Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Bachelor Sean: Catfight!

A brief summary of what went down at the annual Women Tell All exposé. Some of it actually happened.

Audience: (Cheers turn to cartoonish boos and head shakes at the mere mention of Tierra)
 Lesley: Tierra's sparkle never sparkled.
Brooke: Tierra was just seizing an opportunity. You guys are just upset because you didn't do the same things she did.
Everyone: (silence and confused looks) 
Chris Harrison: (leading the witness, Tierra) Going in, did you ever think you'd be this girl?
Tierra: (refusing to be led) Yes and no.
Chris Harrison: Don't you know this show is scripted? 
Tierra: Call me Edison – I light up in a room. I bring joy wherever I go. These biatches judge me based on what I look like.
Me: (audible laugh)
Tierra: They just felt I didn't want to be friends with them.
Chris Harrison: Did you want to be friends with them?
Tierra: I didn't want to be friends with them.
All the other women: (smirks, scrunched up noses, sideways glances throughout)
Tierra: Nope, no apologies from me.*
Robyn: You're delusional.
Jackie: You're fake.
Selma: You're rude.
Brooke: Own it, sister.
Tierra: I was friendly!
Tierra: (milliseconds later) I wasn't there to make friends.
AshLee: I don't appreciate being called a liar.
Tierra: I'm not calling you a liar, AshLee; I said you lied to me.
Everyone watching everywhere: (literally ROTFLMAO)
Tierra: AshLee ganged up on me.
Me: A one-person gang?
Lesley: Tierra made her own bed – her own cot, what have you.
Tierra: I apologize to all of you guys for you guys thinking that I didn't want to talk to you. (see above asterisk*)
Tierra: Can I better myself? I think everybody can better themselves in life. So in other words, no more than you guys.
Chris Harrison: What's that giant rock over your half-hearted finger tattoo?
Tierra: I'm engaged!
Chris Harrison: (verbatum) How did this happen???
America: Right?!?!
Chris Harrison: Is this a hoax?
Tierra: Absolutely not.
Chris Harrison: How long ago did you get engaged?
Tierra: No comment.
Chris Harrison: I'll remind the witness she is under oath.
Tierra: In January. 
Chris Harrison: No one has touched America's heart quite like Sarah.
Me: Seriously?!
Older woman in audience: She's my favourite.
Sarah: (crying) My whole life I've been strung along. I think I'm funny, smart, great. I don't get it.
Chris Harrison: Last week was the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
Me: Until the next one, anyway.
AshLee: I was lied to! He told me I was going to meet his family and be besties with his sister. This guy's not quite who I thought he was. He was a southern gentleman with me. With others he kinda acted like a frat boy.
Sean: Um, your hair looks pretty...?
AshLee: Why, thank you!!... Wait a second. Stay on point.
Sean: I couldn't find the laughter with you. That's why I picked the two most immature girls in the house. 
AshLee: I felt dishonoured by you.
Sean: See what I mean?!
AshLee: It really hurt when you didn't come back and check on me.
Me: I thought she was whisked straight away back to the United States. Guess not.
AshLee: You said things to me on the overnight. How can you change in four days?
Sean: Oh, you dear, sweet, naive girl. 
AshLee: Why did you say you had absolutely no feelings for the other two?
Sean: I didn't say that.
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't.  
AshLee: Yes, you did. 
Sean: No, I didn't. 
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't.  
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't. 
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't. 
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't. 
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't. 
Sean: That was awkward.
America: Wasn't it?!
Chris Harrison: There's a real chemistry between you and Desiree.
Sean: Everybody loves Des. I git it.
Desiree: My brother liked you.
Sean: He has a funny way of showing it.
Because she deserves it
That's about it. Bottom line, while she was there, Kacie was put in the back row like a nobody and didn't speak once (or was edited out). That's a fine how-do-you-do for the real America's Sweetheart.