Monday, October 27, 2014

Bachelor Canada: A real she-said/she-said

I think I've stumbled upon a new tradition: Posting recaps six days after an episode airs. Look, if I post immediately that night or the following morning, it's too fresh in your minds. You know what happened. If I wait until the night before the next episode airs, it's like a little refresher that'll get you ready for the following night's entertainment... That's what I'm telling myself anyway as I find myself super late again. But I think there's merit to it.

Oh, and thanks for the comments last week. Glad to know I'm not alone here.

Tim, Seashell, Lisa the Red, Trish, Kaylynn, and April were in Tuscany this week. Pretty exotic locale. I was wondering how the low budget Canadian offshoot could afford such extravagance until I saw the Buitoni brand splashed about in every segment. They were staying at "the amazing Casa Buitoni where master chefs come to create food," they made Buitoni pizza wearing Buitoni aprons and Buitoni chef hats under awnings announcing Buitoni and we saw ads for Buitoni frozen pizza in between segments. Oh Canada! Oh brother.

Seashell starts out telling us she's falling in love with Tim. Which led to the date card that went, predictably, to Not Seashell. She was upset with a sunken heart when she found out Trish would get the sparkly date. Trish was like, "Are you--? What? No. Huh? Me? Yeah!"

But Seashell didn't have bad words for Trish. She saved those for Lisa. And for some strange reason, after weeks of the Canadian censors letting the word "shit" fly out of their mouths, this week the word was bleeped. Seashell said, "Lisa's not one of the genuine catches for Tim. She's two-faced, she's not taking this seriously, and she has talked [bleep] about every single one of the women."

Out on the patio, naive April asked, "Does anyone question anyone else's connection with Tim at this point?" It wasn't a pointed question, either. She's that sweet and innocent.

But Seashell raised her hand like she was in school, not amongst four friends. She offered that some people are not here for the right reasons. Hey, someone has to say it every season so it might as well be her. Lisa knew who she was referring to.

"I really don't care what they think," Lisa the Red said. "These girls mean nothing to me."

On the date, Trish commented positively on the graffiti. Yes, they were in Italy walking through gorgeous streets and she liked the graffiti.

While the Canadian censors were busy bleeping the word "shit," they missed out on pixilating Tim's nether regions. He was wearing the tightest pants imaginable. We know now which way he dresses (to the right). Those with a hi-def TV might even know if he's circumsized. Good lord!

They sit at a corner table on a piazza. Tim said it was the "perfect place to fall in love." I thought that was perhaps telling. I could see Trish saying that but for Tim to have said it means something more, I'd imagine.

He likes how silly he can be with Trish, a side of him not a lot of people bring out. They kiss and laugh and have a good time. But the whole thing seemed backwards. I mean, first Tim telling us, instead of Trish, that it's the perfect place to fall in love, and then Trish told Tim, instead of the other way around, that she felt he's "holding back a little." What's happening here? Who holds the cards?

Tim explained that he's concerned of "letting go and then being rejected." It's a topsy-turvy world! Trish was surprised (pleasantly) at his lack of confidence.

He then gave Trish a little present because she makes him feel special. It was a box from Michael Hill jewelry (free advertising for product because it makes the company feel special). That's right, Tim gave Trish a diamond necklace and diamond earrings. She's not even in the final two! But I guess the sponsor wanted its name out there sooner rather than later.

Trish imagined in her "imaginary mind" a perfect date would include diamonds ("totally"), Italy ("boom"), champagne ("totes"), and a hot guy (Tim "nailed it"). I think she's being hard on herself. I believe she really has a mind. Not a particularly sharp one, apparently, but a real one.

She whispers, "Best date ever" and they slow dance to an accordion player in a plaza. Trish said, "We fit perfectly." Well, I suppose she'll find out for sure in the fantasy suite. But that's for another episode.

The next date card was for Kaylynn, April and Lisa. You can imagine in your imaginary minds how thrilled Kaylynn was. "Gargh! That sucks!" she enthused.

Seashell added that Lisa's "a nasty [bleep]". What is happening with the censors this week? Since when is "bitch" bleeped out anywhere, let alone on Canadian airwaves?

Lisa called the others, "catty" and "unsure of themselves." Then the Calgary hairstylist said, "They're the epitome of why I don't like females. Simple." I'm sure her clientele will appreciate that.

Before the group date could happen, Seashell informed us that "something happened" the previous night. "The girls and I went out to a bar and..." Hang on. Wait a minute. Is this usual? They went out to a bar? How much down time do they have? I guess the producers said go for it since the show only gets an hour of airtime a week. There's no time to shoot fun stuff around the residence because it wouldn't get shown anyway. So off they went to a local watering hole. I'll let Seashell continue: "... and Lisa did something that was completely unacceptable." Sounded like a set-up to me.

The next night there was silence amongst the womenfolk as they sipped on wine. Kaylynn said, "Nobody knows what to ask or how to address the situation." What happened to her go-to move of crying and running to the bathroom? That's one way.

Trish gave us the dirt: "Lisa made out with a guy at a pub." Now we're cooking with gasoline! The show just got good.

Kaylynn was upset. With her usual tears, she said, "I feel disrespected but I'm more angry than anything." Um, what? I was like, are you--? What? No. Huh? Her? I suppose.

Lisa was an open book. She told the gals that, "You can talk about it if you want. Go for it." Then Seashell said how most of them wanted to tell Tim but wouldn't, to which Lisa chuckled, which riled Seashell. "Don't laugh because I actually wasn't going to tell him." Lisa said, "Even if you were, I want to get to it first." Seashell was curious to see if Lisa would own up to it, adding, "If she doesn't tell him, one of us will."

But first the group date with Lisa, Kaylynn and April (Seashell declared that April was the "only normal one on that date"). It was a painting challenge. The three women would paint a betowelled Tim, then he would declare a winner. And that winner would get to spend the rest of the date with Tim while the others would go home. All three paintings were horrendous. Not an ounce of talent among the three of the women. Kaylynn felt, as she always does, that if she doesn't get alone time this time, she could seriously go home. "And that's scary."

But Tim selected Lisa's offering. Which was good, right, since she had to make her confession. Seems the others forgot about that.

The two went to a rooftop table which led to this classic exchange:
Lisa: I fidget when I'm nervous.
Tim: Why are you nervous?
Lisa: I'm not even that nervous. I just like to fidget.
But Lisa was "sick about it." At the same time, it "secured the way [she] feels for Tim." So she tells him, "As wild as I am and as much of a free spirit as I am, at the end of the day, it's important to me that I have that one person that I love to death and care about and can build a world with." But just at the end of the day. At the end of the night she likes to fool around with waiters.

We saw a side of Lisa we hadn't seen before. And not just when she was confessing to Tim. It was there when she was doing her private talks to the camera, too. "I didn't come into this thinking I'd find love because what are the chances?" Good take. "But it turned very quickly – quicker than I thought it would." She said, "I really care about this guy. I think he needs to know what happened. I can't go on unless he knows." And she actually cried. She's human!

So they're walking along after their dinner and she gets him to sit himself down on a nearby bench so she can break the news to him. According to her, she exchanged the Euro-two-cheek kiss with the server who then grabbed her and kissed her. "I'm really sorry," she told him. "I'm totally crazy about you. I needed to get that out."

If that was the extent of it, I don't see the need for tears or grand apologies. The server grabbed her and kissed her. Doesn't sound consensual. So Tim was empathetic. "It's just a shock," he said. And he hugged her for support. We didn't hear but thankfully closed captioning provided in part by Buitoni Pizza let us know she said, "I'm sorry" in their embrace.

Doesn't quite add up, but I wasn't there.

Then Tim said the next day that as much as he wanted to talk about it with Lisa, he had a date with Seashell to get ready for. What about last night? Why didn't he talk about it then?

His date was the pizza-making one I alluded to above. Did I mention it was Buitoni pizza? I think I did. Seashell wasn't fully in the moment. It looked like the Lisa sitchy-ation was weighing heavily on her. She said, "I think he thinks he knows everything, but I know that he doesn't know everything."

She told him that things were getting weird and the women, or some of them, are no longer amicable. She gave dire, vague warnings about someone he doesn't completely know. And she said this with a straight face: "I didn't want to bring it up today." Are you kidding?! That's all she wanted to do.

Tim looked annoyed, saying, "Who are you talking about?" Seashell remained coy, saying, "Well, Tim, you know who I'm talking about."

According to Seashell, Lisa grabbed "some guy" and made out with him while Seashell pulled her away. Then Seashell turned around for two seconds and there was Lisa making out with him again. Tim, after hearing Lisa's side the night before, looked skeptical, not alarmed. He said he doesn't like gossip or rumours but at the same time, he didn't want to avoid the truth. "I've never felt so conflicted about someone," he said. "This is really tough." But I didn't know if he was talking about Lisa or Seashell, the one spreading the gossip. It was a real she-said/she-said.

It seemed to knock his concentration because for the first time since the first episode, I noticed a string of 'aboots': "I'm aboot to make decisions aboot whose family to go and meet and instead of feeling excited aboot meeting them, I'm feeling distraught. I'm aboot to walk into a rose ceremony and I have no idea what I'm going to do."

At the ceremony, he told them he wants to go with his guy because he's looking for the one and nothing else. Kaylynn looked ready to cry. But that's just her default look. The roses went in order to:

  1. Trish the Bejewelled
  2. Seashell the Rat
  3. April the Naive, who said, "Me?!" when he announced her name
He picked up the fourth and final rose, then placed it back down again. Not sure if he was confused because there was no host there to instruct him what to do. But he called Lisa away to for a little talk. Kaylynn looked around for a bathroom to run to. She was crying.

Tim said, "Can you just say something to me right now?" Lisa told him, "I am sick about what happened. I am absolutely crazy about you. I understand if this is it for us but I don't want this to be the end. I think we actually have something special." Then she whispered, "I'm sorry." All this was done with her hands behind her back. I couldn't tell if her fingers were crossed or not.

They walked back out and Tim picked up the last rose:

      4. Lisa the Red Flag

Kaylynn surprisingly held up pretty well. And without being told to take a moment to say her goodbyes, they did it instinctively. They're smart, those ones. April told Kaylynn, "You have a path and it's not here. Don't worry." Was that a nice thing to say? I think that was the intention, anyway.

Kaylynn gave Tim a big hug and walked away. He didn't even walk her to wherever it was she was going. She said she feels anger, sadness, and cheated. Then she brought up bullies again: "One thing he said his biggest turnoff is bullies, unnecessary meanness and that right there is Lisa. I feel broken by this."

We'll see how the Lisa situation plays out on the hometown visits next week. Er, I mean tomorrow night. Looking forward to it. We saw someone's grandma telling Tim she can see right through him. That means she could probably see the hideous tattoo on his back. Grandmas hate tattoos.

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