shown herself to be extremely trusting (i.e. gullible), believed every word and the accompanying interpretation. "I'm so disappointed in James," she said. "He can go screw himself." No room for alternative explanations or context. Drew said it, Des believes it, that settles it.

But in the light of day, she said she wanted to give James the benefit of the doubt. It's group date time and James is one of the gang. They get a soccer lesson on a professional pitch. Juan Pablo is in his element. Not only is he a Spanish speaker in Spain, he's a former professional soccer player to boot. But he's irrelevant here. Sure, he scores the first two goals of the game against Des and a team of women, but we know how these things end, right? Goliath always gets beaten by David. Or in this case Davida.

The women go on to win 10-2. You read that right. Can we pin the blame on James? Sure looked like it. Every goal the gals scored, James was a statue in net. That being said, how about a change in keeper? It's 5-2 and the guy's still there? Make a change, coach! He clearly wasn't cut out for the job.

But it just led into all the James drama, which is what the producers wanted. The rest of the show was basically all James against the world. Or at least James against the Three Amigos: Kasey, Chris and Michael. But other than Drew and sometimes Brooks, the others remained quiet on the bogus brouhaha. It also occurred to me that Des was a former contestant who finished in the top four and went on to become the Bachelorette. So it's perhaps a tad hypocritical of her to judge James so harshly. Yes, I get it that she maybe wasn't thinking of that at the time, but I also don't think it's so wrong to imagine the very real possibility that out of a dozen or so others, you might not be the one she chooses.

And now here's the part I really hate
When Des meets Chris on a date
Or any time they're all alone
He reads to her a silly poem.

This time, though, it was her turn
She'd written one, too, we soon learned
I don't know if I was mad or sad
I just know it was really, really bad

But it worked for Des in her process of downsizing
The love scale between them is rapidly rising
And as she lay on the bed in hot pursuit
She made sure to wear her knee-high boots

Was her poem this bad? It could be argued
So ends the Ode to Des and Drew
I hate to be the one who has to rebuke
But one more poem and I'm gonna puke

Next Kasey took a turn attacking James and misrepresenting his statement. He said James said he was in the best position to become the next Bachelor, which, given all other reports, isn't what he said or meant at all. But he and his dos amigos took the opportunity to confront the big fella.

Make that 226 reasons
Type I Michael went full-on prosecution mode. Boy, he gets annoying fast, doesn't he? He didn't hear anything first-hand, but acted like he not only heard it but had transcribed recordings of the conversation. The guy is giving lawyers a bad name… Wait. Scratch that. He's confirming everyone's opinions of lawyers.

James' defence was he said it in jest. That was his first explanation. Throughout the show he had different excuses. Normally that kind of inconsistency would be enough to make me doubt him but for some reason I don't. I think it's just extremely difficult to explain private guy talk. Yes, he was talking to three guys, but he was also talking to the world through the cameras pointed at his face and he knew how it sounded. And even if he was being completely serious with his comment, it's not any slight on Des or his intentions to wonder about all the possibilities which might arise from this experience.

Line of the night went to Kasey, who said James is so out of his mind, he's irrational and willing to "accusate". I've since added it to my personal vocabulary and am petitioning Webster's Dictionary to have it included.

After Kasey went to Des to tell all, she decided there'd be no rose for anyone. They were all to go home… except James, who she wanted to talk to. "Shit's about to hit the fan," she bleeped.

She told James she was okay with his future Bachelor plans (in so many words) but what really irked her was his talk of the women and boats he and Mikey could get in Chicago. Again, it's hard to explain or defend out of context guy talk and James was hooped on this one. For any woman reading this, trust me, men never talk about women. This was clearly the exception that proves the rule. Des said she believes everything because she fully trusts the rat finks who told her.

James cried, which may have kept him around an extra day. He got to go back to the hotel and shock all the guys. I really thought he should have the limo drive stop off at a store on his way home so he could buy a rose. It would have been so funny to see the looks on their faces with him walking in with a rose. Instead, he just walked in and said, "Gentlemen, good night."

The last one-on-one date went to the old guy, Zak. Barthelona brought out the creative side of Des so they went to an art studio to draw a model. Both of their efforts were pretty good, too. Then out came a naked guy. We didn't get to see their artistic renderings. But it did give Old Man Zak an idea: The former priest wannabe who gave up his spiritual quest so as to dedicate his life to his abs, decided it was his turn. He exited then re-entered wearing a robe, took to the stage and dropped it. He didn't do the Full Monty – he was wearing tighty-whities – but he only wanted to show off what he could work on. Some things in life are just what nature intended them to be, nothing more and nothing less.

James decided he needed to talk to Drew, who was the first to squeal. Chris politely left the room. James entered reasonably and I had high hopes Drew would keep things reasonable. But he wouldn't budge from his unreasonable interpretation of events. When James said he was just being realistic, Drew responded, "How can you acknowledge there's any other possible reality?" Hmm, maybe because he's a sentient human being with an imagination.

Chris added that he, himself, is "100% not thinking about becoming the Bachelor. Ever." Oh, how sweet it would be if Chris, Kasey, Michael or Drew became the next Bachelor. Hypocrisy would reign supreme. Not that Michael would ever be picked for anything, but the point remains.

Des woke up knowing she must send James home. And Michael, the federal prosecutor, said of James, "He was found guilty. The People versus James: Case dismissed." I'm not legal expert, but if the case were dismissed, doesn't that mean that there'd be no legal case against James and he would be exonerated? 

But at least he got to the rose ceremony. Old Man Zak and Dreamboat Drew already got their roses. Tonight three guys would go home. Weird when some weeks only one leaves, but it is what it is. The three remaining roses went in order to:

  1. Chris
  2. Brooks
  3. Michael. Yes, that Michael.

That meant James, as we knew, along with Kasey and Juan Pablo were goners. James said, "I got bullied right out the door. I just became the next Ben. How? How did I become a bad person? Why me?"

Now, on to those dastardly upcoming highlights. I know they are always misleading but it sure looked like she doesn't go through with this. I know, I could simply Bing some spoiler and find out what happens but what fun is that? It looked like Drew dropped out, after all that fuss he made over James. She tearfully tells him, "The only thing that's kept me here is you," and he responds, "It's just never going to work." Drew for the next Bachelor!