Friday, August 26, 2011

Grantland breaks it down

If you've never seen the sports/pop-culture-obsessed website, Grantland, you've got to check it out. There are some really great – and funny – writers there. It's the child of former ESPN Sports Guy, Bill Simmons.

They have something called the "Grantland Reality TV Fantasy Draft". In their latest scorecard, they announce the week's winners. Here's how the Bachelor Pad contestants fared:
First Tier
Melissa (Bachelor Pad, Lane): 25 points.
Melissa and her over-tweezed eyebrows continued to behave irrationally this week. When Blake — a man she's spent only a few days with on a reality show — told her he wanted to be “plutonic partners,” she had a complete breakdown (5 crying points). And when Erica called her a lunatic, she did an encore (5 more crying points), and even threatened to leave the show (15 points). It's time for some serious self-evaluation when you get called crazy by a woman who wears a tiara and refers to herself as “princess."

Second Tier
Michelle Money (Bachelor Pad, Kang): 15 points. Michelle Money is Muhammad Ali in Zaire. She is Rope-a-doping the rest of the women on Bachelor Pad. Scoring only with a kiss (5 points) and challenge victory (10 points) this week, she's sitting back and watching the rest of cast cry, be promiscuous, and argue until they get tired. That's when she'll make her move. Let’s not forget this is the woman who asked ninjas to kidnap her competitors on The Bachelor and ended Carlos Boozer’s marriage.

Kasey and Vienna (Bachelor Pad, Connor and Kang): 15 and 10 points. Kasey and Vienna are reality-show veterans who know exactly what it takes to get camera time. It’s almost as if, every night, while the cameras are off, they conference call with Aaron Sorkin and he writes them storylines to maximize their exposure. This week, Sorkin wrote them an argument (5 points each) that left Vienna in tears (5 points), and a dramatic courtyard scene during which Kasey pulled out a jewelry box, causing Vienna to blurt, “I don’t want that to be an engagement ring!” right in his face. Instead, Kasey gave her a promise ring and explained what it meant in a song (10 points for plugging a singing career). Seriously. Kasey sang his promises to Vienna in a Nick Lachey-esque a capella number and did that spastic head-shake thing people do when they sing. It was glorious. Nice touch by Sorkin closing with a musical number.

Michael (Bachelor Pad, House): 10 points. Michael won the challenge (10 points) and took his ex-fiancé Holly on a reward date to further confirm that he's the only party interested in rekindling their romance. A sample:

    Michael on Holly: "I want more time to … to just be around her and talk to her and just work on us. And since we have gotten here, there is a level of comfortability and we are both very much on the same page.”

    Holly on Michael: "It is really hard to be around Michael, I'll be completely honest."

Jake and Erica (Bachelor Pad, Connor and Jacoby): 5 points. Jake kissed Erica (5 points each) this week, which couldn’t have felt good, because Erica is so full of collagen it looks like she has a frozen Han Solo trapped in her upper lip.

Graham (Bachelor Pad, Connor): 5 points. Graham kissed Michelle this week (5 points) after this exchange:

    Michelle Money: "I think you're great."
    Graham: "You barely know me."
    Michelle Money: "I know."

Michelle Money is ready to stop playing Rope-a-dope and unleash her true self, a drink-throwing, coitus-denying, STD-scare-having GRTFL all-star.

To read the whole thing, go to

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

BP 2, episode 3: All done

I scribbled notes as per usual this episode but I'm going off-book on this baby. And I'll make it short. I simply can't, in good faith, continue with this show. I feel to do so would just support it. I think the producers play a bigger role than we're led to believe, although that's just a hunch. And I think they believe a villain makes for good TV so they keep Kasey and Vienna around. Maybe they're right, but we don't want to see the villains win. Do we? The bad guys won last season and they're on target to win again this season. And if the producers have nothing to do with who stays and who goes, then I care even less because everyone on the show is too stupid to do the right thing. When King Ding-a-Ling was awarded the last rose, sending Jake home, it just hit home how far out of touch I am with the whole thing. How can any of those losers possibly keep Kermit around? It just boggles the mind. It makes zero sense from a personal standpoint, and it makes no sense from a practical standpoint.
  1. Personal: He's weird and delusional and prickly, not to mention a real "jenius".
  2. Practical: By all indications, he and the Drama Queen are the power couple who are the biggest threat to anyone else winning. Breaking them up would give everyone else a much better chance of winning.
So why keep him around? How is it that bland Jake needs to be sent home? People see how Vienna acts, they see the bickering between her and Kasey, yet they believe Jake was the true villain in that relationship? There's not even the shadow of a doubt? The return of David and Natalie this week cemented my opinion of the game aspect of this show – it sucks big time.

So that's that. Opinions?

And for the love of all that's good in the world, that masked man schtick at the end was old the first episode. I believe now he was a plant from the beginning. Remember when Chris Harrison said he was the most talked-about person in the history of the show? Did anyone ever talk about him? The guy had no charisma, no looks and no sense of humour yet now he's the clown prince? Bah!