Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Bachelor Sean: Catfight!

A brief summary of what went down at the annual Women Tell All exposé. Some of it actually happened.

Audience: (Cheers turn to cartoonish boos and head shakes at the mere mention of Tierra)
 Lesley: Tierra's sparkle never sparkled.
Brooke: Tierra was just seizing an opportunity. You guys are just upset because you didn't do the same things she did.
Everyone: (silence and confused looks) 
Chris Harrison: (leading the witness, Tierra) Going in, did you ever think you'd be this girl?
Tierra: (refusing to be led) Yes and no.
Chris Harrison: Don't you know this show is scripted? 
Tierra: Call me Edison – I light up in a room. I bring joy wherever I go. These biatches judge me based on what I look like.
Me: (audible laugh)
Tierra: They just felt I didn't want to be friends with them.
Chris Harrison: Did you want to be friends with them?
Tierra: I didn't want to be friends with them.
All the other women: (smirks, scrunched up noses, sideways glances throughout)
Tierra: Nope, no apologies from me.*
Robyn: You're delusional.
Jackie: You're fake.
Selma: You're rude.
Brooke: Own it, sister.
Tierra: I was friendly!
Tierra: (milliseconds later) I wasn't there to make friends.
AshLee: I don't appreciate being called a liar.
Tierra: I'm not calling you a liar, AshLee; I said you lied to me.
Everyone watching everywhere: (literally ROTFLMAO)
Tierra: AshLee ganged up on me.
Me: A one-person gang?
Lesley: Tierra made her own bed – her own cot, what have you.
Tierra: I apologize to all of you guys for you guys thinking that I didn't want to talk to you. (see above asterisk*)
Tierra: Can I better myself? I think everybody can better themselves in life. So in other words, no more than you guys.
Chris Harrison: What's that giant rock over your half-hearted finger tattoo?
Tierra: I'm engaged!
Chris Harrison: (verbatum) How did this happen???
America: Right?!?!
Chris Harrison: Is this a hoax?
Tierra: Absolutely not.
Chris Harrison: How long ago did you get engaged?
Tierra: No comment.
Chris Harrison: I'll remind the witness she is under oath.
Tierra: In January. 
Chris Harrison: No one has touched America's heart quite like Sarah.
Me: Seriously?!
Older woman in audience: She's my favourite.
Sarah: (crying) My whole life I've been strung along. I think I'm funny, smart, great. I don't get it.
Chris Harrison: Last week was the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
Me: Until the next one, anyway.
AshLee: I was lied to! He told me I was going to meet his family and be besties with his sister. This guy's not quite who I thought he was. He was a southern gentleman with me. With others he kinda acted like a frat boy.
Sean: Um, your hair looks pretty...?
AshLee: Why, thank you!!... Wait a second. Stay on point.
Sean: I couldn't find the laughter with you. That's why I picked the two most immature girls in the house. 
AshLee: I felt dishonoured by you.
Sean: See what I mean?!
AshLee: It really hurt when you didn't come back and check on me.
Me: I thought she was whisked straight away back to the United States. Guess not.
AshLee: You said things to me on the overnight. How can you change in four days?
Sean: Oh, you dear, sweet, naive girl. 
AshLee: Why did you say you had absolutely no feelings for the other two?
Sean: I didn't say that.
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't.  
AshLee: Yes, you did. 
Sean: No, I didn't. 
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't.  
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't. 
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't. 
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't. 
AshLee: Yes, you did.
Sean: No, I didn't. 
Sean: That was awkward.
America: Wasn't it?!
Chris Harrison: There's a real chemistry between you and Desiree.
Sean: Everybody loves Des. I git it.
Desiree: My brother liked you.
Sean: He has a funny way of showing it.
Because she deserves it
That's about it. Bottom line, while she was there, Kacie was put in the back row like a nobody and didn't speak once (or was edited out). That's a fine how-do-you-do for the real America's Sweetheart.


Anonymous said...

My mom always said someone who constantly lies is a "liar", but someone who occasionally lies is not a liar. Idk. But to me calling someone a liar and saying that they lied about something are two different things.

HP said...

ok, I always enjoy your blog but this is your best work I've read. Holy crap, I started laughing out loud on the bus and couldn't stop.
"Tierra: Can I better myself? I think everybody can better themselves in life. So in other words, no more than you guys." bahahahahahah! perfection.

Anonymous said...

the blog from the previous week asked us what we thought was going to be in the mysterious letter that Sean receives while waiting at the alter to propose. Well, for the record, and I haven't watched or read any spoilers, I think the letter is from his over-protective mother telling him to slow down and not propose.

The other thing I think (and there are just 2 things) is that Sean makes a bad choice and chooses Catherine. But serioulsy, how is a southern gentleman/virgin going to fit with a immature hippie from the pacific northwest with nose ring? I just don't see it.