Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Who's the Bachelorette?: The results are in

I was feeling dread at having to sit through another two hours tonight but when I set the PVR, I saw it was only one hour! Boy, was I buoyed! I can handle this. I can do it.

Let's get to the big vote. Will I be proved right? Will it be a tie? Britt to me looks more like a Bachelorette type. But as one of the commenters to this blog wrote (hi Amy!), maybe they'll keep both of them around all season.

Here's Harrison telling Britt the majority of the men have chosen one woman. And... I was wrong. Even if I had picked one of them, I'd have been wrong because it's not Britt. That is surprising. He says the vote was very close but doesn't say what it was. Where's the transparency? Where's Price Waterhouse? Where's the FCC?

Chris walks her out. That was a waste of time, wasn't it? All that build-up for one episode? Looks like Amy and I were wrong. Britt says she didn't see it coming at all, so we're not alone. She gets weepy in the limo. Good thing Tanner gave her those tissues.

This paves the way for the second Canadian Bachelorette in history! And both from Vancouver. Jillian Harris was, of course, the greatest Bachelorette of all time. We'll see how Kaitlyn stacks up.

Now Harrison approaches Kaitlyn. He heaves a heavy sigh and says, "I counted the votes and unfortunately..." Yeah, yeah, good one Harrison. "... I had to send Britt home. You're going to be the next Bachelorette." He doesn't sound very happy even after the big reveal. He still seems off. He must be going through some stuff. Maybe he's just pissed that he had to do the lowly task of counting roses in front of the viewing audience who all had been led to believe he makes all the decisions.

He reminds her that her first job is the first rose ceremony, which she'd forgotten all about. This is where the fun begins, as she sends home guys who voted for her and keeps guys who didn't.

Kaitlyn calls her mom and tells her the good news, saying she's trying not to throw up. The guys have no clue. Harrison walks in and doesn't tell them who it is, just introduces the Bachelorette. Kaitlyn enters to hoots and hollers. I wonder if she noticed those who were less enthusiastic.

She addresses them and doesn't tell a joke. Good move, based on her last effort. She tells them she's so "frickin' excited."

Run Ian Run grabs her first (remember, he's the former track athlete who was told he'd never run again). He tells her she's the only woman for them. He tells us he's here for her. 

Joshua made a steel black rose for her. Kaitlyn thinks that's hot. Maybe she's hoping he can make a new nose stud for her.

The first impression rose (of the non-steel variety) enters the room. Now it's game on.

Jonathan voted for Britt so his first reaction was, "Oh shit." Same with David. Same with the Healer. Same with Country Boy Brady. Same with Love-Man Jared, only he decides to tell Kaitlyn he voted for Britt. It may have worked because she really appreciated the fact he told her. Honesty turns her on more than the ability to make steel roses.

Now, though, she wants to find out about the others. Who's on Team K? She sits down with JJ the Hockey Puck. He tells her he has a 3-year-old daughter. That makes her take him more seriously than the others. Why should that be, providing that's the only information she knows? Would she think the same if he walked out on his wife and baby? I mean, I'm not saying he did; just that we don't know his situation other than he has a young child. We already know he's a former investment banker. Maybe he was fired. Maybe he works at McDonald's now. Anyway, he's becoming more attractive to her, which gobsmacks him. He wasn't expecting that. He topped the charts tonight, she said.

She asks the Dentist Cupcake if he knows how cute he is. He does. He moves in and kisses her. First in! No one knew he had game. As one of the fellas said, "You can't judge a book by its cupcake."

Now it's first impression rose time. She takes the funny guy from yesterday, the one with a nephew and niece. She tells him she's really attracted to him and she can't wait to take him on a date. His name is Shawn B. and they seal it with a kiss. Then they kiss some more. He plays it cool. No jokes are told.

Rose ceremony time with lots of time left (another twenty minutes on the clock). Shawn B. has one rose; there are 23 left men left for however many roses:
  1. Dentist Cupcake and his pearly whites
  2. Ben H., the first guy she met
  3. JJ the Puck
  4. Moonshine Joe
  5. Kupah, who voted for Britt
  6. Dancing Daniel, who voted for Britt
  7. Sober Ryan
  8. Steel Rose Joshua
  9. The Healer, who voted for Britt
Interruption time as someone in the back row asks to speak with her. This will kill some time. It's the country crooner, Brady. He walks out of the room with K, tells her it's been really hard for him. He tells her he's been so impressed at so many levels but it's time for him to take a risk. "If I'm honest with you and myself, my heart is with the woman who left a couple hours ago," he says. And with that he's off. He's going to go find Britt. Smells like another set-up. Harrison leads him off the compound to help him look for the woman of his dreams.

K comes back and tells the guys that Brady went to find Britt then continues handing out the roses.

    10.  Clint, who greeted the pair with the unironic, "Ladies!"
    11.  Either Cory or Corey
    12.  Jonathan, who voted for Britt
    13.  Either Corey or Cory
    14.  Ben Z. She actually said 'zee' instead of 'zed', like most Canadians would. I wonder if the                     producers told her to. But now he has a new nickname: Ben Zed
    15.  Tissue Tanner
    16.  Run Ian Run, the former track athlete
    17.  Justin
    18.  Love-Man Jared, who voted for Britt
That's 19 roses? An odd number, literally and figuratively. Let me try to figure out who went home... Country singer Brady left of his own volition to find Britt; Bradley, who showed up wearing a head band and carrying a tennis racket; Josh, the exotic dancer/lawyer/fake fireman who Kaitlyn was not impressed with; some dude named David; and the Canadian amateur sex coach Shawn E are all gonzo.

Why can't there be a superimposed tally board during these early rose ceremonies? No one knows who everyone is. Simply put all the guys' names on the screen then ding a little rose beside their name when they're called. Then we can figure out who's left. Make this happen, producers. I offer it to you free of charge.

The dramatic upcoming highlights include a date at the World Famous Improv comedy club and a chat with Amy Schumer. And some sumo wrestling. That was my takeaway. There were also some exotic locales. Oh, and somebody returns, which drives the others bonkers. That's just about standard by now. And it seems like K. shagged someone and regrets it. "It went too far, too fast," is how she put it. Then she tells the guys she "had sex." I betcha it was with Shawn B. Ian tells her he questions her intentions and that he feels she's there to make out with guys on TV. Lots of tears as she says she "made a mistake," which is code for, "I was caught." 

I wonder how this will play out in middle America? They're not used to our Canadian free and easy way of life. Will she become as hated as that other foreigner, Juan Pablo?

The show ends over the credits with Brady knocking on Britt's hotel room door. So there's that to follow next time, too. Or not. They had to promise Britt some more air time, I'm sure.

That was a breeze, wasn't it? More one-hour episodes, please! Or we can compromise: 90 minutes and everybody wins.

Britt & Kaitlyn: Kaitlyn or Britt?

So we meet again. Are we really going to go through with this again? With two Bachelorettes yet? This is by far the stupidest and gimmickiest idea in the history of the franchise, but we'll give it a fair chance. I'm going to be writing as I watch because otherwise it takes just too much time. So keep that in mind as you're reading.

If memory serves, it's the Dirty Hippy and Vancouver Girl, womano-à-womano. At least for the first episode. I'll have to come up with new nicknames for them. The Dirty Hippy doesn't seem so dirty to me. That came about last season with the revelation that she doesn't like to wash her hair and sleeps with make-up on. Doesn't even make much sense on reflection. Hippies don't wear makeup, do they?And Vancouver Girl is just too generic a moniker. Even though she's my homey, I haven't really warmed to her. Again, though, they're both getting a fair chance from me because I didn't detest either one of them last season. And if that's not a ringing endorsement from me, I don't know what is.

Let's get to it.

Turns out it's a two-night premiere. Oh joy. I'm praying the next episode is not for a week but knowing ABC, they'll shove it down our throats tomorrow. It's historic, though!

Here's Chris Harrison. Is it true he's dating the vile Andi? Doubtful. He knows better than that. Okay, that was an aside. Back to the show: He's blathering on more earnestly than ever. He's really trying hard to sell this farce of a season. Trying too hard, methinks.

The women's names are Britt and Kaitlyn. I'm guessing at the spelling because Kaitlyn because it rings a bell but I also know it can probably be spelled fourteen different ways. She's the Canadian; Britt is the Hollywood waitress. They're trying to paint the two as polar opposites. I see them as pretty similar even though Vancouver Girl just said "we're so different." The only difference I see is jokes vs sincerity. Each one is weighted to one or the other, but they both have the other trait in their makeup.

The two limos parade down the highway. VG's nerves are out of control and DH is prepared to meet her husband. First we get some glimpses into a handful of the guys:
Jonathan from Detroit seems cool. He's got a 5-year-old son. He's partial to Britt.
Joe from Kentucky speaks with a southern accent. He's a little bit country. Or a lot bit, judging from the fields and horses. He's partial to Kaitlyn. 
Josh is from Chicago and recently graduated from law school. He's covered in tattoos and works as a fireman. Or a stripper, actually, who dresses as a fireman. 
Brady is from Nashville and is a singer of sorts. He's always had melodies inside of him. Plays the guitar and piano. He's partial to Britt. Her charisma is contagious. Hopefully nothing else is contagious. 
Joshua is a welder from Idaho. Another tiny town denizen like Chris. Partial to Kaitlyn. 
Ian is from Venice Beach. Ran track out of Princeton. Then he was hit by a car and left for dead. He was told he couldn't run again. Cut to him running down the beach. He's partial to Kaitlyn, "no ifs, ands or buts."
Jared from Rhode Island. He's a restaurant manager. Considers himself Love-Man, a super-hero. He's partial to Kaitlyn. 
Tony a healer from St. Louis. We see him in a variety of yoga poses. He's always been sensitive and anti-social. Loves to talk to his plants. Actually said, 'I love you' to one of them. I'd say he's perfect for the dirty hippy. He didn't say who he prefers because I think it's obvious. 
Ben is an personal trainer from San Jose. Was a football player who had a tryout in the NFL. His mom passed away when he was 14. Both would be a perfect match for him, he says. Fence-sitter.
Man, Harrison is being sickeningly sincere. He seems off. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe he thinks the whole thing is ridiculous, too.

The men have the power tonight, we're told, because they'll vote on which woman gets to stay the season as the Bachelorette. Britt is radiant; Kaitlyn is too nervous for how stupid this is.

First guy out of the limo is Ben H. He greets Kaitlyn first but talks more to Britt. He seems nice.

Jonathan greets Britt first. He already told us he was partial to Britt. She digs him, too.

Clint says, "Ladies" unironically. He greets Britt first. Kaitlyn is feeling awkward.

Ryan B. greets Britt first again.

Jared greets Britt first. Once again Kaitlyn tells us she's extremely nervous. Enough already. Jared opens his shirt to reveal his L. Not for Loser, even though that would also fit. Love-Man, remember.

Kupah goes to Britt, too. I'm sure they're editing out the interactions with Kaitlyn for dramatic effect.

Next limo:

Brady the singer-songwriter goes to Britt first. Big hug. He tells her she's beautiful on the outside and inside as Kaitlyn listens on.

Cory goes to Kaitlyn first. Quick hug then on to Britt.

Ian goes to Kaitlyn and is the first to whispers to her he was there for her. The tides have turned perhaps.

JJ is a former investment banker. Former. What does that mean? What is he now? Anyway, he goes to Kaitlyn first. He takes a puck out of his pocket and tells her he would love to puck her. You know the randy Kaitlyn just loved that.

Ryan M is a junkyard specialist from Kansas City. Specialist? He greets them both with, "Honeys, I'm home!" with his arms outstretched. Goes to Kaitlyn first. Tells us he came because he was obsessed with her.

Bradley wears a headband and has a tennis racket for no apparent reason. He's an "international auto shipper."

Daniel comes out dancing and goes to Kaitlyn.

Josh the exotic dancer loosens his tie and heads to Britt, then quickly to Kaitlyn. He opens his shirt and swivels his hips suggestively. Kaitlyn isn't interested. Turns out she's got some taste after all.

Joe is an insurance agent. He's the guy from Kentucky we met earlier. Brings a jar of XXX moonshine and gives it to Kaitlyn. She takes a swig.

Justin takes a whiff of helium and gives a bunch of balloons to Kaitlyn. Things are moving fast.

Tanner brings a gift to Britt. A package of tissues in case she gets weepy again. Ouch!

Shawn B. is another personal trainer. He calls for a group hug. That's the way to do it. But then he swings Britt around in the air like she's the one. But he tells Kaitlyn she's the reason he's there. Britt really likes him. Or liked him.

Kaitlyn takes a moment to run inside the house. Britt feels it's cheating a bit. I don't disagree. At the best, it's gamesmanship. She just wanted to tell the guys there that they're killing it so you can see why it was so pressing.

Another limo:

David greets Kaitlyn first. That's about it.

Corey plays competitive beach volleyball. He says he's not a farmer but would still love to plow her field, he tells her, throwing the line she told Chris last season back at her. She loved it.

Tony the healer heads straight for Britt. Looks like he's got a shiner. He talked about the universe and that kind of mumbo jumbo. Britt was taken with it. Then he gives the exact same speech to Kaitlyn. Smooth. I don't think the girls will have to fight over him. His lack of humour will turn Kaitlyn off.

Ryan M, the junkyard specialist, seems to have imbibed a bit. At least that's what the guys say. We haven't seen him with a drink in his hand. Just being funny, as he was when he exited the limo.

A low-rider pulls up. It's a hottub car. Shawn E. is driving. He's an "amateur sex coach" from Canada. Yay Canada! Way to represent. Drunk Ryan steps out of the house to tell him the car sucks. It's filled with water. Shawn hops out half-drenched.

Next a giant carrot muffin pulls up. Or is it a cupcake? It's Chris, a dentist from Nashville, who makes some cheesy comment about sweets and being a dentist.

Joshua is ... gone already. Not from the show; just from the montage. They're flying through these last ones.

Ben Z. a fitness coach approaches Britt first. That's all I got.

And that's all the men. Now it's time for the ladies to get to know them.

The two women enter. Kaitlyn starts off with a "joke": Knock-knock. Who's there? Two bachelorettes. Two bachelorettes who? That's the joke – two bachelorettes. Wow.

Britt is more serious. She opens up emotionally, tells them she's there to meet a best friend or some such horseshit.

Hey, Kaitlyn is "really nervous." Who knew?!

The Healer says he came in wanting Kaitlyn. But now he's leaning toward Britt. Obviously he never watched last season because Britt is the obvious choice.

Chris Harrison informs all that the voting room is now open. Each guy will put a rose in a box corresponding to one of the two ladies. The Healer is the first to enter. He lets the vibrations from Britt's chest tell him to insert his rose in Britt.

This is all moving fast considering it's a two-part season premier. Something's up.

So now it's a mad scramble as Britt and Kaitlyn start speed dating through all the guys. This is problematic. They will be insincere to get votes, just like a politician. Kaitlyn goes so far as telling the moonshine guy that it made an impression on her for sure. I guess that's ambiguous enough that she can live with herself. There's plausible deniability if she gets the chance to send him home.

I guess it'll be interesting, too, once the decision is made since all the guys are talking about who they're voting for. So those who voted for the loser will no doubt be ratted out to the winner and they'll have to squirm their way back in the winner's good graces.

Ben H. asks Kaitlyn about her bird tattoos. She's glad he asked because she said Chris didn't ask once last season. She said they're the only birds that remember to fly home. That can't be right, but whatever. And that's something she relates to because she's lived in Germany and across Canada and is really close to her family so she always flies home. Hence tattoos on the back of her elbows. Makes sense.

Shawn, the amateur sex coach, pulls Drunk Ryan aside and asks him why he disrespected him when he pulled up in his car pool. Ryan didn't remember. I'm on the side of the drunk guy here. Especially when he said, "I didn't do anything. Besides being awesome."

Ryan takes Britt outside. JJ interupts them saying, "The bar says they have another drink for you." That's a low blow.

Then we see Drunk Ryan touching the sequins on Kaitlyn's dress. The ones located at the rear of her midsection. Kaitlyn says to the camera, not to Ryan, "Ryan, don't touch my ass again." Then he strips down to a Speed-o and gets in the pool. He slips but manages to keep his beer. Finally he knocked over a painting and almost something else. It's all a bit over the top.

Another fake tie
Some big burly guy walks in and summons Ryan, saying Harrison wants to speak to him. Harrison is waiting outside like the Godfather. He tells Ryan he's "clearly not here for" the girls or for the right reasons. There's a car waiting to take him away. Far, far away. Ryan says sorry. Maybe this was a set-up because now there's an even number of guys left. You know what that means – a fake tie vote. Wait. This wasn't "maybe" a set-up. This was for sure a set-up. They hired a guy to come in and be a boor so he could be eliminated, leading to an even number, and they could promise each woman an extra episode.

Now Chris walks in to the house to tell them all he just sent Ryan home. So why didn't he come in to get Ryan in the first place, preferring on sending in a henchman? One of the guys says Chris made the right decision. I love how they still pretend Chris Harrison has any say over anything on this show. The credits list him as a host only.

One of the Shawns has a pretty good sense of humour. Not the amateur sex therapist. When Kaitlyn says she has a nephew and niece, personal trainer Shawn tells her his nephew and niece have the exact same names. Totally dry. Then when he pulls out a scribble his nephew made for Kaitlyn, he says stone-faced that it's a spitting image. Kaitlyn digs him and he reminds us again he's there for her.

Harrison says he's going to go tally the votes. See, he's a lowly vote-counter. Decision-makers don't do such tasks. Kaitlyn feels sick to her stomach but she needn't be. She says it's the "frickin' craziest moment" of her life. She says her husband is in that room. If she goes home, it'll be the worst thing in the world. Yes, worse than cancer, apparently. But she needn't fret. It's going to be a tie. Mark my words.

How long does it take to count 24 roses?

Harrison walks downstairs to give the news. But we'll have to wait until tomorrow night (bastards!) to find out it's a tie. So I guess we've got to meet back here in 24 hours.

By my count (I quickly went back and fast-forwarded through all the votes they showed) and it was 5-5. So far I'm right. We'll see tomorrow night.