Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Farmer Chris: Virgin fantasy

Hey, all. Thanks for the bountiful comments last week. I enjoy reading them as they pour in. But I should point out I took no issue with Anon2, other than good-natured ribbing right back at him. We shouldn't look down at him. After all, not everyone can be as eloquent and have as big a vocabulary as us and Kelsey.

You know how I retain next to nothing from week to week with this show, right? So when right off the bat this week Chris says Molly is beautiful, I was sitting there perplexed wondering which one Molly was. Then I realized he said Mali, not Molly. And then later in the show when the graphic came up, I realized it was neither. It was Bali. Chris has to take those marbles out of his mouth. (Note to self: Look up Bali on a map.)

Then we get the upcoming highlights. We see Chris at the rose ceremony asking Virgin Becca to speak to him for a moment. Then we see Vancouver Girl saying, "Oh, shoot" and see Chris returning alone. That can only mean one of two possible things: 1. He dumps her. 2. The complete opposite. You never know with those editors.

There's so much culture in Bali, Chris says marvelling. Then again, Cleveland looks pretty exotic next to Arlington.

Vancouver Girl gets the first date. She greets him with the FLW (Flying Leg Wrap). Then they walk around with baskets on their heads and take a stroll through the streets. He introduces VG to a local as his girlfriend. Have no idea what the lady said back to him. Where are the subtitles when you need them?

Creepy monkeys abound. One hisses at Chris. Chris and VG buy some mini bananas to feed the mangy creatures and they start attacking Chris and peeing on him. Not sure how the pee landed in Chris's armpits, though.

Then they sit and kiss in the forest. I mean Chris and VG, not the monkeys. Although I think I'd rather see monkeys kissing. Vancouver Girl tells Chris how much her family liked him and he giggles. Then they kiss some more. I don't think there's been a Bachelor I enjoy seeing kiss less.

At night, VG tells us she's definitely scared to tell Chris how she's feeling. They sit down at table and kiss again. She shakes from nerves. She says she has a guard up and is trying to think how to let it down. She has a fear of loss stemming from her last relationship. He tells her he's extremely excited about what they have going. Then more icky kissing.

Chris whips out a card. What's this all about?! I wonder what it might say. Oh, it turns out it's an invitation from Harrison to stay in the fantasy suite. What are the odds?! She reads it then answers, "I can't... imagine saying no to that." They agree it's exactly what they need. And kiss some more. She stops shaking and they get up and walk off to the fantasy suite. Gross.

Looking at Vancouver Girl's oddly placed tattoos on the backs of both arms made me think of some news I read last week. A Canadian PhD student has developed a cheap tattoo removal cream that doesn't burn the skin. Here's the news story, in case you missed it. This is for you, Kaitlyn.

Sitting on the bed in the fantasy suite, VG admits she's "completely falling in love" with the Farmer. I'm not buying it. She's totally cosmopolitan, not a farmer's wife. Chris kisses her again and stops to say he's falling in love with her, too. That I buy, but not vice versa.

He takes her into the bedroom and they sit and kiss some more. Then he pulls the blinds, thank God, which is TV code for dirty sex. She says she can see herself with Chris forever. Still not buying it.

Whitney next. He expresses concern after seeing her with sperm that she might not fit in on the farm, but if she doesn't fit, nobody would. She, too, greets him with the FLW. They board a big sail boat and set sail on the Indian Ocean. Chris says it's a beautiful place to fall in love. Who'da thunk it?

This is the first we've seen (or I've noticed) of Cartoon Whitney in short Daisy Duke cut-offs. It's a good look for her.

She talks about her sister, how she loves her but how sis irks her so. Says sis is a lawyer and so always expects the worst. Chris reassures her and they do some more disgusting kissing. Then they jump off the boat. She feels very confident she's going to marry him. And they kiss some more, which garners two thumbs up from the ship's captain and two thumbs down from me.

Even though she's got a helium voice, I get the sense she could be a very tough lady, indeed. Maybe it's the intense stare or the purposeful words or her drive. But I'd be more scared of her than the other two.

At night, Chris brings up his Arlington insecurities, telling her he spends most of his time just hanging out at home alone. He's sweating profusely. She tells him she has the career but she's not fully happy. She wants to be a wife and mom first. If she moves to Arlington, she just wants to have babies. No career. He says he can see her being a part of his life. She finally relaxes and smiles and they kiss some more. He gives her the much-anticipated card.

She's thought a lot about it and she thinks it would be great. She asks him what he thinks. He sweats some more and pretends that they need it, rather than the truth that he just wants to get it on. It looks like a different suite. He and VG must have trashed the other one. He pulls the blinds, indicating it's go time.

Next is the Virgin's turn. She still hasn't told Chris that she's waiting until marriage to have sex. What a letdown this is going to be for Chris. What a waste of a perfectly good fantasy suite.

He does know, however, that she's never been in love before. So let's hash this out. If he assumes she's had sex before, he must have thought it was without love.

They walk around and drink juice from coconuts, high-five kids, and talk to a village medium. The mystic tells them they're a very good couple. She asks if Chris will be a good dad one day. Yes, they will both be good parents. Chris asks what Becca's biggest weakness is. The guy says she's hard to control. In other words, it ain't happening tonight. But then she asks for advice on the night, and the swami says they should make love. Chris giggles and says, "I like this guy!" and pops a boner.

She says she'd be devastated if her virginity is a deal-breaker for Chris. They sit and kiss but thankfully the camera pulls back quickly. But then they stand in some rapids and kiss so we just can't escape it.

Now the big night. She tells the camera she's having very new feelings and it's only natural to want to have sex. But she's not going to say anything to him until the card comes. They have a stilted conversation, as all of Chris's conversations are. The question of Arlington arises again. She says she'd have to be really sure about him and them before she made that move. Honest but probably not helping her cause.

Chris tells her, like he told the other two, how he could see himself spending the rest of his life with her. They kiss. Her mouth is closed the whole time. As are her legs.

Now he gives her the card. Chris looks hopeful as she reads it. She stares at him and we go to commercial. But I'm not going to start a new paragraph because they can't control me! Now her answer: "I would love to spend time with you alone and have more time together. I think it's very important to spend that time and we need to be alone." Chris concurs and they kiss. The tension is building. Still no word from the Virgin about her virginity. They walk hand in hand to a third fantasy suite and toast falling in love. Now the big announcement comes. Why not wait until the cameras leave and tell him in private? (I know, I know. It was hypothetical.)

She tells him she has something very important to share with him. What's he thinking, I wonder? That she has an STD? She pauses for effect. "I am a virgin," she says. He sighs. Then nods. Then smiles. "I respect that in a lot of ways and I'd be lying if I said that... It surprises me. It says a lot about who you are. I'm more interested in figuring out how this would work." She said his response was perfect. She kisses him big time. This time they both pull the curtains. The camera peaks through to see more kissing. She hints that she might put out.

We see her walking alone the next glorious morning. Chris says the overnight date went great. She has everything a man could want, he says. But they woke up and had a serious conversation. Now there are questions. He says, "I have to consider sending either her or Kaitlyn or even Whitney home." Even Whitney? Sounds like Cartoon Whitney's a lock.

Becca sits on the white sands of a beach while Chris gets emotional, saying he wants all three to meet his family. Well, why not? I thought there are no rules this season? He can do what he wants.

Harrison pays him a visit. Chris says he's struggling to know what the right answer is. He could see himself spending the rest of his life with all three. He says it's excruciating. He feels pretty strong about one rose. That'd be the Cartoon, I'm sure. Harrison asks if it's safe to assume he's in love with her. Yes. Yes, it is. But Becca, the one who isn't ready to move to Arlington yet, is the big question mark.

The rose ceremony is at a sacred temple. Everyone's wearing traditional clothing. There are very strict rules, Chris is told. You can hold hands, but no kissing. Thank God. Best move of the season. Chris says he's ready, but there's still a half an hour left in the show. Something's up.

Becca says she's drained emotionally and hasn't slept. She may as well have had sex all night to feel that way.

Chris addresses the trio, telling them the decision he's about to make is nothing but excruciating. Then he heaves three heavy sighs and asks to speak to the Virgin. Never a good sign. They walk off hand in hand. Cartoon Girl tells us the Virgin told her she thought she was going home.

They sit on some steps and talk. Or at least as best as Chris can do. Thankfully Becca does most of the talking. She tells him she's crazy about him. They hint at their pillow talk. I guess the sticking point was Arlington. She says it's not something she's taken off the table completely. But it's a conversation they'd have to have if they go forward. He says he's never doubted their potential. He's talking about his difficult decision.

Vancouver Girl feels guilty about feeling happy about the possibility of the Virgin going home. But here they come, walking back in hand in hand. Vancouver Girl says, "Oh, shoot." Cartoon Girl looks like she's having a hard time concealing her inner rage. There's no shot of Chris walking alone. Those lying editors.

So it's gotta be Vancouver Girl going home. Cartoon Girl is completely caught off guard, but she's got nothing to worry about.

Chris apologizes to them for making them wait and gets on with the business of handing out roses. Here they come:

  1. Cartoon Whitney
  2. Virgin Becca
Vancouver Girl starts to walk away without saying her goodbyes, but Becca reaches out to her and VG doubles back. She's understandably upset but she was never a fit for the Farmer anyway. And besides, third place is a good position to launch one's Bachelorette career from. Although I must say after seeing the Dirty Hippy on Jimmy Kimmel recently, she's probably the frontrunner.

Chris tells VG he's so sorry and hugs her. She stands limp. She asks what happened? He says nothing happened. "Just certain things I don't even understand right now. This has been the most excruciating week of my entire life. I didn't have any idea this would be this hard." Then he stammers some more about it being excruciating. She looks everywhere but at Chris while he's yammering on. She finally lets go and cries in his chest. She said she didn't want to go in the van and "do this." Nothing to do with Chris dumping her. She just didn't want to have to do the post-dump recap talk to the camera in the car.

But in she gets like a trooper. The car takes off before her seatbelt is done up. She says it was the most humiliating moment of her whole life. "I'm really, really confused. That's how I'm feeling right now. It really blows my mind. The whole reason of putting my guard up was to deflect this feeling that I'm feeling right now." That feeling most likely lasted all the way to the airport before she realized she dodged a major bullet.

Chris takes a moment on some steps to reflect on his decision and we fade to black. The next time we'll see him is at the Women Tell All episode, which should be a doozy. Then the final when he proposes to the Cartoon character.