Monday, August 24, 2015

Douchebags in Paradise

Hey all. As you know, I haven't been blogging this ridiculous and make-it-up-as-they-go-along show. I didn't see the first one. Saw half the second episode. Then I started watching. But I missed last Sunday and Monday. Caught up last night. And since I'm home sitting in front of the TV twenty minutes before airtime on the west coast, I thought I'd try live-tweeting this episode. We'll see how that goes. No blog, though. Follow me @BachelorBlogger. See you in 17 minutes.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Shawn versus the other guy

Hey! I'm on holidays and I'm still here for you. How's that for commitment?! I tore myself away from the beach to watch this. The problem is the hotel doesn't have pause or rewind on the remote so I've got to type fast. What's missed is missed.

We're down to the final two. And we're told that we won't believe the ending! Betcha I can. It's Nick or Shawn, Shawn or Nick. Who you got in the office pool?

Kaitlyn tells her family they have to forget what they know about Nick and only judge him based on what they see of him face to face. Not sure that's going to help him much. Her mom says she can't do that. Good for mom! Hold that grudge!

Nick's not nervous about meeting them. Until Kaitlyn tells him she told them about their sexual liaison in Dublin. Now he's nervous. First question from mom: "Why are you here, Nick?" Straight and to the point. Not sure what his answer was (or even what it could have been). Sis says she doesn't picture Kaitlyn with a guy like Nick.

Over drinks, mom asks Nick to tell them about his last relationship. That'd be Andi. He doesn't answer. I'd rather want to know why that was his last relationship? How do these good-looking people get weeks and weeks of prime time network coverage and still can't find a partner? He's just not trying very hard. Or he's having lots of fun.

Then mom takes him aside. Her opinion of him isn't all that flattering based on what she saw on Andi's season. Kaitlyn tells us if her mom doesn't approve of a guy, she can't be with him. But this is all much ado about nothing. She'll approve. They always do. But first we have to wait for the commercials to end.

And we're back... Mom tells Nick he was possessive and jealous, in her opinion. At least that's what she saw on TV. And the TV never lies. He accepts the charge. He tells mom that Kaitlyn says sometimes it's hard for her to open up. Um... sometimes not so much. Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you don't. He tells her he's in love with her daughter. Mom tears up. They both do, actually. He's really laying it on thick. She eats it up. She says he's very good for her daughter. Now she calls him a teddy bear, a sweetheart. She admits she was totally wrong with her judgment of him. So that was easy.

Now it's her dad's turn. Nick says he very much loves his daughter. He says he'd like to spend the rest of his life with her. Just like what he said to Andi's parents. Someone should go through Nick's speeches to the parents in the two seasons and see how they compare. Anyway, Dad gets a very good feeling from Nick. They're pushovers, the two of them!

Outside Nick and Kaitlyn smooch against the vehicle before he drives off. His only insecurity is that he doesn't know what's happening with Shawn.

They're moving fast through these meetings. We're on Shawn already. He enters with a bouquet of flowers and thank-you gifts, all cocky like. Kaitlyn's sister now really likes Nick and can't imagine how anyone can compare. She's liked Nick for a year (apparently). I say "(apparently)" because just a moment ago sis said she couldn't picture Kaitlyn with a guy like Nick. So I either missed something without the benefit of rewind, or the editors screwed up.

Shawn's a real smoothy. The toast he gave was perfect. Mom sits down with him and asks about jealousy. How will he handle it in the outside world given Kaitlyn's big personality and how people are drawn to her, she wants to know. Presumably he won't have to worry about sleeping with other boyfriends in the real world so all should be good.

They're in Utah, aren't they? I thought that's what they showed off the top. Yet there are waves rushing the shore behind them. What body of water is that? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

The mom says it was awkward to bring up Kaitlyn's intimacy with Nick but Shawn handled it well. Did I miss that? Or was it the editors again? Is this a theme? I thought she just asked vaguely about jealousy. Maybe I need to be better at reading between the lines.

Now the sister says she's on Team Shawn. Those tides in the background are turning.

When Shawn is talking to the dad, he leaves to go get the mom. He's taking the bull by the horns, this guy. Mr. Monotone asks for their blessings if he asks Kaitlyn to marry him. The mom gives her support one thousand percent, even though that's technically impossible. The father concurs. Group hug!

Outside he tells Kaitlyn, "I love you so much," before they kiss. It's 8:37. Lots of drama to come, methinks. Who's leading? Shawn by a greasy hair. Or Nick. Not sure.

They each get one more date. Wait, it says they're in California. That explains the waves. When did they leave Utah?

First date is with Nick. They're on a boat. I really wish Nick comes in second again. I just like traditions.

Kaitlyn has good feelings towards Nick. She feels he fits into her life, and vice versa. Their chemistry is through the roof. It's the type of relationship Nick's always wanted. Nick brings out a side of Kaitlyn that nobody else does, she says. But she cares so much about both guys that she needs clarity "today." Meaning on Nick's date. Meaning he must be the underdog.

Nick's very calm. There's a huge difference in how feels this time compared to his time with Andi. Oh please, please, please let him lose again! He's so confident. I think Shawn would be disappointed, too, but I also think he kind of expects her to choose Nick, too.

Kaitlyn tells Nick she's happy he decided to "put his life on hold" to do this. Are you kidding? This is his life! He's incapable of having a relationship without cameras recording his every move.

Nick tells her he's got her a gift and it's in his bedroom. A cheap excuse to get her on his bed. It's an album or something. A photo of them forehead to forehead on their first one-on-one date. And opposite the photo is a cheesy poem he penned. That's a sure-fire winner. Women love awful poetry.

Kaitlyn feels hopeful and excited. She feels this is the guy for her. When she looks at him, she knows she's in love. It just feels right. It's been one of the best dates and she doesn't want it to end. So you know what that means! They lie back on the bed and kiss.

She says she woke up at 2:30 in the morning with her heart pounding out of her chest. Was she with Nick at the time? She didn't say. But she does say she needs all the clarity she can get from Shawn now. So who knows?

Shawn toasts Kaitlyn (his specialty) and she responds with a tame kiss and a motherly query as to whether or not he's wearing sunscreen. She cuddles into his shoulder but she doesn't seem all that thrilled to be with him. Or maybe she's just super comfortable. It's hard to read. She says she doesn't want to make him nervous, and she's not just being weird, but she thinks they're both just in their own heads. When she says he's being different, too, he says he's just reacting to her awkwardness. This is going great.

But tomorrow is the big day when she selects her Mr. Right. Shawn thinks she's having doubts about him. He wasn't nervous to start the date, but is now. But who knows how to read this weirdness? Not I, a seasoned Bachelor/ette veteran.

At night, he's got Kaitlyn's whiskey ready for her when she arrives. They talk about the earlier awkwardness but it doesn't get any less awkward. But at least she has whiskey to pound.

I'm fascinated with the part in Shawn's head. Or hair, to be more accurate. That is one wide and straight part. How does he get it like that? Pick-axe? I wonder what kind of product he uses in his hair, too? I picture him at the mirror like the Fonz.

They talk about what it might be like to watch the season. He envisions a time he'll call and say, "Hey, I can't believe you're making out with Joe." That was pretty funny. And pretty real.

He tells her he thinks it'll never not be fun with her. He wants to put her above everything else. She looks happy and comfortable. Maybe he really is "the one."

Oh, Shawn has a gift, too! What a coincidence! He gives her a jar of memories. Pictures, notes, golf balls... "it was the most thoughtful gift." Better than a cheesy poem any day of the week. The prop department really went all out on this one.

He's confident that tomorrow he'll get down on one knee and propose. Kaitlyn feels "so relieved" after this date. But at the same time it's overwhelming and terrifying. But it's hard. She knows she's got to hurt somebody. "Somebody's going to get blindsided," she says. Yes! That's why we watch! We don't care who you choose. We just like to see who you don't choose.

Or is that just me? Sorry.

But don't feel too bad. Whoever it is will find love on Douchebag in Paradise in some future summer, so don't worry about them. Or if it's Nick, maybe he'll find a third Bachelorette to hit up.

It's shirtless time. Shawn wakes up to the big day and pulls the blinds. He walks outside, still shirtless, with a cup of coffee on the balcony. He's confident. Keeps talking about getting down on one knee. He's reviewing his notes on what to say. But first the ring bearer knocks at the door to hock his wares. He's confident that after tonight he's not going to remember who Nick is. That's doubtful. I'm sure in their first fight, Shawn will throw the sleeping-with-Nick thing back in Kaitlyn's face.

Nick wears a shirt on his big morning. Have we ever seen him shirtless? He's not exactly ripped, is he? He reminisces about the time Andi sent him home before the ring bearer showed up but this time the jeweller really does show up. He talks about how he's prepared himself for the worst but can't see it going the other way.

Half hour left. Kaitlyn arrives and greets Chris Harrison. Shawn tells us he'd be heartbroken if he wasn't chosen. Nick knows that this might not end the way he hoped. Shawn's head is all over the place. Who will it be? I could see her choosing either one. But you know who I'm pulling for.

The waiting is finally over, says Chris Harrison in a studio far, far away. Let's get to it. Is there a line on whether the first person gets the rose or not? Or do they switch it up from season to season? Know what I mean? I'm wondering if we can tell by who the first person is whether that's the winner or loser.

The first guy out of the limo is Nick. He heaves a heavy sigh and says he just got really nervous. He walks up to Kaitlyn and one-arm hugs her. She doesn't look thrilled. He tells her she looks beautiful. I don't like how the guy has to be the one to talk considering one of them will have to be interrupted. She's the one doing the choosing so she's the one who should be doing the talking. He tells her how in love with her he is and what he means to her. His voice is quivering. He takes out a ring and she stops him. He says, "No? Alright," and puts it back in his pocket. Awkward!

She says she's sorry staring at her feet. "I know that we talked about that if I didn't feel this, I would let you know," she says. The only explanation she has is that her heart is with somebody else. That's probably not the thing to say given his relationship with Shawn. He says he's not trying to be short but there's nothing she can say that would make him any less confused. He's a little pissed. She tells him she doesn't take anything back and was feeling everything at the time. He says he believes it but he doesn't need to hear it. She says it was all those things to her, too, and he says it wasn't. She's crying. He says he doesn't want to say things that are hurtful but she doesn't feel what he feels and she doesn't love him. She just says sorry, as any good Canadian would, and offers to walk him out.

She says she's not trying to sugar-coat anything. He says he's gotta go. Walks proudly and defiantly to the limo. He stares at the ring he chose.

Kaitlyn says she needed to see that relationship out to the end and she's really going to miss Nick. Nick takes off the ring they got together and throws it to the floor of the car. He doesn't know what to think. He feels sick. He's in shock and feels a little foolish. More than anything, I think, he feels led on. He says he's the world's biggest joke.

Absolute stunned silence in the studio, says Harrison. Is this what we can't believe? So far, I can believe it.

But it's going to be a good After the Final Rose. We all remember Nick's memorable pouty turn the last time he was on. Only this time, it won't be such a revelation that he slept with the Bachelorette.

Now here comes Shawn. Only if he refuses Kaitlyn's rose or if she doesn't offer him one will I be the least bit surprised. So far, it's just business as usual.

Her look when he walks in is already giving things away. And she grabs him around the shoulders and kisses him. She's no poker player. He starts by telling her she looks gorgeous, then goes into his prepared speech. He sees his best friend, his partner in crime. I hope he means that metaphorically, not in a Bonnie and Clyde way.

Kaitlyn tells him Shawn lights him up and makes her laugh and most importantly lets her be herself. You know, by letting her sleep with other guys. Wait, that's a harmless jab! Kaitlyn would appreciate it. I don't want to be accused of cyber-bullying.

She tells him she is completely his and she'll always be faithful to him. We'll see about that. She also says she loves him with all of her heart like she's never loved anybody before. "You are the one and you always will be," she says. Until someone better comes along.

Here comes the knee drop. Take a knee, fella. He gets right to the point: Will you marry me? She said yes. Release the pigeons! (Oh, wouldn't that be glorious?!)

Do you believe that ending?! Yeah, me, too.

But now the fun begins. Maybe. It's After the Final Rose time.

They bring the engaged Shawn and Kaitlyn out right off the top. They look very happy but there's nothing to report here other than the fact Shawn looks very pale.

How's Nick doing? Here he is, eating humble pie again. He tells us he was shocked. Again. Chris Harrison asks what made him so confident. He talks about their pre-show relationship. Just texts, phone calls, video calls, and at some point things clicked. Harrison asks if they were on the phone for hours. Nick says they had great conversations, but doesn't say how long they'd talk for. He says when they finally had their intimate evening, it wasn't just some hook-up.

Harrison asks why Shawn hates him so much. He admits he acted immaturely and is coming off much better this time around than he did on his last After the Final Rose. Maybe vying to become the next Bachelor? Yeah, we all need more Nick.

Now Shawn comes out and joins Nick on the couch. Harrison really tries to get to the bottom of this hatred, for some reason. Shawn says he just can't fake liking someone if he doesn't. Something was just "off" with Nick. Something was said in the house, which he doesn't want to get into. Then don't mention it! Is this the thing about the Eskimo brothers? If so, that came long after the Nick hatred. But speaking of that, why isn't anyone asking Kaitlyn about it?

Harrison asks Shawn if there's jealousy. He says if watching the woman you love go off with other guys is jealousy, then yeah, he's jealous. Um, that's pretty much the definition of jealousy, isn't it? Nailed it. This reminds me of the great Jack Handy line:

“If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.”

Harrison asks them if they want to hug it out. What a ridiculous no-win question. They don't.

Shawn is young. It hits home when he says, "Nick verse Shawn, Nick verse Shawn." This is something little kids say that drives me crazy. It's 'versus', not 'verse'. And while we're on the subject, it's not 'versing' either. Stop it already!

Now Nick gets some answers from Kaitlyn. He barely hugs her. It's another one-handed effort. He says the toughest part to him were the times they said, 'I love you' to each other. He says he took it to heart. He wants to know what she was thinking when she said that. She says at the end of the day, the only explanation is that no love that she had was as strong as the love she had for Shawn.

Harrison harps on about the pre-existing relationship. He wants to know what the extent of the relationship was. I still don't know any more about it than I knew the very first episode he was introduced.

What I'd want to know is what she did with the ring she got with Nick, and what she thought of him throwing it on the floor of the limo. I should write questions for Harrison.

She says it was excruciating having to send away Nick. They look back at the break up. Harrison asks what Nick meant when he said she took things from him. He says she knew he wasn't the one when he was giving her the speech, so why did she let him continue? Those words weren't meant for her; they were meant for someone who shared his feelings. Valid point. He resents her putting him through the speech and taking out the ring when she knew. So it was that moment he won't have back.

But Nick wishes Kaitlyn the best. And that's it for him. Until the next time he shows up on the show or one of its offshoots.

The last segment sees Kaitlyn and Shawn again. What's next for them? Apparently Starbucks and Tim Horton's, if you believe Kaitlyn. For Shawn, it's waking up tomorrow and defending his girl against cyber-bullies. Kaitlyn melts in his arms.

Did she make the right choice? I think so. Will it last? On a Bachelor/ette scale of 1 to 10, where 1 equals almost every couple in the franchise history and 10 equals the three couples I can think of who've lasted, I'd put this one at a solid 5. Doesn't sound solid, but usually I give these couples three months max. I can see this one lasting for a bit longer. Maybe even a year. We will see.

And that's that. Until Douchebags in Paradise which starts next Sunday. No way. I can't do it. Two shows a week during the summer? Impossible. Interesting on the upcoming highlights, we hear a woman calling another woman a "whore." How sexist.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Men Tell All

Hey guys. I had company over on Monday night and I sure as hell wasn't going to cop to the fact I watch The Bachelorette. It's our dirty little secret. Let's keep it just between us. So I'm just getting to it today.

Was it a good episode? Let me find out right now. Hand me the remote, will ya?

I didn't realize there was a "national controversy surrounding" Kaitlyn. Chris Harrison just euphemistically offered the argument that by "exploring each relationship to the fullest," she's actually the most serious Bachelorette of all time. Or, conversely, it could be argued that she's the least serious, the one who wants to have a good time more than anything. The truth is most likely somewhere in the middle.

But I don't think it's a sexist double standard if people are criticizing her for sleeping around. Has there been a Bachelor who's done that? I can't remember (I can't remember from week to week what happens), but I'm sure he would be lambasted, too. He'd be called a sleazeball or a sex pig or something along those lines, I'm sure. I'm not saying either way is deserved, just to be clear.

Oh, here we go. Bachelor in Paradise is upon us, with a whole new cast of rejects you've hated from past seasons. This show should be called Douchebags in Paradise. And it'll be on twice a week because what else is there to do in the summer but sit in front of your TV?

The first victim is Run Ian Run, who is painted as a loner who sat in his room reading. Tissue Tanner tells him Princeton needs to teach a class in how not to be an asshole. Boom! Roasted! Corey gets booed when he suggests Ian was spot-on with his assessment of Kaitlyn; it was just his delivery that needed work. Aitch gets cheered when he pointedly asks Corey how many weeks he was there, implying he didn't get to know Kaitlyn well enough to reach any conclusion on her surface-levelness. While Corey explains himself – saying her decisions were in bad taste and disgraceful – Ian has been sitting silently. He raises his hand to speak, just like they taught him in Princeton.

He gets up, takes his jacket off, then walks to the stage and gets down on one knee. Harrison asks, "What are you doing?" Ian ignores him and continues with his rehearsed speech. He regrets the way he left and what he said. He says he's sorry. The things he said were not representative of who he is. He apologizes to America, too. Come on, what about Canada? Kaitlyn's Canadian! Screw you, Ian!

Several of the guys get up and hug him. Ian offers the apology as an example of his humility. But I see it as a big slap in the face to Canada!

Next up is Clint, that lightning rod for controversy. Corey is doing more talking tonight than he did in all his time on the show. Clint insists he's straight. JJ rushes to defend his good friend. He says the "villain" thing was all tongue in cheek. They'd talk for four or five hours together because they were "intellectually curious about each other." Their relationship wasn't surface level – "there was a lot of meat to that for me." The audience is in stitches.

Jonathan doesn't care about their friendship. He changes the subject to Nick. Hey, let's stick with Clint and JJ! Why is this also-ran dictating the topics? Jonathan's in the minority on the topic of whether Kaitlyn should have added Nick to the group. Everyone else thinks it was her prerogative. It's not a game show, as one of them said, it's her life. Harrison asks if Jonathan blames Nick or Kaitlyn. How about the producers? They're always fun to blame.

Hot seat time! First up is the loathsome JJ. As he sits up there trying to explain himself, the guys sit there suppressing laughter. Corey speaks up again. I don't remember this guy at all. He should let the famous guys speak. JJ is now blaming his sense of humour for any offence taken. He ribs people and wants to be ribbed back, but nobody got him. He regrets not being more sensitive. I regret him being on the show.

Next in the hot seat is Zed, the "mountain of a man." He's popular with the ladies judging from the hooting and hollering. Such sexists. I have no idea what he said because I couldn't stop staring at that thing under his nose. What was that? A mini-Hitler moustache? An insect crawling out of his nose? It was an otherwise dull segment so I'm sure I didn't miss anything.

Patchy is next looking a whole lot less patchy. Jared's shaved the parts of his face where hair doesn't thrive. Always a good move. He's still hopelessly in love with Kaitlyn by the sounds of it. But he is on the new season of Douchebags in Paradise so I'm sure he's not hurting that bad. As he says, he's moving on. Actually, Chris Harrison seems more concerned than Jared. And he tells him he's glad Jared got rid of the "spotty beard." And here I thought I had something to do with it. I thought my huge Twitter presence (39 followers strong!) brought him to his senses.

Now the sexist female crowd is going bonkers for the unlovable Aitch. (Maybe Clint is, too.) As Harrison says, it's like a construction site in reverse. He talked about the time Kaitlyn snuck into his and Shawn's room and hopped into Shawn's bed. Not as juicy as it sounds, though. The three of them just talked for hours and hours and she eventually told Shawn he was "the one" when Aitch was in the shower. And that was the beginning of the end. For Aitch and, come to think of it, pretty much everyone else.

Here's Kaitlyn now to explain herself. First they talk about the internet backlash she's received. It used to be the tabloids; now it's the internet. She says she got death threats. Harrison reads some tweets. Lots of words like "whore," "slut," "bitch" and "pathetic." I think Chris just liked reading those words. Not sure that was necessary, but maybe it was. She gets a standing ovation. At least I think it was for her, and not the tweets.

Internet comments (this space excepted) are often terrible. People feel safe being hateful dickwads sitting behind their computers. We've all read them. But I can only imagine how rotten and scary it feels to be the subject of those comments.

The Nick stuff was good because she was called on the carpet about her decision. All she could offer in rebuttal was that it was a hard decision and you try dating so many people at once on TV and not make any mistakes. Can't argue with that. It's a catch-all explanation.

Ryan the drunk finally gets to talk. Kaitlyn asks if he's "horned up." He says he is. He gets up and Donahue's it. He grabs a rose and gives it to her. All's good. Time for a drink.

She asks Clint why he didn't treat her the way he treated JJ. She makes a few gay jokes and Clint stares icily. He's having none of it.

Run Ian Run gets up again. Not a narcissist at all. He gets on his knees again and gives Kaitlyn a card. He gets a cramp so has to stand up. Man, he's really going all-out to prove he's Bachelor-worthy, isn't he? She hugs him but he's still got no chance. I hope they string him along, though.

Blooper time again. These are always fantastic... ly lame. And they don't disappoint this time, too, in their lameness. They're better than usual, though, I'll give them that.

And that's that. We didn't hear from the Healer at all. That was a bit of a disappointment. But I'll get over it.

One more week before the big reveal. Will it be Nick? Will it be Shawn? Who will she choose? Who should she choose? I don't have a clue. Or a rooting interest.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: And then there were two

So it's 8:15 and my wife says, "When do you want to start watching?" For a brief moment, I was wondering if she was referring to Boyhood, which we watched half of the other night. Then a sinking feeling came over me. It was/is Monday night. I had completely forgotten about it. And I'm so tired. But maybe this will energize me. Okay, let's get started.

Oh, but before I do, let me address a comment I got last week calling me out for calling Jared out for his acne. I was told it's no joking matter. Here's my defence: If the guy had a pock-marked face, I wouldn't have mentioned it. That is, if it seemed like a serious problem, I wouldn't have picked that low-hanging fruit. Jared had what we've all had – a few zits break out. We've made fun of ourselves in that situation. It's not like it's a condition he suffers from. My comments weren't directed at anyone who may suffer from acne.

Did I dig myself a deeper hole? Hope not. Now, on with the show.

When last we met, Shawn was confronting Nick about his intentions. He thinks Nick has other reasons for being here. Not clear on what they are, but the usual, I'm guessing: starting with fame. Nick brings up the Eskimo brothers thing. Nothing is resolved.

Kaitlyn's overnight with Nick is over so now it's her turn to have sex with Ben. She knows he's not a player type, so that means she's probably not interested. But she gets in a better mood around him.

They go horseback riding. It's Kaitlyn's first time on a horse. They stop to feed some tiny donkeys then continue on to a picnic near a castle. It looks miniature. Maybe the donkeys live there.

He tells her he's falling in love with her, then tells us he's fallen in love with her. They have dinner in the miniature 19th century castle. They fit. Inside doesn't look castle like, but then I've only ever been in the castle at Disneyland.

Aitch reveals it was his 26th birthday at some point during the season. Kaitlyn's 30th is coming up. She says age doesn't bother her.  No doubt. It never bothers the older person. He says he feels super-lucky every time he's with her, and hopes, no doubt, that he gets super-duper lucky later tonight.

And there it is. The fake card from a producer or minion props person pretending to be Chris Harrison. Aitch rambles on about nothing before finally agreeing to the "best sleepover ever." He's excited to be a couple, free from distractions. Kaitlyn pretends it's not about the sex, which is admirable. She just wants to have some alone time away from the cameras.

I wonder why she hasn't felt the need to tell Aitch about her tryst with Nick when she was dying to tell Shawn?

The next morning he tells her she wakes up looking nice. Kaitlyn said they had a lot of fun, intimating they slept for maybe half an hour. She didn't expect to fall in love with Benjamin Aitch, but that's the impression she's giving.

Next up is the intense and passionate Shawn. She's looking for his sense of humour, which is MIA (Missing in Action: The Search for Shawn's Sense of Humour, starring Chuck Norris). Kaitlyn gives him a bright pink golf shirt. That sparks things up. So off they go golfing, wearing the garish outfits. But not for long.

Shawn loves golf. He's turned on by watching her hit the ball right down the middle. He says that's wife material. But then she beats him. Or so she says. So she wants to play Truth or Dare. He says he's a dare kind of guy so without missing a beat she makes him streak naked through the golf course. He undresses and she says, "You'll get your own black box." Not sure if she meant the censor or what's in store for him on the overnight.

As he putts naked, she runs off with his clothes, cackling all the way. She says tonight Shawn needs to put his clothes on so they can have a serious conversation. Uh-huh. And then immediately take them off again, presumably.

At dinner, they looked comfortable and like a couple. But she ends the good times with questions about his gripe with Nick. She brings up the Eskimo brothers thing. He tells her Nick is a terrible person and manipulative, but didn't say anything about the charge. A good offence is the best defence they say. He tells her if she ends up with Nick, he won't lose any sleep over it. Maybe not the best strategy, but we'll see.

She still gives him the fantasy suite card. He reads it and neither one of them responded to it. They just said, "Let's go" and skedaddled out of there. They close the door, and it seemed like an obvious time for a commercial but next thing you know the birds were chirping and it was morning. He leaves her room not in the most loving of ways. We follow him out on the street and Nick is standing there, leaning against a building, all menacing-like. He's clearly been stalking them all night. Or was planted there by the producers.

Nick asks if Shawn has a few minutes. Shawn says, "Not really." Shawn says he doesn't want to talk to Nick at all. But they talk anyway. Inside.

Shawn tells him he spent all night going over Nick's allegations with Kaitlyn. He talks non-stop, not letting Nick get a word in. He must be pissed that he didn't get the sex everyone else got. What a waste of a fantasy suite. But Nick is playing the victim now, saying Shawn didn't have to tell him he spent the whole day and night with Kaitlyn. He says he didn't know that and didn't want to know that. Unless something was cut out in the editing, Shawn clearly said he spent the whole night answering Nick's allegations. Also, even if they did, um, cuddle the night away, Nick would eventually find out anyway when the show airs. And this from a guy who told the world Andi had sex with him in the fantasy suite. Hypocrite.

Kaitlyn tells Harrison she kept looking for things to go wrong this week, but nothing went wrong. She had a good week. Harrison plants the information that Shawn might be an ultra-jealous guy in any situation. From her comments, it seems like the best man there is on the outs: Ben Aitch. But that's good news for Bachelor fans because he's a natural for that. I mean, if Run Ian Run doesn't get it!

The last rose ceremony is upon us. Kaitlyn enters wearing a dress cut down to her naval. She says her heart is beating out of her chest. My wife says, "No, your boobs are beating out of your chest." Glad she said it. I wouldn't want to be considered sexist.

But she can't go on. She gets emotional and needs to take a few moments to collect herself. She's hated sending people home from the very first episode. Obviously she's going to hate it even more at this point. She returns to tell them how hard it is, yada yada yada. With that, the roses:

  1. Nick
  2. Shawn
As predicted. No doubt the producers told her they like the drama of the two guys who hate each other being the final two. And they want Ben Aitch to be the next Bachelor, as I'm sure the whole of Bachelor Nation does.

Kaitlyn walks Ben out. She tells him he's going to find the best woman in the world and it frustrates her that it's not her. But doesn't frustrate her all that much, obviously. Ben handles it well. On the drive away, he says, "I'll miss that girl. I'll miss her a lot." He wasn't expecting to be going home. He says he was definitely changed by Kaitlyn. He's a different person now. No tears from him. But it crushed Kaitlyn, she says.

She feels the hate between Shawn and Nick. And she's right in between them. But it's not like they have to hang out with each other. It's hometowns week. Or is it? I thought so, but I should know by now nothing this season has a precedent.

She comes back in from seeing off Ben, they toast with champagne then she walks out leaving Shawn and Nick to awkwardly finish their booze and stand around kicking sand, ignoring each other.

We're in Utah now where she's going to meet Shawn and Nick's families. Instead of hometown visits, they're bringing the families to her.

She meets Nick first in his skinny jeans and sneakers. They sit down and talk. He tells her that he's totally in love with her. That reassures her. They smooch. She knows she's on the right path. I throw up a little bit.

Nick's family sits quietly in a semi-circle in the hotel. They're upset for him because they don't want him to be broken-hearted again. One very young sister cries because of the mood in the room, that's how sombre it is. She has no feelings about it herself, being about ten years old, but everyone else is so morose, the kid senses something is wrong. And here comes Kaitlyn into that fun atmosphere.

In the conversation with Nick's sisters and brothers and mom, Kaitlyn conveniently doesn't mention how she knew Nick before the show started. I wonder what they would have made of that. I've always had the impression it was a bit of a minor celebrity crush on the guy she saw on TV.

Nick tells his concerned mom he's pretty confident. He's 99 percent sure she loves him. He tells her, "She's great at making out." What every mother wants to hear. She worries that the next time she sees him, he's either going to be on Cloud 9 or devastated. Okay, I understand not wanting your kid to be hurt. But that's life and love. The other option is to marry the first person you meet and live happily ever after. Failing that, there's always going to be heartbreak.

They leave his family and Kaitlyn invites Nick into her hotel room. Again. They kiss on the couch and he whispers, "I love you." She whispers back, "Promise?" It's looking like he's the mistake she's going to make.

Now it's Shawn's family's turn. He's eager to tell his future wife that he loves her. Kaitlyn is wearing lipstick for maybe the first time. Or at least it's the first time I've noticed.

Shawn tells his family that out of the 25 guys on the first night, he's the only one left. Then adds that another guy came a few weeks later and he's still around, too. I think he really wanted to remind Kaitlyn of that fact.

One older sister asks Kaitlyn how many serious relationships she's had. Kaitlyn answers two. She wisely doesn't mention the dozens of non-serious relationships. Shawn's dad is concerned it's moved so fast and it may just be a physical thing. Yet Nick's family had no such concern. Isn't it ironic?

He asks Shawn, "What the hell's going on? This is nuts." But ultimately he's a pushover. He's with Shawn 100 percent.

Now on their own, they kiss respectfully, unlike the full-on passionate kisses she shares with Nick. He gets something off his chest. He says he lied earlier when he said he was falling in love with her. The truth is he is in love with her and has been for a long time. Now they kiss and this looks hopeful for him. She looks happy and relaxed.

But she gets emotional back at her place. She was so happy to hear that Shawn loves her. Her emotions are so intense that she's confused. Good thing they're in Utah. She can just marry them both!

We won't find out who she chooses for another two weeks, though. Next week is the Men Tell All episode. Can wait to hear from all the guys I've forgotten already.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: It's sexy time! (again)

Hi all. Are we losing readers/viewers as the dog days of summer hit? Or is the show losing viewers because of Kaitlyn or the changes made every episode? Or is everyone still out there? Regardless, I'm still here sweating it out.

Previously on The Bachelorette: Nick makes Kaitlyn feel like a desired woman. Shawn questions everything whenever he sees her with another guy (and especially "that other guy"). The order changed, with Fantasy Suites coming before Hometowns now. Two are leaving this week. That's about it.

It's been draining for Kaitlyn. Hell, it's been draining for all of us.

Aitch gets the first date. This guy's a lock, I would think. Then again, she thought JJ was good-looking and funny, so what do I know?

On the dates this week, she's really looking at whether the guys are husband material. So she wants to show them all her many sides. She's not just bubbly Kaitlyn, she says.

She and Aitch take a row boat out on a lake. Aitch does all the rowing. He rows to a private island and they play hide and seek in some ancient stone structure. See, she's more than just a bubbly chick. She also likes children's games.

She tells him right off the bat he seems like husband material to her. They kiss lots. Tastes like husband material, too.

At night they head to a cozy place with a fireplace and whiskey. Aitch tells us he's falling in love with her, but he needs to tell her about his biggest fear. And that is that he loved his last girlfriend but since that ended, he feels he's unlovable. Makes as much sense as her fear of birds.

He's just fishing for reassurance is what he's doing. It works. They kiss some more.

This guy could play the next Superman, I'm thinking.

She asks Aitch his opinion on overnights. He tells her it doesn't have to be just physical. Or even physical at all. He said he'd like to talk all night. Then she wonders if he might be a virgin so she flat-out asks him. His answer: "Um..." Then he smiles and says, "No!" He says he's glad he comes off innocent, though. Then mentions talking all night again. They kiss some more, then she asks him to tell her about when he lost his virginity. Thankfully we don't get the answer. He kisses her to shut her up. This girl has one thing on her mind, doesn't she?

No rose on the line for the one-on-one.

Nick's confidence couldn't be higher, he tells us. He's going on a group date with his arch-rival Old Man Shawn and Moonshine Joe. One person will get a rose on this date, which guarantees some good old-fashioned fornicatin' in the Fantasy Suite!

Shawn gets the first alone time. She told him last week they needed to take a step back. Now he's ready to step forward. They sit on the grass and talk about their last encounter, which was the first time they didn't kiss. So they rectify that. He gets lip gloss on his moustache.

Kaitlyn, though, wants to tell him about the Nick sextuation. Just as she's about to reveal her deep, dark secret, Nick steps in. So off they go, leaving Shawn to show his lip gloss off to Joe.

Nick and Kaitlyn have a tender moment where he mumbles into his hand that he's falling for her.

Moonshine Joe tells Kaitlyn he's ready to get married. She's not buying it. So he shows her with his lips. She just sits there. She doesn't make eye contact, either. He tells her he's in love with her. She's flattered but clearly uncomfortable. She sits there looking down with an awkward smile on her face.

Back from the break and she's not looking as happy. They're on the same bench, but here comes the brutal honesty. She tells him they're not on the same page right now. Turns out, she's not even reading the same book. In fact, it's possible ol' Moonshine Joe doesn't even know how to read. He says, "What are you trying to say, Kaitlyn?" Good question. She can't imagine saying goodbye to him, she tells him. He keeps a stiff upper lip. Staring off into the distance, he says he's not upset with her at all. She asks if he can give her a hug and he says, "I guess." Love it!

He asks what to do now. She says he should do whatever he wants. He doesn't know. She says, "I just wanted to hug you and say goodbye." Then he mumbled something I couldn't catch on three or four rewinds. But I don't think it was pleasant.

Now it's just Shawn and Nick, making the rose option even more fun. But she tells them she doesn't feel like handing it out. She tells Nick she'll see him at the rose ceremony. She tells Shawn she needs more time with him tonight. They both take this as a notch in Shawn's belt, but really it's just so she can tell him she boned Nick.

Shawn's feeling great about this one-on-one time. Kaitlyn's feeling sick about having to open up to him. He looks hopefully in her eyes. Here goes! "I want to be honest with you and I know your biggest thing is trust. I haven't talked to anybody else about this... I don't want you to find out later." She brings up the one-on-one date with Nick. She says, euphemistically, it went too far. What? Second base? Nope, she goes one further and says, "We had sex." No mincing words there. Shawn turns red and sweats. He's silent. "Do you regret it?" he asks? "I felt guilt," she answered. He says he doesn't know what to think. He says, "I'm trying to figure out why you're telling me this right now." Another good question. He says he needs to take a minute to regroup and go to the bathroom. Presumably to barf.

He returns. He thanks her for telling him, but admits he's upset about it, especially because it involves a guy he has no respect for. But he's going to man-up and deal with it. He can't be mad because he wants her. He thinks she's worth it. But deep down, he feels sick to his stomach. Thus the barfing.

Shawn arrives back at the house. He doesn't talk to Nick and Patchy about what was said. It's between him and Kaitlyn. He just says he feels confident he'll get a rose.

Looks like Patchy is the odd man out this week. He isn't getting a date. I wonder if it had to do with his sudden outbreak of acne. They're going straight to the cocktail party. I guess I was confused because a) there's still an hour left in the show, and b) Patchy hadn't been on a date yet. But there are no rules or consistency this season. My internal clock is screwed up.

Shawn is saying he may not even accept the rose if offered.

Chris Harrison enters to tell the four fellas that Kaitlyn's mind is made up so there will be no cocktail party. Oh geez, can't we have some semblance of structure?! So off the handsome men go via hansom carriage to the rose ceremony.

And away we go! The roses go in order to:

  1. Shawn.
But wait! She asks if he'll accept this rose and he says, "I need to talk to you." They walk off hand in hand. He says he did a lot of thinking last night. "I understand there are other connections and other relationships" but he doesn't understand why she asked him his opinion on Nick and told him (i.e. Shawn) he was the one. He doesn't get why she'd jeopardize their relationship. She says it was a mistake to tell him he was the one halfway through the process. She's here to explore other relationships. And by that she means lots and lots of sex. With one other guy. She loves Shawn's honesty and loves that he cares, but he needs to let her figure out things herself. She asks if she might be someone he can't trust. He says, "Uh." She says, "You have to trust me but I don't think you do."

So back to the roses. Will he accept? "Absolutely." Doesn't sound convincing, though.

  1. Shawn (again)
  2. Aitch
  3. Nick
Sorry, Patchy, you're going home but enjoy these parting gifts: a year's supply of razors and Clearasil. He tells her she's a wonderful person and he's really glad he met her. He handles it like a gentleman.
She blubbers in his arms. He smiles and gets in the van. Sounds like it's got no muffler and it sputters away. His eyes are watery in the car. Okay, more than watery. He says he's going to miss her a lot.

So here we are at the overnights. But only half an hour left in the episode. Argh! My world is upside-down!

Nick gets the first Fantasy Suite date. Or first and second, if you want to be technical about it. And third total, if you're counting Andi, too.

They're in Dublin (or maybe Cork) and walk into a cathedral. They light some candles and he explains to her about the confessional. Good thing for him the priest wasn't on duty. He'd have a lot of esplainin' to do.

At a bar, they talk about her first kiss in grade 8 and him touching privates also in grade 8. It's an activity he hasn't given up. Some locals sit and talk with them and Kaitlyn can't understand them. Yet she could understand Moonshine Joe? They give the young couple some advice and it centres around trust. And something about craic, which is pronounced 'crack' but doesn't involve narcotics (necessarily) or butt cleavage.

Shawn is still brewing over "that other guy." He won't mention him by name.

That other guy tells Kaitlyn there's one guy he has no respect for. He alludes to the guy bragging about being "Eskimo brothers" with a famous country singer because they banged the same girl on the same night. Or something like that. Kaitlyn says, "Eww!" I immediately Googled the phrase:

n. A male who has had sex with, and ejaculated inside of the same woman as a good friend. (not necessarily simultaneously)
I knew me and Jack were brothers for life, but when I found out he slept with Stacy we became Eskimo Brothers

I was confused as to the etymology of this phrase. How does that term find its way to that definition? Then I found this image, which explained it all:



Kaitlyn asks who he's talking about. Turns out it's Shawn, naturally. Not naturally because we expect that from Shawn; but naturally because Shawn is Nick's main competition. He adds he's worried about her. Nick's in full weasel mode.

Then lightning strikes. What does it mean?! It means that warm air met cold air and formed a thundercloud, then negative and positive charges grew.

Kaitlyn doesn't really care about the jabs each of them throws at the other. That's good. But since she lives in a glass house, she's careful with stones.

She gives Nick the Fantasy Suite card. It's the second one he's experienced. He tells her he wants to wake up to her. The suite is in a jail. Two futons on the floor. He's game. But turns out that was just a prank because the bubbly Kaitlyn's a prankster even when sex is on the line.

Now they're in their real suite. They drink and kiss then walk to the bedroom holding hands. They lie down and kiss some more. He squeezes her upper thigh. Then he gets up and closes the door. "Let's just get to it," he says.

In the light of day, they sit and eat bacon. Or ham. His problem with Ireland is with the bacon, he says, and that's because it's actually ham. Kaitlyn likes it but that's because she's Canadian, Nick says. Let's clear this up for our American readers. In the US, there's a thing called "Canadian bacon" that looks like ham. Let it be stated for the record that in Canada there is no such thing. At least, it's not called Canadian bacon. Our bacon is just like their bacon – long, thin strips of peeled pig. If it's ever ham-like, we call it ham. Or maybe back bacon. I'm not sure. I just know there's nothing called Canadian bacon.

He's shirtless. They're glowing. This is the first post-fantasy suite date we've seen. He gets dressed, kisses her, and takes the walk of shame back to his hotel.

Meanwhile, Shawn calls the front desk to find out Nick's room number. No hotel I've ever visted gives that kind of information out, but they apparently did. So he trudges over to Nick's place to get some things off his chest.

He sits down at Nick's and tells him he doesn't understand his reasons why he's here. He calls Nick manipulative, arrogant and cocky. He tells him he's an "asshole." They go on and on, but we're going to have to wait until next week to find out what happens because the producers like ending shows in the middle now.

Oh good lord, here's more on Britt and Brady. He's saying goodbye because he lives in Nashville and she lives in LA. Can we all just say goodbye to these little needless segments?

Monday, June 29, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Regrets? I've had a few

Hey everyone. Ready for another rose ceremony? Because that's how these shows start these days. Such drama as we try to remember what happened last week. But this much I do remember: There's a two-on-one that didn't get started.

But before any ceremony or date, Shawn gets serious with Kaitlyn. He asks her point blank: "Are you in love with me?" She's stuck for an answer, finally coming up with the old standby, "I'm falling in love with you."

He's being a big baby. I guess when they were drawing cards to be given their roles for the season, he was given the role of the guy who doesn't understand that he's not the only one on the show. There's one in every season.

He tells her, "I don't know if I can do this." She says he just has to decide if he can do it. And she kisses him slowly to shut him up. Snivelling, she tells the camera she feels guilty that he knows she was intimate with Nick the Slick. But her feelings for Shawn are "overwhelming." She feels "awful" and cries in her hand. She doesn't feel guilty over being intimate with Nick, though; she just feels awful about how it might affect the others. Interesting distinction, to be sure. Semantics anyone?

She says she feels like she's constantly disappointing people. Her heart would break if Shawn left. But he ain't going nowhere, I sense.

Yes, finally the two-on-one with JJ and Joe. She says JJ is attractive. I'm blaming the editing on that one. No way she said that. Impossible. Moonshine Joe's no great shakes but at least he's devoid of JJ's personality. That's a plus.

The three of them take a boat ride. Looks like a fishing vessel but I'm not sure. They arrive at some tiny deserted island. Whoever was there before them left a picnic basket and some blankets. Luck of the Irish!

She sits with Joe on a rocky beach. What is JJ doing during this time? There's literally nothing else to do on the island. Hope he brought a book. Joe tells her he's falling in love with her then starts eating her lips. Can't blame him the way she sticks them out the way she does. She says Joe blew her away.

Now it's JJ's turn. He promises to show the worst of himself. Interesting strategy. Turns out, three years ago he cheated on his wife. Surprising. He seemed like such a nice young man. (sarcasm font) He made a mistake that destroyed his life. He doesn't say whether it was with a man or woman. She thinks he probably learned a lot from that. I'm sure he did. Cheaters hardly ever cheat more than once. They always learn their lesson and then become model spouses.

Now it's rose time. She says she doesn't know what she's going to do. She feels sick. She tells them she's genuinely looking for a husband and these things take time. She tells Joe she doesn't feel like they've had that time. But on the other hand, it's not fair to keep JJ there when his daughter's at home if she doesn't see a future with him. Hallelujah!

But she doesn't give the rose to Joe, either, because she needs more time. So they're going to spend some more time together while JJ gets a free trip to the USA!

They go to a room and talk a bit between kisses. Joe looks the most relaxed he's been all season.

He returns to the guys and tells them he's falling in love with "the girl." Shawn immediately gets up and leaves. Or at least that's how the edit would have us believe. He walks to the elevator and says it's cards on the table time.

Kaitlyn's curled up in a ball on her sofa. Then she's being interviewed and the producer says, "They're telling me Shawn's on his way over right now." So she gets warned. I would assume they always get warned but this is the first time they've shown us. Usually we see them answering the door all fake-surprised.

She immediately thinks Shawn's going to leave so she bawls. He knocks. She whispers, "I don't want to go through this." Then she answers the door with tear-stained cheeks. She invites him to the couch.

She tells him she's having a rough time. He reveals what she said off-camera in Texas. She looked him in the eyes and said, "I think you're the one." So that's why he's been so jealous of everyone else. Instead of letting that build his confidence, he let it eat away at him every time she kissed someone else.

She says maybe she's at fault for reassuring him so much. She tells him it's hard for everyone. Everyone else is so positive and she's wasting time reassuring him all the time. He says the more reassurance she gives him, the harder it gets for him. That leaves her confused because she doesn't know if she should back off or not. This isn't making her closer to him. She finds him needy. And that's because he is.

Now we get Kaitlyn's side. She says Shawn asked her if he was the one and she said that's just how she felt at that moment but now regrets saying it. Oh, that impetuous Kaitlyn. It's one regret after another for her.

It's cocktail party time. She gets the party started by telling them how difficult her week has been. She's emotional and confused and has made mistakes. But her heart is still open. Sounds like it's going to be a fun party!

She says she's never been this nervous. The guys aren't sure what she meant by "mistakes." Well, Nick the Slick knew, but he wasn't talking. Shawn thinks he knows. Her statements are like a Rorschach test. You can see in them anything you want.

Zed steals her away. They sit outside and he takes the opportunity to kiss her in Ireland. She finds him handsome and manly.

Aitch takes her into the library. He needs to talk to her. She looks worried. He says something happened but he doesn't know what. He knows something was said to Shawn that changed things, gave him validation. But he doesn't want to know details. He just wants to make sure he's not just spinning his wheels. I guess he's looking for validation, too, but in a slightly less whiny way.

She thanks him for talking about it and not jumping to any conclusions. Aitch is certainly Bachelor material if he doesn't make it the whole way through. Who's with me on this? Good-looking, sense of humour, sane.

Slick sits down with Kaitlyn. He fears she was talking about him. She tells him she fears him being a loudmouth. He assures her he hasn't been. Then he gets emotional, trying his best to show his vulnerability. He's good. She bought it hook, line and stinker. She said his emotions were "so sincere." She was drawn to it. It changed any concerns she had for him. So they kiss some more, as they are wont to do.

Next it's Shawn's turn. Again. He apologizes for making her week hard for her. He says he got in his own head and drove himself a little crazy. She says she's to blame. Very Canadian. She tells him she never should have made that sweet gesture. It messed everything up. He asks her what she's thinking, looking concerned. She tells him they need to take a step back. Ah, so nothing to be concerned about. That's always a sign that things are going swimmingly.

They zoom in on his face and I find it hard to believe Shawn is only 28. He could easily pass for 40.

We're just over one hour in so of course it's time for the rose ceremony. Three roses to hand out. Slick, Patchy, and Moonshine already have roses. We didn't see Joe being offered his rose but he's wearing one now so we have to assume he didn't just pick one up at a market and pin it to his lapel.

She tells Chris Harrison that sometimes she makes impulse decisions. This just in! Ya think?! She's sounding like Shawn will not get a rose because he wouldn't be able to handle finding out about her sleeping with Slick.

Two are going home. Shawn and Cupcake? Those are my calls. Let's see how it goes:

  1. Aitch
  2. Cupcake!
  3. Shawn
Wow. Oh-for two! But I blame the editors. Tissue Tanner and Zed are the casualties. Tanner tells her, "It's been fun." The manly Zed says, "Thank you for everything." He says he didn't see it coming. He was blindsided. He really thought they had something good. There will be calls for Zed to be the next Bachelor, but Aitch is the better one, I believe. Especially if they do steroid testing.

She's terrified that her mistakes could sabotage her happiness.

We come back from commercial and my wife says, "Oh, it's still on?" See, these random rose ceremonies are screwing with people's inner clock.

They're going to Killarney. Everyone on a "Paddywagon" except for Patchy, who gets to ride in the car with Kaitlyn. She drives. The steering wheel is on the right side, and the traffic is on the left. She hits the curb three times.

They arrive at the Blarney Stone. It's on the top of a castle-like structure. They have to lean over the edge backwards to kiss it. That was just a pit-stop, though. They keep going to a legit castle, where Kaitlyn is staying. It's apparently haunted, she says, and adds the queen has stayed there, too. Now why would the bloody Queen of England and the Commonwealth be put up in a haunted castle? I think she was confusing it with Hamlet. Anyway, they have a cocktail on her bed and kiss. The ghosts mind their own business.

In the bus, we see Shawn sleeping with some very obvious fake snoring edited in. That's below the belt. Maybe he was sawing logs and they didn't catch it so felt it was fair game to edit it in later.

Patchy kisses her goodbye. Then Harrison knocks on her door. He asks her to be honest with him: is she ready to visit four families? She says yes. She tells him her "mistake" about getting her field plowed by Slick. Harrison says, "That's good. We all screw up." And screw, period, am I right? He tells her she needs to get the other relationships up to speed. Nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no more. That's a task Kaitlyn is up for!

She's going to send home three guys this week, instead of just two. She's going to get Fantasy Suite time before the Hometowns instead of the other way around. The guys think hometowns will be next, but here's Harrison to fill them in that the overnight dates will be in Ireland.

Dr. Cupcake gets the first one-on-one. We've seen the teaser and he weeps so maybe he doesn't come back. That'll probably be the cliffhanger.

They greet each other and kiss, but it's definitely close-mouthed. A helicopter arrives and whisks them up, up and away. They land on some cliffs. They look like the Cliffs of Despair from Princess Bride. They sit right on the edge and have a picnic. Her heart definitely is not here. He has no clue.

She asks him what their lives would look like if they were together. She asks him if he would want to stay in Nashville. He dances around the question.

She tells him she's freaking out a little bit. She cries. He comforts her not knowing what's coming. She says every time she's with him, it's so good. But she promised herself she wouldn't lead any relationship on. He calmly says he sees what she's saying. She blames herself again, as any good Canadian can relate to. He tells her she's just scared. She says he's everything she wants in somebody, but she doesn't fully see it so she says bye to him. He says, "I really wish that you could be my wife." What he really should have said was, "Inconceivable!" But he gets up and kisses her on the forehead. She walks back to the chopper. He will have to climb down, I guess.

"I think that she's wrong and I don't think she really knows what she wants," he says. But he'd rather know now than next year or in twenty years. Really? He wouldn't like a good twenty-year run with the woman of his dreams? He says she deserves a lifetime of happiness, but "I'm not sure she's ready to find it. Looking at her, she's a mess." He cries right near the edge of the cliff. It looked for a second that he was going to jump. A producer takes a step toward him. He comes to his senses and sits down and bawls like few have bawled before him on this show. Maybe he should have jumped. Less embarrassing.

No cliffhanger. Ironic considering they were right there on a cliff. They just don't get it.

Next week Kaitlyn sits down the remaining guys and confesses she had sex with Nick. And she says "sex," not "was intimate with." Not sure why she felt the need to confess, but it's probably because they'd all find out by watching the show anyway. Looks like they weren't too happy. Didn't see that coming.

And that's that.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Sex and the single girl

Someone went to bed early last night. So that someone is now going to sit down and watch last night's episode. Sorry about that.

Hey, now we're cooking with gasoline! Seven comments last week. Well, one of them was from this morning asking where the hell the blog was, but I'll take it. Good job. It's fun reading them. Don't feel any pressure, though (although it's always fun breaking records, hint, hint).

Okay, here we go. What happened last week? If memory serves, there was no rose ceremony. It was a cliffhanger. I don't recall what the suspense was but I'll find out as soon as this commercial ends.

Apparently it's a "dramatic" episode tonight. Oh right, it's the Run Ian Run drama where he voiced his true opinions to Kaitlyn. In other words, was rude to her, telling her she's a "surface level person" and shallow. He tells the camera he's "not looking to plow her field," he's looking "to have a deeper connection with her." That's sure not the way to go about achieving that particular goal! Also, those two activities are not mutually exclusive. One can lead to the other, in either order.

I love her look throughout his soliloquy. Her tongue must be sore from biting it while he's talking. She finally says, "So you don't think I'm here to find a husband?" He answers, "Not from what I've seen." She tells him she's "super offended." She makes a good point saying she hasn't seen humour in him just as he hasn't seen her deeper side. Touché. He asks if, when looking for a spouse, humour is the number one thing she needs. She stumbles a bit and says no, but that's it's a huge thing. The number one thing is also, coincidentally, a huge thing, which I'm sure Ian has. (That was a penis joke if you missed it.)

Then she asks if he doesn't see that calling her surface level is being "super rude" and offensive. He says that's what he's observed. He says she asked them to be honest and that's what he was doing. I wonder if he thinks he was going to win her over with his honesty. She gives him the thumb, as if to say scram, and he immediately says he intends to go home. You can't fire me, I quit!

"I'm not the guy you're looking for; you're not the woman I'm looking for. And I think that's apt. And that's what I have to say," he says. She says, "You feel good about that?" He has no answer. Just gets up and walks away. Run Ian Run.

In his exit interview, he says, "I think the right decision was made... Kaitlyn's shallow. I just don't think she's nearly as complex as I am... I'm too deep a thinker, I'm too self-aware... I'm very different than every single other person that's here... I went to Princeton, Deerfield [prep school]... and that's what I have to offer... I'm an interesting guy, a guy who's had a lot of different experiences... I'm not lame.. like the other guys." Those ellipses (...) are there to show what I think are edit points. His voice sounds different in each soundbite. I doubt he said that all at once. In fact, I doubt they were all said in that context. They're probably taken from the sum of his comments while on the show and edited together for this exit speech. Not saying he's a good guy, but I doubt he said it quite that way.

In the limo, we can see his real thoughts on leaving. "I'm glad, way glad, to be out of there. God, I've just missed having conversations with people about life rather than about sex. I'm tired of talking about farts and people's bowel movements. I'm being punished for being intellectual. They didn't teach Cheesy Movie Quotes in Princeton. I have to have original thoughts. I don't find that women have trouble relating to me because I'm too deep. Seeing how badly Kaitlyn's been at the Bachelorette, I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor. I understand that she's trying to divide up her time, but for that reason, you have to be deep. I feel like I'm destined to be the Bachelor and destined to find love on this show. If I was named Bachelor, I think they would come out of the woodworks, man. I think they'd be like, 'Oh shit, I want to go out with that guy. He's so deep.' Oh man, I need to have some sex."

Classic!

Let's parse that, shall we? He didn't want to plow Kaitlyn's field, was sick of talking about sex, he's deep... but he's gotta get some sex. Some deep sex, presumably.

I feel a bit sorry for him because had he taken the high road, he probably had a decent shot at becoming the Bachelor. Now, he's going to be one of the most despised men in America. But I'm sure there will be women out there throwing themselves at his feet. He went to Princeton, afterall.

Kaitlyn tells the camera she's insulted. She can't believe he told her she's just there to make out with guys. Ahem. Says the woman who has sex with two guys before the fantasy suites. (Or maybe it's one before and one during. Details, details.)

She's sitting there on the seat where Ian left her when Irving R. Levine comes to the rescue. (That'd be Nick in his bow tie.) Holding her hand, he says, "If it means anything, I want everything Ian says he wants and I'm still here. I want everything you're here for." Ahem. Plowing fields? Wish granted, good sir. He bites her finger.

Those five hippy bracelets don't really match with the bow tie, do they?

Now the other guys are realizing Nick is up there talking to Kaitlyn even though he already has a rose. They stew over it instead of just going up and talking to her themselves. Individually, I mean.

Finally Shawn takes the bull by the horns and goes up to talk to her. He walks in on Nick and Kaitlyn kissing. He walks away, looking ill.

Kaitlyn says she's going to be kissing guys and guys are going to be kissing her. To her, intimacy is an important part of a relationship. Oh, don't we know it, honey. She doesn't care what people say or think, but intimacy is important. She knows she's the make-out bandit.

She returns to the guys and tells them about Ian. She tells them Ian called her shallow. Then Chris Harrison rings his glass and takes her away. It's rose ceremony time.

There are six roses to be handed out, but three fellas already have them so they'll only be losing two more guys. Those pre-rosed are Ben Aitch, Irving R. Levine, and Shawn.

They're at the Alamo in San Antonio. Harrison tells her that it's a very special rose ceremony for him because they're in his home state. And he's a narcissist.

I hope JJ finally goes home. Who else? Justin. Those are my predictions. Or wishes, anyway. Let's see what she does:

  1. Love-Man Jared
  2. Dr. Cupcake
  3. JJ the Cocky Puck. There goes that idea.
  4. Moonshine Joe
  5. Zed
  6. Tissue Tanner
So that leaves Justin and Joshua as the odd men out. That's kind of like JJ, right? Close enough: J and J.

Harrison tells the rest they're going to Dublin, Ireland. Is this the first time the show's been to Ireland?Anyway, they celebrate and outside the Alamo walls, Joshua hears them, adding insult to injury.

Now we get a bunch of upcoming highlights as if the show is over, but we're only 34 minutes into it. They've got to get back on schedule with the rose ceremony at the end of the show.

It's the first time Moonshine Joe has been out of the country. Why does that not surprise me? There's a full-sized leprochaun on the street as they toast being in Ireland with a Guinness.

Jared's got to do something with that patchy beard. Either grow it or shave it. But that's his new nickname: Patches.

The first one-on-one date is looming. She says it's with someone who really stepped up his game at the last cocktail party. Who could that be besides Nick? There's no date card. She lets them know in person the date starts right now. Tanner, Nick, Joe and JJ have not had one-on-one dates before but it's going to Nick as expected. He has ten minutes to get ready.

That was a ballsy move by Kaitlyn. She knows the other guys are jealous of Nick. Why wouldn't she just announce it anonymously through a date card instead of looking so happy in front of them all when she tells them it's Nick?

Nick says, "It looks like I just got lucky in Dublin!" They've got to rerun this quote after the sexy time they share.

JJ is doing his best to get plenty of air time with his stupid quotes. He says Shawn needs a screaming pillow in his room so he can scream and punch something. "He just needs a good cry," says the guy who blubbered when his boyfriend Clint left.

Dublin has always been on Kaitlyn's bucket list. And apparently her fuck it list, too.

She and Nick stroll through a park. He doesn't know about her pigeon phobia. She's had it since she was a kid and she says it's gotten worse. She can't stand the flapping. Nick says they may never go to a park again. Inexplicably, she has two bird tattoos; one on each elbow. At least she can't see them.

Then comes my phobia: Irish dancing. They're doing it in the street. Just as I was thinking I'd like to go to Ireland, this. No more.

Nick bought them both rings from a vendor on the street. They wear them on their wedding fingers. Can't wait to see the guys' reaction to that.

Then it's time for a Guinness in an Irish pub, making sure all stereotypes are covered. And they make out at the bar. Get a room, you guys!... Oh, that's coming.

He bites her lower lip and she talks about their passionate chemistry. Too much.

Meanwhile, back at wherever the rest of the guys are staying, a group date card arrives. There are two guys left out, meaning a two-on-one. Further meaning either JJ or Joe will be going home. (Please let it be JJ!) He's already cockily predicting victory so that looks good. He says, "I kind of hurt for Joe right now. I've really tried to stay under the radar in terms of my connection with Kaitlyn. I've got an inner confidence right now." But maybe we won't even get to that depending on what happens with Nick's sexy time.

But we're not done with Nick. Not by a long shot! This is one of the most magical dates Kaitlyn's been on.  They sit down to dinner in what looks like a cathedral with candles and stained glass windows all around. Kaitlyn says she thinks it's good that Nick's done this before but she worries that other people judge him for that. Hell yeah, we do! If he's such a catch, why can't he find love back in his real life? Maybe he needs the juice of dating a minor celebrity. He can't be with normal people anymore. Or they with him, perhaps.

They kiss some more. Blech. She says she really likes Nick and she believes him and trusts him. He says it's such a great thing when you can't keep your hands off someone, and I believe it. At the same time, it's such an opposite of great thing for us to have to witness it. He whispers, "I'm feeling for you" as they neck. She gives him the rose and they kiss some more. This is like soft core porn. And they haven't even shtupped yet!

She says she doesn't want the date to end and slyly asks if he wants to go back to her hotel room to "hang out for a bit." He says, "Are you kidding me?!" More kissing to seal the deal. She says she forgets there are cameras. I really wish she hadn't forgotten that.

On the way back to the hotel, they kiss some more. She wraps her legs around him. Not sure if he carried her like that back to the room but I'd like to think so.

They keep the kissing up on the hotel room sofa. They duck-lip kiss each other. Then they recline a bit, lips still pressed together. Throughout this, they keep cutting back to Shawn and Patches talking about the trust factor with Nick. Jared says he just wishes Kaitlyn is having a "fucking good time" with him. Maybe a leprochaun overheard him and granted him his wish.

Nick really loves kissing one lip at a time. Kaitlyn whispers, "Come with me." She leads him to the boudoir and they shut the door. I hope the camera crew stays outside the door so we can hear the throes of passion.

And in fact we can! Because this isn't a fantasy suite situation, their mikes are still on. Nick tells her, "This is great." She says, "I feel good about it all." He says, "I never want this to end." She says, "I know." Then the line of the night: "I want to know every part of you." So cheesy! But her spleen is excited, I'm sure.

Somewhere, Andi is experiencing deja vu.

I feel dirty listening to them. Or reading the subtitles, anyway. She says, "I could get a hold of you." Not sure what that means, but he says, "Come here." Then she lets out a little groan and ecstatic exhale. Are their mics still on them? They could have easily taken them off and buried them under clothes in a bottom drawer.

Shawn worries that Nick's been in this position before and knows what to do. Patches, the eternal optimist, says they've just got to trust Kaitlyn. Funny Jared.

The next morning they show us shots of birds and bees. Well played, team, well played. Nick slinks out down the hall, jacket slung over his shoulder. Kaitlyn on the balcony smiles.

She characterizes their date as "romantic" and "sweet." She felt like they deserved that time together. Maybe she thinks the editors will leave out all the hanky-panky. She's acting like it was just a normal date. And maybe it was for her. We don't know.

On the balcony, she asks no one in particular, "Has this ever happened before?" She says she doesn't want it to be an issue. Fair enough, Lady Kait. I'm sure all your other boyfriends will be understanding.

She hints at the genital entanglement saying, "The off-camera time that I had with Nick was unexpected. It came out of nowhere and it was great. But waking up in the morning, I am definitely feeling guilt." She says she's trying to put herself in the other guys' shoes by imaging how she would have felt if Chris and Britt had sex. But she doesn't feel guilt over the act of copulation, just over caring about the other relationships she has.

On the balcony, she says it would ruin everything if Nick mentioned it to the others. So you know what's coming.

Cut to: Nick telling JJ and Joe that Kaitlyn invited him back to her room. Joe tells Nick the same thing happened to Shawn. Nick tries to act cool but his eyes showed, "What the hell? What did you say?" To the camera he says, "Good for Shawn. It's not my business." Ah, free love.

Cut to: Kaitlyn on the balcony saying, "I will fucking lose it if he says anything."

Cut to: Shawn and others joining the group. You know how Nick is going to play this. He doesn't out and out cop to the copulation though. He matter-of-factly went over the date, ending with the invitation back to her suite where they drank whiskey and talked, adding, "It was intimate." They want us to deduce from that that he outright told them, but he was purposely ambiguous. He could say, "No, I said the talk was intimate." He added, "It was really personal, authentic, and I felt very comfortable. And that was it." Yeah, guys, he totally had personal, authentic and really comfortable sex.

As Kaitlyn is hanging over the balcony, she finally comes to the realization that she shouldn't have done it. It was all bad, she says. It scares her that Nick might tell and at the end of it all, she'll have no one. Although I presume Nick would still be available.

Group sex time... I mean group date time. Harrison meets them saying, "I regret to inform you, the worst has happened. Kaitlyn is dead... For today." The date is to celebrate her life with a traditional Irish wake. They enter a pub and Kaitlyn is lying in a coffin. Creepy but she must be really tired after last night. That's two dates in a row she's been on her back.

Each of the fellas has to toast the "dead" Kaitlyn. They do it in rhyme. Or the first three, anyway. Aitch says she was pecked alive by pigeons. Shawn got in a good jab saying he was sorry she took her own life but he understood because he would have done it, too, if he had to spend the whole day with Nick.

Then Zed asks the others to leave the room, not quite understanding the purpose of a wake. He's all serious. What a downer. Hope he doesn't get the rose for that.

The after party is at the Guinness factory where they drink Guinness. This episode is brought to you by the fine folks at Guinness.

Zed tells her today was super hard for him. She had her arm around him until he said that. But he says it positively and it ends well. She calls him a "teddy bear." They hug, because that's what you do with a teddy bear.

She kisses Jared but it's not quite on a Nick level. She described it as a "hug."

Kaitlyn tells Shawn he seems "off." He denies it. He whips out some photos of his big Irish family. He says, "There's my boy," and I'm trying to remember if I knew he had a kid. The camera pans back to see him with his pet dog. Oh, okay. Then he says, "There's Isla" and it's a picture of a baby girl. Is that his child? They kiss. I mean, Kaitlyn and Shawn.

The rose goes to... drumroll please... Jared. Shawn looks depressed. He feels he's getting mixed messages from her since she told him he's "the one" a couple days ago. He looked for the validation and didn't get it. More drama.

Jared gets some alone time with Kaitlyn. He gets a little surprise. They walk to another cathedral. Or maybe it's the same one. They all kinda look the same. The Cranberries are playing! A band I've heard of! I even know the song they're singing! A first!

Kaitlyn and Jared slow dance and kiss. Kaitlyn's got him wrapped around her finger.

Shawn is taking it hard. He walks off and talks to some dude in a backpack. Who is that guy? Some guy who works on the show, I presume. He tells him he can't do this anymore, that he's about to cry.

He's being pissy, in my opinion. Sure, he's disappointed he didn't get the rose, but there's only one rose to give out. It doesn't mean the others aren't going to get one at the rose ceremony. He says her actions aren't matching up with what she's said to him.

He knocks on her door. Hopefully the maid cleaned up after her night with Nick.

I don't get these interviews they do. If you analyze them, they don't make much sense. He knocks on her door and we see her. He enters. Then we see the interview where she's saying she hopes he's not there to talk about Nick, but she's wearing something completely different. It's doubtful they let him enter, whisk her away and get her changed to interview her about what he might be there for, then bring her back and get her changed into her original clothes to let it play out. So what happens is the interview comes after, maybe even well after, but she speaks as if it's all happening in the moment. I know this is nothing new for this show. Sometimes it's just more obvious than others. But why is she crying over what he might say? Maybe it was even recorded before he showed up.

She bawls, "You make one mistake and you feel like the worst person in the world!" Okay, that's taken completely out of the context of Shawn visiting her. "I didn't mean to do anything that would cause anybody any problems... I can't do this anymore." That interview should end with, "What? He's there just because I gave the rose to Jared instead of him? Oh. Nevermind. Forget I said that."

NOOOOO!!! Another cliffhanger. This nonsense has got to stop. Rose ceremonies go at the ends of shows, not the beginnings.

So no two-on-one date. Hopefully that will happen next week so JJ can finally be put out of our misery.

So that's that. We end seeing Britt talking to her mom about her new "friend." On behalf of everyone, let me just say we don't care.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Surface-level smackdown

Yo, peeps. How's everyone doing? Thanks to Barbara for trying to get more comments in the comments section. It didn't work, but don't let that stop you, Barb! One is better than none. Maybe I should be promoting this more on Twitter. Nah! It's like an exclusive party here. (Although if you want to follow me on Twitter, we're @BachelorBlogger. If you tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and so on, that's six new followers and maybe a few more comments.)

I feel like the guy from Memento every time I sit down to watch. I have no memory of what happened the week before. Only my blog acts as the tattoos. I have to go back and read it to get back into the swing. I don't even recognize half the guys.

But I do recognize Nick! He's back. He enters the quiet room of guys and acts like he's been there all along. The other guys don't act like that, though. They grill him. They're seated like Nick is at a press conference. Tissue Tanner asks if he's chasing his 16th minute of fame. Burn! Not sure what the answer was. The guy says it seems odd that he hung out with Kaitlyn a month ago and it didn't work out but he's here now.

Joshua has a problem with Nick calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick" rather than an "awesome woman." Nick says she's both. Got him on a technicality.

Everyone's sulking. They sit in stony silence facing him. He just hopes they can respect why he's there. I don't respect why any of them are there so I'm not singling out Nick.

The group date goes to Shea Stadium. They called it Citi Field, home of the Mets, but I've always known the home of the Mets as Shea Stadium.

Or is it a group date? Maybe not. Looks like everyone is there. Why is that? This is anarchy!

JJ the Cocky Puck takes Kaitlyn out to the baseball field, where he picks her up and runs around the bases. Homerun! Also looks like he's wearing pink socks and brown shoes from what I can tell. In loving memory of Rooftop Clint, in all probability.

One by one, the guys tell Kaitlyn they're not happy with the whole Nick situation. Shawn says this is a turning point for their relationship. He says he'd hoped she was smarter. "This guy's full of shit, 110%." She asks if he can trust her. He's not reassuring her. She says she really likes Nick but her worst nightmare is coming through. It's going to be a really difficult rose ceremony.

Ah, so this is the rose ceremony, not a group date. I'm slow on the uptake.

Seems quick for a ceremony for old Nickster. Then again, we haven't had one in two episodes. They stand on the field shivering, the roses atop a bucket of baseballs on the pitching mound. Who has roses already? That'd be Balloon Boy Justin, Love-Man Jared, and Dr. Cupcake. The rest go in order to:

  1. Aitch
  2. Zed
  3. Shawn
  4. Tissue Tanner
  5. Moonshine Joe
  6. Run Ian Run
  7. Cocky Puck
  8. Steel Rose Joshua
  9. Nick the Possible Prick
Who's leaving? That'd be Detroit Jonathan, Ryan, and Corey. I think. They didn't really say.

If Nick's done anything on this show so far, he's taken the heat off the cad JJ, the Cocky Puck. All of a sudden he's a popular guy in the house. But let's not forget what a jerkface he really is. Can we all agree to remember that?

Now they're in San Antonio, Texas. Remember the Alamo? I don't.

A date card arrives under the door. Aitch gets a one-on-one. Looks like they're going for a walk because the card said, "Let's take our love one step at a time."

Nope, they go driving in an old red truck. I guess they're going to step on it. It's a Ford pick-up, according to manly man Steel Rose Joshua, who would know.

Ah, that "one step at a time" thing was because they're entering a two-stepping contest. Kaitlyn is a dance teacher, apparently, in Vancouver but she's only two-stepped a couple of times. Still, I'm sure she'll be fine even though she says she's nervous. If you can dance, you can dance.

I can't believe there's a whole dance movement based on quick-quick-slow-slow. Seems limiting. They last the first song, but get tapped out of the competition during the second number. But they looked like a nice couple together. They sit on the back of the pick-up and quick-quick-slow-slow kiss.

A new date card arrives back at the hotel. It's a group date and Nick is included, meaning Shawn will get a one-on-one later.

The evening with Aitch continues first, though. There's no way he won't get the rose. He opens up and talks about his long-distance romance. Sure enough, he's offered – and accepts – the rose. They seal it with a kiss. "He's exactly who I want to be with," she says, before adding, "in this moment."

The group date sees a 12-year-old enter with a mariachi band singing Ay-yi-yi-yi, a song I knew as the Frito Bandito song in commercials. I guess it's a real song, too. The challenge for the guys is to write their own mariachi song and perform them outside in public.

Moonshine Joe comes up with the clever(ish) lyric, "Kaitlyn, will you mariachi me?" The kid singer asks where his serious side is. Buzzkill.

Joshua keeps saying Nick's presence is taking time away from him. I don't think that logic holds up under scrutiny but that's just my intuition.

The guys walk down the street dressed in black with big black sombreros, looking like the Ten Amigos.

Jared actually sings the Frito Bandito song. I'm sure the musicians there appreciated that.

Run Ian Run is by far the worst. He's hard on himself, heaving a heavy sigh saying he choked yet again. Joshua, too, thinks he sucked but doesn't take it so seriously.

Nick one-ups the others by taking Kaitlyn up to a balcony to serenade her, but he's horrible. He definitely needed a gimmick to stand out. "We have such a great connection/ it gives me a huge erection," he sang. With a lot of Bachelorettes, that wouldn't go over. But Kaitlyn loves it. Most of the guys think it's pretty good, too. All except Joshua.

At night they're in a ranch. Joshua takes her aside and gets Kaitlyn to cut his hair for some inexplicable reason. He says, "You're a barber, right?" She's confused (as am I). Because she's not. At least I don't think she is. He blindfolds himself because otherwise he'd see what's going on on the side of his head even though there are no mirrors in sight.

She starts in with the razor, buzzing the side of his head. But only one side. Now at least he has the haircut to match his crazy talk.

Nick wastes no time. He kisses her without any needless talking. But they finally stop to talk. He tells her none of the guys has been rude to his face. When he heads back to the common room, he returns to silence. Joshua finally speaks up. "I'm having a helluva hard time trusting you," he tells Nick. Nick tells him he doesn't need to trust him. But Josh can't pinpoint what he doesn't like about Nick. It's just dude's intuition.

Then Joshua takes more of Kaitlyn's time. They sit in the rustic old church and he tells her what he can't stand about Nick. He says Nick talks about his season with Andi all the time. But Joshua admits that it's just intuition, then adds that not one person likes Nick. She says, "So everyone's lying to my face?" Uh, not quite everyone, Kaitlyn. Remember earlier when Shawn said Nick was "full of shit, 110%"? Anyway, it's stressing her out. He tells her to talk to Tanner, Shawn, Zed and they'll all agree that it doesn't seem right. Now Kaitlyn is questioning everyone.

Joshua came back and claimed he was in an interview and not with Kaitlyn. Now the tides are turning against the Welder. The others knew what was up, that he was talking to her again.

Kaitlyn enters and tells the guys she's having a real issue. She asks if everyone's being honest with her. She asks point blank if Joshua thinks everyone's being honest with her. He says, "I like to think so." She confronts him, saying he just told her moments ago that the guys weren't being honest with her. He says he hopes the others aren't going to hang him out to dry. So he's implicating them.

Zed says all's peachy keen. Josh says they just spoke at the bus how goofy the situation is. Zed says all wide-eyed, "What are you talking about?" Who's the liar?

Kaitlyn tells them she's not kidding around. She's looking for a husband. (Okay, so she's lying, too, but it's in the spirit of the show.) She picks up the rose and gives it to Nick, saying she has to trust her heart. Boom! The new guy gets it. Joshua is feeling pretty low. Shoulda kept his fat trap shut, he thinks. Was he telling the truth? Probably, but the truth shall set you free from the show.

Now's the big day for Shawn. It's his one-on-one date. Shawn doesn't trust Nick and thinks he's there for the wrong the reasons and plans to tell Kaitlyn. Obviously the guys didn't talk to him about the group date.

Proof it's been done before
They go kayaking, something nobody gets to do, Kaitlyn says. I think she may be wrong on this one. Pretty sure people have kayaked before.

Sitting on the bank of the river, Shawn says he felt bad for Joshua last night. He tells her there were guys that probably didn't speak up. She doesn't seem so mad with him like she was with Joshua even though they basically said the same thing.

Later he tells her about a horrific car accident he was in five or six years ago. The doctors hadn't seen anyone survive an accident like that. He says he never wore his seatbelt until that day. He put it on and two minutes later got in the accident. Clearly the message here is that seatbelts are bad luck.

They kiss awkwardly and he tells her that he's falling in love with her. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! Kaitlyn feels like it was her husband telling her that. She whispers back that she's feeling the same way. He gets the rose, they hop in a canoe and there are fireworks. Literally. She says he's the guy she gave the first rose to, and can't wait to give more roses to him, and may give the final rose to him.

Run Ian Run can't understand why Kaitlyn wouldn't want a Princeton graduate, former model who defied death. Normally girls like him. He's a catch, he says. He's good looking and smart, he says. He lobbies for being the next Bachelor, saying he'd be better choosing from 25 women. I'm sure the Twitterverse is exploding with tweets in support of Ian for Bachelor. All ironic.

Cocktail party time. Aitch, Nick and Shawn are safe. Joshua is choking up at his gaffe. He's yet another contestant who hasn't clued in from all the past seasons that it never pays to speak truth to love. He doesn't want to leave. If he gets sent home he'll be devastated. But I think we know where this is heading.

Run Ian Run is looking defeated. He says, "Tonight is the pivotal moment of the entire situation. I know Kaitlyn is not interested in me. There's not a chance this situation will work out. I'm pretty over it." He says Kaitlyn wants to hear the truth but can't handle it. "She's not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend," he says. He's clearly falling apart.

Nick is wearing a bow tie, emulating his hero Irving R. Levine, no doubt. Good thing he already has a rose. That would be a deal breaker, I'm sure.

Jared tells her he feels like he's falling in love with her. She whispers that that makes her happy to hear, but doesn't say she's feeling that way, too. They go into a room and fall down on a bed filled with rose petals. They kiss.

But wait. Why is there a bed with rose petals at the cocktail party? That's usually saved for the Fantasy Suite. This smacks of entrapment. They're trying to sucker Kaitlyn into doing sexual intercourse to someone.

Interspersed with her romp with Jared is Run Ian Run revealing his true self with every word that falls out of his brain. He says, "My patience is at the end. Against all of my logic, Kaitlyn doesn't want someone like me and it's just making me look bad." (Actually, he's doing a pretty good job of that himself.) "It's frustrating. ... I bring so much more to the table than any of these guys here. I have a good job, a good education, charsima, brains, looks. If that wasn't impressive enough then I don't know what else is impressive here. ... I could be the Bachelor. I think I'm a very eligible Bachelor in this country and in this world. I am an enigma and who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life."

Lobbying to be the next Bachelor already? Oh, Ian. I pity your sweet naivety. You've got a worse chance that Juan Pablo coming back at this point.

Outside Kaitlyn kisses Moonshine Joe and the guys see it. Ian the Gift unravels ever so coolly because he's a cool guy, as he'll be the first to tell us. He says, "I'm not here to be with Kaitlyn. I don't find Kaitlyn interesting. Kaitlyn just seems like she wants to make out with a bunch of people and have a good time." (Close-up of Kaitlyn kissing Joe.) "I'm not here just to have a good time. I have a good time in my own life. I meet chicks and I have a lot of sex in my own life." (Yet he felt the need to find love on The Bachelorette. Now tell me again who's there for the right reason.)

Enough? Not even! There's more!

"I'm in a place where everybody is bowing down to this girl. It's terrible. I need to get my confidence back because it just got [bleeping] run over by a train here. So when I talk to Kaitlyn, I don't plan on holding anything back tonight. I'm going out guns blazing, son."

We'll see about that.

Nope, he was right. That's exactly what he did.

He takes her aside and gives her a dose of the honesty she says she craves. It starts with the small talk as they walk down the hall. He asks, "How's San Antonio?" She says, "I love it. Are you loving it?" He says, "No."

And we're off!

Let's put the pause button to good use because this needs to be written out so you can let it soak in. I'm not sure we've ever heard anything quite like it on this show.
"I heard what you said about being honest with you. You told me to share my feelings with you. I look around the house and I look at you and I feel like everybody's kind of on vacation from life. And for me, this isn't a vacation. I came here for love. And I came here to find a wife. And it's really difficult for me hanging around a group of guys that are just making fart jokes, making poop jokes, making sex jokes, and [inaudible]. That's what works for you but that's not what works for me. It's that surface-level stuff that I really try to break through. And that deep person is who I am." 
"I know," Kaitlyn interjects softly as she sits there squeezing her lips together as she is wont to do. 
"And it's tough for me because I came here expecting to meet the girl that had her heart broken and was devastated by Chris Soules, not the girl that wanted to get her field plowed. Really, I feel like I found that there's still that girl. I feel like you're here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV. Bringing Nick in, I don't question his intentions; I question your intentions. I really see you as a surface-level person at this stage. And I wonder if you're really that shallow because I don't see anything beyond the surface."
To Be Continued... of course.

Great stuff from Ian, especially considering he spoke of all the sex he gets any time he wants back home.

The next episode should be a doozy. Not only will we see her reaction to the Gift that Keeps Unwrapping, but it's also the episode she sexes someone.