Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Bachelorette JoJo: The Meat Head and the B Team

Welcome to Week 2, or, as I like to call it, Who's That Again? It's damn near impossible to identify these guys save for the few outliers who stood out in the premiere episode due to some physical or emotional abnormality. There are too many faces and I can't place them with all the gimmicks and introductions from last week. I remember Bad Chad because the editors and producers want us to remember him. It's easy to remember the villain. And I remember guys that stand zero chance of getting very far. Guys like the Hipster or the Erectile Dysfunction Man or the Bachelor Superfan or Ali's Eyebrows. Other than that, it's a crapshoot.

From the comments here last week, Chicken Legs was mentioned. Right, yes, now I remember. He's the ex-QB. Also mentioned were Derek and Luke. No clue as to who they are (or were). But having watched Week 2, I know them a bit more. I couldn't place them if they walked into my living room right now, but the names ring a bell.

Did I mention this is the worst group in franchise history? From top to bottom. Who is there to cheer for? Anyone half-decent looks like Prince Charming in comparison to all the bad choices. Are Luke and Derek all that good or just good relative to the rest? Let's find out.

The episode started out on fire. Literally. The guys heard an explosion outside so they sauntered out the front door to see a limousine blowing up and on fire. They masked their horror by smiling as they stood there. Luckily a fire truck was right around the corner. Out jumped JoJo to save the day. What a coincidence!

She then took a group date out on the fire truck. Not sure that followed standard operating procedures but whatever. Bad Chad, who wasn't in the group date, called these guys the "B Team." Oh yeah, he's still bad, that Chad. The group went off to that popular dating destination, the fire academy.

There are 10 guys on this date. My problem with it is that one of them is a professional firefighter. I mean, when he's not working as a professional model. How can you have a fair contest involving fireman stuff when only one of the contestants has any real training in it? Grant does this for a living. I hate to give it away, but spoiler alert: Grant also wins the firefighting challenge. During said challenge, Wells, the spindly deejay, was visibly pale and needed to be attended to. Someone said the safety clothes they had to wear probably weighed more than Wells. The rules were that the top 3 guys would go against each other. But the fire marshall decided to let little Wells in the top 3, which was just the tip of the sympathy iceberg he'd get.

Of course he finished 3rd. There was no way he was going to put out a fire, axe through a floor and wall, and climb to the top of the tower to rescue JoJo before the other two. (Luke, the war vet, was second.) But in his defense, he did exhibit a good sense of self-deprecating humour, so he went up in my estimation. It also helped that he wasn't followed around by a choir again.

But I say if you're going to do a fireman challenge (and it's a perfectly good activity), make sure the actual fireman is not in the group. They should do a deejay mix challenge next and let's see how Grant does. My money would be on Wells.

The line of the event went to the second-most douchey guy in the house: Daniel, the male model from Vancouver, who said the last time he pulled a hose like that was back in his apartment. You see, because he masturbates a lot.

At the post-activity soiree, JoJo tells Grant (the fireman!) that he "completely surprised" her. What am I missing? The fireman wins the fireman challenge. Does JoJo understand the meaning of "surprised"?

But she understands the meaning of kiss. She kissed a lot this week. And with passion (i.e. tongue). She and Grant started things off this week. Then she got very familiar with Luke out on the balcony. It's like she was an armless blind person reading an urgent message written in Braille on Luke's tongue with her own tongue.

Wells goes another route. He shows her Polaroids of his blood hound. Presumably he means his dog and not a euphemism for his penis. Can't remember if they swap saliva or not. But it was enough for him to get the group date rose, aka sympathy rose. Weaklings of the world unite!

While the 10 dudes were out fighting fires, Bad Chad was back at the mansion filling up his suitcase with empty containers. He then affixed said suitcase to a chain around his waist and did pull-ups off the side of the house. That's so honest! (We kept hearing about how honest he is and now that's all I can think about.) The other fellas, under the leadership of Not James Taylor, composed and sang a song about their beloved JoJo. Bad Chad would have none of it, though. He doesn't play well with others.

The next date was a one-on-one. Derek was the lucky recipient. Which one was he? Oh right, the bank teller. Seems like a decent enough chap (in comparison) but kind of a nothing. Almost meek. Or scared. Again, maybe that's an unfair comparison, too, because just about anyone seems meek and scared next to Bad Chad. Except for Little Alex. But he's got short man's complex and that compensates for a lot.

Derek and JoJo had many decisions to make on their date. The first was sea or sky. They chose sky. That led them to an airport. Did they want to go north or south? They chose north. A private jet whisked them off to the northern climes of San Francisco. Hope they brought their parka! Then they had to choose between the Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard St. I've never heard of Lombard St. Is it famous? I'll never know because they chose the bridge which led them to... sitting by the sea. I feel like this event was like that origami finger choosing game that Will did last week where no matter what she chose, the result was kiss. They were going to the sea come hell or high water.

And they kissed. Not quite like Luke's kiss, but not like Will's awkward peck, either. He gets a rose, too. Can't see him in the top 2 at the end and what's worse for him is I can't see him on Bachelor in Paradise. He's in no-man's land.

Back at the house, Bad Chad and Douchey Daniel are digging each other. It's a bromance in full bloom.

The next date is a 6-man group effort. They go to the studios of ESPN and onto a show called Sports Nation, which they amend to Bachelor Nation for a little friendly competition. Well, it's friendly for everyone except... you guessed it... Bad Chad, who just does not like to play along. Each stage of the competition was dumber than the next. It started with a end-zone celebration with a rose, moved on to something I can't even describe, and finally on to an interview. I know Chad called JoJo "naggy" in the second stage. In the interview portion, he called everyone out on their declarations of undying love for someone they barely know, if at all. The hosts and JoJo dug his "honesty" (i.e. intense grumpiness and unwillingness to have fun with a goofy challenge).

When the hosts gave out their top three Power Rankings, Bad Chad was right in the middle. Coming in third was Little Alex, who the hosts thought was very likeable, not rehearsed, and handsome. The top ranked was Not James Taylor, the country crooner. No idea why.

At the post-challenge party, Not James Taylor talks to her off a printed card. So natural. It was like he was reading her his personal manifesto. They kiss but it's nothing special. He should have written out better kissing instructions on his card.

I wasn't crazy about JoJo's lipstick choice. Too red. And lots of it. Maybe she didn't want to get it all over Not James Taylor's face.

When Bad Chad gets time alone with JoJo, he tells her about the puppy his mom gave him before she died six months ago. Usually this is where the person gets teary and talks lovingly about his deceased parent and about how hard it is without them. But Bad Chad being Bad Chad gave the equivalent of, "Hey, it is what it is. Life goes on." I'm not necessarily against that, but the optics aren't good. Still, though, JoJo saw it as his sensitive side. Lesson: Be such a boor all the time that slightly less boorish behaviour comes across as sensitive. She takes him to a wishing well where they make a wish then kiss. And kiss hard. She says her wish came true. Gross.

But when it comes to handing out a rose, it goes to Not James Taylor because he made JoJo feel "special." Their conversation, she says, touched her heart. Must have been edited out.

At the cocktail party, Bad Chad is aloof, sitting outside on his own maybe with the intention of waiting for JoJo to arrive, maybe not. But she does and they enter the house together. That's a power play move, my friends. He spends the rest of the evening consuming meat. Bad Chad or Meat Head? These are the decisions I have to make. It's not easy being the Bachelor Blogger.

In between chomping on meat, he interrupts two (count 'em!) guys when they're with JoJo. Another power play move. And he threatens Little Alex. But Little Alex looks like he can handle himself. He's an ex-marine. Plus he has a low centre of gravity.

With roses already given to DJ Wells, Derek the Teller, and Not James Taylor, there are 14 more to hand out. They go in order to:
  1. Little Alex
  2. Christian (Bad Chad's commentary could have been my own: "I don't even know who Christian is.")
  3. Robby. No clue. He was wearing a bow tie, though. (Ah, just checked last week's blog. He's the former competitive swimmer.)
  4. War Vet Luke
  5. Chase. That's all I got.
  6. Chicken Legs Jordan
  7. Fireman Grant
  8. Ali and his Eyebrows
  9. Douchey Daniel
  10. James F, the boxing club owner, former chiropractor, wannabe actor
  11. Nick... Nick? Oh my God, Saint Nick! Completely forgot about him without the costume.
  12. Vinny the Barber
  13. Erectile Evan
  14. And even though it's the last pick, there was absolutely no drama here because the producers always make sure to keep the villains around: Bad Chad
So long Hipster, Bachelor Superfan, and Will; we hardly knew ya!

Next week: Ugh. Two nights of this nonsense. Looks like another testosterone fest!