Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Bachelorette Andi: Trust me, I'm lying!

Welcome to Italy. Andi and the eight remaining contenders started the week off in Venice (or "the Venice of Venice" as it's known all around the world). Andi had been there before but we got no details about that former trip. She did call it the most romantic city in the world, though, so maybe that's a hint.

I started the blog entry off immediately because that's how Andi started this week. She met the guys on the street and took Nick off in a gondola to start his one-on-one. Everyone thought it was going to be Cody to get the date because he was the only one yet who hadn't received one. Even the ├╝ber-confident Nick was shocked. Cody said he felt like "the pet dog of the group," like he's being "drug along." Let that sink in for a moment.

The guys all feel for him. And not just because he doesn't know the past participle of the verb "to drag."

Nick and Andi walk through the city hand in hand. Then they were back in the same gondola with the same driver talking about the last group date when Nick was being, um, "salty." He owns up to his pouty behaviour, saying, "You were right; I was wrong." Immediately, Andi's face lights up. Music to her ears! This is a man she could grow to tolerate so long as he knows his place. "How do those words feel coming out of your mouth," she giggles triumphantly.

Their dinner that night is a formal affair. Nick wears a tux; Andi wears a gown. They were apparently eating in a masquerade hall. Only in Europe! Here, that would have been torn down for a condo tower years ago. But it raises the question: How often are they holding masquerade balls in Venice that they need this ornate building dedicated to the one thing?

Andi thought Nick looked like "a prince" in his tuxedo. Then again, she finds it attractive when a man is liked by others. And from early reports she received, that's not his strong suit. It's a conundrum.

The guys don't like it that he acts like he's the frontrunner, so Andi asked him flat out if he thought he was the frontrunner. There was a long pause before he answered, "I don't like the word." Translation: Yes.

But she was impressed that he "copped to everything." I happen to think Nick is fine. But I also thought that copping to everything is a definite strategy. It doesn't prove he's a good guy. But the Assistant D.A. gave him a rose. She knows good people when she sees them, I guess.

Then Andi grabbed a couple of masks for them to dance in. Somewhere, Jeff, the masked man, from Ashley's season, is beating his head against the wall.

Andi and Nick waltzed outside to a violin, cello and accordion making the sounds of a full orchestra. Neat trick.

Nick said he had been "masking" his feelings, "if you will." Nope, I won't. Inexcusable.

The group date was in Monselice, Italy. Never heard of it. Andi got her third mysterious note from her secret admirer. We caught a glimpse of the card. We couldn't read what he wrote but my initial guess was her secret admirer was Ted Kaczynsky, aka the Unabomber. Did you notice the tiny writing?

My second thought was just how stupid the idea was. We are down to the final eight gentlemen callers. Lots have been sent home to this point and he could have been one of them. Isn't the whole point of the exercise to woo the lady of your dreams to you? He might very well have been booted off prior to this and she wouldn't have known until it was too late who it was.

Josh also came up with another reason why it's stupid: It's the final eight – everyone admires her. There's no secret!

The group date was a fun-filled romp with two of Italy's leading lie detector administrators. I've always wanted to try a lie detector test even though I think they're largely bunk. Or maybe because I think they're largely bunk. There's a reason why they're not admissible in court.

JJ practically blew a circuit saying he never lies, then correcting himself saying that itself was a lie. Farmer Chris thought it was the worst date imaginable because he has news to tell her and didn't want it to come about this way. Ooh, what could it be? Something sinister, I hope!

No, something boring, actually. Turns out he was the secret admirer. Scandalous! Not the Unabomber, after all.

Andi went first. She was asked if Italy was her favourite country (yes), if she thought the guys were there for the right reasons (yes), if she's ready for love (yes) and if she thinks her husband is one of the eight (yes).

Then it was the guys' turn. Josh was on edge. They were instructed to answer just 'yes' or 'no'.

  • To Josh: Is your name Josh? (yes). Have you ever cheated on a test? (yes) Are you here for the right reasons? (yes) Do you believe you can fall in love with Andi? (yes)
  • To Dylan: Are you ready for marriage? (yes) Have you slept with over 20 women? (yes!) Do you wash your hands after you use the bathroom? (no!)
  • To Marcuszzz: Do you prefer blondes to brunettes? (no) Are you ready for marriage? (yes)
  • To JJ: Are you here for the right reasons? (yes) Are you good in bed? (yes)
  • To Coach Brian: Do you want children? (yes)

That's what we got, anyway. Thoughts:

  • The "right reasons" is open to interpretation. If a fella's intentions are to get on the show and lie so he'll get more airtime and thus help his career, then in his mind he's there for the right reasons.
  • Poor Dylan. Everyone else got predicably dull questions. The invisible guy has slept with over 20 women?! Can you imagine how many a guy like Josh has bedded? No wonder he was sweating bullets. In fact, he couldn't even stick around. He felt sick and high-tailed it out of there. He couldn't even bring himself to using his big-boy words. When she asked where it hurt, he hit his stomach and head.
  • As I was jotting down notes, I couldn't remember Marcuszzz's name so I used "Boring guy."
Speaking of Marcuszzz, it turns out the guy's Canadian! I found his bio on the official Bachelorette website on ABC says he's from Medicine Hat, Alberta. It also says he turned pro in soccer. Why don't they mention this on the show?! Is it that Juan Pablo ruined all of America for soccer?

Other interesting tidbits from the official website:

  • Cody, asked if he has tattoos, says, "You don't put bumper stickers on a Mercedes."
  • Coach Brian lists one of his favourite movies as The Notebook. Also, he may be religious as one of his three items he'd take to a desert island would be a Bible.
  • One of Dylan's dream jobs, if he could have any job in the world, would be gym teacher. He must be in awe of Coach Brian.
  • JJ is 6-foot-5!
  • If Josh could have any job in the world it would be professional golfer "because I could do that until I'm 70 years old." I guess it's either that or crossing guard.
  • Tasos, the wedding event coordinator, was a musician at some point and played the main stage of the Red Rocks Amphitheatre.
But I digress. The stern Italians returned with the results. We were told Andi told two lies ("I think I know which ones," she said. You think??? Oh right, she's a lawyer.) As for the others, three of the men told no lies. One told two lies. And two told three lies. Okay, buckle up, let's get all the juicy details!

Coach Brian goes first, ripping open the envelope with Andi's results. But nothing is revealed to us. Then Andi decides to rip up the other envelope without reading the results! Boo! What a pointless segment (other than learning not to shake Dylan's hand after he steps out of the loo).

Andi said, "I trust y'all" even though she was told that 50 percent of the group were lying liars. I guess she didn't want anything to influence her decision. She'll decide when someone is lying, whether they are or not. In her mind, she was probably wondering what she would do if the three guys she was least interested in turned out to be the truthful ones.

That night, Coach Brian did his own test on her. He grabbed her wrist, felt her pulse, then asked, "Do you want to make out?" Andi answered no. "You're lying!" he said and kissed her. This episode is probably banned in some college campuses because that was not consensual.

Marcuszzz, the kid at 25, told her, "I am in love with you." Poor sap. We all remember our first crush, don't we?

Josh let Andi know he wasn't a fan of the date. Not sure I followed his logic. He said relationships are built on trust... and if the other person doesn't know you're lying and trusts you, that should be good enough? He told her he was glad she ripped up the results, leading Andi – and millions of others – to wonder if there is something Josh is hiding.

You could see her turn into Andi the Ice Queen as the "huge cloud of doubt" descended over her. We've seen that face before. She then started her patented move of questioning everyone and everything when one individual disappoints her.

When Farmer Chris tells her that he hasn't been fully honest with her, Andi's face lights up. She smiles because she senses what's coming. Sure enough, it's the admission that he was the secret admirer. She liked that Chris always offers "that little dash of hope." He grabbed her and they very awkwardly kissed.

It was enough to seal the rose deal with Farmer Chris. He's likable enough that the others all congratulated him. Except, that is, JJ and his newfound cockiness. He said it's difficult for him to celebrate others' successes, so therefore, I guess, others shouldn't do it. That's an attitude Andi could appreciate – inflict your own morals and ideals on those around you.

In Verona, Italy, an emotionally drained Andi went on a one-on-one date with Cody, who owns a pair of the best eyes she has ever seen. "They're green and they pop," she said. Pop? Like Marty Feldman?

Their relationship, she felt, was the farthest behind. Cody was excited about his opportunity but I sensed it would come to no good end for the guy. It started out great, though.

Since it was the "birthplace" of Romeo & Juliet, the pair played out the theme. But let's get our facts straight. The British William Shakespeare is not known to have ever travelled outside of England. Verona is the setting for the play he wrote. It's not like the star-crossed lovers were real people from Verona. I'm a stickler for details.

They found themselves at some sort of Juliet society which receives tons of letters from all over the world. Go figure. Real people write to a fictional 500-year-old character for advice. All letter get answered. I'm not sure who the real people expect to answer them, but my guess is it's not just random Americans visiting the city. But that's what Andi and Cody did.

Cody penned a response to a guy, saying, "I can totally relate. I'm the exact same way with the girl of my dreams." Did he sign it "Juliet"? I don't get it. Anyway, Andi was not only amazed at the depth the muscle-bound Cody showed but, I'm sure, that he could string together words to form sentences.

At dinner, Cody wore a sports jacket with a v-neck sweater showing off his ample cleavage. He pulled out of his jacket pocket a letter, inspired by the afternoon's activity, to Juliet he wrote. "Today is our first date and she has not let me down," he read. Ooh, sorry to break it to you, big fella but...

He kept reading. And then didn't take a breath before going on and on about... well, it was just too fast and furious for me to jot down. But it was an impassioned speech. He didn't notice how progressively depressed Andi was looking. "The longer you keep me around, you're in trouble because you're gonna like me more and more," he said before she cut him off.

She gave him the old "just friends" talk. She said, "There was a reason I took you on this one-on-one date." Yes, and that was to send him home. It was a "tough pill to swallow" for Cody. Andi stood by the car with her camel toe and watched Cody get driven off.

Now there were seven. They arrived to the cocktail party at an incredible mansion in a line of Bentleys. As Andi enters, Nick grabs her before any standard hugs are issued to anyone. "Jackass move," was the consensus opinion from the others because Nick already had a rose. Andi was aware of all this. And she reported that they barely made it around the corner before he kissed her. Jackass move, right? No, ma'am. "That is a man right there!" enthused Andi.

The invisible Dylan was goaded into interrupting them since he's had precious little time with her. But his invisible status remains. We saw him break up the shenanigans, but the cameras followed Nick back into the main room where he said he's not thinking about fairness; just his relationship with Andi. Marcuszzz excused himself to get a drink because "it is what it is." How Zen.

Also at the cocktail party, Marcuszzz reiterated his love for Andi, JJ kissed her, and Coach Brian read her a "hate" poem (and I hated it).

Josh looked like he didn't do himself any favours when he started fast-talking about the lie detector test again, getting worked up. "I want you to 100 percent trust me," he said, "without finding out the real truth of anything." Okay, he didn't say that last part, but he may as well have.

Chris Harrison liked that Andi ripped up the test results. "It was the right thing to do," he said. I still don't get it.

One of the remaining seven would be going home. I thought for sure it would be the invisible Dylan. Farmer Chris and Slick Nick already had roses. The others went in order to:

  1. Dylan (!) What do I know?!
  2. Coach Brian
  3. Marcuszzz
  4. Jock Josh
That left the Pantsapreneur out in the cold. So long, JJ. He looked defeated while she was deliberating between the final two so maybe there was some stuff that was edited out because there was nothing leading up to this. My guess is it was the pants. She couldn't take someone like that to one of her fancy lawyer functions. JJ told us "it hurts for your heart to be wrong." He also said (I think) he'd never fallen in love before.

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