Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Juan Pablo 5: Doing the deed in the deep, indeed!

That's how you do it, Sean Lowe! I hope the newlywed was watching as Juan Pablo deflowered the first of many señoritas well ahead of the Fantasy Suite formal offering. I can't believe JP actually took advice from the virginal Sean before heading into his adventure this season. That's like Rafael Nadal getting tennis tips from me before heading out to a Grand Slam event. JP knows what he's doing. It's just funny he continues to pay lip service to his daughter throughout it all.

Yes, JP and Clare did indeed do the deed in the deep. But we'll get to that. Let's take it in order, shall we?

This week Juan Pablo took his eleven ladies to the magical destination of Vietnam. The beauty of chickens in cages throughout the streets and people sailing in giant wicker bowls on murky waterways. Not only that but birds! Did you catch that? Nurse Nikki pointed in awe and exclaimed, "Birds!" Sure enough, a dozen seagull-like avians alit from the waters. You had to be there, I guess, but it was pretty spectacular.

Den Mother Renee got the first one-on-one date card, asking, "Are we the right fit?" It sounded more foreboding than it actually was. She was really excited, not only about the one-on-one but at the prospect of getting her first kiss from JP. She was so excited, in fact, her hands hurt... Wait, let me run that back again... Yup, that's what she said: her hands hurt.

D.A. Andi, meanwhile, was "super-worried." She was this week's Nikki, who reverted back to her nice, normal persona.
LITERALLY count: "We have travelled literally to the other side of the world." – Renee. VERDICT: Wrong. A globe doesn't have sides. But Viet Nam is still not on the opposite side of the globe from California. A quick glance at my globe tells me it's Madagascar, or thereabouts, although a case could be made for Iran, if you want to stay in the Northern Hemisphere. But that's eyeballing it. It's not literal.
Renee is a natural beauty, if you ask me, and seems like a solid person. You know Sharleen is my favourite, but I'd put Renee right up there with her. And Renee, unlike Shar-Sar, actually wants to be there.

We were led to believe that JP was on the fence with Renee, but if that were the case, he'd be nuts. And he's not nuts. He's a horndog, but he's not nuts. But he hadn't kissed her yet so what gives? And with the date card questioning if they were a fit, one had to wonder. Even on their date, he hailed a pedicab, then proceeded to steal it, hopping on the seat and pedalling away while Renee sat alone up front. He risked arrest rather than having to sit uncomfortably beside the single mom.

But you see the date card was also a pun! Ah, good times. Renee was to be measured for her own Vietnamese dress. The seamstress spent an awfully long time measuring her bust. Or at least the camera man (it had to be a dude) getting every possible angle. Even JP stuck his head right in close to read the tape that said 36. Nothing untoward here. He was probably just checking for his daughter.

Renee wasn't all that comfortable because she was sweating profusely. Or maybe it was just hot. Either way, it's super attractive, am I right, fellas?! So much so that JP just took off. He returned with a fan to cool her down. Oh, that Juan Pablo. He has a way with women.

"He makes me feel beautiful," said Renee, who does a pretty good job of being beautiful all by herself. She is smitten. And when JP suggests getting gifts for her Ben and his Camila, Renee is "speechless." And she really wants to kiss him. Still.

She wears her new frock that night and she looks gorgeous in it, as she would have looked no matter what she wore. And her eyes "hypnotize" Juan Pablo. He also thinks, "Honestly, there could be something here." So he offers her the rose and... no kiss. Just a quick peck on the cheek and a hug. Hey, she has a son! How could this father of a daughter possibly kiss a woman with a son? Grow up, people!

Renee, naturally, took it all in stride. No weird drama from her. She said, "If Juan Pablo doesn't kiss me tonight, that's okay." She amended that to, "It's whatever. It is what it is." This woman is too normal and well-adjusted for this show. What's she hiding?!

Next up was another one-on-one date, only this time with eight other women tagging along. The eight paired up while Clare and JP formed a union in one of those wicker teacup boats. They wound up in weeds and JP took the time to forget about his daughter and start making out with the 32-year-old hairdresser. To her credit, she appeared to back away as his mouth lurched to hers. I didn't think she should have been the subject of catty remarks just because she didn't pair up with anyone. It's not like she jumped forward to put her claim on JP.

Andi the Whiner found a moment to whisper to Juan Pablo about her worries. JP reminded her, "Didn't you get a group date rose?" He resisted the urge to add, "Then shut your trap."

On a walk, they come across a farmer who leads them to his house. Totally unplanned! The man had ten extra Asian field worker hats lying around, which coincidentally was the exact number of his guests. (It's also possible he just went around the house scooping up all his lamp shades.) He sent them out to the fields to pretend to farm, then his wife, I'm guessing, whipped up a meal using all the strange and wonderful produce they pretended to pick. Would Clare, who wouldn't try octopus without a scene, try it? That was the big question. Or not so much. The editors obviously forgot they made her out to be a very picky eater last week. No issues at all this week. It's this consistency that marks this as one of the top shows on television.

At their night party, JP takes his date Clare off while the other eight tag-alongs sit and pick their noses. Up to JP's suite they go, because, remember, he's totally not on a group date or anything. He "just wanted to have a good time with her and make her feel special." That's all. Oh, and look, she happens to have her bikini with her! May as well slip it on and go for a dip in his pool.

It's a chilly night and a chilly pool. Clare does the Jillian Leg-Wrap® in the water while Camila sits home and cries. And Renee, too, probably.

To be fair, JP spends some time with the others, too. He takes beautifully quirky Shar-Shar, bare back and all, for a walk on the beach. It won't surprise you to learn that Sharleen is questioning their connection again. She "feels like another face in the crowd again." Juan Pablo eases her stress by ramming his tongue down her throat. If you're wondering, it's okay because by this time little Camila would have fallen asleep.

Shar had a checklist of questions she was going to fire at Juan Pablo but those kisses knocked them right out of her head.
LITERALLY count: "I mean, literally it is gut-wrenching at times to see these girls have one-on-one time with Juan Pablo." – Andi. VERDICT: Sorry, wrong again. Her stomach was not literally being twisted and turned. It may have felt like that, but I'm pretty sure it stayed in place.
Andi got her own one-on-one time, as they always do. She also went to the beach and "next thing you know, we're sucking face again. Sorry Mom, another episode you can't watch." So allow me to extrapolate: Andi has strict restrictions on the television for her mother, while JP can't stop his four-year-old daughter from watching anything she wants at all hours? Got it.

Clare got the rose, which is only fitting because it was her one-on-one date, afterall. She got it for supposedly doing things out of her comfort zone. I guess that was when she backed away in the giant floating teacup when JP went in for the kiss.

Andi was confused and was wondering what she was even doing there.

But that was not the end of the date. Now we're at the part we led off with. It's 4 in the morning. Clare has the sudden urge to knock one item off her bucket list: she wants to swim in the ocean. I'm not sure Clare is clear on the concept of a bucket list, but whatever. It's something she's always wanted to do. So she sneaks up to JP's room. It is 4 a.m. but who knows when the group called it a night because JP is still dressed. She floats her idea past him and because he's a gentleman who obviously wants her to feel comfortable, he agrees. It also helped that he said she's "on fire" and added "aye yi yi."

I'm sure it was also his concern for her safety in the briny that "he was holding on pretty tight and not letting go." Of course, from the camera shots from shore in the dark, we couldn't see anything that, say, a four-year-old girl would raise her eyebrows at. But Clare raised her eyebrows – literally! – when she said they "just went for it. Pure bliss. In every way." Nuff said. The whole thing was hard for her to even process, "just like a newborn giraffe with wobbly legs"... Okay, so analogies aren't her thing, but cut her some slack, she was hardly thinking straight at that point.

The last one-on-one date went to the newly normal Nurse Nikki, back from her one-week purgatory as the in-house Whiner. Earlier Juan Pablo described the woman he's looking for as fun, smart and mature. After so much camera time with two 32-year-olds in Renee and Clare, the 26-year-old Nikki seemed decidedly less mature. Actually, I'm not sure Clare seemed all that mature, but at 32 one thinks of it more as 'youthful'. But no matter, she just seemed really young. Could have been the headband she was wearing, though.

JP describes Nikki as "gorgeous, smart and sexy." That'll do for now.

They go on a date to Hell. Turns out Hell is the cave's name. The idea is they'd go rappelling down into the abyss but get this... Nikki is afraid of heights! No way, right?! What are the odds?! She was frozen in fear but you knew she was going to do it. They always do it. Her que sera, sera attitude was, "I either live or I die or I poop my pants." Of these three, we know that she didn't die. That's all we need to know. She said it was "a lot like falling in love. You're trusting the other person and you also have very little control." She might have been talking about her bowels, but we can't be sure.

At the bottom, Juan Pablo whipped out his tongue and the two got it on. It was the gentlemanly thing to do. Camila would understand.

At dinner in another cave, Juan Pablo, fresh off his ocean adventure with Clare, admitted that he "didn't sleep that much last night." He could barely contain his inner dude. He was dying to tell someone he shagged Clare and Nikki was right there, but he ultimately decided to just hint at it.

Nikki asked if he couldn't sleep because he was so excited about their upcoming date. Juan Pablo didn't miss a beat, saying, "You're funny! No, it was because I was having sex in the sea." (He didn't say the second sentence but you could tell he really wanted to.)

Nikki said she's not a morning person. And we already knew JP isn't. I think she might have ruined her shot with him. He wants someone to wake up with his daughter on weekends, I'm sure. They can't both be sleeping in. Yin and yang.

She admitted she's never dated anyone with a child before, but JP was impressed with her fantastic heart. "She cares a lot about people and that's too attractive to me," he said. He called her a "potential wife" and gave her a rose.

The cocktail party was set amongst colourful lanterns – "the perfect setting for a first kiss," said ever-hopeful Renee. She really was a darling. I can't help but imagine what she's thinking watching all of this at home on her TV, seeing everyone else get full-on lip locks and that special Clare getting the full-on Full Monty while she eagerly and politely awaits first base.

JP assembled his guests and informed that three would be going home at the end of the evening. So... enjoy! Clare proposed a toast: "Cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love!" met with confused looks and nervous titters.

Andi, playing the role of Nikki this week, said she didn't know if she was beyond the physical with Juan Pablo. The suave South American told her not to be nervous and then said en español, "Gimme a little kiss." Question answered.

Meanwhile, this was Renee's moment. When she sat down with the man of her dreams, he told her his reasons for not kissing her: "I don't want Ben to be pissed at me." Renee was nonplussed: "He knows what I'm doing," she said. Bang, it's on! He moves right on in and they go at it fiercely. "It was definitely worth the wait," glowed Renee.

But now JP was having second thoughts about fornicating with Clare. He said he made a mistake and took it too far. When he sat down with Clare, he told her it was a little weird for him. She was perplexed and he answered that he's "too fair" with people. There are 10 other women there, afterall. Clare's point was that she was just doing what she'd be doing even if there weren't 10 other women there, if there weren't cameras following them around. Fair point. But as Juan Pablo pointed out, "We're not in that situation."

He brought up his daughter again, which brought Clare to tears. "It wasn't my intention to disrespect your daughter," she said. "I feel stupid and embarrassed." Now JP was on the defensive, going into papa mode, consoling Clare, telling her it was okay. Clare responded, "It's not okay or you wouldn't have brought it up with me." Little did either of them know the final footage was innocuous. There's no way a 40-year-old, let alone a 4-year-old, could tell what they were doing in the ocean that looked any worse than what we've already seen on land.

When the other girls saw Clare's tears, without knowing what happened, she covered it up like a pro: "Bad allergies, girl," she told them. But she was still upset. "It takes a lot for me to open up," she said. Uh, not that much, apparently. Just a gentle surf pounding on the shore.

She offered to give her rose back but JP refused. After all, there's plenty of ocean in New Zealand, where they're heading to next.

At the rose ceremony, Clare, Nikki and Renee were all safe. JP would hand out five more roses. And they went to:

  1. Sharleen the Opera Queen
  2. Cassandra the former NBA dancer/groupie
  3. Chelsie the science educator
  4. Kat
  5. D.A. Andi
They left Andi for last only because she was fretting all episode, but there was no doubt be chosen. Meanwhile Danielle, who's only been a rumour all season, wasn't fretting at all. At least she got to leave with her dignity intact. And her anonymity. Along with Danielle, Nanny Alli and Dog Lover Kelly all went home. Danielle said she knew there wasn't a strong connection. Spoken like a true psychiatric nurse. Alli took it a little harder, but not much. And there was no footage of Kelly saying anything.

Juan Pablo cried more than any of the three he sent home. But what was up with my garl Sharl? Tears were streaming down her face. This is when you're supposed to be raising a glass to the next stage of the adventure and all smiles. But she's a different one, that Shar. God love her.

In the upcoming highlights, though, it's hinted that she's going to leave on her own at some point. I hope this is nothing more than a false tease.


Amy said...

Can you create a button so I can share your blog post on Facebook?

Anonymous said...

The whole blog entry was so funny! I was afraid my laughter would wake up my dog, and she's almost deaf.

I have only watched The Bachelor for four seasons,but I have noticed that when there is a child involved, it seems to become all about the child. I realize that single parents want to try to find new partners too, but this just may not be the best way to do that.

I don't think Clare should have been "reprimanded" by Juan Pablo for doing something he was totally agreeable to the night before. It reminded me of the song "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?"

Guy MacPherson said...

Hey Amy, good idea. I just spent about ten minutes trying to figure out how to do that before my head started to hurt. But while staring at the screen, I noticed there's a way to do it already. At the very top of the screen, to the right of the Google+ share, is a drop-down menu saying "More". And there you'll find ways to share by Email, Facebook and Twitter. Hope that helps.

Anonymous said...

I don't know Mr. Blogger, on one hand your gossiping about "deflowering" and then later admitting that we couldn't really see anything. I'm not saying there wasn't some wood floating in the ocean but I doubt it went that far. Rennee, nice for sure but not what JP's looking for in other areas. Shar's plunging backless dresses do look good now, but not likely when the inevitable 40+ lbs come on later. Plus it seems like she likes being a total B just for sport. Those 8 girls on the one on one should have left, that was just rude. The season doesn't see to drag as much as others. Go Nikki!!!