Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Juan Pablo 6: No comprende

Where were we? Ah yes, week six. We're chugging along at a good clip, aren't we? I'm enjoying this season for a couple of reasons: 1. Our protagonist seems like a good dude with a decent sense of humour who doesn't keep around crazies, and 2. The absence of crazies. I guess things can still heat up but I'm liking how little drama there is this year compared to others. Everyone is relatively sane and likeable. Sure, I have my favourites, but there's no one I can't stand. That's a first.
I found a picture of one anyway

Oh, before we get started, Amy in the comments section last week asked if I could add a button on the site so people could easily post to Facebook. After extensive Binging, I couldn't figure out how to do it. And then I stumbled across the 'More' drop-down menu at the top of the page. Click on it and you can share by email, share with Facebook, and share with Twitter (and report abuse). So get on it, people! Start sharing.

Okay, let's head down to New Zealand. Juan Pablo can meet us there in his float plane. Not sure where he was flying in from. I didn't think float planes flew great distances but what do I know?

Cassandra got lots of face time this week, mainly because it was her 22nd birthday. And also because The Bachelor producers love foreshadowing. Cass never thought she'd travel to New Zealand. Probably, I'm guessing, because she'd never once thought of New Zealand in her life. There's an outside chance she'd never even heard of it before.

Clare was eager to put last week's sex in the Vietnamese sea episode behind her by clearing the air with Juan Pablo. She said the whole thing "blew up in my face." Probably not the most the sensitive metaphors considering she was talking about Vietnam.

Andi got the first one-on-one date, which disappointed Clare. But Clare was reading the date card. And not once in the history of this storied franchise has the person reading the card been the one to get the one-on-one. Tip for future contestants: If you want a one-on-one, never read the date card!

Cassandra told us numerous times how she hadn't dated in so long. Reminder: Cass is 21 years old with a two-year-old son. She's done more dating than many women her age. She got the sniffles when she didn't get the one-on-one, which she was expecting because it was her birthday and everything. So she turned to... any guesses?... that's right, Renee, the Den Mother. She's always there with a shoulder to cry on. Renee calmed her down. She's awesome, that Renee is. Too bad about the tramp stamp, though.

I'm beginning to think (after 18 seasons – I'm quick on the uptake) the people on this show might get help with expressing their thoughts. I know Andi's a lawyer and supposedly smart, but when she said they were in the land of volcanoes and they can all "feel the pressure" and that "emotions are bubbling," my spidey-senses were tingling. That's got marketing/ad copy hackdom written all over it. There's too much of that. I'm sure they get talking points they can draw from. Thankfully it appears the "there for the wrong reasons" talking point has been removed this season.

Andi and JP started their date off in a speedboat zipping along the water. They stopped at some rocks and the driver apparently told them to get out. I'm not sure because he was speaking in New Zealandese and I couldn't understand a word he was saying. So they peeled off their clothes and hopped into the drink. Andi had been sitting a while so she had a wedgie in her bathing suit. Or her bathing suit was wedgied. I'm not sure how to phrase that. I wish I had The Bachelor writers to help me.

They walked through huge rocks in cold water. All I could think of what kind of weird fishy things were under water and what kind of horrific insects were nearby. The show can protect you from crazy high-wire stunts but it can't protect you from nature. Even the macho Crocodile Hunter died from a stingray. (I also thought about the camera operator who was ahead of them taking the potential hits so it was probably safer than I imagine.)
LITERALLY count: "We're literally, like, in, like, a tunnel between caves." Andi. VERDICT: On first blush, you might think this is correct. My wife did, bless her heart. But a tunnel is an artificial underground passage. This wasn't even enclosed! I grant that it was tunnel-like (as opposed to "like, a tunnel") but my final verdict is INCORRECT.
This was, sadly – and literally – the only LITERALLY count of the evening.

Picture them under a waterfall
They eventually found their way to a waterfall where they Blue Lagooned it, making out in the cascading water, his trunks slipping down to reveal butt crack while Andi does the patented Jill Leg Wrap®.

One anonymous commenter last week suggested that perhaps I was jumping to conclusions about what happened in the water with Clare last week. I don't know how it could be interpreted any other way. What we saw – and what his impressionable daughter could see – last week was tame in comparison to the sexy shenanigans with Andi (and everyone else), yet his reaction was completely over the top with Clare. Makes no sense if they weren't enjoying an electric eel ride.

JP likes Andi. He thinks she is "so cool." Then again, he likes most of the girls. They had dinner in front of a geyser, which "completely ruined our dinner," said Andi. But she didn't care. She got the rose and more smooches. And with the geyser erupting in the background, Andi said, "Our chemistry is bursting through as well." Or at least that's what she was fed by the producers.

Next up was the group date, which Cassandra found herself on despite it being her birthday and she deserved a one-on-one. Actually, she was fine about it. Like I said, everyone's pretty chill this season and I appreciate it. She, along with Kat, Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee and Nikki went to the top of a hill, slipped inside a giant ball, and rolled down the hill. Why isn't this a thing everywhere? I would so do that, and I'm no thrill-seeker.

Cassandra had the line of the night when she commented on the scenery: "It reminds me of Ohio but we don't have hills." Um, okay. Cassandra reminds me of Einstein but she's way better looking and a lot dumber.

With all the ladies in their bathing suits, this is where I learned about Renee's unfortunate tramp stamp. But as an elder, she must be given some slack. Those hideous inky bums were all the rage in her youth. And she's so swell in every other way, I'll overlook it.

At night they went to Hobbiton, which is where they filmed Lord of the Rings. Fun fact: I only could sit through half of the first one and not a minute of any of the following ones. And yet I gleefully have watched 18 seasons of The Bachelor! What does that say about me? I don't want to find out.

When Renee got JP alone, the kisses continued. She is so sweet, that one. I think I want her to win. Shar's my favourite, as you all know, but she's too good for JP – and quite possibly for anyone. But Renee would be great with him – and quite possibly anyone.

I should have nicknamed her Ringo because of all her rings and half-rings, but I only noticed them last week. It's too late now. She'll remain the Den Mother.

Nikki told JP she's "totally falling for you." Her natural reaction is to pull back. But she didn't pull back when the kisses started.

And you'll never believe this, but Sharleen was questioning both her and JP's feelings. I know, right? Usually she's so self-assured and confident. But man, Juan Pablo has a thing for her. It might all be physical, though, because she just sat down and said hello when he jumped right into her mouth. She uttered a phrase that sounded like "two shakes of a lamb's tail" or something about a lamb's tail to describe how quickly he kiss-attacked her. He didn't know what it meant. It was the first of three new words or phrases he learned this week, along with "frazzled" and "bolt."

She had to keep stopping so she could get to her insecurities. She asked him, "How do you think I'm feeling?" JP's answer was great. He didn't give it a moment's thought, just quickly replied, "You're feeling great. A little scared." Man, he's good. She bought it.

In this episode when JP was learning more English, Shar-Shar told him that "the process is a little inorganic." Juan Pablo responded, "I understand you." Yeah, frazzled and bolt are too much for him but inorganic process is no problem.

JP told Sharleen to Zen it out. That is, live in the moment and don't question things. Telling Shar not to question things is like telling the sun not to shine. If she ever stops, it's the end of life as we know it.

Cassandra got some alone time with Juan Pablo but there were no kisses. And I doubt it's because he was thinking of little Camila. She told him she respects him as a dad, which might have been poor wording on her part. Either he's a father-figure to her or she's a dad. Either way, probably not what he wanted to hear.

JP was sure he was "going to have a happy ending." But he'll have to save that for the Fantasy Suite. He had a rose to give out and it was going to be tough. Renee thought it should go to Cass because she needed it. And it was her birthday. And because Renee is a freakin' saint! I thought it could have gone to any number of them, but physical attraction won out and Sharleen got it. Don't get me wrong, I think he also loves her intellect, her uniqueness, and her talent, but the heart wants what it wants. Or maybe I'm projecting.

Immediately after handing the rose to Sharleen, he asks to speak to Cassandra outside. Maybe finally she'd get her birthday present! And she did. She got a one-way ticket back to the United States to see her son! That Juan Pablo, what a guy! He spun it nicely, that she was gorgeous, funny and so nice but he wished they were in the same chapter in life. In other words, she's a baby and he's a grown man.

She took it really well. He cut off any disappointment at the pass by saying this wasn't about disappointment. "It's about growing. And you've grown a lot." Happy Birthday! Now get lost. In the limo out of there, she reiterated that she's been waiting "so long" for love. Did I mention I have underwear as old as she is?

Next up was the much-anticipated date with Clare. They had a chin-wag right off the bat. He told her he was still trying to figure out his boundaries. The ocean is a natural boundary, isn't it? So technically she didn't cross it. When she asked what his boundaries were, he said he never kisses a woman or holds hands in front of Camila. I see... I think. So it's safe to assume these are shifting boundaries. But to his credit, he's limited his kissing to about six women. And sex to just one. So far.

But here's where it gets ambiguous. She asks, "Did we do something inappropriate?" If it was no more than kissing or maybe second base under the waves, what's all the hullaballoo? Then again, if all they did was kiss passionately in the 4 a.m. pounding surf, then the answer to her question has to be a resounding no. But then it's no worse than his actions with the others. Oy this is a conundrum!

And then – and then! – after all that hot air, they sit on the shore and kiss like there's no tomorrow. Totally appropriate!

She's relieved and wants to stay. Even more so when he gives her the rose. They slow dance in sweat pants and kiss alone in his room. Again, totally appropriate! Nothing to see here, Camila. Move along.

At the cocktail party, he gets it on with Nikki. When JP tells her he's wearing pink underwear, this was the exchange:
Nikki: I like a man in pink.
JP: I like pink a lot.
Nikki: I like you a lot.
Boom! Nikki executed her game plan to perfection. JP likes her, too. "Watch out!" he exclaimed. Sure, it's vague enough to mean nothing, but it could also mean something.

But then he seems to have a great connection with the only single mom remaining, the Den Mother herself, Renee. "I could be the one loving life with her," he said. He also said, with a straight face, that there's nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid. He's obviously not on Facebook.

The women know what's what. Chelsie and Kat knew it was a battle between them for last place. A Kat fight, you might say. Chelsie is the one who felt frazzled. Kat has been journalling. She told JP about her drunk dad passed out beside her 5-year-old self. It was probably her father, she reckons, who instilled her fear of disappointment. That settled it right there for Juan Pablo. JP's all about people overcoming their fears. Maybe she won't be afraid of disappointment now. He's a hero.

Still, both Kat and Chelsie felt more confident after talking with the man of their dreams.

At the rose ceremony, Andi, Sharleen and Clare were safe. With Cassandra already on a flight home, one more would be joining her. The roses were handed out in order to:

  1. Nikki
  2. Renee
  3. Chelsie
Leaving Kat out in the cold. Cue Sharleen's tears. Big smile from Kat, though, and a cheery, "Good luck!" But Shar was inconsolable. Again. In the limo, Kat's emotions got ahold of her. "I think the problem is my whole life I've been told how great I am and what a catch I am and yet here I sit."

So what was up with Sharleen? She claimed to be happy to be there and happy to be moving on, but she feels "guilty going on. I can see other girls here suiting him better." All episode we saw teases of her saying, "I think it's best that I leave." Let this be a lesson in context. Here's the full quote they showed at the end: "I'm going to give it another week and see if there's something I'm missing. And if I absolutely cannot see myself with Juan Pablo, I think it's best that I leave." A little different, no?

Don't get me wrong, she still might pull herself from the proceedings, but who knows for sure? If she's a ball of tears when someone else gets sent home, she might very well want to be proactive about her own farewell. Or maybe she just realizes she can't be with a guy who picks up sheep poop with his bare hands and starts a poop fight. She's got class! I'm hoping he just misunderstood what "two shakes of a lamb's tail" meant.

Next week, Miami! Boring. Why not Venezuela? Hope that's coming another time.


Kelly said...

I would hold out more hope for Shar if she hadn't been more excited about Hobbiton than I have EVER seen her about Juan Pablo...

HP said...

"He's obviously not on Facebook." BEST EVER.

Anonymous said...

Luv the breezy pace this year too, but the significant reduction in gratuitous bikini shots is a trend they need to correct for all future seasons. JP seems like a decent guy but I find he talks to the chicks like he's talking to his 8 year old daughter 1/2 the time,its annoying. Shar did not say two shakes of lamb tail, please review tape as its bugging me I cant remember. As for Cass, a little young yes but talking to the camera I found her articulate and self aware. She did get a little shy around JP but she's as smart as the rest, as a comic critic I thought you would recognize deadpan humour when you see it. Go Nikki!!!!

Guy MacPherson said...

Hey Anonymous,
*Weren't there enough gratuitous bikini shots in the giant ball?
*Agreed, he totally talks to most of the women like a father to a daughter.
*I ran back the tape a few times when Shar said what I thought she said. It was something to do with a lamb's tail, I'm pretty sure. I added what I know the expression to be at the beginning since I couldn't make out what she said. Maybe someone else here can fill us in.
*I never suggested Cass was not as smart as the rest, if you read carefully. I said she's a lot better looking than Einstein and a lot dumber than Einstein. As just about anybody is... on both counts.
*Nikki's alright by me. But they all are. Didn't you watch three episodes ago? Surprised you stuck with her through her whiny episode.

Anonymous said...

I think, literally, that Juan Pablo might be more interested in the physical side of these relationships. You think?

Amy said...

Did you see that Kacie B. is engaged?