Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Week 10: The tears of a clown

Are we really here so soon? This season has flown by. This time next week we'll know who Brad picked. Chris Harrison, the eternal prankster, tried to trick us earlier on that this would be the most something-or-other season (I lose track of all his bloviation), leading us to believe maybe, just maybe, Mr. Brad couldn't go through with it a second time. But tonight we learn that he has a "significant other". What a letdown. Anyway, onto my random thoughts of the Ladies Blabber and Blubber:

* I very nearly boycotted writing anything about this episode. As the clock ticked by and my sweetheart Shawntel the Undertaker sat there looking beautiful without uttering a word, I got madder and madder. The frickin' Nanny got a segment, for crying out loud! Didn't the Undertaker go further? Wasn't her tramp stamp a perfect match for Mr. Brad's back fresco? I convinced myself they were saving her for a big announcement at show's ending that she'd be the next Bachelorette. But nothing. Nada. I'm pissed. Then I take a step back, and a deep breath, and tell myself that she stayed classy until the end (well, except I'm assuming she still has that awful back tattoo), stayed above the fray. And it made me love her even more.

* It's boring to constantly complain about the upcoming highlights, but was there anything they showed in the Crazy Michelle 2.0 segment that they didn't show in the teaser? I don't think so.

* In Mr. Brad's pre-show segment, he talked but said nothing. Letterman would call it a Network Time Waster.

* Countess Madison forgot her fangs at home. But it seemed like several of the other girls had them out.

* Crazy Michelle 2.0 was obviously coached. She stuck to her talking points all night: She was there for "the right reasons" (glad that tired phrase finally made a comeback this season), and she played the Daughter card. For the record, she told us she was there for the right reasons four times, by my count, and mentioned her daughter seven times. Throw in uncontrollable sobbing (although it took a while for the actual tears to fall) and it just may have worked. The crowd seemed to come around to her "sense of humour" by the time she was done.

* Crazy Michelle 2.0's defense was that people didn't understand her sense of humour. All those scathing remarks directed at every single female there were just jokes, people! Lighten up! On a related note, average looking dudes who happen to be funny hate it when women say they love guys with a sense of humour because it's demonstrably untrue. At least in the romance department. You just don't see beautiful women with average-looking funny guys. What it invariably turns out to be is that the gals believe their studly dates are hilarious when, in fact, they are unbelievably bland and humourless. Good looks will do that. And it seems to have worked in reverse to Chris Harrison, who told the weeping Crazy Michelle 2.0 he found her "hysterical". No, Chris, you didn't. Your Wee Willy Wonka did. You were blinded by her beauty.

* Harrison, though, did exhibit some Svengali-like ability to mind-meld. I loved his exchange with the Imposter Posing as Ashley H. the Putative Dentist:
CH: Was it love?
AH: I don't know.
CH: Yes, you do.
That's gold right there. But it gets better:
CH: I hate to break it to you, but you were in love.
AH: I know I was.
Wow, he's good.

* Did you like Ashley's new look? Brown hair, bangs and enough red lipstick for someone who actually had lips. I think I prefer the old Ashley, but Harrison and Mr. Brad pretended to go ga-ga over the make-over. But what were they going to say, really? They couldn't ignore it.

* Back to Crazy Michelle 2.0. They showed a clip of her admitting to giving herself the black eye, just as we all suspected. But I don't remember that clip ever being shown during the season. Did I just miss it? She said, pointing to her shiner, "If I can do this to myself...". Then later in the show she claims ignorance again at how she got it.

* What about that big feud between Raichel and Melissa? Huh?! If you're like me, you were going, "Who? I don't recognize these people." Thank God they showed a little recap to refresh our memories... and even then I had no idea what the supposed feud was about. They didn't like each other but we didn't see why. It seemed the torch crowd was against monster Melissa, but I thought she came off better than Raichel, who was emoting and rolling her eyes at everything. Still, Raichel came through with the line of the night:
I've thought about this in great depth: There are some people you gel with and some people you don't.
Ah. Got it. Clearly, she gave it some real thought.

* Harrison introduced Crazy Michelle 2.0 as "one of the most controversial and talked about women of the season". To which I say, "Mission: accomplished". It was pretty apparent, despite her protestations to the contrary, that was her modus operandi from the beginning.

* It was heartwarming to witness Chris Harrison's nurturing side when Crazy Michelle 2.0 thought of the death of a childhood pet in order to weep uncontrollably. Stacey the Barkeep kept going on about how her mother raised her and how she would raise her own daughter (but in no way casting any aspersions on the way Crazy Michelle 2.0 parents, understand), Harrison leaned over and consoled the future B-movie star, turning back to Stacey with a harsh, "Really?" He may also have (although this is unconfirmed at press time) popped a woody.

* Runner-up for Best Line of the episode goes to Crazy Michelle 2.0 for this gem:
"All of us have said an equal amount of things we regret about each other. For some reason I'm being targeted... Think if you were me."
Exactly. Just think of that for one second, you sanctimonious bee-atches.

* As a former sports reporter, and someone who has seen his fair share of absolutely bone-shakingly stupid questions sports reporters ask, I thought I heard them all. But former sports reporter Chris Harrison showed he's still got what it takes to be a professional jock sniffer. Check out this beauty of a question to the Nanny, who was absolutely shattered and full of self-doubt after being dumped by Mr. Brad:
Do you think you deserve to be happy?
"No, Chris, I don't. I'm a horrible, horrible person." What a Communist that Chris Harrison is! Isn't the Pursuit of Happiness, besides being a kick-ass 1980's power-pop band from Edmonton and a really shitty movie from 2006, also entrenched in the U.S. constitution? Words can't express how awesomely awful that question was, so I'll just leave it at that.

* I already miss the Undertaker!

That's it. Mr. Brad has picked a bride and we'll find out next week who it is. When he said she has "changed my life", I thought it had to be Miss Emily. I mean, she's got a 5-year-old and that would definitely change his life. But then I thought about Chantal's parents' wealth. Yep, that's a life changer, too. If he chooses Chantal, I think Emily will be fine. I can't see her even crying if she's not picked. But the other way around? Look out!