Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Farmer Chris: Buckle up for boredom

Hey there. Welcome back to the no-doubt exciting finale of Farmer Chris' journey. Are you all a-tingle? I hear his decision is like nothing we've seen before. "Buckle up, it's going to be a wild ride and the entire country will be talking about it tomorrow morning," said Chris Harrison. Good thing I live in Canada.

Farmer Chris is back home in Iowa and claims he's happy about that. He says he feels like he's falling in love with both of them. Problem is, he doesn't have any clarity over who to pick. He tells his family to make the pick for him and I'm not convinced he was joking.

Cartoon Whitney comes over first. She is gosh-darn, freakin' nervous. But she walks in with flowers and wine and doles out hugs to everyone. She tells everyone about the date she and Chris made a baby. They all laugh. So progressive on the farm. But she wasn't talking about the fantasy suite.

Then she said something that had me frantically searching for the remote to rewind it and play it again. She was talking about when she and her friends were watching last season and first laid eyes on Chris. She said about her friends, "From the moment Chris got out of the limo, they were like, wet." Were my ears deceiving me? Yes. Yes, they were. But you can't blame me because she left a pregnant pause in there. What she really said was, "From the moment Chris got out of the limo, they were like, Whit... this would be the perfect guy for you." Makes more sense. 

Does anyone else think Helium Head is sounding a little stalker-ish telling his family how she came on the show just for Chris? Then she keeps talking until she cries.

The three sisters sit down with Cartoon Whitney and she talks and talks some more. The more I see her as the closer it gets, the more I think less sweety-pie and more rabbit-pie (think Fatal Attraction). Maybe that's completely unfair. We'll see, I guess.

The sisters ask Chris if Whitney is the one and he says, "Let's start with the easy questions." They absolutely adore Whitney, but all Chris wants to do is talk about Becca. Probably not a good sign. Or a sign the editors want to trick us. He tells his sisters that Becca is someone who can "charm the pants" off him. An odd choice of words to describe a virgin.

Whitney then sits with her future mother-in-law. She says she doesn't think she's in love with Chris; she knows it. She loves Soules with every ounce of her soul.

But Chris still seems stuck on Becca. He's got his back up against a wall filled with wrenches defending Becca to his brothers-in-law who haven't even met her yet. But they still think Whitney's the better choice.

The family now awaits Becca and trys to keep an open mind. But their faces bely that. Until she shows up. It starts off really well. She was actually pretty great. Maybe the best I've ever seen her.

The sisters start with Becca. She says she's falling in love with Chris but isn't there yet. She says she's not going to pick up her life and move anywhere, yet so it'll have to be a long distance romance. You gotta admire her honesty, if nothing else. She wants the relationship to continue, but just isn't there yet. One sister worries for Chris that Becca isn't as into him as Whitney. Yet she probably has more long-term potential, in my opinion. One sister suggests he push her a bit. Yeah, that always works.

Virgin Becca sits down with Mrs. Chris. The mom tells Becca that Chris is picky, that's why he's single. If Chris is picky, they're a perfect match because I doubt there's anyone pickier than Becca, who's never been in love before. Becca flat-out says, "I'm crazy about him but I"m not at the point where I'm in love with him." She talks about why and for everything she says, the mom responds with, "Do you know what that is?! It's love!"

Chris' dad says Whitney is the sure thing, but Becca is the one Chris wants.

He's got one last date to figure things out. And two days left to make his decision. The first date goes to Becca. They stick around her hotel room to talk. He says he wants everything she can give him just so he knows, because he's struggling. She says she's falling in love with him but just isn't there yet. I like that. Usually, "I'm falling in love" is code for "I'm in love" on this show, but Becca very clearly states that she's not. But Chris doesn't want her to focus on that. He wants to know if she sees a future with him. That's the question he needs answered: "Are you clairvoyant?"

She says she's so excited to be with him, but she can't make any promises on a timeline on when she'd be ready to move and pick up her life. She says she wants a family and wants to be married but doesn't know when that'll happen. Realism will get you nowhere, young lady. Just fake it till you make it. (Probably good advice for the sack, too, when she gets to that point, too.)

Chris rephrases: "Why don't you feel you're in love with me?" She doesn't know. She wants so badly to be able to answer that question. She says she's never been in this position before. Or any position, for that matter! Boom! Oh, yes I did! But all kidding aside, it's virgin territory for her... Boom! I can't help myself!

All she knows is that she wants him. That's the one thing she knows. Mixed signals much?

She has uncertainty on what she'd do in Arlington. Reasonable concerns, I'd say. She doesn't want to do just what Chris does. She worries that she might go there and then realize it's not for her. Chris probably doesn't help by saying they could figure it out. Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend.

Okay, 'toon time. Chris says he's excited to spend time with Whitney but you can tell his head is elsewhere. Whitney greets him outside and says, "It's nipply out here!" That's twice where I've had to go back and relisten to her squeaky voice to pick up what she said. Even the second time it sounded like "nipply." I think she meant "nippy," but I'll take it.

They're at his farm. They harvest some corn together, if you get my drift. And by "harvest some corn," I mean they sit in a tractor and actually harvest corn. She's a little too excited about this, if you ask me. She's in it to win it.

Then he gives her a tour of all his farms. The guy is the Donald Trump of farms, it seems like. Then he takes her to his house. She immediately feels at home. She probably peed over everything to mark her territory.

That night they have drinks at her hotel room. There's a framed photo of her with Chris. She takes it everywhere. Boiled rabbit is cooking in the kitchen.

I think it's her complete lack of hesitation that is off-putting. For such a drastic change of lifestyle, she should have at least a few.

Chris asks her what makes her so certain. She said, "I'm really glad you asked that question." Sounds phoney. She says she can know what he's thinking, yet obviously can't otherwise she'd know he was thinking about Becca.

He tells her he is excited about her and what they have. And he seems totally excited in the same way one is excited about a root canal.

Now it's decision time. But Chris still doesn't have clarity. He shaves then struts his gut as he tells us he's scared. Then he gets a visit from the ring man. As he pores over the rings, he's as confused as ever. He worries about his state of mind and whether he should even make a decision feeling this way. But he's all dressed now so he must at least show up.

He arrives at a barn, complete with haystacks, dressed to the nines. It's a barn where he raised his first pig. What a dreamy romantic! Candles are everywhere. Someone from Hollywood doesn't understand that hay is flammable.

He says it's a very real option that he doesn't propose to anyone because he's so torn. If that's the case, I think one woman would be very upset. The other? Meh.

Harrison just tells us that After The Final Rose provides the real game-changer. Maybe we'll see an on-air breakup. Or switch. Or something totally misleading. Could be anything.

The first stretch limo arrives. It's a long one. Roomy. Becca gets out. She tells Harrison she's nervous. Chris is saying he doesn't want to say goodbye. I think he'll choose her, but maybe I'm swayed by the edit.

He gives her the speech. It's all good so you know what that means: Bad conclusion. He tells her she's not ready. It's not fair to take that leap at this point. She doesn't seem too shaken up by it. Maybe more relief than anything. She tells him she respects him. They hug. Their hearts beat as one. He walks her out, even though they're already so out we can see their breath.

She gets back in the roomy limo and drives off. Chris is more upset than she is. She says she's in a state of shock and doesn't feel good. She can't process it right now. So that explains the no tears. You know what that means, don't you, honey? You're not in love!

Now the big question is what happens with Cartoon Whitney? And does it matter since Harrison tells us the real drama is in After The Final Rose?

She arrives at the barn full of nerves. She starts yammering on, as is her wont, and ends with, "I love you." Gutsy move if he doesn't select you. He puts on his best resigned face and recounts their history. He says it feels so right and so perfect. And that's what he wants for the rest of his life. Then he says, "I love you." He gets down on one knee. Yada yada yada.

And once again I can't help but imagine what she's going to think when she watches this episode and finds out she was second best, that it wasn't so much that Chris didn't select Becca, but that Becca didn't select Chris.

Oh yeah, she accepted. They sit in the barn window, marvel at the scenery, and kiss, newly engaged. I feel nothing. Just like Becca.

Not dramatic in the least. Kinda standard, in fact. So this AFR better be good.

Chris enters before the live studio audience. He stumbles over saying, "Whitney is the perfect person for me." Nice start to their now public coupling.

They talk about Becca but he doesn't seem stuck on her. He's not looking back. So where's the drama?

Becca joins them. They haven't spoken since the barn, however long ago that was. She seems as cool to him as always. They talk about how she's never fallen in love before. And Harrison tries to drive home how unusual this is for the show. This better not be the big "never before seen" tease he was talking about. But I guess you gotta do what you gotta do on a boring season.

No wait, there's an unprecedented announcement coming up that will "leave everyone speechless." 

Cartoon Whitney enters and says she's the happiest girl in the entire world. Harrison asks what it's like to be out in the open now, with no more secret rendezvouses. But why would they need a secret rendezvous when they're in Arlington? They could be in complete anonymity there. Cows don't talk.

They are happy so no controversy here. Still waiting for it. Whitney says she didn't watch the season. She doesn't see it as a necessity since she doesn't doubt their relationship. Probably wise on her part. Good thing there's no internet on the farm. Or phones, apparently. Or friends who watched the show.

Now she says she'll move to the farm in the future. The future? Where was that during the season? All we heard from her was how she'd be totally happy there. Becca voiced her reservations but said she'd move anywhere once in love. She should have kept it to herself like Whit did.

Harrison shows a clip they didn't use on the show. Right after the engagement, we see Chris' parents walking down the road to the barn, crashing the proposal. The mom immediately starts talking babies, and says they've got to practice lots first. Awkward little 'welcome to our family' sex talk.

Ashley S, the fake dimwit, is in the audience. Harrison presses her about Bachelor in Paradise again because nobody in the world is clamouring for it to happen. She says she supposes she might be there. Won't she just make a travesty of that, too? Or is that show already travesty-proof?

More with Whitney. Harrison calls her on the carpet about sneaking off to Arlington. So I was right. But they laugh it off. So much for contracts.

Speaking of travesties, Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance. Takeaways: Chris and Whitney haven't fought and they've been regularly making love. There's the practice Chris' mom was talking about. Kimmel tells Chris, "Bottom line, Becca wasn't into you." Nailed it.

Before he leaves, Kimmel has a present for them. He runs off stage and re-enters with a cow. It's something they can use "for that horrible farm you're moving to." The cow's name is Juan Pablo. Cue PETA outrage.

Next, finally, is the big announcement. It's about The Bachelorette and is unlike anything we've heard before. What could be unprecedented about a Bachelorette announcement? Every one is unprecedented because it's always someone new. But it better be good because the last three hours have been humdrum.

So who's it going to be? Harrison said they had a hard time deciding. Everyone was divided, staff and fans alike. He asks if the Bachelorette should be Dirty Hippy or Vancouver Girl. VG wins the studio audience vote easily. But the staff decided not to decide. For the first time, there are going to be two Bachelorettes. Can you say "gimmick"?

Um, okay. The franchise couldn't get more ridiculous, so what the hell.

The 25 men will have the say on day one. Presumably that means one of the two Bachelorettes will be voted off on the first episode. The audience is underwhelmed, as they should be. Harrison takes it as them being "floored." Britt and Kaitlyn enter holding hands like sister brides. Britt seems more into it than Kaitlyn. Without having any idea how it will work, I've got to say it sounds like a disastrous idea. But that's what you get when you refuse to make executive decisions and try to appease "Bachelor Nation." Take charge, producers. Don't be spineless. I hope "Bachelor Nation" vilifies the idea.

Anyway, I can't get too worked up about it. I'm just glad another season is over with. No matter how bad the two Bachelorettes idea is, it can't be any worse than a season on the farm.

I just scrolled back up to the top of my post, where I quoted Harrison as saying, "Buckle up, it's going to be a wild ride and the entire country will be talking about it tomorrow morning." I think it's safe to say you can unbuckle now. There was a mechanical failure with the ride. But he was right about one thing: tomorrow morning everyone will be talking about what a dud the show was.