Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Bachelorette Canada: Villain-free

It seems my routine is set. I don't know what I do Tuesday nights but I know I end up watching Bachelorette Canada the following Monday. And I enjoy it! Don't know why I can't bring myself to watch it in real time. I've got a few episodes left to try to rectify this. In the meantime, here's a recap on last Tuesday's episode.

The reduced gang is still in Morocco. That's pretty cool, I gotta say. And it's all quiet on the eastern front as Cocky Drew is on a plane back to his bros and in Toronto. The remaining five all get along swimmingly. People say we need a villain in these types of shows but I disagree strongly and offer up this episode as evidence. Some might say it's boring with everyone getting along. I say it's civil. There's enough inherent drama in people trying to find a connection without the added distraction of a villain.

Last episode, Captain Canada showed his jealous side and he and Jasmine had a little tiff. It weighed heavily on the gloomy gus and he hasn't been sleeping well. But he visibly brightens up for the first time ever when he's selected for the first one-on-one date. It's like night and day. This guy wears his emotions on his already tattooed sleeve.

The added twist this week is that there will be no roses handed out on any of the dates. Jasmine really wants to get to know the guys and give them a fair chance without worrying about who to rose because next week are the hometown visits.

Jasmine and Captain Canada get out of the big city and experience true Berber culture. Are you familiar with the Berbers? Are you a Be-lerber? No, it's not a community of former baby actors. That's Gerber. Here's what my computing machine says:
Any of the descendants of the pre-Arab inhabitants of North Africa. The Berbers live in scattered communities across Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, Egypt, Mali, Niger, and Mauretania.
They meet a Berber couple at their pad. The couple doesn't speak English. The nerve of them! Captain Canada is rocking a traditional Berber outfit and looks great. Inside the house (!), they milk a cow. The goats stay out of the way on the other side of the room. Jasmine had a cow growing up (!) and milked it a couple times, but she was rusty. Captain Canada also had some experience milking a cow but was a little rough on the teats, making the cow jump. Take note, Jasmine.

Then they bake bread in the adobe house. (I have no idea if it's adobe. They should have told us. Now I'm at risk of my ignorance becoming public. But my computing machine says this about adobe:
An adobe brick is a composite material made of earth mixed with water and an organic material such as straw or dung. The soil composition typically contains sand, silt and clay.
So I stand by my description.

Next they bake some bread. Again, they should have told us exactly what type of bread it was. Looked like a thick roti or naan. They kneaded the dough then put it over a fire. Presto! Bread!

Out on a roof sipping wine, Jasmine notes that Captain Canada is so different when he's outside the group. The lesson here, Jasmine, is that he needs to get his own way or he'll pout. He tells her something about her just makes her smile (when there are no other guys around, presumably) and that if he saw her out in the real world in a grocery store and didn't say hi to her, he'd regret it. Lesson here, Jasmine, is that he's a player.

Jasmine asks him if he's ready for this. She recalls him saying he's been on about 100 first dates. He tells her he's not a player, right after I wrote that he was! That must mean something. After telling him he always says the "right thing," she says she wants a person who supports and encourages her and she wants to do the same thing for that person. Proving he always says the right thing, he answers immediately, "Whatever you said!" Okay, he didn't say exactly that but he may as well have. He said, "That's exactly what I want."

Around him, she feels comfortable and wanted and desired and safe and closer to him now because they got through their first fight. First of many, probably. She told him he was strong both physically and emotionally. Does she not recall the hissy fit when he didn't get the rose?

We got another example of how well the guys get along when the next date was a one-on-one, too, and it went to the other Kevin, aka Rob Schneider. Everyone was happy for him. That should be the template for all future Canadian editions. We get along. No villains!

Schneider and Jasmine greet each other with a hug. Remember, they've only kissed once before. They go rock climbing. He's wearing the shortest long shorts I've ever seen. He likes doing stuff like this and seeing Jasmine do it with gusto makes him like her even more. She's knocking down his walls. And sure enough, when they get to the top, they kiss like there's no tomorrow. And there isn't for Schneider.

Afterwards they sit on a rock drinking wine. He has to tell her about his family and how it affects his closed nature. He says the hometown date freaks him out a bit. Turns out he's "bounced around" since he was five years old. And his mom went through "a lot of... serious... battles." It sounded like that sentence was cobbled together in editing. When she said her dad also had addiction issues, we can surmise that was the battle his mom faced, but who knows? He hasn't fully healed. Also hasn't seen her in about 15 years, although they talk occasionally. So he's learned to put up walls.

Jasmine relates. And then Schneider goes back and forth between sounding like he wants to continue, and practically demanding that she let him go. He tells her, "There's some great guys here and I don't doubt for a second that those guys couldn't be really good to you. So could I." She cries. Seems she's really digging him.

Then she pulls the rug out from us all. She says if she continued with him, she'd probably end up in a relationship that isn't sustainable. She needs someone who isn't so similar to her.

He tells her he's not looking for a comfortable life; he's looking for a passionate life. He asks if this "is a fork in the road or the end of the road?" She hems and haws. Back from commercials, she says it feels like the end of the road. And he looks as relieved as Captain Canada was at getting the one-on-one date card. There's not a second of sadness. He immediately says, 'This has been amazing." This worked out as well as it could have for him. He got to travel the world and not be stuck in a long-term and/or phony relationship. Win-win.

The group date is with the remaining three: Nipple Ring, 8-Pack, and Ben Wha-? They arrive in the Marrakesh market but Jasmine is nowhere to be seen. The Hunchback Noah arrives to tell them the fun part of the date is off. But they'll still get to hang with Jasmine for some deep conversations by a swimming pool.

She's waiting for them in a hot red bikini, the best kind of attire for serious conversation, I find. Ben Wha-? takes her away first. He hasn't taken a woman to his parents' house in seven years. He's got a bunch of questions for her so keeps his tongue inside his own mouth. She felt a serious vibe from him for the first time. But he doesn't get far because 8-Pack interrupted.

She's still not sure about living in Winnipeg, though. That's her built-in excuse for 8-Pack. But she also pulls off a Backwards Schneider defence, wherein she tells the button-down 8-Pack that she likes to fly by the seat of her pants and he's more of a homebody type. Remember with Schneider, she wanted a homebody and not someone who flies by the seat of his pants.

When Nipple Ring sits with her, she takes off the shawl that was covering up the hot red bikini. That might mean something.

She gives some more time to Ben Wha-?, who's wondering what type of guy she wants. She tells him she's not interested in a type. It's more about connection and compatibility and the future she sees. And it doesn't hurt if they have abs aplenty.

When they all convene back at the pool, Nipple Ring hugs her and gets a boner.

No cocktail party. Ben Wha-? wears suspenders so his fate is sealed. He's got no chance to redeem himself. Then again, Nipple Ring and Captain Canada are both wearing capri pants, so all bets are off.

Noah is bad-ass with his instructions to the guys before the ceremony, telling them that whoever doesn't get a rose, "say your goodbyes and leave immediately." Harsh.

There are three roses for the remaining four. They go in order to:
  1. Nipple Ring
  2. Captain Canada
  3. 8-Pack
So we bid au revoir to Ben Wha-? He tells her she's in good hands. "Those three guys are beauties," he says. He hugs her and tells her she's such a "nice person." It was so simple yet oddly maybe the most touching thing anyone has ever said in a breakup on this show.

The After Show featured Schneider, who didn't look much like Rob Schneider at all. We saw highlights of him playing his uke in all sorts of locations. It would have been nice to see some of this on the actual show.

Schneider's pick is Nipple Ring "all the way." I concur.

Next week is hometowns. The highlights make it look tense with Nipple Ring's dad and Captain Canada's mom. But we've been fooled by highlights before.

Next week? No, tonight! Maybe I'll watch.

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