Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Week 4: To Guard and Protect

Okay, folks. It’s late so let’s just get started, shall we? No time for chit-chat. I’ve got to get to the drama (and unintentional comedy), stat! Will someone relieve Justin, The Wrassler, from his undeserved villain role? I sure hope so because he’s just dreamy.

Did I say that out loud?... No, I guess I didn’t. Phew. For a minute there I thought I was gay.

Oh, judging by the upcoming highlights, it’s Kasey the Desperate Dud who’s going to prove to be unstable. And is he getting a tattoo? Oh, God, I hope it says Ali on it. And I hope it’s huge.

Eleven guys left. Three dates this week: One group, two one-on-one. The boys are travelling around the world “to fall in love with Ali.” First destination: New York City. Cape Cod Chris thinks he has a huge home field advantage having lived there for five years.

Ali’s excited because, as she says, travelling with someone is how you get to know everything about that person. Sure, maybe in a rent-a-car, staying in hostels. I doubt she’ll learn much with a camera crew in her face and staying at five-star hotels in separate rooms. But I could be wrong. We’ll definitely find out how batty Kasey is.

You know what I’d like to see on these shows? I want to see them on the plane? That’s a five-hour flight. Surely there’d be shenanigans. I think we’d learn something about them.

Some guy from In Style magazine is trying to dress Ali. He shows her a shimmery mini skirt. I do not see her wearing it.

Geez, ask and ye shall receive. We see footage of the snakes on the plane. And it’s just what I wanted. As Ali is getting her make-over, she’s telling her beautician about them. When she gets to Frank, aka Hyper Dweeb, she says, “he is the funniest guy I ever met in my entire life. He makes me laugh all day long.” Cut to: Hyper Dweeb pretending to pick the nose of a sleeping compatriot (Roberto, aka Clemente, possibly). Oh, the highjinks. I throw my hands up and give up on Ali at this point. It’s bad enough saying that guy is even funny, but to say he’s the funniest guy she’s ever met? In her entire life? Sure, it’s conceivable she runs with a very dull crowd, but nobody can beat him? Wow.

Foreshadowing alert!: Kasey the Desperate Dud is going to “guard and protect my heart.” Can’t wait for this.

I may be late to the party on this one, but Ali has really long and skinny nostrils. That’s disconcerting.

After the make-over, Ali looks... pretty much the same. She thinks she’s gone from California laid-back to New York chic, but I don’t see a difference. And they didn’t do anything to her nostrils.

The Midget Weather Doofus (real name: Jonathan) comes across like a rube, raving about the huge building. Yeah, dude, you’re in New York City. Even if you haven’t been there, surely you’ve seen a picture book at some point in your life.

After the photo shoot of Ali with her “new” look, she’s informed she’s going to be in the July issue of In Style (with Cameron Diaz on the cover). Ali says it’s something she’s dreamed about but never thought it would come true. Really, Ali? That was a dream while you were happily working in the offices of Facebook? This girl is all hyperbole.

The date card is read by Cape Cod Chris. It’s a one-on-one date and the lucky recipient is Kasey the Desperate Dud with the Weird Voice. The card reads, “Let’s do what comes natural......” That’s a little suggestive, isn’t it?

Still, I’m happy because he’s one step closer to going home! Of course, having just seen Penn & Teller on the weekend (read my review here), I’m not going to let myself be misdirected again. I know these previews can be misleading, but I sure hope it’s a train wreck!


On the date, Ali says they’re going to do things that most people wish they had the chance to do. What could it be? Hmmm... Ah, yes: Helicopters! And even though they’re standing amid dozens of choppers, Kasey seems blown away and surprised when one comes for them. What? A helicopter for us? Never saw that coming.

You’d think with a Bachelorette who isn’t exactly keen on flying they could come up with something different. (You’d think they could come up with something different anyway, but the producers ain’t exactly groundbreakers otherwise they’d be doing something more creative with their careers.)

The more we hear Batty Kasey talk in his little interview session, the crazier he sounds. Yes, he’s crazy for Ali, but it’s a bit much at this point. “This is reality,” he says. “This is my future wife.” Uh-huh.

Oh my God! This is priceless! Maybe the best scene in this series EVER! Set up beautifully. Batty Kasey (his new nickname, by the way) says he’d been waiting for just the right moment. So with the setting sun, sitting on a blanket drinking champagne, he lets go with a song (remember, he didn’t get to partake in the music video group date so this has been sitting with him for a long time). He told us he had a good voice... and boy was he wrong!

He’s free-styling! It’s nothing he prepared, he’s just bat-shit crazy! I love it! Here are the lyrics to his, er, “song”: “When I was flying/ in the helicopter/ over this amazing city/ I looked to my left and never saw something so pretty” Ali gives a nervous laugh. She must have been thinking he was putting her on because nobody does that. Nobody. But Batty Kasey keeps on truckin’:

“At the end of tonight/ I’m not just your average Joe/ But I hope in my hindsight/ I’ll see and find a rose.” And he ends with a cocky half-laugh and says, “Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.”

You gotta understand I’m watching in little snippets by pausing a lot so I can jot down these thoughts and process what the hell I’m witnessing. Now here’s a guy clearly here “for the wrong reasons”. I’m sure his goal all along was to show off his voice in the hopes he gets discovered. This was potentially his last chance. I bet you anything he’s stood in line at American Idol competitions before. And he’s about as bad as those freaks, too.

My guess is Ali wants the date to end right now. That pitiful attempt at... something... sealed his fate.


But the date goes on. And Ali looks happy and is holding his hand. I can only hope this is out of sequence and occurred before the sunset serenade.

They’re at the American Museum of Natural History and they’ve got the run of the place. Or so they said. As they head into the dinosaur wing, we see someone in the background with a backpack on. And later on we see a group of people wandering by.

Why are they walking around in the dark carrying flashlights? Did the museum curators say, “We’ll let you in after hours to film your little national TV show with millions of viewers but we’re not turning on the lights”?

Batty Kasey lives up to his name at the stuffed gorilla. He starts ooh-ooh-ah-ing and beating his chest. He wants Ali to know he’s not your average guy. Mission accomplished, weirdo.

Ali laughs throughout, but let’s not forget that she thinks Frank, the Hyper Dweeb, is the funniest person she’s ever met in her entire life. It’s all about perspective, people.

Back at the hotel, a new date card arrives. Big Ears Ty reads the card. Seven lucky guys are going: Roberto (Clemente), Jesse (Tattoo), Ugly Craig, Origami Kirk (I can’t believe I still haven’t found another nickname for him), Jonathan the Weather Nerd, Big Ears himself, and Frank (Hyper Dweeb). The card says, “Let’s play.”

Back on the date, it’s rose time. Does Ali think about Batty Kasey as a potential husband? Good Lord, I hope not.

Ali doesn’t look convinced about Batty Kasey as he sits there spewing bullshit about guarding and protecting her heart. Ali says it’s like he’s reading a story because it’s just so perfect. (Remember, perspective, people.) He says, “It’s just my heart. Jump in. Stay a while.”

He’s shattering the record held by DeAnna for most times using the word “heart”. At least he doesn’t say “hort”.

I wish I had started counting from the beginning how many times he uses that saccharine phrase “guard and protect your heart” but it’s too late now. I’m not going back.

My dear Lord, this guy is a piece of work! A total phoney. He starts singing again. Does this work on women? I know a lot of women read this blog. If any of you were sung to like this in this context, wouldn’t alarm bells be ringing in your head? Is there anyone who would be charmed? Maybe I’m completely out to lunch on this, but I can’t believe it’d work on anyone.

Here are the lyrics to his most recent masterpiece:

"On the night that I first saw you
I was staring through black glass
And I knew at that first moment

That you and I would last

On the beach in California

You made me start to believe

And now in New York City

And it’s just you and me

And tonight you got a rose

And I don’t want to feel its thorns

And if you choose me,
I’ll forever be yours”

Absolutely friggin’ awful. Am I right? It was also the same “tune” as the previous “song”.

Ali, to her credit, looks uncomfortable. And she says she’s having a hard time believing anything he says is real because it all sounds like lines to her. Oh, thank God. She may not know or understand what funny is, but at least she knows Krazy when she sees it.

She tells him she likes him and that he’s a great guy, but she worries the songs and everything aren’t real. He doesn’t seem genuine to her. And she can’t give him the rose. Oh no, she says “but I don’t want you to leave, either.” Oh, Ali. Send the phoney creep home. But at least there will be more laughs for a little while longer.


On the group date, we see Ali on a video screen in Times Square with the caption telling the guys to come find her. And the chase is on... Oh, there she is, across the street. Game over.

They’re at The Lion King theatre. Frank, the Hyper Dweeb, says he’s crazy about “this girl”, and to drive his point home, he says it with the craziest eyes I’ve ever seen. Doesn’t blink once.

The boys are put through an audition. First dancing then singing. Oh, too bad Batty Kasey wasn’t there! He’d nail it!

The Weather Nerd can’t carry a tune. Neither can Hyper Dweeb. Then Tattoo comes out and absolultey blows everyone away. Clemente tries to personalize it by singing right to Ali. And Ali loves it. But he’s horrible. The producer gets to pick, and he says he's looking for courage and truth so he gives the date to Roberto. Tattoo wuz robbed. Even more so when we learn that he’ll actually be in the show. Hopefully not singing.


Ah, judging by the costumes they’re put in, they couldn’t have picked Tattoo. It’s a Disney production. Also, I doubt there were any full-bodied tattoos on guys wearing loincloths in the story. (Lesson to you youngsters with acting aspirations. Tattoos limit the kinds of roles you can get.)

Crazy-Eyes (I think Frank/Hyper Dweeb just got a new nickname) really is crazy. His mantra is, “It’s going to kill me, pull yourself together, it’s going to kill me, pull yourself together.” Man, at least this experience is going to make a great screenplay that'll never get sold.

No matter what happens, I’m going to see The Lion King when it comes here this summer. I heard good things about it before, but now I really want to see it. Yes, I like musical theatre, okay? And no, I’m not gay.

Crazy-Eyes, aka “the funniest person in the world”, isn’t so funny watching Roberto and Ali make their Broadway debut. He looks like crap. It’s really eating him up inside. And outside. Meanwhile, the Weather Nerd is beating himself up. “What a dolt I am for not looking at Ali while I’m singing.” Yeah, like that would have cinched it. He is delusional. But he’s in TV so that goes without saying.


Crazy-Eyes Frank
takes a sick Ali out in a rainstorm. He tones down the Crazy Eyes, but he’s a mess. Ali is still into him, though. You know, because he’s so funny. They engage in a long, steamy closed-mouth kiss.

Another date card arrives back at the hotel. There’s one more one-on-one date to come. Who will get it? Batty Kasey reads: the birthday boy Cape Cod Chris wins. “Let’s take a bite out of the Big Apple”.

Back at the group date, Ugly Craig continues to think he’s got a chance. Meanwhile, the Weather Nerd, who is about as insecure as any contestant in the history of this venerable series, deigns to interrupt Ugly Craig and Ali in the meekest way possible. And he gets turned back.

Origami Kirk proves there’s no such thing as altruism. He takes Ali aside and rightly tells her she needs to just get back to her room and rest. Fair enough. But he wants to be the one to take her upstairs and put her to sleep. We see right through you, buddy.

But first Ali needs to take care of the rose. Only she’s not going to. There will be no rose. Coward. That’s two dates in a row.

So up she goes, with Origami Kirk, who puts her to bed while Jonathan the Weather Nerd continues to beat himself up: “I’m an idiot.” We know that, Jonathan. But not for the reasons you think.

Up in Ali’s room, Kirk shows Frank how to kiss. I mean, Crazy-Eyes wasn’t there, but I’m sure he’ll see it on TV. Kirk follows his tongue into Ali’s germ-infested mouth. Ali whispers, “Thanks for looking out for me.” Is she serious? Man, she is the biggest Pollyanna. She can’t see through anyone.


Ali’s as sick as she’s ever been. She’s not up for her date with Cape Cod. She sends him a card. But all’s not lost. She wants to spend his birthday with him so she invites him to her suite. He shows up with flowers and soup. They have a sweet, unassuming conversation. Don’t know if the sparks are flying, but at least he’s not a freak.

Back in the guys’ room, Batty Kasey is missing. He’s doing something big. What could it be?! Oh yeah, a tattoo. Thanks, upcoming highlights. Yeah, that’ll prove he’s genuine. Those things don’t wash off.


Batty Kasey is getting a tattoo of a shield guarding a heart on the inside of his wrist. At least he’ll get multiple uses out of it when Ali inevitably dumps him because I’m sure it’s a line he uses on all the ladies.

Ali is feeling better so the date changes locales. Cape Cod will get a birthday on the town. They get a club to themselves and gourge on seafood. Chris brings up his mom again. Is that a warning sing, women? I’d think so. He worships her. I guess that could be taken two ways: 1. he’ll worship any woman in his life, or 2. no woman will ever match up to his mom.

Ali wants Chris to call his dad on his birthday. He puts him on speaker phone on national TV. Seems like a good guy and he’s got a good son. Still don’t know if he’ll go beyond “good friend” stage, but they have a nice little relationship building.

Back at the room, Batty Kasey returns with his wrist bandaged up and he concocts a tale of woe, saying he burned it and was in the hospital all day. He sounded convincing to me (warning bells again) but the Wrassler says, with a twinkle in his eyes, “I’m going on record and saying he’s a fibber.” Love the use of the word “fibber”. How can this guy be the bad guy?

Will Cape Cod Chris get a rose? For sure. There’s no way he doesn’t. And bingo, there it is. He gets the pity rose.

There’s one more thing, Ali tells him. They head up to the roof and some bloke is standing out there playing the guitar in front of a choir. But it’s not just any bloke. It’s (drum roll) JOSHUA RADIN! Ali’s favourite!... Um, can anyone tell me who Joshua Radin is? I’m sure this is just another case of Ali hyperbole again. There’s no way Crazy-Eyes Frank is the funniest person she’s ever met and there’s no way this guy is her favourite.

Actually, he’s not bad. I’ll have to check him out on iTunes. I’ll withhold judgment and make no more snarky remarks just because I’ve never heard of him.

More closed-lip kissing.

I wonder how many of these guys are going to catch her flu. Question: would it be poor form for one of the guys to not kiss her while she’s sick? Would that eliminate him right away? It wouldn't mean he doesn't love; it would just mean he's prudent.


Ugly Craig remains clueless. At the rose ceremony, he says, as they’re all sitting around, “We have a lot of great guys here... with the exception of Jason [Wrassler]”. And Batty Kasey cracks up. Seriously, if Ugly Craig can’t see the phoney psycho right in front of him for who he is, he’s hopeless. He’s as clueless as he is homely.

The Weather Nerd needs to make a quick impression. He has some depth, he tells us. He does other things; he’s not just some weather dude. So he whips out a guitar because chicks dig guitars and guys who know how to play them as witness every other contestant in the history of this show who tried. But we heard him sing at the audition and he’s beyond help.

He’s not quite as bad as at the audition, but he’s not good, either. He says he’s a “singer/songwriter”. Well, as the saying goes, don’t quit your day job.

I think the guitar schtick has pretty much run its course on this show. Can we all agree? I think Jonathan is the last to know. He says now that he’s sung that song for her, he’d be surprised if he didn’t get a rose. That simple, huh?

The Wrassler is going to call Batty Kasey out on his lies. Rated-R to the rescue! Bring it on.


Kasey really might be the craziest contestant ever. He says there’s so much heart and passion in the tattoo. He is so earnest in his delusions it’s frightening.

As much as I’m on side with the Wrassler, when he says if someone is able to lie to a bunch of guys they’re in the house with, they’ll be able to lie to Ali, I question his memory. Perhaps he's been pile-driven once too many times. Um, wasn’t that charge levelled against him just last week when he hobbled over to Ali’s house and he said he was sleeping? Still, he’s not the lunatic that Batty Kasey is.

The Wrassler says to Kasey, “Prove me wrong. Prove you have a burn mark on your hand.” And Kasey, caught in the headlights of this oncoming locomotive that is Rated-R, says, “What’s that have to do with anything?” Good comeback. Then he stares uncomfortably long at the Wrassler, who, he should be reminded, is a professional fake athlete. Not the wisest move.

Kasey runs to the other guys and says he’s being picked on (essentially). The Wrassler reiterates that Kasey’s been lying. Kasey, who apparently has been programmed, says, “I came here to guard and protect her heart.” Then he rolls up his sleeve and reveals his ridiculous ink work.

This is the turning point for old Kasey. The guys think he’s getting crazier by the minute. Unfazed, Kasey tells us the guys loved it. He says they thought it was very inspiring and they respect him for doing something like that, forgetting that there were cameras all around and the other guys were interviewed individually, too.

Now the moment of truth. Kasey meets with Ali. He gives her candy and yammers away. He wants to begin fresh, he says. Ali looks scared. He starts to tell her about the tattoo, but doesn’t get to it in time before Crazy-Eyes Frank steals Ali away. Priceless! He looks devastated. I actually feel a little sorry for him now. Just a little.

And now Chris breaks up the party. It’s rose time. Well, after these words from our sponsors.


There are eleven guys left. Cape Cod Chris already has a rose and there will be eight more handed out. So that leaves two guys out in the cold. Who will they be?
  • 2.Origami Kirk (help me out with a nickname, for God’s sake)
  • 3. Crazy-Eyes Frank (formerly Hyper Dweeb)
  • 4. Ugly Craig. Ugh. Lee. Craig.
  • 5. Chris N., whoever he is. Everytime I saw his face tonight, I said, “Who’s that guy?” Let me go check what I called him last week... Ah, yes, it’s Magic. And that was some disappearing act this week.
  • 6. Roberto Clemente
  • 7. The Wrassler! Yay!
  • 8. Big Ears Ty
Paused here while I contemplate who’s left and who I think will get the final rose. We’ve got Tattoo, Weather Nerd and Batty Kasey. Well, it’s a no-brainer, isn’t it? Even though I don’t see her with a guy covered in ink, Tattoo is by far the best one of those three. Although the Weather Nerd might be her kinda guy. But I’m calling Tattoo. I see there’s still 12 minutes left in the show so I’m sure there’s some drama left. Let’s see what she does:
  • 9. Kasey.
Yeah. Right. There’s no way this was her decision. You just know the producers had something to do with this.

She tells Tattoo that she didn’t think they matched up. He takes it well. He thinks it’s the fact he’s a country boy that scared her away from him. I think it was the ink. The Weather Nerd says he feels like she didn’t get to know him. The one time he thought he was getting a rose and he didn’t. He’s dumbfounded. I think it was the guitar. Among many other things. Oh well, he’ll always have the weather.

Next up: Iceland. I’d love to go there. Crazy-Eyes says, not surprisingly, he’s an emotional disaster. Ali has the quote of the season next week when she says, “The only thing Kasey has to be is be normal.” Ain’t gonna happen, sweetheart. But what difference does it make? She kept him around when he wasn’t normal this week, too. She’s spineless. Stringing guys like that along is never a good idea. And sure enough, next week he says, “If I get sent home, that’s going to destroy me.” Actually, maybe they make a good couple in hyperbole.

Okay, I gotta get some sleep. See you next week. Oh, there are two polls over there in the left panel. Make sure you vote!