Friday, September 5, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise: The Penultimate Episode

Friday?! Are you kidding me? Should I even post this thing? Aw, why the hell not. Maybe you've forgotten all about it and this will refresh your memory in time for the season finale. What can I say? Real world deadlines got in the way. But fret not, I watched and took notes. And here they are. I kinda feel too late to the party, but what the heck. It's the historical record!

The more I watch this show, the less I get it. The competition aspect is nuts. Makes zero sense. A new person comes in, has one, or at most two, people to choose from, while everyone else gets a free pass week after week. And just as soon as I start to get it, Chris Harrison announces that next week is the last week and everything changes. It's about time!

We started off with the storylines for the show: Jesse's a scuzzball and Cody's an inexperienced puppydog. Sarah, who's getting more and more confident each show (to the detriment of her likable vulnerability) said, "Jesse's here for free booze and to hook up with chicks." Uh, I gotta say I thought that was what the show was all about, too.

And Cody told Crazy Michelle 2.0 he's in love with her and he's 100% committed to her. Because, you know, it's been about a week and you just know these things after that length of time. CM2 needed to talk to him. You see, she's just not in that place right now. She wants to take it at a "good, steady pace." i.e. just slow enough that it'll get her to the final show (mission accomplished!) with a shot to win whatever the winners win on this ridiculous adventure.

As if the show wasn't boring enough, the date card went to Marcuszzz. Gee, I wonder who he'd ask! He shocked Paradise by choosing Lacy. Who saw that coming? The big dram was that Marcuszzz, a fellow puppydog, already long ago proclaimed his undying love to Lacy. She, however, has been mum on the subject.

They get out on their date and arrive at a ladder down a hole in the ground (or "stairs," as Lacy calls them). This was out in nature, if you didn't see the show; it wasn't some manhole or something. So they descend down into this "really ancient cave." Yes, folks, it was the real deal, not one of these fancy new caves that are all the rage these days.

Lacy was in awe of the awe-inspiring selegments. No, wait, not selegments... stalaglights. Yeah, that's it. Stalaglights. Lacy may sound dumb but in reality she's just not very smart. Further proof: "It's all so natural in nature." Nailed it, sweetheart. (She's the same woman who said she was "80-40" in deciding who to give a date card to in the first or second episode.)

Turns out they entered the Bat Cave. The little critters were everywhere, swooping down at them as they slowly moved through the water. Marcuszzz said he loved being the man for her and protecting her. It worked because Lacy finally used the L-word, even if she just went with the standard Bachelor-type copout: "I'm falling in love with you." It sounds so promising, doesn't it? She's not actually in love, like Marcuszzz, but she thinks when and if she lands, she might arrive at it.

Back in Paradise, CM2 confided in Jesse. I thought it odd at the time, and even more so later when she has nothing good to say about the guy. But she was telling him that Cody was coming on "really, really strong" and saying "I need some space. I don't like to be touched all the time." Then she said – and this is key – that she doesn't like "the big, beefy guys." Yeah, of course, she didn't see that before. He must have suddenly added all those muscles. Jesse advises her – rightly – to call it off.

But first, we see Sarah and Robert getting it on in the briny. He's her guy. But wait! Here comes Brooks, from Desiree's season. Sarah now is "literally freaking out." You see, she is physically attracted to Brooks. "I don't want to mess things up with Robert, but at the same time I really wanted Brooks there," she said.

Brooks arrives with a date card, as is custom, and he gets to choose among all the one available girl. In fact, Robert puts Sarah in a headlock and tells Brooks, "Don't even look here." And, "If you ask her, I'll kill you. She's my bay-bay."

Brooks very correctly believes that nobody should be off the table. Exactamundo! But he's a gentleman, I guess, and doesn't ask Sarah. He asks Jackie, instead, who jumps at the chance.

Then we get a lot of Sarah's fake confusion and angst. She had to try very hard not to even look at her Adonis (Brooks, not Robert). She was "beyond frustrated and bummed." She found that Robert was getting "more and more territorial." Usually not a healthy sign, but Sarah loved it. Still, though, she was freaking out over Brooks.

Jackie sports a sparkly headband and heads out on her date. Brooks impresses by ordering in Spanish. And Jackie impresses by being so cute and beautiful. It caused Brooks to just zone out over her words. But he still managed to be charming and funny. They have a foosball grudge match. Brooks rigs it so he gets a kiss no matter what the outcome (crafty devil). "But just on the lips, not the cheek," Brooks assures her. But Jackie says she doesn't kiss on the first date, unless it's with a guy like Marquel. She's true to her word. She wins the game, but they exchange only a hug.

Meanwhile, Sarah is still fake-gushing over Brooks, saying, "He's so handsome and so funny" and she lights up around him. She said this was putting a microscope on her relationship with Robert and she apparently didn't like what she saw close up. She decided she had to fake-breakup with Robert.

Then she found a lovey-dovey note to her from Robert. This was going to be awkward! She meets him on the beach. He greets her with, "Hey, beautiful!" They sip wine. He says when the show is over, he wants to explore their relationship in the real world. That's it. Robert is the guy for her! She is one easy nut to crack.

Speaking of fake breakups, it was time for CM2 to break the bad news to Cody. We knew it wasn't going to happen, right? Especially after the Sarah-Robert fake breakup. Cody starts by telling CM2 he wants her to meet his family. Wrong show, buddy. Crazy Michelle 2.0, who knows a thing or two about craziness, says, "Don't talk crazy."

Cody tells her to go at her own pace. "I'll give you as much space as you need," he says, which was exactly the opening CM2 needed to keep stringing him along so she can maximize screen time. But then she lip-kisses him! Ewwww! She says she wants to create a strong foundation by taking it slow, but the guy is still big and beefy, is he not?

Then we get some obviously old comments from Christy dug out from the first day in Paradise where she says Jesse's charming and such a good guy, etc. etc. That was juxtaposed with info on Lucy "feeling him up," a term I'd never heard used in that direction. But apparently it means he got a hand-job from the dirty hippy. Cut to Christy saying Jesse's a "misogynistic, manipulative [bleep]. Such a douchebag. I hate him." (Even I couldn't figure out the bleep.) Not sure how receiving a hand-job makes one misogynistic, but I'm sure there were other reasons.

Christy, at a down moment, asks CM2 if she ever had thoughts about leaving. The look on CM2's face was priceless! It was like she couldn't even compute those words. Walking away from being on TV?! That's crazy talk! She took a moment to process then came up with, "Yeah, but then Cody showed up." Not that she felt anything toward the puppydog; just that she felt she could now conceivably stick around for her piece of the pie.

Then Tasos arrived. He takes CM2 aside for some reason. It didn't look like he was going to ask her on a date, although that's what they wanted us to think. Who knows, though? Maybe they knew each other. Maybe the producers told him to. CM2, knowing she had a pretty easy thing with Cody, immediately knew she could come off looking selfless by recommending he ask Christy on a date.

She accepts. Jesse, not ready to leave, keeps referring to Tasos as Tacos.

Christy tells us she came to Paradise with her heart wide open. Is that what that is? I thought she just badly needed sunscreen on her chest. Turns out it was bloody ticker.

On the beach, Jackie and Brooks played a game of HORSE on a basketball hoop from the props department on Gilligan's Island. Zach, Jackie's other boyfriend, sits and watches, planning his next move. It comes by way of a date card. He asks Jackie and she says, "I would love to!" And she sounded sincere.

AshLee wasn't pleased another week came and went without her man Graham getting a card. I don't think Graham cared one way or another. AshLee, incidentally, was also wearing a Xanadu headband. They're the new scarf. (Remember how everyone was wearing scarves last season?)

Also remember how much CM2 detests AshLee? So the two of them are sitting on the sofa and Ash turns to her and says, "Can I cheers you for being so amazing to me?" And CM2 is just the biggest phoney. Still. It never ends. "No, you're amazing to me!" she replies.

(I know, CM2's spin on it is that AshLee is a conniving B-I-T-C-H, and maybe there's some truth to that, but it doesn't mean CM2 is any less conniving, bitchy or phoney.)

Jackie and Zach heard such good things about that magical Bat Cave, they had to go themselves. After a swim, they step up to a giant Cave Bed and drink Cave Daiquiris. She asks him, "Are you still feeling like you don't want to go home?" Huh? Where did that come from? Right outta Bat Left Field, that's where. She said she was feeling very confident with Zach, but she seemed stiff. But still, they engaged in some majestic Bat Kissing.

Before the sixth and final rose ceremony, Jackie said she feels like she's connecting with someone. Then she kisses Zach. He returns and Brooks says Zach just made a big mistake. He "came back too early," he said. "I'll be back in two hours."

I guess on their date, they had made a promise to paint each others' nails. Brooks made good on the promise and brought some nail polish and proceeded to get at 'er. Did a good job, too, but how hard can applying nail polish be? From what I could tell, she didn't paint his. She's a promise breaker.

Christy met up with Jesse and said she doesn't "wish it to go any further." Jesse responds with, "Why didn't you just fucking say that?" He then told her he's leaving. That upset Christy a lot. Not because he was leaving but because she didn't stand up for herself. She wanted to be the one to break up with him. I guess she'd been drinking and forgot that she did, in fact, break up with him. What else does "I don't wish it to go any further" mean?

CM2 told her, "You're a victim of him being a tool." Christy replied, "I don't want to play victim." CM2 did a quick 180 and shot back, "So don't play victim." Great advice, Crazy Michelle 2.0!

Oh, and what is Y.O.P.O? I can't figure that out. Can't remember where I saw it, but I scribbled it in my notes. You Only Pre-exist Once? You Only Poo Once? You Only Paradise Once? Yeah, that's gotta be it.

Jesse, meanwhile, was just happy to be going to a fully-stocked limousine. But before he could enjoy it, Christy, CM2 and Lacy confronted him. Christy told him that leaving was "so cowardly." He asked her to explain why that makes him a coward. Um, because he wouldn't be getting a rose and, uh...

Then Lacy said, "Here's the thing: You go on dates with multiple people." And... ??? As I said, this show is so confusing. Just from memory, Lacy went out with Robert before hooking up with Marcuszzz, Jackie has gone on dates with Marquel, Brooks, and Zach. Am I missing anyone? CM2 has gone on dates with Cody, Marquel and Robert. Am I missing anyone? So her accusation was pretty much just an observation at this point.

Then CM2 had her turn, telling Jesse that the way he's "spoken about the girls was cowardly." Maybe ungentlemanly, but cowardly? Also, aren't the other guys even slightly culpable in this? They helped spread the word, too.

But Christy got in the last words, telling Jesse he was going to die alone. As the limo pulled away, Jesse downed a shot saying, "To leaving Paradise."

Then the rose ceremony and this sucky, sucky trend started by the sucky, sucky Marcuszzz has continued, with each person feeling the need to give a little speech to their beloved (or in the case of CM2, her ticket to the finals). Here's how it went down:

  1. Lacy gave her rose to Marcuszzz and said she was "very much in love" and other such nonsense
  2. AshLee yammered on to Graham
  3. Sarah told Robert she was falling in love with him
  4. CM2 lied through her teeth, telling Cody he means so much to her
  5. Christy, to her eternal credit, simply gave the rose to Tasos. No speech!
  6. Jackie offered hers to Zach
So Brooks was left out in the cold. You know it's just a faulty game (or whatever this is supposed to be) when a guy like Brooks is sent home after half an episode. He arrives and has so little to choose from. It's just a really poorly thought-out concept this season. Had Brooks been there from the first episode, there's no doubt in my mind he most likely still be there, ensconced in an unbeatable twosome.

Chris Harrison arrived to inform them that was the last ceremony. There would be no new arrivals. Who knows how they go about selecting a winning couple, but it can't be any worse than what's transpired so far. But count on this: Harrison told us that there will be "another dramatic ending that you won't see coming!" Maybe this time he means it, too!