Monday, October 20, 2014

Bachelor Canada: Easy come, easy go

This is just getting ridiculouser and ridiculouser. I'm talking about my tardiness, not the show, although that, too. In my defence: Who knew the show changed days? Not I. I mean, I have it set to record on my PVR so that's no problem, but it says something about a show's success (or lack thereof) when the network just ups and moves it to another night. And says something even more when nobody notices.

To be fair, I didn't watch until Sunday night so this would have been late no matter what. Not that it matters. We haven't received a comment on here in weeks. Not sure anyone is watching. Or reading. This blog is the proverbial tree falling in the forest with no one around. Timber!

The gang was in Toronto this week, Tim's home town. In keeping with the cheap sponsorship-driven narrative, we learned right off the top from Kaylynn that they were staying at the Grand Hotel. What happened to a nice, subtle (and quick) shot of the name?

At least there were no slogans on the date cards this time (that I noticed, anyway). The first one went to April, who proclaimed, "Shut up!" When Tim arrived and took her out to his motorbike, she yelped, "Shut up!" I was hoping for an episode full of shut ups but it was not to be.

Trish didn't appreciate April's glee, saying, "What's that about? Quit being so happy." And Dominique pouted that she's "never once been alone with Tim away from the girls. Ever." I distinctly remember an R-rated kiss the two shared, presumably in private. But, yes, she had never been on a date with him. But that kiss was more intimate than anything he's done with anyone else. That's gotta count for something.

Tim drives April off through the streets of Toronto to a spot by the lake overlooking the highrises of the city. It's a spot, he tells her, where he actively chose to be happy and his life changed drastically. I think he's got a thing for April and she may be the frontrunner. This message to her spoke volumes. That being said, I'm usually wrong.

He asked April if she'd ever been in love and she revealed she had been in a 7-year relationship. But the dude betrayed her trust and it ended. She said trust is very important but more than that, she wants unconditional love. Tim is so smitten he took that for her opening up.

But there's more she hasn't told him. Is it the passing of her father that we learned about in the first episode or is there more? She's mysterious. She said she doesn't know if she can trust him. Hey, why bother? If he mistakes vague platitudes of unconditional love as baring your soul, that's all he needs to know.

At night they went to an establishment with a pool table. April tells us she learned to shoot pool with her father and by the looks of things, she's pretty damn good. But so's Tim. She suggests a wager: if she wins, she gets to drive his motorbike; if he wins, he gets a kiss. They've already kissed, and would probably do so again anyway, but it was worth it to him just so he wouldn't have to lend out his precious motorcycle.

Tim won. Barely. He said it was "the highest intensity game I've ever played." And he got his kiss. It was no Dominique-style kiss, but, as I said, his chopper was safe.

April liked it, too. "What if I say I lost on purpose?" she teased. "Ha, ha, win-win for me." He gave her a rose.

The next date was a group affair with Kaylynn, Lisa the Red, Seashell, and Trish. Dom was the odd woman out. They went to Canada's Wonderland, a big amusement park, and had the run of the place. Tim called himself an adrenaline junkie so they hit all the rides. And that was some roller coaster. It went way up there. Then he had the gals race each other in go-karts, the winner getting some one-on-one time with him.

Lisa's dad is a car guy and she was in her element. Kaylynn, on the other hand, doesn't drive and doesn't even have her license. But she does have desperation on her side. Trish took it sloooow. We saw individual clips of them all but there was no sense of the race. We heard Lisa saying Kaylynn was on her tail, but the video evidence saw her out there with no one behind her. Then we heard that at the end, with Lisa in front, Kaylynn nudged her from behind and overtaking her for the win. But then we heard that Lisa finished last. With the shots of Trish moving at the speed of a grandmother tortoise, how is that possible? More importantly, why do these details bug me so much?!

Lisa said she will never underestimate Kaylynn again.

So Kaylynn gets to hop in a stationary jalopy outside a '50s diner with the man of her dreams. The problem was the other three girls were sitting in a booth inside at the nearest window. I wonder if the producers thought that through... Of course they did!

Kaylynn mesmerized Tim with her kiss stare. Poor Tim was helpless. It worked and Lisa gagged on her food, stopping short at vomiting in her mouth as she's always threatening. (Side note: Where else can one vomit? Am I doing it wrong?)

Nobody witnessing the smooch was impressed with Kaylynn's lack of couth. You might be wondering why Tim got off scot-free but it was because he was helpless. Nobody can withstand Kaylynn's kiss stare.

Kaylynn and Tim enter the restaurant to icy stares. Tim gets uncomfortable and takes Seashell out for a walk, where she tells Tim that they all know he has connections with different girls but "it just sucks seeing it." Tim responds that he has to take any opportunity he can get to see if there's a connection.

Back inside, Lisa says she just has to ask Kaylynn if she felt what she did was appropriate. Kaylynn looks down shamefully and says "everyone knows what they signed up for." This is true. Point to Kaylynn. Then Lisa replies in agreement but suggests that if the roles were reversed and it were Lisa out in the car kissing, Kaylynn would be in the bathroom bawling her eyes out. This is true, too. Game, set and match to Lisa. Kaylynn begins to cry. Lisa tells her she's got nothing to say to her. Kaylynn gets up and goes to the bathroom to bawl her eyes out. Woah! How did Lisa do that?

Kaylynn, the eternal victim, said, "Others would have done the same thing but because it's me, I'm getting attacked. I just can't handle it." And for the umpteenth time she hints at leaving: "I'm questioning if it's worth staying." Trish thinks Kaylynn is cracking.

Knock-knock. Who's there? Somebody returning to the fold. But it doesn't matter. Nobody doing this has ever moved past that particular episode... Except Ed. Didn't Ed do that in Jillian's season? Maybe. Okay, nobody else making a return visit has ever made it past that episode.

It was no surprise to learn who it was. I called it last week, not that it was much of a call. And while they tried to build the suspense this week, we saw the black Camaro driving down the street. It was Natalie. She came back with dyed black hair, although I thought she had black hair anyway. Goes to show how observant I am. Trish thought the new hair made her look like a witch.

Natalie said she was there "to give Tim that time to get to know me." The one-on-one date she had last week wasn't enough, I guess. Lisa said, "What the hell?" And, of course, talked of vomit in her mouth again. Somebody mentioned it was "unfair" she returned. But they're thinking of this like a game, not life. If the goal is for Tim to find the woman of his dreams (and that's a mighty big 'if', I grant you), then fairness shouldn't enter into the equation.

Natalie leaves to find Tim. She knocks on his door and he looks stunned to see her. She asks if they can chat in the hall. Tim invited her in. He was gobsmacked. She was there to get one more rose ceremony, the one she walked away from. She regretted leaving in haste. She exuded the confidence she never showed last week and Tim admired that. So long, Nervous Nat; hello Nervy Nat.

Tim didn't give her an answer right away. He needed time to process. She thanks him and leaves. Then there's another knock on the door. This time it's Dominique. She told Tim she felt a connection to him but she just felt he's closer to others than he is to her so she thought it was time to go home. Okay, see ya!

It wasn't quite like that, but Tim didn't exactly try to persuade her to stay. He said later he realized he didn't make enough time for Dominique, the model-slash-receptionist. In her farewell talk to him, she told him, "There are some amazing women down there. And I just hope you get to know them. Be careful. Seriously." Bum-bum-buuum! Ominous.

She told us who she was talking about, but not Tim. He'd have to find out on his own about the "bully and evil Lisa." I have mixed feelings about Lisa because I find her attractive and funny. But there must be something more that I can't put my finger on because I've hated previous "evil" women who were beautiful. But I will admit she certainly isn't showing her best side. Canada's a small country, population-wise, and she'll eventually get around to meeting most of us. Then again, it's doubtful more than a few hundred people have seen this season.

Tim processed and informed the remaining five that Natalie will be joining them at the rose ceremony. Nasty Lisa said she hates Nat's "fake hair, fake smile, and fake essence." Nervy Nat said she's "enjoying throwing a wrench in their plans." She said she "can definitely see" Tim giving her a rose.

Lisa said something very deep that requires levels of thought mere mortals can't even reach: "If Natalie were to stay and I were to go home, I would know that I am not the girl for Tim. Straight up." It seems so obvious on the surface, doesn't it? There must be more to it than what appears to be something like, "If I got dumped, I'd know he doesn't like me," but for the life of me, I can't figure it out.

At the rose ceremony, we were still left rudderless, without nominal host Tyler Harcott. He's been MIA for weeks now. I don't know how the show continues without the ladies being told there's one rose left and if they don't get one, to say their goodbyes. But somehow it does.

April had her rose. One person would be going home. The roses went in order to:

  1. Trish, who hopped over to Tim and giggled with glee
  2. Seashell
  3. Kaylynn, who let out a big sigh
  4. Lisa the Red Flag
Natalie didn't get one. You can imagine how devastated she was: "Oh, well," she said with a smile. Easy come, easy go, I suppose. She didn't cry. Said she got the closure she wanted. Then she was driven home. I guess she had to come back the next day to get her Camaro.

Next week the gals and Tim are off to Tuscany. Looks like lots of Lisa drama ahead. I'll try to remember to watch on Tuesday night. Oh, God, that's tomorrow!