Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Men Tell All

Hey guys. I had company over on Monday night and I sure as hell wasn't going to cop to the fact I watch The Bachelorette. It's our dirty little secret. Let's keep it just between us. So I'm just getting to it today.

Was it a good episode? Let me find out right now. Hand me the remote, will ya?

I didn't realize there was a "national controversy surrounding" Kaitlyn. Chris Harrison just euphemistically offered the argument that by "exploring each relationship to the fullest," she's actually the most serious Bachelorette of all time. Or, conversely, it could be argued that she's the least serious, the one who wants to have a good time more than anything. The truth is most likely somewhere in the middle.

But I don't think it's a sexist double standard if people are criticizing her for sleeping around. Has there been a Bachelor who's done that? I can't remember (I can't remember from week to week what happens), but I'm sure he would be lambasted, too. He'd be called a sleazeball or a sex pig or something along those lines, I'm sure. I'm not saying either way is deserved, just to be clear.

Oh, here we go. Bachelor in Paradise is upon us, with a whole new cast of rejects you've hated from past seasons. This show should be called Douchebags in Paradise. And it'll be on twice a week because what else is there to do in the summer but sit in front of your TV?

The first victim is Run Ian Run, who is painted as a loner who sat in his room reading. Tissue Tanner tells him Princeton needs to teach a class in how not to be an asshole. Boom! Roasted! Corey gets booed when he suggests Ian was spot-on with his assessment of Kaitlyn; it was just his delivery that needed work. Aitch gets cheered when he pointedly asks Corey how many weeks he was there, implying he didn't get to know Kaitlyn well enough to reach any conclusion on her surface-levelness. While Corey explains himself – saying her decisions were in bad taste and disgraceful – Ian has been sitting silently. He raises his hand to speak, just like they taught him in Princeton.

He gets up, takes his jacket off, then walks to the stage and gets down on one knee. Harrison asks, "What are you doing?" Ian ignores him and continues with his rehearsed speech. He regrets the way he left and what he said. He says he's sorry. The things he said were not representative of who he is. He apologizes to America, too. Come on, what about Canada? Kaitlyn's Canadian! Screw you, Ian!

Several of the guys get up and hug him. Ian offers the apology as an example of his humility. But I see it as a big slap in the face to Canada!

Next up is Clint, that lightning rod for controversy. Corey is doing more talking tonight than he did in all his time on the show. Clint insists he's straight. JJ rushes to defend his good friend. He says the "villain" thing was all tongue in cheek. They'd talk for four or five hours together because they were "intellectually curious about each other." Their relationship wasn't surface level – "there was a lot of meat to that for me." The audience is in stitches.

Jonathan doesn't care about their friendship. He changes the subject to Nick. Hey, let's stick with Clint and JJ! Why is this also-ran dictating the topics? Jonathan's in the minority on the topic of whether Kaitlyn should have added Nick to the group. Everyone else thinks it was her prerogative. It's not a game show, as one of them said, it's her life. Harrison asks if Jonathan blames Nick or Kaitlyn. How about the producers? They're always fun to blame.

Hot seat time! First up is the loathsome JJ. As he sits up there trying to explain himself, the guys sit there suppressing laughter. Corey speaks up again. I don't remember this guy at all. He should let the famous guys speak. JJ is now blaming his sense of humour for any offence taken. He ribs people and wants to be ribbed back, but nobody got him. He regrets not being more sensitive. I regret him being on the show.

Next in the hot seat is Zed, the "mountain of a man." He's popular with the ladies judging from the hooting and hollering. Such sexists. I have no idea what he said because I couldn't stop staring at that thing under his nose. What was that? A mini-Hitler moustache? An insect crawling out of his nose? It was an otherwise dull segment so I'm sure I didn't miss anything.

Patchy is next looking a whole lot less patchy. Jared's shaved the parts of his face where hair doesn't thrive. Always a good move. He's still hopelessly in love with Kaitlyn by the sounds of it. But he is on the new season of Douchebags in Paradise so I'm sure he's not hurting that bad. As he says, he's moving on. Actually, Chris Harrison seems more concerned than Jared. And he tells him he's glad Jared got rid of the "spotty beard." And here I thought I had something to do with it. I thought my huge Twitter presence (39 followers strong!) brought him to his senses.

Now the sexist female crowd is going bonkers for the unlovable Aitch. (Maybe Clint is, too.) As Harrison says, it's like a construction site in reverse. He talked about the time Kaitlyn snuck into his and Shawn's room and hopped into Shawn's bed. Not as juicy as it sounds, though. The three of them just talked for hours and hours and she eventually told Shawn he was "the one" when Aitch was in the shower. And that was the beginning of the end. For Aitch and, come to think of it, pretty much everyone else.

Here's Kaitlyn now to explain herself. First they talk about the internet backlash she's received. It used to be the tabloids; now it's the internet. She says she got death threats. Harrison reads some tweets. Lots of words like "whore," "slut," "bitch" and "pathetic." I think Chris just liked reading those words. Not sure that was necessary, but maybe it was. She gets a standing ovation. At least I think it was for her, and not the tweets.

Internet comments (this space excepted) are often terrible. People feel safe being hateful dickwads sitting behind their computers. We've all read them. But I can only imagine how rotten and scary it feels to be the subject of those comments.

The Nick stuff was good because she was called on the carpet about her decision. All she could offer in rebuttal was that it was a hard decision and you try dating so many people at once on TV and not make any mistakes. Can't argue with that. It's a catch-all explanation.

Ryan the drunk finally gets to talk. Kaitlyn asks if he's "horned up." He says he is. He gets up and Donahue's it. He grabs a rose and gives it to her. All's good. Time for a drink.

She asks Clint why he didn't treat her the way he treated JJ. She makes a few gay jokes and Clint stares icily. He's having none of it.

Run Ian Run gets up again. Not a narcissist at all. He gets on his knees again and gives Kaitlyn a card. He gets a cramp so has to stand up. Man, he's really going all-out to prove he's Bachelor-worthy, isn't he? She hugs him but he's still got no chance. I hope they string him along, though.

Blooper time again. These are always fantastic... ly lame. And they don't disappoint this time, too, in their lameness. They're better than usual, though, I'll give them that.

And that's that. We didn't hear from the Healer at all. That was a bit of a disappointment. But I'll get over it.

One more week before the big reveal. Will it be Nick? Will it be Shawn? Who will she choose? Who should she choose? I don't have a clue. Or a rooting interest.