Miss Emily and the Bermuda Polygon

First off, a mea culpa. I was called to task in the comments section last week for some snarky comments I made about the south. It's just fun with stereotypes. Where are we as a people if we can't make fun of each other for stupid stereotypes? As it happens, I also happen to be from the south. Sure, the south of Canada, but still. We're all one.

What did everyone... Sorry, let me rephrase that both to appease my commenter and as a tribute to Miss Emily... What did y'all think about the latest episode? A little on the dull side? And in case the producers are watching, it's not that the boys are too nice so don't go back to the drawing board to bring in more villains next season. In fact, that's part of the dullness – the predictability of the villains. There's always somebody there for the wrong reasons; always somebody who doesn't have the best intentions; always someone who doesn't get along with the rest. Been there, done that. I think I'd like to see a house full of good guys and how they react with each other with so much at stake. At least then there would be real conflict and tougher choices to make.

This week saw the gang in Bermuda. Cue the requisite Bermuda Triangle references throughout even though with all the fellas it's clearly a Bermuda Polygon. Little Ricki and her nanny made the trip and it was nice to see Miss Emily, fully made up in make-up and gown, help her with her homework. She's the June Cleaver of a new generation. All she had to do to complete the image was add an apron and do some vacuuming.

The show started with Daddy Doug getting a tad defensive over some good-natured ribbing he took for being so paranoid about getting a rose on his one-on-one date. The guys were right: it's so easy to push his buttons. I thought they were quite funny and benign. Arie jabbed, "You sound nervous," which brought Dougie out of his seat to say, "Let it go, bro." Hmm, you think he sounds nervous at all? Nah.

Putting his life on hold

I've said it before and I'll say it again, but if I hear another person say they've put their entire life on hold to be on the show, I'm going to puke. Figuratively. And maybe literally if I've coincidentally eaten some bad food or gotten a flu bug. Doug said it this time. Do these people never take holidays? Next time you go somewhere for a few weeks, I want you all (sorry, y'all) to say you've put your life on hold to be there. In fact, next time you have to excuse yourself to go sit on the toilet, tell everyone you're going to put your life on hold for a few minutes. We can make that the next euphemistic catch-phrase.

On his date, Miss Emily asked Daddy Dougie – almost prophetically – if he ever has bad days. To his credit, he mentioned he just had one. Still, though, Miss Em believes the guy is damn-near perfect. He's the Teflon Dad. He does seem like a decent and normal guy, but if he got that riled up over some teasing, who knows what he's capable of unleashing behind closed doors when things don't go his way.

Together, they wrote a postcard to Daddy Dougie's son, Austin. Miss Emily wrote, "I hope we can play Lego some time." That's probably a big clue right there that she plans on keeping him around because you don't mess with a kid's emotions like that if you have no plans to ever even meet him. But also, Lego? She's a better mom than I'll ever be. Once the Lego comes out, I say the kid's on his own.

Oh, and the couple walked under some sort of magical passageway that grants wishes. Out of all the wishes in the world, Miss Emily wished she wouldn't be single forever. That's right, perhaps the hottest Bachelorette ever wasted a wish on something that would come true regardless.

Miss Emily still had qualms about Daddy Dougie's seeming perfectness. She asked him what his ex-girlfriend would say is the worst thing about him. He's obviously been in a lot of job interviews because he answered that he spends too much time with his son. Miss Emily, sharp one that she is, saw right through that. I like her gumption. She recognized that as a humblebrag and told him to think of a better answer. So he came up with that he didn't clean his ex's car enough! Yeah, that's it! That's his worst aspect. No wonder she dumped him. Bastard.

But he threw the question back at Miss Emily, who responded that some days she stays in her pajamas all day. Sign me up, he replied. But it's not like she just lounges at home; she'll go out and do her errands wearing her PJs. Hmm... what do I think about that? I think she's hot enough to pull that off. Another ten years and she'll just be the embarrassing mother. I also thought it's a good thing she didn't tell Ryan this. There's no way he'd put up with his trophy wife looking like that.

But that's not all. She also claimed to be stubborn. Oh, and she doesn't work out. I have no idea how she looks like that then. And later in the show she mentioned going to the gym. But maybe she just goes to the gym to hang around and look good.

Of course Daddy Dougie got the rose. All that worry for naught. It was at that point that he started thinking about kissing Miss Emily. That's all. Just thought about it. His grandpappy told him that if a woman wants to be kissed, she'll let it be known. "I never make the first move. Ever," he said. "If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know she wants a kiss." We'll see how far that gets him. Miss Emily later admitted she wanted the juvenile One-F Jef to kiss her, and he didn't. Fellas, if you get the chance to kiss a beauty like Miss Emily, you gotta do it. Chances are you're not going to be the winner. You could end up like poor Nate who got booted from the 2-on-1 date. The poor sap had a huge crush on Miss Emily and was sent home before he could do anything about it. You've got to create those memories when the chance arises. Cop a feel. Do something because you're going home.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Next up was the group date. Miss Emily put the boys in a sailing competition even though, as she said, "I hate watching guys compete." So good call on the date, then. The winning team was made up of Sleazy Ryan ("I'm romantic and I'm athletic and I'm a good catch"), Speed Racer Arie, One-F Jef, and Kaptain Kalon. Charlie cried in the van ride back to the hotel, saying, "I'm so embarrassed." Well, he should be now.

Only the winners got to pass the evening with Miss Emily. One-F Jef not only looks like a little boy, he talks like one, too, sprinkling his conversation with "like" every other word while not making any kind of overture to the woman of his wet dreams. Meanwhile, Sleazy Ryan stayed classy, saying he has a lot of depth to him and a mature approach to relationships. When Miss Em again brought up the scenario where she's a fat, out-of-shape mom too busy raising kids to look after herself, Sleazy Ryan flashed that smile and said, "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman."

Inexplicably, the rose went to One-F Jef. Ryan correctly identified it as being a "safe move." I am not looking forward to witnessing Jef's first ever kiss next week, let me tell you that.

The 2-on-1 was between Wolfman John and Nate. I already told you how that ended up. No need to go into detail because they didn't. This date got the least coverage of any date in the show's history, I think. They had dinner in a cave ("Who knew Bermuda had all this going on?" gushed Miss Em) and Wolfman John is ready to settle down because all his friends are doing it. That's all you need to know. And the Wolfman got the rose.

At the cocktail party, One-F Jef's confidence was so sky-high he could do anything. So he chose to dress like a junior Alpine Yodeller, wearing jacket, tie, walking shorts and blue knee socks. Looked like he was there to date Heidi.

We know Speed Racer Arie is a frontrunner because every time it's his turn with Miss Emily, the soft guitar music comes on. When he asked her what she thinks of him, Miss Emily revealed that when she's by herself sitting on the porch, she thinks of him. He stroked her knee. But Ryan says he doesn't see Arie as a threat. And why should he. God has blessed him. Besides, he's got media connections if this doesn't pan out. We know this because he confided in Ponytail Dude. He also said, "God smiles on a man who recognizes his passions and chases his dreams."

Selective Sean got a little less selective when he sat down with Miss Emily. They started smooching like there's no tomorrow. Good strategy because even though he stuck around, it was the rose ceremony and anything could happen. Daddy Dougie, though, remained steadfast in his refusal to make the first move: "I don't need to kiss Emily," he said. Sleazy Ryan, the man who wants his trophy wife to remain beautiful, agreed, saying, "You don't establish a relationship on physicality."

Creepy Chris felt ganged up on over his youthful age. He's only 25 whereas Miss Emily is 26. So he felt the need to give her an intense "I'm ready to settle down" speech. Then he confronted Daddy Dougie outside in a battle of maturity. Doug laughed at everything Chris was trying to say. "You don't get my competitive juices flowing at all," Doug said. "You're over-the-top humble. I just don't believe you half the time," countered Chris.

In a sit-down with host Chris Harrison, Miss Emily was the most open and natural I've ever seen anyone in that position. As soon as I thought that, Harrison said, "I like how candid you are." She told him how manipulative Ryan is. All that did was perk up the producers' ears and they pegged him as a must-stay.

With Wolfman John, One-F Jef and Daddy Dougie all with roses, that left seven more to be flowered, and two to go home. Sticking around for a trip to London, England, next week are:

• Selective Sean
• Speed Racer Arie
• The Egg Man
• Creepy Chris
• Sleazy Ryan
• Kaptain Kalon
• Alejandro/Allessandro

So it's Goodbye Charlie. And see ya later, Michael. Stay gold, Pony Tail. He told us he's never been in love before and cried in the rain. I think that was the first time he's spoken on camera.

Next week, someone calls Little Ricki "baggage". Only not to her face. Or Emily's. Still, she kicks him out, whoever it is. Thanks for the spoiler, jerks.