Friday, August 26, 2011

Grantland breaks it down

If you've never seen the sports/pop-culture-obsessed website, Grantland, you've got to check it out. There are some really great – and funny – writers there. It's the child of former ESPN Sports Guy, Bill Simmons.

They have something called the "Grantland Reality TV Fantasy Draft". In their latest scorecard, they announce the week's winners. Here's how the Bachelor Pad contestants fared:
First Tier
Melissa (Bachelor Pad, Lane): 25 points.
Melissa and her over-tweezed eyebrows continued to behave irrationally this week. When Blake — a man she's spent only a few days with on a reality show — told her he wanted to be “plutonic partners,” she had a complete breakdown (5 crying points). And when Erica called her a lunatic, she did an encore (5 more crying points), and even threatened to leave the show (15 points). It's time for some serious self-evaluation when you get called crazy by a woman who wears a tiara and refers to herself as “princess."

Second Tier
Michelle Money (Bachelor Pad, Kang): 15 points. Michelle Money is Muhammad Ali in Zaire. She is Rope-a-doping the rest of the women on Bachelor Pad. Scoring only with a kiss (5 points) and challenge victory (10 points) this week, she's sitting back and watching the rest of cast cry, be promiscuous, and argue until they get tired. That's when she'll make her move. Let’s not forget this is the woman who asked ninjas to kidnap her competitors on The Bachelor and ended Carlos Boozer’s marriage.

Kasey and Vienna (Bachelor Pad, Connor and Kang): 15 and 10 points. Kasey and Vienna are reality-show veterans who know exactly what it takes to get camera time. It’s almost as if, every night, while the cameras are off, they conference call with Aaron Sorkin and he writes them storylines to maximize their exposure. This week, Sorkin wrote them an argument (5 points each) that left Vienna in tears (5 points), and a dramatic courtyard scene during which Kasey pulled out a jewelry box, causing Vienna to blurt, “I don’t want that to be an engagement ring!” right in his face. Instead, Kasey gave her a promise ring and explained what it meant in a song (10 points for plugging a singing career). Seriously. Kasey sang his promises to Vienna in a Nick Lachey-esque a capella number and did that spastic head-shake thing people do when they sing. It was glorious. Nice touch by Sorkin closing with a musical number.

Michael (Bachelor Pad, House): 10 points. Michael won the challenge (10 points) and took his ex-fiancé Holly on a reward date to further confirm that he's the only party interested in rekindling their romance. A sample:

    Michael on Holly: "I want more time to … to just be around her and talk to her and just work on us. And since we have gotten here, there is a level of comfortability and we are both very much on the same page.”

    Holly on Michael: "It is really hard to be around Michael, I'll be completely honest."

Jake and Erica (Bachelor Pad, Connor and Jacoby): 5 points. Jake kissed Erica (5 points each) this week, which couldn’t have felt good, because Erica is so full of collagen it looks like she has a frozen Han Solo trapped in her upper lip.

Graham (Bachelor Pad, Connor): 5 points. Graham kissed Michelle this week (5 points) after this exchange:

    Michelle Money: "I think you're great."
    Graham: "You barely know me."
    Michelle Money: "I know."

Michelle Money is ready to stop playing Rope-a-dope and unleash her true self, a drink-throwing, coitus-denying, STD-scare-having GRTFL all-star.

To read the whole thing, go to

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