Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Bachelorette Andi: One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl

If you think this week's recap is late, wait until next week. Two full episodes on Sunday and Monday? I hate when that happens. I think it's ABC's way of getting back at bloggers. It's like we've got nothing else to do but sit around and blog about silly reality TV all day.

Before we get started, a big shout-out to my legions of Twitter followers. Since announcing the @BachelorBlogger handle last week, readers have flocked to it to the tune of, on average, one per day! Look out, Twitterverse. We're at 11 followers and counting. If each one of them tells two friends, and they, in turn, tell two more friends each, pretty soon it'll be one giant Faberge Organic Shampoo commercial.

Okay, y'all ready for week 2's recap? Are y'all pretty much sick of hearing "y'all" all the time? I haven't heard it this much since Hee Haw went off the air. Good Lord, Andi says it a lot. So much for being an educated lawyer. By my count, she uttered the totally unnecessary pluralized third person plural sixteen (16) times, not counting the one time she said "you all." It's clearly Andi's very own "Ees okay." You see, Andi? One man's ceiling is another woman's floor. What other cliché can I torture? How about, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw insults.

But does that vocal tic count as this season's 'literally'? She also threw around the term 'epic' quite a bit. But her go-to word when surprised by something somebody says is "stop!" or "stop it!" Stop with the "stop!" already. It's epic.

Nineteen men started out the show; only sixteen would remain. Two hours to elimate three dudes. Yet they need two full episodes next week? We started the show seeing them pounding Caesars first thing in the morning. Hair of the dog, and all that. It got Craig off on the right foot, anyway.

Andi gushed that the guys were "all here for me." It's ye olde foreshadowing trick. (Incidentally, it occurred to me during the show – and I'm sure it's not original to me – that the practice of using one of the contestants from one season as the Bachelor or Bachelorette in the next season pretty much guarantees that at least a handful of them won't be there "for the right reasons." Maybe that's what they want, though.)

The first one-on-one date went to Eric the Explorer. You can rest assured there will be at least one snark-free segment on this blog. Not only is the guy just plain likeable and they made a good couple, but, as we've all heard by now, Eric died shortly after filming this season. I have no idea how far he got and I eschew spoilers so I'll just need to go on this emotional roller coaster until the end.

Andi and Eric frolicked on the beach, building sand castles and flying kites. Eric, proving he didn't watch last season's Bachelor at all, said Andi "seems like the kind of person who gets along with everyone." Sure, as long as they adhere to her worldview. My guess about Eric's viewing habits was pretty much confirmed when a helicopter touched down and he thought, "That's for us?" If I were ever on that show, for every helicopter overhead I'd assume they were coming to get me. But they obviously don't get American reality TV in Syria or Guatemala. I was so hoping that Anal Emil, the helicopter pilot who got the boot last week, would be driving that thing.

The chopper whisked the couple up to Bear Mountain where they learned how to snowboard. I was so hoping that Steven, the rad snowboard developer who got the snowboot last week, would be the one to teach them. I would have been so stoked.

They ate dinner in a cabin on the mountain. There was some forced laughter, but there was a definite connection. Eric told his scary Syria story and then talked about his future family plans, which was sad to listen to. Needless to say, Explorer Eric got the rose, handled awkwardly by Andi.

The group date saw 14 fellas strip down for charity. They took off their trou's and slipped on their marble bags and shook their booty. For charity. Sharleen and the Dog Lady from last season were there for no apparent reason. There was no winner.

Keep calm: ITS should be IT'S
The over-exuberant Craig, still buzzed from his Caesars, said, "I hope she loves me. I love her!" You knew he'd be the comic relief. Later on he asked for some extra padding for his package. When he was offered too much, he said he wanted to fill it out, "not give hope for no reason." The man has integrity in his lies; you've got to give him that much.

When one of the Nicks bent over, Andi said she "saw a part of a man no woman is supposed to see." I'm still mulling that one over. Maybe she should have phrased it thusly: "I saw a part of a man a woman taint supposed to see." But at least it was for charity! (I did mention it was for charity, didn't I? You can do anything you like as long as it's for charity.)

After the show, Craig kept compounding his overbearing personality with pounding shots. When he got some alone time with Andi, she said he could ask her anything so he hits her with, "What's the worst thing about your parents?" Boom! No answer. He took off, jumped in the pool with his clothes on, and thereby tainted (sorry, there's that word again) the other 13 because... well... because Andi has issues and expectations.

"They do get that they're here to date, right?" she asked, all judge-y. And you do get that they're not all Craig, right? One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl. Hell, the Osmonds taught us that lesson in 1970.

Such a drama queen. "How did this happen?!" she wailed. "Am I doing the right thing being here?" She gave a stern talking to to the others, as if they had anything to do with it.

I was worried about Craig in the hot tub with all that alcohol in his system because I'm a responsible, and cowardly, pool-goer. I read all the signs and I know they say don't go in when you've been drinking. I don't know what could happen. You could explode maybe.

Despite (or probably because of) Opera Man serenading her in fake opera, the rose went to Marcus, the youngest guy there. He's sweet but his age will eventually eliminate him.

The next one-on-one went to Farmer Chris. I was absolutely certain this was her way of sending him home. She'd take him out of the mansion, show him a good time, then send him on his way. After all, he's a farmer! When he heard his date card read "Let's get our love on track," he said, "We''re going on a train!" It was adorable, actually. And he's not the handsomest hombre on the ranch (think of a pudgier Matthew McConaughey). They just don't seem like a good fit. When he said, "No matter what happens today, I'm a winner," I thought for sure he was going home.

On his way out, he said he was going to go "put some lipstick on this pig," which I thought was an odd phrase for a guy with no lips.

But he "cleaned up nice" – another phrase in the running for over-use. The pair went to see the sulkies at the race track. For some reason, they dressed in 1940s attire, like horse racing is this artifact from a museum. While there, two old actors were told to interrupt the couple and ask if they minded telling them how long they'd been together. The old actors pretended to be married for 55 years. The set-up drew this from Andi: "I think I picked a winner." Man, now she has to manufacture a reason to dump him, I thought, still certain he was a goner.

But he got the rose! Go figure! I even saw some love for the guy on Twitter (not from me, although I am on Twitter, too, remember: @BachelorBlogger?). So go figure. Maybe I'm not the great judge of hunky men I thought I was.

After she gave him the rose, they were given a private concert by some Amish guy on a guitar as Andi tried to dance and the two kissed. Again, not sure how that was physically possible but they went at it a long time. Did not see that coming. At all.

At the cocktail party, Nick V, who went dateless this episode, made up his own date card to give to Andi. It read, "Let's get things poppin'," proving he didn't get any help from the producers because popcorn was not involved.

They talked about the virtues of being picky when it comes to significant others. And, presumably, the corollary: growing old alone. Why settle for good when the elusive great is out there somewhere? (There might be a Moby Dick reference or analogy I could make but I've never read it.)

We learned one thing at the cocktail party: Marquel is colourblind. He was wearing a brown chequered shirt, green floral patterned tie, and multi-coloured socks.

Craig felt the need to not apologize to Andi for his drunkenness the other night. What better way than to sing a goofy song while accompanying himself on guitar: "I messed up last night/ I had too much Firefly/ I bared my junk to 13 other guys but I/ Hope and pray that it's alright/ Oh Andi, please let me stay." He told us he was feeling horrible but we saw no evidence of him expressing that sentiment to Andi. No worries, though, because she's such a forgiving person...

With Eric, Marcus and Chris pre-rosed, that left 13 others to sweat it out while three would go home. The roses went in order to:

  1. Ron (who wasn't even in this episode! I thought he went home last week)
  2. Dylan, the accountant
  3. JJ, the pantsapreneur, this time wearing a regular tie
  4. Colourblind Marquel
  5. Andrew, the social media marketer
  6. Tasos, the wedding planner
  7. Jock Josh
  8. Cody, the limo pusher
  9. Nick V., the software salesman
  10. Patrick, the soccer-play ad exec
  11. Coach Brian
  12. Brett, the hairstylist with the floor lamp
  13. Opera man
So goodbye it was to the bald guy, the tattooed guy and the drunk. That'd be Nick S, the golfer, Carl, the firefighter, and, of course, Craig. My theory on tattoos holds for at least another episode: Carl couldn't wear a tie or long-sleeves because that would cover up his body art. I've long believed that there hasn't ever been a tattoo that can ever be covered up for any length of time.

That's it for this week. Two shows next week. Ugh. But we'll get through it. Not sure about Andi, though.