Episode six: No surprises

Pre-show thought: So tonight’s the night Jillian turfs bartender Robby. That is, if we can believe the snippet ABC-TV released last week. The clip was to show what a cad Wes really is. It showed him saying how he’s got Jillian wrapped around his finger and he’s basically there to sell records. Yeah, thanks for that tip, ABC. We had no idea.

But during the clip, Jill mentions letting Robby go. I can only hope it was classic misdirection. If not, I really don’t get ABC. Granted the show’s not a PBS mystery, but there still should be some surprises. The network has to gain some confidence in their franchise. We’re not going anywhere during the commercials. Quit worrying about that. Use that time wasted on upcoming highlights and give us more of the show.

Okay, rant over. Let’s recap tonight's episode.

Eight fellas start out the episode, but only five stick around. Or maybe six. And maybe a seventh. But those are all on future shows, according to the upcoming series highlights. Not to beat a dead horse, but you had us with hello. That is, viewers are with the series no matter what drama unfolds. We don’t need teasers.

Jeez, I thought the rant was over. Sorry about that.

Okay, so the ninesome takes off on a train ride through the Rockies. A private train. And a long train. How could they afford to free up the whole locomotive just for a TV series? But then I realized it was free advertising. I know it made me want to take that trip.

Jillian pats everyone’s bums as they board. Via voiceover, she tells us she still misses Ed and will probably miss him forever. Foreshadowing? Big time. The show told us at the end of the night that in future episodes, someone comes back and gets down on one knee. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but she said this on the final rose ceremony day:

“When I woke up this morning, I was very sure that I was going to be an engaged woman by the end of the day. I knew who it was going to be with and I was so excited. And then the guy that was so difficult to let go comes through the door and wants to sweep me off my feet. He got down on one knee to propose. And I owe it to myself to take some time to think about this.”

The guy that was so difficult to let go. Hmm. So far, that spells Ed and only Ed. Of course, it could be someone she lets go between now and then. I hope so only because she didn’t get to know Ed at all, so that would be quite the leap to go directly to a proposal.

Okay, back to the present. The first one-on-one date is with the doomed Robby. No need to get into this because we’ve known for a week that he was toast. That’s my protest. I won’t write about this segment, or any other that we know in advance. I hope other bloggers fall in line. Are you with me, people? Bachelor/ette Bloggers of the world, unite!

Rant alert: In this segment, they edited Jillian’s comments so as to pretend to keep us in suspense, but why bother? She said of Robby, “On the one hand, he makes me feel young, makes me laugh... “ but there’s no “on the other hand”. They didn’t want us to hear the negative, so we might think he's going to get a rose, but there was no surprise whatsoever. You ruined it for yourselves, producers, not just us.

Phew. All this ranting is getting to me. it’s too bad I’m taking this stand because I had lots to say on the segment. And my line on the Descant family curse was one for the ages. But you’ll never get to hear it.

It’s neat to see Wes turning out to be the jerk I thought he was from the very first episode. And I kind of like how open he is about it and how Jillian can’t see it. The guy can do no wrong in her eyes. When he snuggles up to her after she threw Robby from the train, he tells her, “I just want more time with you”, and she melts. Of course he wants more time with her. That’s more camera time, baby!

And then we get a clip of the train going through a tunnel. Get it, get it?!

***

The group date sees creepy Tanner, jerk Wes, goofy Michael, winey Jesse, hunky Kiptyn and perfect Jake go snowshoeing. Creep alert: Tanner gets excited about getting close to Jillian’s booted feet.

In a brief tete-a-tete with Jake, Jillian looks really stiff. Maybe because the Oedipal Jake tells her she’s a lot like his mom. Just what every party girl wants to hear. After that bit of awkwardness, he begins to tell her what he feels he needs to tell her... and the other guys come out to rescue Jill. Jillian immediately perked up and invited them out. She sensed a very uncomfortable kiss coming up and couldn't have been happier to see the other guys. The uncomfortable kiss would come later.

Jillie Bean looked way more natural with Kiptyn. And he didn’t waste any time with the kiss. She jumped right in there. Maybe that’s why the producers feel the need to generate fake drama because she’s such an open book. Her come-hither eyes give it away every time.

In this segment, we also learn what Jillian wears to bed. Or at least what she says she wears to bed. On a normal night, she’ll wear a t-shirt and underwear. If she’s had too much to drink, it’ll just be underwear. My guess is that’s the real normal.

It was at this point that creepy Tanner got creepier, if that’s possible. When asked what he wears to bed, instead of saying “underwear”, he did the Half Monty. He dropped his drawers and showed everyone his underwear. For some reason, ABC censors felt the need to pixilate his tighty whiteys. Jillian said she’s not ready to see anybody’s package yet, but admitted his was huge. Go figure.

In his private talk with Jill, Tanner loses himself in her naked feet yet again. The guy simply cannot keep a thought in his head when he’s got those toes in his sight. He says, “Her feet are ridiculous. They’re the closest thing to perfect and I’ve critiqued a lot of feet.” As she’s talking about something else, he interrupts, telling her that her feet are as “soft as shit”. Creepy and classy. Nice. At least he’s got a big package. Then he says, “Now that I’ve felt how soft her feet are, I want her to meet my family.” Priceless! There’s no way he's taking any calloused-footed girl home to meet mom.

Hey, how many of these guys are from Texas? Robby was. Wes is. Tanner is. Jake is. They can’t get a single Canadian in, but all these Texans?

***

Jillian’s got the look of love going with Jesse, too. They kiss long and hard. I think the lush is actually trying to suck more wine off his tongue.

Michael is falling hard. He says he’s known amongst the others as the young crazy guy who makes everyone laugh. I still have seen no evidence of that. Show me the funny! Jillian worries about his age. She should because she looks like his mother next to him.

On this group date, Kiptyn gets the rose.

Jake is disappointed in himself and thinks he might not get a rose. I thought he was right at the time, and he didn’t. But he got Jillian alone and told her he hadn’t been honest with her. Ooh, how intriguing, I thought. All he wanted to say, though, was that he likes her a lot and everything is just lining up. Where was the dishonesty? So much for perfection. He doesn’t even know the difference between honesty and openness.

But he does get his kiss. Jill quickly puts a stop to it and switches it into a hug, which, in the moment, can seem like a deeper action, but it’s not. It’s a you’re-grossing-me-out move. Poor Jake doesn’t realize it. He says in voiceover that he wants to marry her and he means that with everything that he is. Whatever that means.

***

Her last date of the episode is with Reid, who won me over in this episode with his neuroses. First off, he couldn’t decide whether he should wear glasses and/or a hat on his date. His advice, courtesy of a staffer on the Rocky Mountaineer, was neither. It seemed to work. Then he admitted he’s a little bit of a hypochondriac, which I can relate to. But refreshingly so, I thought. The guy doesn’t give stock answers. He’s himself and he’s actually funny in a way that Michael could only dream of being. Plus he reminds me a lot of Michael Keaton.

He has a droll sense of humour, which I always appreciate. When Jillian points out his red ears on the slopes, he says it’s a sign of high blood pressure or horniness. With a straight face, he tells her he just has high blood pressure. Ka-boom! They kiss and it doesn’t turn into a hug.

Despite my man-crush on him, the other guys seem not to like him all that much. The only one who likes him is Tanner, and even he calls Reid neurotic. Which one is the pot and which one is the kettle?

Jillian isn’t sure what she has in common with Reid (as if that makes any difference in the world). But she wants him to experience one of her happy places. Ahem.

She likes that he’s open and honest about his neuroses. That’s because she already likes him, you see, so it doesn’t matter what he says or does. Which also explains Wes. And, in a reverse way, Jake. She says you can throw away a list of what you want in a partner if you connect with someone (take note, all you list-making, online-dating folks). Then they tease each other about not being each others’ types. I like their chemistry. And if he gets to her happy place, I'm sure the biology will be good, too.

She says she can’t keep her hands off Reid, but wonders how he fits into her life. Ahem.

His que sera, sera perspective about the future seems to work for Jillian, too. He gets rosed.

***

In Banff, we meet up with Chris, who grills Jill about the bachelors. Chris asks leadingly about Wes being a musician and the stigma associated with that. But blissfully ignorant Jillian says Wes doesn’t know how to lie. Ah, the unintentional comedy. I take it back. It’s not the worst season ever.

But let’s cut to the chase. At the rose ceremony, Jillian says she has a few questions she needs to ask, so she “borrows” Michael for a second. I can’t remember which other season when this happened, but I predicted both right. When someone gets taken away during the rose ceremony to be asked a few questions, that person always gets a rose. He told her he’s not a guy that needs to know a lot of girls and admitted he’s never had a one-night stand. I was thinking that wasn’t the smart thing to say to Jillian, who’s probably had more than she even remembers (thanks to alcohol). But it worked and Michael got rosed.

With Kiptyn and Reid already rosed, Jillian handed out three more, one of which went to Michael. The other two went to Jesse and Wes. Yes, freakin’ Wes. Just as my first commenter of the season told me. I never doubted you, Anonymous. You’ll always be my Deep Throat.

That means Tanner and Jake are gonzo. Tanner can barely look at her as he says his goodbye. He was heartbroken, saying, “She wouldn’t have let me rub her feet by the fireplace if she was scared off by my foot fetish.” And he drops the f-bomb three times. And the ‘f’ wasn’t for foot. Or fetish. Or freak, which he is.

Gentleman Jake approached and Jillian whispered, “I wish I could be the woman for you.” He asked her to quickly tell him why he was being let go and she said she just wasn’t ready, but didn’t know why. [Editor's note, who also happens to be the writer: Jillian actually said it just wasn't right. Thanks to eagle-eared reader Rachel.] He told us that he knows Wes a lot better than she knows him and she will get hurt and he will break her heart. Then he plays the pity card: “Nice guys finish last. It’s been the story of my life.” Next bachelor? Oh yeah.

And to help ruin the surprise for us, we learn in the upcoming highlights that Gentleman Jake will return to confront Wes. Oh good. Otherwise I’d never have tuned back in to the show.