Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Who's the Bachelorette?: The results are in

I was feeling dread at having to sit through another two hours tonight but when I set the PVR, I saw it was only one hour! Boy, was I buoyed! I can handle this. I can do it.

Let's get to the big vote. Will I be proved right? Will it be a tie? Britt to me looks more like a Bachelorette type. But as one of the commenters to this blog wrote (hi Amy!), maybe they'll keep both of them around all season.

Here's Harrison telling Britt the majority of the men have chosen one woman. And... I was wrong. Even if I had picked one of them, I'd have been wrong because it's not Britt. That is surprising. He says the vote was very close but doesn't say what it was. Where's the transparency? Where's Price Waterhouse? Where's the FCC?

Chris walks her out. That was a waste of time, wasn't it? All that build-up for one episode? Looks like Amy and I were wrong. Britt says she didn't see it coming at all, so we're not alone. She gets weepy in the limo. Good thing Tanner gave her those tissues.

This paves the way for the second Canadian Bachelorette in history! And both from Vancouver. Jillian Harris was, of course, the greatest Bachelorette of all time. We'll see how Kaitlyn stacks up.

Now Harrison approaches Kaitlyn. He heaves a heavy sigh and says, "I counted the votes and unfortunately..." Yeah, yeah, good one Harrison. "... I had to send Britt home. You're going to be the next Bachelorette." He doesn't sound very happy even after the big reveal. He still seems off. He must be going through some stuff. Maybe he's just pissed that he had to do the lowly task of counting roses in front of the viewing audience who all had been led to believe he makes all the decisions.

He reminds her that her first job is the first rose ceremony, which she'd forgotten all about. This is where the fun begins, as she sends home guys who voted for her and keeps guys who didn't.

Kaitlyn calls her mom and tells her the good news, saying she's trying not to throw up. The guys have no clue. Harrison walks in and doesn't tell them who it is, just introduces the Bachelorette. Kaitlyn enters to hoots and hollers. I wonder if she noticed those who were less enthusiastic.

She addresses them and doesn't tell a joke. Good move, based on her last effort. She tells them she's so "frickin' excited."

Run Ian Run grabs her first (remember, he's the former track athlete who was told he'd never run again). He tells her she's the only woman for them. He tells us he's here for her. 

Joshua made a steel black rose for her. Kaitlyn thinks that's hot. Maybe she's hoping he can make a new nose stud for her.

The first impression rose (of the non-steel variety) enters the room. Now it's game on.

Jonathan voted for Britt so his first reaction was, "Oh shit." Same with David. Same with the Healer. Same with Country Boy Brady. Same with Love-Man Jared, only he decides to tell Kaitlyn he voted for Britt. It may have worked because she really appreciated the fact he told her. Honesty turns her on more than the ability to make steel roses.

Now, though, she wants to find out about the others. Who's on Team K? She sits down with JJ the Hockey Puck. He tells her he has a 3-year-old daughter. That makes her take him more seriously than the others. Why should that be, providing that's the only information she knows? Would she think the same if he walked out on his wife and baby? I mean, I'm not saying he did; just that we don't know his situation other than he has a young child. We already know he's a former investment banker. Maybe he was fired. Maybe he works at McDonald's now. Anyway, he's becoming more attractive to her, which gobsmacks him. He wasn't expecting that. He topped the charts tonight, she said.

She asks the Dentist Cupcake if he knows how cute he is. He does. He moves in and kisses her. First in! No one knew he had game. As one of the fellas said, "You can't judge a book by its cupcake."

Now it's first impression rose time. She takes the funny guy from yesterday, the one with a nephew and niece. She tells him she's really attracted to him and she can't wait to take him on a date. His name is Shawn B. and they seal it with a kiss. Then they kiss some more. He plays it cool. No jokes are told.

Rose ceremony time with lots of time left (another twenty minutes on the clock). Shawn B. has one rose; there are 23 left men left for however many roses:
  1. Dentist Cupcake and his pearly whites
  2. Ben H., the first guy she met
  3. JJ the Puck
  4. Moonshine Joe
  5. Kupah, who voted for Britt
  6. Dancing Daniel, who voted for Britt
  7. Sober Ryan
  8. Steel Rose Joshua
  9. The Healer, who voted for Britt
Interruption time as someone in the back row asks to speak with her. This will kill some time. It's the country crooner, Brady. He walks out of the room with K, tells her it's been really hard for him. He tells her he's been so impressed at so many levels but it's time for him to take a risk. "If I'm honest with you and myself, my heart is with the woman who left a couple hours ago," he says. And with that he's off. He's going to go find Britt. Smells like another set-up. Harrison leads him off the compound to help him look for the woman of his dreams.

K comes back and tells the guys that Brady went to find Britt then continues handing out the roses.

    10.  Clint, who greeted the pair with the unironic, "Ladies!"
    11.  Either Cory or Corey
    12.  Jonathan, who voted for Britt
    13.  Either Corey or Cory
    14.  Ben Z. She actually said 'zee' instead of 'zed', like most Canadians would. I wonder if the                     producers told her to. But now he has a new nickname: Ben Zed
    15.  Tissue Tanner
    16.  Run Ian Run, the former track athlete
    17.  Justin
    18.  Love-Man Jared, who voted for Britt
That's 19 roses? An odd number, literally and figuratively. Let me try to figure out who went home... Country singer Brady left of his own volition to find Britt; Bradley, who showed up wearing a head band and carrying a tennis racket; Josh, the exotic dancer/lawyer/fake fireman who Kaitlyn was not impressed with; some dude named David; and the Canadian amateur sex coach Shawn E are all gonzo.

Why can't there be a superimposed tally board during these early rose ceremonies? No one knows who everyone is. Simply put all the guys' names on the screen then ding a little rose beside their name when they're called. Then we can figure out who's left. Make this happen, producers. I offer it to you free of charge.

The dramatic upcoming highlights include a date at the World Famous Improv comedy club and a chat with Amy Schumer. And some sumo wrestling. That was my takeaway. There were also some exotic locales. Oh, and somebody returns, which drives the others bonkers. That's just about standard by now. And it seems like K. shagged someone and regrets it. "It went too far, too fast," is how she put it. Then she tells the guys she "had sex." I betcha it was with Shawn B. Ian tells her he questions her intentions and that he feels she's there to make out with guys on TV. Lots of tears as she says she "made a mistake," which is code for, "I was caught." 

I wonder how this will play out in middle America? They're not used to our Canadian free and easy way of life. Will she become as hated as that other foreigner, Juan Pablo?

The show ends over the credits with Brady knocking on Britt's hotel room door. So there's that to follow next time, too. Or not. They had to promise Britt some more air time, I'm sure.

That was a breeze, wasn't it? More one-hour episodes, please! Or we can compromise: 90 minutes and everybody wins.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for blogging Guy! I'm disappointed that Britt wasn't chosen. I feel like the voting results were fixed. Also, picking pizza pics is the most fun way I've ever had to prove that I'm not a robot.

Barbara said...

I unfortunately had to miss episode 2, so thank you for the great recap. I wanted Kaitlyn to win, but I think it would be fun to follow Britt a bit! Looking forward to your blogs on what looks to be an unusual season.

runner mom said...

I think the producers knew that Kaitlyn would get better ratings ever since she dropped her bikini bottoms last season. It is such a staged plan have Nick from Andi's season crash the show. I highly doubt he has a serious love interest in Kaitlyn. Great blog--keep bringing it. I look forward to your blog more than watching the episode.