I was heartened to see that 100 percent of readers here (all twelve of you) thought the upcoming highlights give away way too stinking much. These producers don’t understand what “tease” means. They don’t get that we’re already hooked. And on a bit of a tangent, it doesn’t matter to us if all the fellas are nice guys without an ounce of drama. Human relationships are drama in and of themselves. They don’t need to artificially increase it by putting schmucks in the fold and by showing us ahead of time what’s going to happen. Just let it play out. Put the reality back in reality TV. Have confidence in your product.
Okay, enough of that. It’s show time!
Where are we this week? Ah yes, Lisbon. That’d be Portugal. Gotta like the locations this season. They’re not the obvious places they've visited in years past. They're going in style this time.
Five guys are left, four get roses. But there will be four dates with zero roses. What’s up with that? What's the point?
Roberto gets the first date: “Come be the king of my castle.” Crazy Eyes Frank is already flashing his deranged peepers.
Roberto and Ali take to the streets of Lisbon acting like fools. They stand out like sore thumbs. First they’re taking pictures with unimpressed cops, then they’re slow dancing and smooching in the street. Can you say Ugly American?
They hop on a trolley car and kiss some more. Alright, we get it already.
Back at the hotel, Crazy Eyes Frank is telling the others what they should do this week. It’s not a joke; it’s cards on the table time. I wonder what he’ll lay down. As he’s laying down the law, there’s a knock at the door. Cape Cod Chris picks up the piece of paper, reads it, and says, “Date card, gentlemen.” Are they just not showing us all the other knocks on the door they get throughout a given day? How would he not know it’s a date card before even getting up off the couch?
This date card is for a two-on-one. Who are the unlucky sods? Crazy Eyes Frank and Big Ears Ty: “Let’s find our future in the past.” Frank considers Ty to be his biggest competition. As you might imagine, Crazy Eyes isn’t too thrilled about having to walk around on a date with Ty. He wants her all to himself.
Ali and Roberto share some wine and tapas (I’m guessing) outside at a castle. Ali admits she can’t cook. Points for honesty, I guess. She calls Roberto a mystery and says she needs to figure him out. He seems too good to be true. But is she out of his league? Quite possibly. Although their date was perhaps the kissiest one of the season.
More upcoming highlights that give away almost everything. Brutal.
It’s the two-on-one. Oh, thank God! They’re travelling by helicopter! I thought the producers had forgotten about that majestic bird. I never get sick of watching them watching the view. It never ever gets old.
The three sit down to dinner so we’ve obviously missed the whole day’s events. Clearly either it was boring as hell or there’s too much drama at dinner. Ali says she’s in a weird place and gives them the “it’s not you, it’s me” line.
Ali takes Big Ears Ty away for some one-on-one time. There are no kisses to be seen. Nothing much is said. Family, blah, blah, blah.
Back at the hotel, the date card is for Mouldy Kirk: “Once upon a time...” (There are only so many castle references so they had to get oblique on this one.)
Crazy Eyes Frank now takes Ali aside. Here we go! But no, just more family talk. She immediately kisses him. Maybe Big Ears is the odd man out, if kisses are any indication.
Here it comes: Crazy Eyes reveals all to Ali. He quit his job, moved to Europe, moved back home... and that’s where he is. He’s living with his folks. Does this phase Ali? Not in the least. She moves in for an even bigger kiss. But he should have been pushed out of the tree they’re in just because of the way he told it. If he had just mentioned it in passing early on and sloughed it off like it was a temporary thing, no big deal. But he made it seem like a big, dark secret. She should have laughed in his face whether she felt that way or not. Thankfully for Crazy Eyes, Ali is pissed out of her tree and is just horny as all get out. So he's safe.
Hey, look, there’s Jake and Vienna. What a happy couple. I wonder whatever became of them?
Mouldy Kirk and Ali are going to a beautiful place today, but Ali admits her mind is a little preoccupied. And Kirk tells her he’s a little nervous. I see no connection between these two. I don’t even think the ridiculously tall glasses of beer will help.
A chariot pulls up and they switch to white wine for the ride through the countryside. They arrive at another castle with an incredible panoramic view. Ali isn’t doing a very good job of hiding her emotions. Mouldy Kirk can sense her unease. But I think Ali told someone a few episodes ago that she wears her emotions on her sleeve so you always know how she's feeling.
Ali says she “had” a romantic dinner planned for her and Kirk on the roof of the castle. She’s wearing a white business suit, if that means anything. Kirk is asking her to be honest with him, good or bad, because that’ll make things easier. He’s a wise man. She lies that she might not be good enough one day for him. Really? With Kirk? That guy’d be lucky to have someone like Ali. She should worry about that with Roberto, because she won’t be, guaranteed. But with Kirk? Nah. But whatever he told her worked magic. They kiss. And it looks legit.
Date card time. It's for Chris: “Love gets better with age.” The guys rib him about being the oldest one there.
That was a nothing date with Kirk, wasn’t it?
Cape Cod Chris is given a mo-ped to drive Ali around on. He has no idea what he’s doing. She’s slagging him at every mention. He’s going slow on the scooter, just like their relationship, she says. Finally she takes over and guns it. They seem to laugh a lot together. Sure, they're laughing at him, but at least he can laugh at himself. That’s something, isn’t it?
They unfurl a red blanket and have a picnic. Ali immediately gets Chris to start talking about his mom again. No wonder the relationship is going slow. She says she can feel his walls coming down but isn’t sure it isn’t too late. But whose fault is that? Let the guy talk about something else for a second. It’s hard to get hot and steamy right after talk of a deceased parent.
They go to a winery. Ah, "love gets better with age". Wine. I get it. Ali wants to “let loose”. But they sit down and start talking about family again. He’s anything but smooth, this guy, but that might be part of his charm. He pulls out a home-made bracelet for her and that’s enough to warrant a big old smooch. Just shower her with gifts and she’s putty in your hands.
Are these short segments or is there just nothing to say? They're zipping through all the dates.
It’s a rainy rose ceremony. Who will be sent home this week? There were no kisses for Big Ears Ty. Could it be him? I think she has the least chemistry with Mouldy Kirk. That’s my call.
Hey, we’re only one hour into the show! What’s up? Usually this comes at the end of the show. So will there be an hour of extra drama or is it just the Jake & Vienna dog & pony show?
Here are your rose winners:
- Cape Cod Chris
- Crazy Eyes Frank
Ty smothers Ali with a big ole bear hug. She walks him into the downpour. Ty says he’s okay but he’s just disappointed. He had some unbelievable feelings, he said. He thanked her for everything then got in the limo, sopping wet. Cue SFX: thunder claps. You can’t tell me those are real. It's just so much more dramatic to have rain and thunder instead of just rain.
Ty feels lost, doesn’t know what to think. Everything seemed right but obviously it was wrong. What does he do from here, he wonders? But the fellas inside are excited that Ali is coming back in wearing a wet skirt.
So one hour and 14 minutes into this two-hour show and we’re done. This answers why each segment seemed to cut to the chase pretty quickly. Should I stick around to watch Jake and Vienna have at it? I think so.
Chris Harrison tells us that many people have found love on his show. We know. There’s Trista and Ryan. And... well, there’s Ryan and Trista... And, that’s about it. But the point remains. At least two people have found love on the show. But he regrets to inform us that Jake and Vienna have split.
Chris sits down with Jake first. Apparently the three of them had dinner together a few weeks ago. What went wrong? Jake can’t even fathom her doing this to him, he says. I don't know what she supposedly did, but I can fathom it. I think it's fair to say Jake was probably the only person who couldn't fathom it.
Now, together for the first time since breaking up, Jake and Vienna, ladies and gentlemen! How did we get here? Vienna said it started about a month after they started dating. The first month was great, but then it went downhill. Things were great in public, but not at home. Vienna was lonely. She said there was emotional abuse, but in her next sentence says there was no emotion with each other. She said she’d have to ask to be kissed and when he complied, it was a little peck. Jake is giving us the 100 yard stare throughout.
Why did she take it to the tabloids, Chris asks? She just wanted to make sure she had a voice. And she spends the rest of the hour really making sure she has a voice. Because she won't shut up. She wants people to know she did try. She loved him and wanted it to be different.
Jake interrupts: "I’m so mad at you. I’m disgusted at you." And then she flirted with him all weekend. Oh yes, he’s got text messages to prove it. She calls him a fame whore. She expected a normal life of a pilot’s wife, but said he’s pursuing a career in acting. “At least I’m pursuing something.” Oh, snap!
Jake says she’s having flings with other men. She’s getting worked up and he calmly says, “Why are you raising your voice?” Who to believe here? Doth she protest too much? Or is he full of it? Who knows? Who cares! This is awesome, though. Is he a fame whore? Is she? They’re both loving airing their dirty laundry in public. I know it’s great TV, but the franchise isn’t doing itself any favours with this public display of dysfunction. But I have two words for any naysayers out there who will use this to slam the show's ability to matchmake: Trista and Ryan. Nuff said.
Chris wonders why she took it so far to tell such intimate stories. Why put yourself through this? Her only answer is that she knew Jake would do it if she didn’t. Take the high road, girlie. If he does it first, then you go to other tabs and spill the beans. But make him do it first. If he doesn’t, then you’re golden, too. I don't buy her excuse at all. Especially since she reportedly received $90,000 for her story.
Chris reminds them he was there in St. Lucia when they were in love. He’s trying to get them to see what they loved in each other at one time. That’s a good strategy, I think. But it doesn’t work here. I’d say this is a classic case of irreconcilable differences.
One bone of contention was that she wanted to move back to Florida and escape the surreal world of Hollywood. When Chris asks if she’ll disappear now, she says yes. She's taken on a regular old job... in L.A. She’s digging a hole now. Now she’s saying she can’t go back to her hometown because they all turned their backs on her when she moved to L.A. I'm guessing that's a recurring theme in her life.
“Baby, keep quiet while I’m talking,” Jake tells her. Chauvinist. We knew he had that in him, didn’t we?
“How do you get sick of someone in a month?” she asks. Uh, keep talking, baby. You're showing us how.
I don’t know what to say. I’m just blown away by the total awesomeness of this. I can’t wait until Jillian and Ed end this way! (That’s a joke. Jillian has way too much class and humour to ever let her relationship with the half-wit end in such public humiliation.)
Jake raises his voice a bit, saying “Don’t interrupt me.” And Vienna breaks down completely, storming off the set after telling him he’s the biggest jerk she’s ever met in her life. I think she should pursue a career in acting.
Jake says unfortunately that’s what one of their arguments looks like. He says he’s never been in a relationship where he’s raised his voice. Usually he’s much more passive-aggressive than this.
Whew. That was awkward, wasn't it? But I think we have ourselves a new Bachelorette!
And now more brutally bad upcoming highlights. We see Crazy Eyes hugging a mysterious brunette. And his “we need to talk” line. What’s his relationship with this woman? Is this a misdirection? Is she just a best friend and confidante? A sister? Or is it something more sinister? Considering the cameras were rolling when he greeted her, I’m guessing it’s not what we're led to believe.
Anyway, one thing we learned this episode is that it’s entirely possible to do the show in one hour.