Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Bachelorette Canada: Good for business

Hi all. Did you enjoy last week's episode? Bachelorette Canada is growing on me, I gotta admit. I don't have a sense that it'll produce a lasting relationship, but whatevs.

The cast and crew were in Morocco. Very exotic. I don't believe we've ever seen that kind of location in the American version. I'd like to, though.

Jasmine started the episode off walking around Marrakesh in sexy, short white shorts. Even though they were in Morocco, there was no camel toe. I thought maybe her shorts would be problematic in a largely Muslim country, but later on she and Ben Wha–? were treated to a local belly dancer who put that concern to bed. I guess it's a fairly liberal country.

There are seven dudes left so we're getting down to the wire. Not sure when the big ending is but it's gotta be any week now.

Noah (the host) entered and it didn't help that he was sporting new facial hair. We already don't recognize him. Why the need to go even more incognito than he already is?

The first date is a one-on-one with Ben Wha–? Exactly: Wha–? She seems to really like him. But not in any serious sexual relationship way. Just amused by his goofy antics. Like a BFF. She just loves hanging out with him. He makes her laugh, for some unexplainable reason. "He's just such a little French firecracker," she said. But he may not be aware of his status. As he said, "Tings are getting real right now."

She wants to go deeper with Ben Wha–? Enough with the jokes and probing tongue. So he offered some platitudes on wanting a family and that seemed to do the trick. She likes how "honest and real" he is. She gave him the rose and said she could see a future with him. Presumably that involves lots of shopping and going for coffee.

The next date was the dreaded two-on-one with one person at least guaranteed to go home. She chose two relatively nice, sweet fellas: 8-Pack Mike and Sexual Tongue Thomas. The homebody versus the nomad. The body versus the face, said Captain Canada.

They ride camels into the desolate desert. None of them wore a hat. That doesn't seem sensible.

In all that expanse, when she took Thomas aside, they couldn't find a private place. They sat in full view of Mike as they discussed their relationship. Mike admitted his life is "very unstructured." She told him it was a "difficult place to start a relationship."

Then she sat with Mike, in full view of Thomas. Mike told her about his greatest regret. When he was eight, his mother was sick in the hospital. He was invited to a birthday party and decided not to visit his mom that day. And she passed away that night. He vowed never to be that selfish again.

Rose time. She walked back to Thomas and told him she thought he was an amazing person. That's never a good sign. She admires so much about him, she sniffled. She wants his lifestyle eventually but, again, it would be hard to begin a relationship that way, she said. But haven't they already begun their relationship?

He took the hint, hugged her and said he wished her happiness and loved every minute of his experience. He dodged a bullet. He was in serious jeopardy of settling down.

She went over to Mike and told him she could see a future with him. She said he's more regimented than her but that's not a bad thing. Sometimes couples need a balance, she said. So she gave him the rose. She admitted she still has concerns about him but she's looking at long-term potential rather than just feelings of the moment. That's a Bachelor/ette first!

Cocky Drew knew Mike would be chosen because he feels Mike is more similar to himself. And this was just the beginning of his public unravelling. I have to quote the whole passage of what he said because it's just so ridiculously juicy:
"I'm still a businessman, you know what I mean? It's still respectful to be a prick? The more interesting of a man that I am, the better my career. If I do this show, I don't even have to sell anything. Like, after this, I literally just walk into a room at a conference cocktail party – like I do anyways; I'm a good-looking guy, I do it anyways. I walk in and like, 'Who's that guy?' You know, I just walk around and work the room. With this, I just walk in a room and people will be like, 'There's that guy!' and they'll talk about it, right? Like, they know my name and who I am as opposed to 'Let's find out who that guy is over there.' So it's good for me. It's good for my business."
And that, my friends, is the textbook definition of "not there for the right reasons." He wasn't finished, though. He also said:
"I'd love to do some mid- to low-level acting. Seriously. I seriously would. I think it would be awesome."
I love how he doesn't set his sights too high! Just mid- to low-level.

And this:
"You need to be a bit of a confident prick. As long as I don't look like a complete ass on TV."
Ooh, too late, buddy!

The group date is Cocky Drew, Captain Canada (Kevin W), Nipple Ring (Mikhel), and Rob Schneider (Kevin P). They went on a stroll through the market when it started to pour. Good thing they all wore their flood pants.

They visit a Moroccan tea house where they learn to make mint tea. The key: tons of sugar and try to pour it from a stepladder.

Captain Canada takes every opportunity to say how much he detests group dates. Poor bunny. He feels like Jasmine is his girlfriend.

She has a real (or seemingly so) connection with Nipple Ring, who continues to be nervous around her but is very sweet and genuine (or seemingly so). He told her she's one of the most genuinely beautiful people and that melted her.

She talked with Schneider about his guardedness, but she doesn't take it as a negative. She's wise. She knows he just takes his time getting to know people before getting physical.

Her conversation with Cocky Drew didn't go as well. He was on auto-pilot, just talking about himself. She called him on it and asked what he wanted to know about her. That stumped him.

Captain Canada was brooding and intense. He said he was homesick and missing real life. She was the only reason he was still there.

The rose goes to Nipple Ring, much to the consternation of the jealous Captain Canada. He considered it a "slap in the face." Cocky Drew thought it was a "participation rose" for being "most improved."

At the cocktail party, Jasmine has a healthy portion of white wine. She needed it with Drew going on and on about his life story. She felt like he was just acting. Low-level, though.

Jasmine and Rob Schneider finally kissed and it was a good one. He might be the sleeper in this contest. Cocky Drew and Captain Canada both witness the kiss so Captain Canada goes to move in. She called him "grouchy." He told her he wanted the rose. It got quite testy. She said, "How about you let me talk for one second? You can't just expect that I'm going to give you the rose and then have a hissy fit about it if I don't. If I connect with someone – and I feel like I have – then that's up to me." He responded that he's "so fucking embarrassed" and "jealous."

She makes a great point that I've never heard on any incarnation of this show: "You're not there during my conversations with other people and you may think you've opened up to me a bunch but other people have opened up a lot to me, too." And then just to twist the dagger, she added, "And some a lot more than you."

He got up and left, saying, "I'm done." I feel there must have been some more drama that was left on the editing room floor. The next thing we see is him saying he wants a rose at the rose ceremony.

Noah arrives shaved this time. It's rose time. Ben Wha–?, 8-Pack, and Nipple Ring are safe. Two more roses are handed out to:
  1. Rob Schneider
  2. Captain Canada
So Cocky Drew goes home. That's good for one more raised eyebrow and snicker. He tells a producer, "Is this a fucking joke? You're telling me this girl picked half of these guys over me? You walk me into the classiest joint in Toronto with any of these guys, who do you think gets the girl? It's bullshit. Mark my words, your ratings after this episode... done!" And on his way out muttered, "This girl's a fucking idiot."

To top it all off, the director asked him if he wanted to be the next Bachelor. His answer: "Yes." Too funny.

Next week is more Morocco.

The After Show featured Thomas along with Trista and Ryan. Ryan started out surly, making fun of Canadian accents and admitting he doesn't watch the show, but slowly warmed up. Maybe Trista or a producer reminded him that they paid his family's way to the city for a little vacay.

And Thomas was a delight. Will we get Cocky Drew this week? Hope so.

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