Farmer Chris: The amazing story

What week are we in? I've lost track. I know that Farm Boy has whittled down his original 30 to a manageable 11 and they're off to New Mexico this week. We've got a couple virgins (one real – Becca – and one fake – Sexy Virgin) and one entitled princess (Kelsey the Komplainer) in the mix. Now that you're all caught up, let's get the show on the road.

Santa Fe, it turns out, is the perfect place to fall in love. Kinda like every other place the show travels to. Plus they might wear sombreros! Or maybe not! I don't know about that but if New England has double decker buses and fish 'n' chips, there's a good chance it'll be bullfights and siestas in New Mexico. Megan also is picking out her bathing suit for that famous New Mexico beach action. She's just excited because she's never been out of the country before.

The Sexy Virgin says she needs the one-on-one time more than anyone, but Carly the Crooner gets the date card. It read, "Let's come together." Any guesses what that means? I guessing it's not simultaneous orgasms.

Carly is the perfect girl to bring on today's date, says Chris, to this perfect place to fall in love. Perfect.

Chris and Carly meet a love and intimacy mentor. The love guru apparently knows the secrets of intimacy. So maybe the date card does mean what I thought it didn't.

The love guru starts by burning some sage and passing the smoke around the couple. Nothing like a little smoke inhalation to get things going. But Chris is cautiously optimistic. Now he and Carly are sitting back-to-back, chanting and breathing hard. Chris felt nothing. I would have guessed at the very least he would have felt strong embarrassment.

Then Carly got to blindfold Chris. I was going to joke about fruit and chocolate because that was Megan's go-to move last week, but that's exactly what the guru brought out. She must watch the show. Carly says she's terrified of intimacy but she caresses Chris awkwardly and feeds him the fruit and chocolate. Can't believe they're repeating themselves so early in the season. What's next, a zombie laser tag game?

Next Chris is standing doggy style over the downward facing dog that is Carly, much like the town sign in the new Canadian sitcom Schitt's Creek. He's caressing her hips and inner thighs from that vantage point. Now Chris is starting to realize this quack ain't no love guru; she's a sex guru! Which leads to the quack telling them to de-robe each other. Carly's nervous because she hasn't taken off her clothes for a man in a long, long time – and the fact she's doing it on national TV, no doubt.

Wasn't the talk that Chris had a hot body? He looks pudgy to me. If he didn't have pecs, you'd totally notice his belly hanging over his belt.

Carly starts to take off Chris's pants then whispers that she's uncomfortable. Chris says he is, too. It was the worst date of her life, poor dear. So they stay clothed and hug after revealing to each other one metaphorical mask they want to take off. I didn't catch them because it's all just so stupid.

Next thing you know, Carly is sitting in Chris's lap facing him. The rule: No kissing! Just heavy breathing of each other's breath. Gross. And finally the release – a long, sensual kiss. Maybe the quack knows a thing or two after all.

Kelsey the Komplainer is now talking about the death of her husband. Sexy Virgin thinks it's weird that she waited five weeks to tell the story. She's skeptical. Kelsey says she needs a one-on-one to be able to tell Chris. But instead she gets a group date. As you might have guessed, the Komplainer thinks it's "unacceptable."

First the evening portion of the Carly date, though. They sip beer in front of a roaring fire. Carly tells Chris her last boyfriend didn't want to be physical with her ever. So now it's hard for her to be vulnerable. She doesn't feel beautiful or even like a woman. She says she's not the prettiest woman. I find that refreshing to hear because she is attractive. That's pretty vulnerable.

Carly asks the million dollar question to Chris: Are you afraid someone's going to get to your house and want to leave? He is afraid of that a bit. But she tells him he has nothing to fear, which melts him. But I think that is a genuine concern. And probability. But this moment with Chris makes her feel beautiful. He gives her a rose. He says she'd be "the best wife you could ever ask for." Kiss of death, right?

Group date time. It's white water rafting on the Rio Grande. A grizzled old prospector informs them of the risks. Sounds terrifying. This could be the last date of their lives if they fall in and get sucked under.

Turns out it's not as dangerous as Yosemite Sam let on. Naked Jade went overboard and survived. She was pulled up and we see that while in the water, she found the missing black rectangle that left with Jillian.

Turns out Jade has a rare disorder that makes her hands and feet cold and numb when they're exposed to cold temperatures, so she gets some Chris time as he rubs her pedal extremities. I can't imagine living with such a disorder. When I'm exposed to freezing temperatures, my hands and feet are always toasty warm.

Jordan shows up in the evening. Who? Apparently she got eliminated in the second week. But this was no coincidence. She wasn't there on a random vacation. She drove from Colorado just to talk to Chris.

Ah, Chris clues us in. She was the one who drank too much. But she seems super sober now. Second chances are important to her. So's love. She's asking for just a little bit of time to talk to him. This'll end well. It's always a surefire way to get back in the running. Meanwhile, the nine on the date are sitting around waiting for him.

Jordan tells Chris that drinking is something that sometimes gets the best of her. Not exactly what you open with when you're trying to win someone back, but we'll see what happens. Chris seems like a forgiving sort. They walk to the others arm in arm, so maybe she'll get her second chance.

Sexy Virgin says Jordan was her least favourite person in the house. She tells Chris that Jordan's a party girl and not ready to be wife material. But at least Jordan has had sex. She was probably drunk at the time, but she's had it.

Chris spends most of his time talking about Jordan. It always amazes me how upset people get when one person is added to the mix. Sexy Virgin thinks they shouldn't be nice to her. Cartoon Whitney disagrees. She thinks Sexy Virgin is mean and Chris does not need a mean wife. Things are getting tense.

Even though I have very little memory of this Jordan person, I now want her to get the rose. She won't because no returnees ever last beyond the episode, but it would be sweet just to shove it in the face of those insecure meanies.

Britt, it turns out, hasn't showered in weeks. She also hasn't shaved her legs in ages. Or washed her hair. Must be playoffs or something. She has the final one-on-one but she's crying because the card says, "Sky's the limit." She's freaking out because she's petrified of heights.

Back at the group date, Chris takes Jordan aside because he knows what he needs to do. The meanies won out. He tells Jordan to hit the road and she takes it well. I hope he makes a mental note not to include any of these nine in his final three. At the very least, he shouldn't hand out a rose on this date.

But he does. He sits down with the remaining girls and picks it up, giving it to Cartoon Whitney because he's excited about their potential and he feels she's there for the right reasons. At least she was the least mean of the meanies.

Sexy Virgin is upset. She says earlier in the day she looked at Cartoon Whitney in the boat and thought, "I don't have to worry about that." Not "her" but "that." Sexy Virgin is intense. She's got a lot of pent up something-or-other.

Now the one-on-one terror date with Britt. It's an early start to the day. If I know one thing about hot air ballooning, it's you have to get up pretty early in the morning. So Chris sneaks into her room and wakes her up. First thing I notice is the lipstick. Carly now confirms it, saying Britt puts makeup on before going to bed. Maybe that helps cover the smell of not showering.

Britt doesn't want to be the wet blanket on a super fun date, but if they're jumping out of something, she says it won't go well. But she gets excited when she sees it's a hot air balloon. Good thing she never saw Ryan Hamilton's routine about his experience in a hot air balloon. He nails it. And it's hilarious. Watch this two-minute clip and thank me later.



Britt feels safe in Chris's arms as the balloon ascends. There's no way she's really afraid of heights. I'm getting queasy just watching.

Sexy Virgin relates that Britt said she loved being single and wasn't in any rush to get married or have kids. Cut to: Chris and Britt. She asks him about kids and tells him she wants "like, a hundred. Honestly, I do." Carly says on a scale of 1 to manipulative, Britt is beyond manipulative. So manipulative, in fact, the smelly one gets the rose.

The one-on-one date started in bed and ended in bed. They kiss in bed, but it looks like they're fully clothed. Then Chris closes the bedroom door. But nothing's happening there, guaranteed.

Although Britt returns glowing, so who knows? But she's met with tension from the others. It doesn't ease up when she tells them she was in his room for two hours taking a "nap."

Kelsey the Komplainer feels threatened. She gets in the elevator and finds Chris's room to pay him a surprise visit. She needs to tell him that she's a widow lest she get sent home at the rose ceremony. I don't see the connection, personally, but that's just me. Does she think she'll get a sympathy rose? How does that work?

She sits down with Chris and tells him about her husband and his death. Chris hugs her. Which leads to a sexy kiss. She tells the camera, "Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but it's amazing. I love my story." Curious use of the term "story," I thought. She uses it a couple more times for good measure. Could it be just that? Probably not, but like I say, curious. She also uses her dead husband's full name as if to prove he really did exist.

Everyone's worried pre-cocktail party – everyone except Kelsey. Something's not adding up to Cartoon Whitney. What makes Kelsey so relaxed and calm in this sea of uncertainty?

Chris enters and tells everyone he and Kelsey had an emotional conversation. She tears up. Chris is at a loss for words. That's not all that unusual, but he seemed more at a loss than usual. He said he thought about some things that day due to the conversation, but then couldn't continue with his thoughts. He said he needed to take a second and walked out. What's this about? Thankfully Chris Harrison is lurking nearby to offer nothing of substance.

Kelsey tells the others how hard it is to say goodbye. "I'm not going," she starts before realizing her gaffe and quickly adding, "I don't know if I'm going, but saying goodbye is hard." Delusional or was there a pact?

Vancouver Girl thought it was so unfair Kelsey got quality time with Chris that the others didn't. But anyone could have. All it takes is for them to walk down a hall and knock on his door. Surprised they don't all do that every week.

Harrison returns to inform the ladies that Chris's decision is for there to be no cocktail party because he's made his decision. Sexy Virgin is beside herself about the Kelsey situation. Showing her depth of emotion and maturity, she says, "Because she has a story that is so much more traumatizing than me, she got to talk to him and I couldn't. My story is obviously nothing compared to hers and now it's just like a big comparison game of sad stories." But her virginity is pretty tragic in its own way.

While they're sitting around, Kelsey got up and left. Where did she go? Oh, there she is. She's on the floor moaning and crying and a woman is leaning over her asking her if she remembers her name. The woman wondered if Kelsey fell and hit her head because of her position. But Kelsey's saying it was a panic attack. Saying between sobs, that is. You'll have to admit, it's quite a story.

And it's to be continued! It's a real storybook ending.

Best part of the night was the funny little outtake at the end with Megan (I think; I still don't have a handle on what she looks like) wearing a sombrero. It comes on after you think the show is over so in case you missed it, here's the transcript of her talking to the camera:

This is a sombrero, the fanciest hat I've ever put on my head. Makes me feel like I am a resident in Santa Fe, New Mexico. (She does the macarena.) I never figured out why they call it New Mexico instead of Old Mexico. I think there already is a Mexico so they were like, okay, since it's... Well, I think Mexico was first and then the United States came. ... Now I just need to learn, like, a New Mexico song. Or a Mexican song. (long pause, which leads to what looks like an Egyptian-style move.)... It's my thinking cap.

You can't write that!